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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu regarding xmas plans? (Sorry another xmas one)

124 replies

Jj2431 · 29/11/2020 09:33

I have 3 kids age 12,7 and 3 months. Every year we see my parents and sister on Christmas day, this year we decided it would be no different, however, before we could discuss any plans, my dad rang me to tell me we can either go to theirs Christmas day afternoon or they could come to ours early Christmas morning because they couldn't come to ours in the afternoon as they have already arranged for my sister to visit them then. I told my dad I couldn't do Christmas morning as with 3 children it was going to be hectic enough with presents and trying to sort Christmas dinner. We also don't drive and would have to get two taxi's there and back to my dad's if we went to them in the afternoon and if we should run out or forget something for baby then we don't live close enough to just get it and all shops will be shut. He said they will come on Christmas eve instead which I have agreed to but I'm not happy because

  1. My sister is a single person with zero responsibility so she could get up in the morning and go to them and free them up for us in the afternoon
  1. They planned without us even though we have more responsibility to work around.
  1. I know one of the reasons my dad won't want to come to us in the afternoon is because he hates getting taxi's and will refuse to drive because it then means he can't drink for an afternoon.
  1. He has banged on since March about missing the kids and now he has a chance to spend time with them it's his way or no way.
  1. When i asked mum her thoughts she replied with ' I would prefer to see you on the day but you're busy'...erm no, I'm busy early morning because I have 3 kids, I'm not busy the rest of the day.

So AIBU or should I just think well Christmas eve it is then?

Just for the record, I grew up the black sheep and I probably do still feel I am when situations like this happen and I feel last on the list of priorities.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jj2431 · 29/11/2020 11:05

Thanks everyone and @ShowOfHands I think you're right thank you

OP posts:
Rowan8 · 29/11/2020 11:05

Wow, I'm with Gladly and everyone else. It seems you expect, no insist every must drop everything in their lives because you have children. Just like so many of us. My jaw is too far on the floor with disbelief so will concede to everyone else's comments. Can't you recall a time when you didn't have children... why exactly should anyone and everyone drop their lives for you. Especially if it doesn't make them happy.

ZenNudist · 29/11/2020 11:05

YABU but I appreciate that you dont just have a chip on your shoulder and are dealing with family dynamics that built up over time.

On the face of it you having children does not make your needs more important than your parents or sister. Celebrate on Christmas eve and be glad. We aren't seeing anyone this year which will be sad.

I agree Christmas morning is out. Christmas afternoon may be a problem if it interferes with your dinner plans but otherwise dont flap about having to take baby's bottle etc surely that's normal life with young dc. I still cart a ton of stuff round for 6 and 10yo boys (snacks, toys changes of clothes wet weather gear). I'd say hosting is harder anyway so I'd always rather go to someone else but that's me.

Redlocks28 · 29/11/2020 11:05

If you don’t drive and you won’t host, what normally happens on Christmas Day?

Does someone have to come and collect you all and take you all home again afterwards?!

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/11/2020 11:07

You don't drive, so not really mobile on Christmas day, and have family of 3 children and partner.
Your sister is otherwise alone, and appears not to want to spend extended time with children.
Your father would like to have a drink on Christmas Day (which does not make him an alcoholic) and does not want to spend an arm an a leg on Christmas day taxis.

What is wrong with seeing them Christmas Eve? - or prepping Christmas dinner on Christmas eve so that all you need to do is chuck it in the oven on Christmas morning and they can come over to you then, or having brunch on Christmas Day and Christmas Dinner at supper time rather than lunch time?

Your parents have given you options, you seem to want the only thing they aren't prepared to do because they have other plans.

Original poster
Jj2431 · 29/11/2020 11:20

I have my answer so going to come off soon but just wanted to say that as a child my dad always put alcohol before me and my sister so maybe I'm being extra sensitive about that. He also tries to dictate where each of us go for meals out for our birthdays instead of going along with our plans because he wants to go to the pub instead of a restaurant as he can drink more for a bit cheaper and as a child I was pushed aside constantly and also emotionally abused whilst my sister didn't get any of that so I probably do hold some resentment when this kind of thing occurs. I'll see them as planned xmas eve

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 29/11/2020 11:22

I hope you have a lovely Christmas at home with your little family. I think you have made a wise decision.

Strangedayindeed · 29/11/2020 11:25

@Jj2431

That’s not OTT at all. Your sister is being hurtful. Just keep suggesting that you all spend it together on Xmas afternoon. Your sister doesn’t get monopoly over Christmas.

