Aibu regarding xmas plans? (Sorry another xmas one)

[Jj2431]

I have 3 kids age 12,7 and 3 months. Every year we see my parents and sister on Christmas day, this year we decided it would be no different, however, before we could discuss any plans, my dad rang me to tell me we can either go to theirs Christmas day afternoon or they could come to ours early Christmas morning because they couldn't come to ours in the afternoon as they have already arranged for my sister to visit them then. I told my dad I couldn't do Christmas morning as with 3 children it was going to be hectic enough with presents and trying to sort Christmas dinner. We also don't drive and would have to get two taxi's there and back to my dad's if we went to them in the afternoon and if we should run out or forget something for baby then we don't live close enough to just get it and all shops will be shut. He said they will come on Christmas eve instead which I have agreed to but I'm not happy because

1. My sister is a single person with zero responsibility so she could get up in the morning and go to them and free them up for us in the afternoon

1. They planned without us even though we have more responsibility to work around.

1. I know one of the reasons my dad won't want to come to us in the afternoon is because he hates getting taxi's and will refuse to drive because it then means he can't drink for an afternoon.

1. He has banged on since March about missing the kids and now he has a chance to spend time with them it's his way or no way.

1. When i asked mum her thoughts she replied with ' I would prefer to see you on the day but you're busy'...erm no, I'm busy early morning because I have 3 kids, I'm not busy the rest of the day.

So AIBU or should I just think well Christmas eve it is then?

Just for the record, I grew up the black sheep and I probably do still feel I am when situations like this happen and I feel last on the list of priorities.

No, they aren't having Christmas lunch together otherwise I'd have understood. She is going there after Christmas dinner. I don't have room at my house to host Christmas dinner or I gladly would. I also do want to see her as I normally do but this year plans have been made without me in mind and I feel a bit upset considering my sister can go to theirs anytime that day or come to mine with them but she won't.

I would just be the most easy going relaxed person in your family regarding this, take the stress from your poor parents of their children trying to get one-up manship. I know you’re hurt but honestly rise above it, otherwise you’re only hurting yourselves more.

So I’d do a group message to dsis and d parents:

‘Hiya, we would love to see you all and spend time with you this Xmas. Seems more important than ever to be together whilst we still can.
Obviously due to us not driving and cost of taxis if it’s ok, we’d love to host you here.
Free Xmas Eve, Xmas day, Boxing Day.
Let me know when suits.’

If after that your parents only choose to spend time with you Xmas morning..... well then they’ve made their choice 🤷🏽‍♀️
It would be lovely for them to share in their grandchildren opening presents Xmas morning anyway! You could do a nice large special Xmas breakfast and put back Xmas dinner until later afternoon.

Just be flexible and welcoming, as who knows what might happen next year?

@Jj2431

No, they aren't having Christmas lunch together otherwise I'd have understood. She is going there after Christmas dinner. I don't have room at my house to host Christmas dinner or I gladly would. I also do want to see her as I normally do but this year plans have been made without me in mind and I feel a bit upset considering my sister can go to theirs anytime that day or come to mine with them but she won't.

Have you expressed any of this to the people involved?

Seems like you and your sister are both being very specific with your demands on your parents and they can’t really win!

If they usually come to yours Christmas afternoon maybe your sister has said this year she’d like it to be her turn.

You don’t want to get a taxi... neither does your dad. It can’t be reasonable for you to feel that way but not your parents.

Just have them over in the morning. The hectic present opening bit of Christmas is the best bit with kids. Let your parents join in that too!

So what would be your desired timeline for Xmas eve, day and Boxing Day?

Group message them all saying they're all welcome to visit from whatever time Christmas day or anytime boxing day, they kids and you would love to see them but if there too busy then that's fine you'll explain to the kids

Why does you not wanting to get a taxi trump your dad not wanting to get a taxi? Seems a bit harsh to think he is being selfish when you don't want to do the same thing. Just have your parents round in the chaos.

Sounds like you both want your own way. Your parents have likely chosen your sisters option as she’s alone and you aren’t.

