Aibu regarding xmas plans? (Sorry another xmas one)

[Jj2431]

I have 3 kids age 12,7 and 3 months. Every year we see my parents and sister on Christmas day, this year we decided it would be no different, however, before we could discuss any plans, my dad rang me to tell me we can either go to theirs Christmas day afternoon or they could come to ours early Christmas morning because they couldn't come to ours in the afternoon as they have already arranged for my sister to visit them then. I told my dad I couldn't do Christmas morning as with 3 children it was going to be hectic enough with presents and trying to sort Christmas dinner. We also don't drive and would have to get two taxi's there and back to my dad's if we went to them in the afternoon and if we should run out or forget something for baby then we don't live close enough to just get it and all shops will be shut. He said they will come on Christmas eve instead which I have agreed to but I'm not happy because

1. My sister is a single person with zero responsibility so she could get up in the morning and go to them and free them up for us in the afternoon

1. They planned without us even though we have more responsibility to work around.

1. I know one of the reasons my dad won't want to come to us in the afternoon is because he hates getting taxi's and will refuse to drive because it then means he can't drink for an afternoon.

1. He has banged on since March about missing the kids and now he has a chance to spend time with them it's his way or no way.

1. When i asked mum her thoughts she replied with ' I would prefer to see you on the day but you're busy'...erm no, I'm busy early morning because I have 3 kids, I'm not busy the rest of the day.

So AIBU or should I just think well Christmas eve it is then?

Just for the record, I grew up the black sheep and I probably do still feel I am when situations like this happen and I feel last on the list of priorities.

I think you should just tell them you're there whenever they want to drop in and have a nice christmas with your kids, concentrate on making happy memories which you don't appear to have many of from your childhood.

They always fork out for a taxi to you in the afternoon even though you have said your DD would rather not. So this year they have decided to suit themselves and you are here complaining they never think of you? The world doesn't revolve around you because you are the one that has kids. Maybe your sis wants to see her parents without having to pander to your needs and l quite frankly l can see why.

Now is the time to say...I'm not shifting my ass on Christmas Day. You've got three kids and dont drive, four taxis is ridiculous

Though your Dad putting his drinking first is a bit OTT

Christmas morning sounds a fair compromise to me - your 12 and 7 year olds can help prep dinner/watch the 3 month old. Could you be a bit more flexible?

It’s on your parents that they booked your sister before asking what fitted in with you and the kids.

That said I can’t get my head around two parents who don’t drive. It’s totally impractical.

@Handsoffstrikesagain

Can I ask why you or your DP don’t drive OP?

face palm Seriously? That's the detail in this saga that you want to take issue with?

@Ironingontheceiling

Also. You don’t have to use car seats in a taxi.

You don't have to, but it's still a car so still sensible to.

is there any reason why you or your partner cant learn to drive? I know it wont help this year but would make things much easier for the future.

I think you are taking this too personally.

Your sister clearly has decided you are a Covid risk with 3 kids and is minimising contact.
Your parents want a drink with Christmas dinner and that’s fair enough.

Both have come up with alternatives so they can see you and the children. Your parents have come up three alternatives in fact.
Not sure why your reason that it will “be hectic” carries more weight than your dad not wanting to drive so he can have a glass or two on Christmas Day.

Sounds like the xmas eve option is the best result, given the family dynamics.

Have a lovely xmas day with your own family, and without having to fit in with anyone else.

I think your parents came up with a reasonable compromise. You seem to want it the way it's always been done. We've all had the strangest year and I think a lot of people have decided now's the time for change.

Be thankful you have a DH and 3 lovely kids who will appreciate you and everything you do for them - that's priceless.

What a palaver Christmas is for some people.

I think they are all being a bit selfish to be honest. You have 3 young kids and don't drive. They should be trying to make things as easy for you as possible if they want to see their grand kids. Surely your dad can put off having a drink until he gets home on Christmas day or can your sister pick them up and drop them back so he can have a drink ? sorry if I've missed something, haven't read the whole thread.

@1forAll74

What a palaver Christmas is for some people.

Exactly. Makes me feel relieved in a way that I only have my own little family to think about as we don't have any extended family that want to meet !

What a fuss about nothing. He's said he'll come Christmas Eve, what's wrong with that?

The only one who sounds selfish is you.
So because you have DC your automatically more important and the arrangements should be made around you. You’ve painted your Dad as being an abusive alcoholic and oh such an unfair childhood you had compared to your sister therefore everyone should do what you want for Christmas over your ‘single childless selfish sister.’ No wonder your sister wants a ‘grown up’ Christmas, you sound like a child yourself. The way you speak so negatively about your family why do you want them round at all?
Oh and dare even ask if DH is allowed any of his family there on Christmas because it’s all about you right?

One of the reasons you can’t visit on Christmas day afternoon is that you might forget something for baby and the shops are shut? Crikey.

Seeing the, xmas eve will be lovely. You could offer to do a buffet. If Xmas morning - I would offer breakfast and make dinner for the 5 of you late afternoon. Leave the kids in their Pjs. Otherwise you could accept their invitation for Christmas day afternoon..

There are a number of options available here OP.

Did the OP ever come back and say what normally happens on Christmas Day? Presumably she has never hosted (if she says her house isn’t big enough) and has never driven to her parents (because they don’t drive), so where do they normally eat?

@Redlocks28

Did the OP ever come back and say what normally happens on Christmas Day? Presumably she has never hosted (if she says her house isn’t big enough) and has never driven to her parents (because they don’t drive), so where do they normally eat?

I think they all eat at their own homes, the sister is going after lunch. The ops not really explained how she expects her parents to come to her in the afternoon then get back and make Christmas dinner, or if she’s expecting them to have a dry cmas lunch or take taxis to see her

Either way this isn’t about that, it’s about the ops resentment and jealousy of her sister. Some folks never grow out of it.😞

I can see your dads point, taxis on Christmas Day are hard to come by and he wants a drink with his lunch, I would say the same thing, either invite them for longer including food or Christmas Eve is a good compromise

I would have to take all their presents ........ and all the baby stuff and if through the chaos I happened to forget something then I can't just quickly get it, I would have to get a taxi all the way back again as the shops won't be open

I think you're looking for problems that don't exist. You could order gifts via Amazon and make a list of what you would need for one meal. None of that would be a barrier to travelling on Christmas Day

Maybe your parents prioritised your sister because she's single, so her Christmas options are limited

Yabu, why does your whole family's Christmas plans have to revolve around you just because you have kids? Your dad has offered a fair simple solution, stop being selfish, Christmas is for everyone not just you.

@thecatsthecats

I think I'm more or less your sister in my family. Married but no kids.

My sister makes a HUGE amount of fuss around my nephew. He's lovely, but they really do go OTT on doing everything their way. I understand that you have to with a small child, and we love spending time them as a family, but my husband and I also like spending time with my parents without the apparent bus load of crap my nephew needs (all ignored for the sake of a rock, or to bang a spoon against a table leg).

And this sort of behaviour predates my nephew - our first Christmas without my sister was a breath of fresh air. She too considers herself the black sheep, but what she misses is the part she plays in the dynamic - she has ALWAYS expected things to be done her way, and saw Christmas as something to be provided to her. I chip in, and I help out, and I go along with things.

It seems like you take for granted how much people bend around you because of your family, and consider yourself entitled to be put first, partly because of your family history.

Take a step back and think about how much you're specifying for three independent adults to spend their time.

They are probably thinking "Sis will be alone otherwise, whilst Jj will have the usual circus and it STILL won't be good enough".

This with bells on 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