DH functioning alcoholic

[TheBlueBear]

Have been with DH 4 years but only living together the past year and got married in Feb. I've always known he's enjoyed a drink but it's only really since living together that I've realised the extent of it. On average he would drink 2-3 litres of vodka a week. He normally has three days off per week and out of those three he would drink on two of them. On average he would have nearly a litre of vodka per session. Although he drinks huge quantities he never appears to be 'properly' drunk ie he doesn't be staggering around or have blackouts etc (although he is a big guy in both height and weight). He's a shift worker and often after a nightshift he would stay up drinking (from about 6am-9am). I know that drinking in the morning would be a huge red flag for a lot of people but I'm a shift worker too and I know a few colleagues who would treat the morning after a night shift as their 'evening' and have a couple of glasses of wine. The issue with the morning drinking is more that DH tries to hide it. For example yesterday morning I went downstairs at 7am to make breakfast. DH heard me come downstairs and ran out into the kitchen to me. He told me he'd bring me up breakfast in bed and I should 'try and get some more sleep' (newborn DD had been up during the night). At 9am DH comes to bed smelling of alcohol. I go down and see that the bottle of vodka that had about a third left in it was now gone and the empty bottle was hidden (badly) in the kitchen bin. This is a fairly frequent occurrence. When DH drinks he's fairly amenable which is probably why I tolerate his drinking to the extent I do. What concerns me is the way he hides it as this shows to me that he must think himself he has a problem. I know I'm enabling the secret drinking by not challenging him about it but when I've spoken to him about his drinking before he's gotten extremely defensive (which i know is the typical reaction of someone who's a problem drinker). I suppose what I really want from this post is advice from any one else whose been in a similar situation. From my reading on the subject it seems that alcoholism always tends to escalate but I'm wondering is that true or does it depend on the person?

Do there need to be parallels between him and your father? Using your father to establish your baseline of normal and acceptable behaviour is what got you into this situation in the first place, so I would strongly advise you to stop doing it as it's leaving you with a very warped view and making you vulnerable.

Much like when a woman leaves a violent abuser for a psychological abuser and keeps telling herself she's lucky and the new abuser is fine because he doesn't hit her like the old abuser. It's the wrong comparison! She should be comparing to a non-abusive man and you should be comparing to a non-alcoholic partner.

Lastly, if you feel vulnerable having been threatened with homelessness, how much worse do you think that will feel to your children when they are old enough to overhear and understand? I sincerely doubt he will never repeat that threat.

As for no apparent health issues... Well, no, not while his liver is still able to compensate for the damage he's causing. Once he has decompensated liver disease it will be a different story.

@user1825894133270

As for no apparent health issues... Well, no, not while his liver is still able to compensate for the damage he's causing. Once he has decompensated liver disease it will be a different story.

This. When the liver goes, it goes from everything absolutely fine to major problems very fast. And that's not taking into account the other things alcohol does - heart disease is one a lot of people don't know about and that is what killed my husband.

My friend's husband was the same. He was a kind, loving stay-at-home dad who only drank when out and was very fun. Then he would have a drink while the toddler was napping. Then it was down the pub during the nap before the school run. All this time he was brilliant, but the drinking got worse and worse. Now he has been to rehab twice, nearly got their children removed and his exW is a single mother. Functioning alcoholic as a title should always be changed to "Currently" Functioning Alcoholic. It. Does. Not. Last.

@alltoomuchrightnow sorry to hear about your ex fiancee. I'm glad you got good support from al anon
@VWGolfmk2 yes I know what you mean about not tolerating infidelity but yet you allowed yourself to be cheated out of a relationship where you took precedent. Its a very good way of looking at things
@MarylinMonrue you must be very relieved your dad is getting help. Must have been very difficult for your family.
@MissConductUS thank you for sharing your story. It's very insightful to hear from people who have struggled with alcohol dependency themselves. Had a quick look at the link you posted but will read it properly later, it looks very interesting.
@Clarich007 to be honest I hadn't really considered the financial side of things. He earns good money and normally buys the alcohol himself but we certainly don't have £200 a month to fritter especially at the min when I'm on mat leave. He's normally very frugal with his spending so I guess again this highlights the importance of alcohol to him.

@Groovinpeanut no my DS is from a previous relationship (he's 12). He would still have regular contact with his own dad. I actually hadn't thought about it from that point of view so thank you. His dad wouldn't be at all happy if he knew how much my DH drank. DS doesn't seem aware of DH drinking as he normally sits in his room playing his xbox (he would have played outside before lockdown)

Does your husband drink a straight litre of vodka in 3 hours OP?

@TheBlueBear you’re obviously a lovely person- every post you thank others and sympathise with their stories. You really have to put yourself first.

Exactly the same situation happened to my Dsis OP.

She got married and discovered that he was a functioning alcoholic.

She tried to get him help but he didn't want help.

He eventually lost his job, then committed suicide.

He became very violent towards the end and I will be honest, she was so under his spell I was genuinely afraid for her.

I know that it is an illness but I felt nothing but relief that he died as if it hadn't been him it would have been her.

She looks back at that time with horror now and is very happily single.

I'm sorry you are in this position OP but based on our family's experience, I would get out now.

I'm another one from a family of alcoholics. My mum has been drinking on and off for many years and when I visit I know instantly if she's drinking or not. It's massively sad- her hands shake until she gets a drink into her. She 'hides' it when we visit but poorly.