Sounds as if your sisters isn't into children and doesn't want them around herself. Perfectly fine opinion to have. Just as you seem to think you should take priority becuse you have children - it is nice of family members when they do give that priority but they are by no means required to consider you first just because of the kids. That doesn't make the black sheep, though.

I think it trumps it because I would have to get two seperate taxi's there and back (so 4) at double the cost for each (I have 3 children) and I would have to take all their presents as well as car seats for 2/3 kids and all the baby stuff and if through the chaos I happened to forget something then I can't just quickly get it, I would have to get a taxi all the way back again as the shops won't be open whereas he drives and if he doesn't want to drive so he can drink he could get 1 taxi with there and back with no extra things to take other than presents but maybe I'm being precious then. Maybe my sister isn't a selfish cow after all.

I would have let my parents come Xmas morning, it will be the normal Christmas bedlam with presents, torn wrapping paper and dc eating choc for breakfast and me excusing myself for 15 mins while I stick the turkey in the oven (prepare everything else the night before) but they would love to be there all that.

I would have no problem they wanted to be back at their own home for a wee drink in the afternoon. You are making mountains out of molehills, relax a bit.

It sounds like you think everyone else is being selfish here without recognising that you're being selfish yourself. Your parents have said they will come to you Christmas Day but you've rejected them because you're busy but you could just have said they're welcome in the morning but that it'll be hectic. You've pretty much said no because they won't do things as you want them to.

I understand feeling low on the list of priorities but it doesn't sound like your parents are rejecting you but they just aren't dancing to your tune, so to speak.

Sounds like your single sister has cleverly engineered her Christmas to minimise any time with children!

Honestly seems as if it's all panned out well though. No one should be scrambling to see anyone on Xmas morning, it's hardly a great time to be social. You see parents on Xmas Eve and then have a nice family Xmas Day without having to sort taxis everywhere, your sister sees them on Xmas Day - and of course seeing them in the afternoon/evening is nicer for her, even though she's single - and then you all do your Boxing Day plans.

I'd go with having them visit Xmas eve
Then have lovely day just you and the kids Xmas day
Briefly see your sis Boxing day

It all sounds like an awful lot of drama over nothing .

It sounds as though your sister doesn't want to be around your DC?

It sounds like you think everyone else is being selfish here without recognising that you're being selfish yourself.

This!

You want them to come to you but only on Christmas Day (though, not the morning) but you don’t actually want to host anyone a meal?!

Ah your sister wants an adult Christmas!! I would invite your parents over on the 27th rather than Christmas Eve if that suits you better.

3 household can mix though? Why can’t you all go together for the afternoon?

Perhaps whilst previous Christmas arrangements have suited you, maybe they haven’t suited others and so this year your family are making plans that work for them for a change? For years I’ve gone along with whatever others have dictated as the plan because it felt like my preference was never a priority to anyone. This year I have told people what I’m doing and invited them to come along if the timings I’ve suggested suit them or do their own thing if they prefer. Perhaps your sister has taken a similar approach this year?....

How can you possibly say you don't have space to host when there's only 3 of them and 4 if you plus the baby at the side? My grandparents used to host 11 of us and 4 dogs in a 2-bed cottage, and everyone stayed over too! Plate up in the kitchen, then you all squash around table using sofa / bathroom stools / garden chairs / whatever for extra seating. Borrow chairs / stools if needed.

Where are your sister and parents eating their Christmas dinner if not together??

Honestly, it sounds like past experience and feeling of being the 'black sheep' are colouring this. On the face of it, it seems perfectly reasonable for your parents to say they will either come over to you on Christmas morning or, if that doesn't suit you, to see you on another day.

What do you normally do on Christmas Day? How do those logistics work & how do they differ this year?

Seems strange that it would work in previous years and not work this year, a compromise is needed by every party here, you included.

We can @Strangedayindeed but my sister doesn't want to. She wants to nip in boxing day to drop her presents off for us and then go and pick my parents up and have them at hers all day boxing day. So we basically get a couple hours xmas eve and they all get together for most the day 2 days in a row. I thought I was justified in feeling a bit upset by this but that's why I posted on here as I sometimes struggle to see things from a clear perspective as I have mental illnesses that mean sometimes I feel a bit ott about things that may not require it.