A telephone call I took at work has affected me.

[AnnListersBlister]

I won't say where I work for DPA/outing reasons(and uneccessary) but I had a call from a member of hospital staff detailing a situation where;

A female was in labour in hospital
She was being violent/verbally abusive and aggressive with the staff.
She wouldnt engage with labour advice and wouldn't talk to staff about how she was feeling/pain levels/contractions etc
She was likely to give birth in the next hour or so.
The baby was being removed to LA as soon as she did so.
Her partner was there trying to calm her down but not succeeding, and was a known local drug user/dealer.
She was also known for drugs.

It was a week or so ago and it keeps coming back into my mind.
What sort of life was that little baby being born into?
What sort of life had this woman had/did she have, to be labouring and rather than being in pain and frightened, was being aggressive and irate?
That baby is going to be taken from her and she's probably going to be discharged and go back to wherever and what? Forget about it? Be traumatised?
She was only young.
Just how wrong the whole thing was?

Don't get me wrong, I am pretty rational and it isn't keeping me awake at night. But it has bothered me more than a zillion other scenarios I've been privy to. I'm not 100% sure why.

It sounds like she was extremely distressed. Try to move on from what is (sorry to say it) her business, not yours.

"The baby was being removed to LA as soon as she did so."

I'm sorry, but I don't know what that means.

@CustardySergeant - Local Authority care

Sorry custardy I meant local authority care.

No, I know none of my business. I just wondered if other people would have been touched by it in this way, or not.

Sorry to hear this is playing on your mind: this woman has probably had a pretty terrible childhood herself to end up in such a state

Hopefully with care and support her child will have a better chance, and maybe down the line she will get the help she needs to

Btw - I don’t think it’s strange that it has affected you, it must be distressing and also potentially brings up negative feelings (even from a very different situation)

Do you have an employee assistance program/ supervision etc to be able to talk it through & let it go?

It would upset me, yes. But I think given a bit of time I would accept that things happen in the world that are sad, and I have no control over them.

That sounds really tough to hear. I understand why you don’t want to give more details but you should find someone that you can talk to without breaching DPA.

I don’t necessarily mean a counsellor, just someone you can talk it through with, possibly a few times so you can properly process and rationalise - not internalise.

We are all affected in different ways by different things. It’s part of being human, not a weakness.

Does your employer have an employee assistance program that you can contact for support, or other support mechanism if you deal with circumstances such as this?
Maybe a chat with your line manager if no EAP.

It would upset me too. I work in A&E and have seen many distressing situations over the years, sometimes a situation/experience stays with you for days and weeks afterwards. Can you chat it through with a colleague?

It’s upsetting.
And maybe it’s not just this incident but an accumulation that means the despair of this just seeps in more?
For me, the story exemplifies how trauma just gets passed on through generations And that is despairing. also, just the bleakness of new life and new hope coming into an environment with so little love.

That sounds a really difficult situation for all involved, it’s not surprising you reacted and that it’s stayed with you. If your work involves dealing with things like this, is there someone you can talk to there about it who can support you?

This rings really true to me somewhere

For me, the story exemplifies how trauma just gets passed on through generations And that is despairing. also, just the bleakness of new life and new hope coming into an environment with so little love.

Just so apt.
Things are just so wrong in this world sometimes aren't they?

We do have an EAP but I have rang them before and they were rubbish . It has helped just making this thread and knowing others can empathise though. And I think I might speak to my supervisor. Thank you :)

These are strange times OP and I think many of us are bothered by things that wouldn't usually get to us. All this means is that you are a caring and thoughtful person, able to look beyond the 'horror story' and see the real people underneath. The world needs more of that.

I assume the baby would have gone to a foster mum with a view to permanent adoption. There's no real need to worry about him/her - they will be placed with a family who will be able to give them a much better life. They will be cuddled, loved, fed, cleaned and clothed.

As for the poor mother, all you can really do is hope this provides a turning point for her. Either as a 'lightbulb moment' in her own mind or that she is being referred to agencies who can help her.

Like PP have said, talk to someone who will understand - I suspect many in your line of work will have had similar feelings at some point.

Really important to find a way to turn off, I know it's only human and probably why your in the job your in. This is how burn out starts though. I'm in nursing and it's happened to me before. Take care

That would bother the hell out of me. Big love for putting yourself i a professional vocation where you have to witness this. No wonder it sticks with you. You’re an amazing human. Xx

Why do you call her ‘a female’?
Are you narrating a David Attenborough documentary?

Hope your alright x

Lily
I think that's down to how we communicate at work to be honest!
Thank you willweeever

I hope you're right viciousjackdaw that is a nice thought. Just hope the cycle doesn't repeat-as I always would in these cases.

As a GP of 20+ years I’m glad when I hear of babies being taken into care at birth. To me this means that social services have done their job well. Far too often, parents are allowed to take babies home and have a few years to destroy their kids, so that by the time they’re taken into care it’s too late. Being adopted at birth is the best chance of breaking a negative cycle.
Of course it’s tragic for the parents, and it’s sad to think what that woman must have been through to get to this point, but at least her baby will have a better chance in life.
These decisions aren’t taken lightly. She’s probably had other kids taken into care further down the line, after years of failed parenting classes and support.
That’s my experience of these situations anyway.
So try and see this as a positive thing - that’s one child saved.

I work somewhere where I have to read very distressing and upsetting information on a daily basis. I've had to learn to depersonalise it and 'set it aside' - almost like I'm reading a story or a press release. Pretty hard to do but once you do learn to compartmentalise it does become a little easier. for you x

I get it OP. A baby being born into a situation like this is just so bleak. How pure and new that little life is and how already the cards are stacked against it. And how damaged the mother is too.

My adopted sister's bio sister had a baby at about the same time as I did, in similar circumstances. I just remember clutching my little boy and being so distraught at the thought of what that other baby was being born into. Addiction, poverty, crime. A terrible start in life. She loved him but it wasn't enough and he's been removed. Just sad all round.

Make sure to talk it through with someone. Samaritans are great as a listening ear. Just to get it out of your system.

allBagamoyo1
Good point. Thank you for commenting.

iklboogey I usually do, honestly. I've probably dealt with more harrowing things than this, which is why I don't think this should have affected me as it has? You're right-it has to be done doesn't it if we don't want to be rocking to ourselves in a corner somewhere :(

Thank you thickhead. I can't imagine how that made you feel. But for the grace of god comes to mind, not literally but you know..

@AnnListersBlister - there's always one that gets to you. Don't beat yourself up. You're human after all and the fact that some things do upset you is testament to that. I find something to do that resets me if I can - listening to my favourite music, a nice scented candle, something to ground me again.

Hopefully I can give you a little chunk of hope for this baby.

My children's births were very similar to this - they weren't even removed straight away at birth but came to us later after even more trauma with their birth parents- both tested positive for drugs when born.

Happy to say that we adopted them 5 years ago and although they still both have some hints of the trauma they suffered, they are both doing well at school, have friends and are loving & caring children. I still feel for their birth mum though- her life had been horrific and you're right about patterns repeating themselves. I'm very hopeful the break may come with my children's generation though.