My sister went from a functioning alcoholic from probably her mid to late 20s to it going off the rails in her mid 30s she was dead before she was 40.

You need to have a serious conversation with him or maybe a letter? He also cannot drive you and your children anywhere. I think he needs to know that you know how much he's drinking as I bet he thinks he hides it so well.

When the liver goes, it goes from everything absolutely fine to major problems very fast.

Yep.
My late BIL developed cirrhosis of the liver from years of drinking. He had only 20% function left, started having alcoholic seizures, developed a varicose vein in his oesophagus which burst, regularly soiled himself and developed alcoholic encephalopathy. Because the liver was no longer processing the toxins in his body the brain damage became irreversiable and resulted in advnaced dementia. He ended up in permanent residential care for several years before he died.

My sister in law made the mistake of staying with him and is now a sad and lonely person because she gave up all her friends to care for him when he was still at home (we live too far away to see her very often)

It isn't a pretty picture, but this is your husband's future if he continues to drink, and yours if you stay with him, because at some point his behaviour from drinking will mean that you cannot leave him in the house on his own.

Most alcoholics are functioning until they stop functioning. And all will keep on drinking until they really, really want to stop. Sometimes that means they have to hit an incredibly low point, but the wiser ones stop before they lose everything.

There's a chapter in the big book (AA book) which says that it's the great obsession of every alcoholic that one day they will control and enjoy their drinking. The persistence of of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death. Sorry to all Fellowship people on here if I have misquoted.

I can only echo what everyone else on here has said. There are no nice drunks, it's a progressive illness, you would be advised to detach with love (I think that's what Al Anon recommend). And yes, the liver can withstand an awful lot but once it's pushed too far, that's it. I've lost dear friends to cirrhosis, wet brain, heart disease, and I am still thankful after many years for each sober day.

I haven't read all replies but OP, I say this gently but get a damn grip of yourself. He isn't 'nice', 'a good father' or anything remotely like either of these.

He's on a one eat street to a drink driving offence or worse. My ex drank like this - got caught twice DD, almost killed someone, wrote off a bus stop. Did it change anything? Not a thing.

It won't get better, it doesn't until the hit rock bottom and nothing you say or do will make them stop drinking.

Blimey, not everyone ends up like those horror stories. Alcoholism doesn't necessarily kill you or ruin your life. Abuse and loneliness can hqpoen regardless.

You also dont need to hit rock bottom to stop. So much AA and East Enders horror stories.

This year I lost a friend, he has been an alcoholic,to my knowledge for 30 odd years,to complete organ failure. In the last few years he has only drunk a half pint or so when we went out but obviously he was still drinking at home. He was, like your DH ,a nice drunk.

Op, buy this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Cure-Alcoholism-Medically-Eliminate-Addiction/dp/1937856135/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=2L0S6VKN1A7JH&keywords=the+cure+for+alcoholism&sprefix=The+cure+for+a%2Caps%2C879&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1606771148&sr=8-1

Read it yourself first if you gave time. But buy it for him and give it to him. It works, believe me.

I think most of us are just posting about our personal experience.

OldBalls read this assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/733108/alcohol_public_health_burden_evidence_review_update_2018.pdf and then carry on minimising the risks of alcohol addiction and its effects on those who live with the alcoholic.

@OldBalls

Blimey, not everyone ends up like those horror stories. Alcoholism doesn't necessarily kill you or ruin your life. Abuse and loneliness can hqpoen regardless.

I was just posting my personal experience. Unfortunately alcohol has killed 4 members of my extended family.

@TheBlueBear
I feel so worried for you, and pleased you posted.
A lot of what I wanted to say has been said already. But I wanted to address your point about does it always escalate ? In my experience yes. He’ll be physically addicted to alcohol and be having withdrawals. The amount he will be drinking will increase over time.
Your DH has been drinking excessive amounts of alcohol for 10years + and without a doubt his liver will be affected but his brain will be affected too. Once the liver can’t process the alcohol , the toxins affect the brain.
People who start off ‘nice drunks’ become increasingly disinhibited and can turn into nasty drunks. By the time you are outwardly aware of any alcohol related health problems, the damage will already be done.

I genuinely believe that alcoholism is a disease. It needs professional help. But the denial is very strong.
I lost my brother to alcohol is his 30s. I know the pain that alcohol causes. It’s such an hard disease to cope with.

@OldBalls
People are sharing their actual experience.

The OPs DHs has been drinking like this for a decade (as far as she knows). He will be physically addicted and will need detoxed to withdraw from alcohol safely. Whatever happens he’s got a long journey ahead of him.

As you have a child to take care of, I think you should take out life insurance on him now and critical illness insurance. Do it before he is diagnosed with alcohol-related illness. Once he is diagnosed, I imagine it will be difficult, or very expensive to get. There were a few alcoholics among friends of my parents and a couple of neighbours. Sadly, I can't think of one who lived past 60 and they were unable/unwilling to work from around 50. Inability to work wasn't really due to liver issues, but more about their mental health. They were in a bit of a fog and had little sense of time or normality.
How old is he? Is alcoholism in his family? I do hope that he decides to help himself. I understand that he can be a good husband and father. It's a very difficult addiction to beat.

@OldBalls why are you trying to minimise the affects of alcoholism? It ruins lives. It destroys families and childhoods and love and relationships.

OP, if he's threatening to make you leave your shared marital home, when you have a newborn (or were pregnant), he is neither a good husband or a good father.

This is very concerning and you should think about leaving.