Beautiful3 · 29/11/2020 11:25

I would leave them to it. It's no big deal. You have your family. They're a couple visiting a single grown up child, they probably want to be able to relax and drink in the afternoon/evening. If it really bothers you, ask them to see you xmas morning or xmas eve.

catattoon · 29/11/2020 11:29

GCSEs - why are us parents not up in arms about our kids having to sit GCSEs in England next year? My daughter has had 23 weeks off her learning this year but is expected to sit exams 3 weeks later than usual. It's just not fair and I imagine loads of kids will experience anxiety and depression dealing with this on top of dealing with Covid lockdowns. What can we do?

Redlocks28 · 29/11/2020 11:29

That’s a rather large drip feed.

If that’s what you think of your dad, maybe it’s better you don’t see them.

I’m still interested in what normally happens on Christmas Day. If you won’t host and don’t drive-where do you usually spend it and how?

Ironingontheceiling · 29/11/2020 11:30

@catattoon

GCSEs - why are us parents not up in arms about our kids having to sit GCSEs in England next year? My daughter has had 23 weeks off her learning this year but is expected to sit exams 3 weeks later than usual. It's just not fair and I imagine loads of kids will experience anxiety and depression dealing with this on top of dealing with Covid lockdowns. What can we do?
Wrong thread?
CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/11/2020 11:32

@Jj2431

Just to confirm that Sister is invited but doesn't want to. She wants to come on boxing day instead
Then they can all come on Boxing Day! You don't allow the least encumbered family member to dictate what happens when! That's just daft!
WitchesSpelleas · 29/11/2020 11:33

My sister is a single person with zero responsibility so she could get up in the morning and go to them and free them up for us in the afternoon

Just because she's single and child free, she shouldn't be the default person who has to work around everyone else.

I think you've found the best solution of seeing your parents on Christmas Eve - hope you have a lovely, cosy Christmas day with your family. [santa]

Dieffenbachia · 29/11/2020 11:40

@Bluetrews25

Will no-one think of the poor taxi drivers? Do they want to work xmas day? Hmm Confused
Probably, yes, at double rates given the appalling year they’ve face...
Dieffenbachia · 29/11/2020 11:45

@sanmiguel

I do find this bizarre but my two Penneth.... as much as I'm sure your parents would love to see the grandkids, you've got one more this year and folks with small kids sometimes struggle to appreciate that not everyone wants the noise and chaos all day. I love a chilling Christmas afternoon and tipple and you just don't get that with 3 kids so maybe they're suggesting what works for them for a change, not just what works for you! Same goes for your sister. You have a partner and 3 kids to brighten up your Xmas day. If she's single, maybe for once she also deserves to have a bit more focus on her needs and wishes? If seeing your parents is pretty much the sum of her Christmas and you don't host Christmas dinner, tbh the suggested timings sound best for all!
I think this probably goes to the heart of it from the parents’ perspective.
PlanDeRaccordement · 29/11/2020 11:45

YABU your parents gave you a choice of Christmas morning or Christmas afternoon. They set aside all of Christmas Day for you to pick from the outset as it’s obvious your sister was only going to be offered whichever time you did not choose. Your sister is also the one who would be alone with no family, unlike you who has a husband and children to spend it with. I think you are being unreasonable and it’s your way or no way.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 11:48

There is always a drip feed..

Op, you clearly have a sibling rivalry going on with your sister and compete with her for your parents attention. You’re envious of her and resent her. I guess it’s a hangover from your child hood that you’ve never been able to move past as an adult.

If your child hood was so bad, and you were abused and your father an alcoholic, then it maybe better you don’t see them on the day and seek some counselling to come to terms with how you perceive your relative child hoods.

SecretSpAD · 29/11/2020 11:53

Then they can all come on Boxing Day! You don't allow the least encumbered family member to dictate what happens when! That's just daft!

Having spent years as the apparent unencumbered family member, it does get tedious when you're the one expected to always compromise. I remember one Christmas when I was still working as a junior doctor on ferocious hours I was so pleased to have Christmas and new year off so I could go home. I wanted to relax and recover and do a bit of studying as well as I had exams coming up. Instead my mother decided that I had to be my baby nieces sole babysitter for the entire Christmas break because my sister (who wasn't working) had kids and I didn't.

I ended up leaving Christmas Day afternoon and spending the rest of the break on my own in my flat in London.

SecretSpAD · 29/11/2020 11:55

Sorry - my sister had kids and so was automatically more in need of a break than me who had been averaging 100 hours a week for months.

Redlocks28 · 29/11/2020 11:56

@SecretSpAD

Then they can all come on Boxing Day! You don't allow the least encumbered family member to dictate what happens when! That's just daft!

Having spent years as the apparent unencumbered family member, it does get tedious when you're the one expected to always compromise. I remember one Christmas when I was still working as a junior doctor on ferocious hours I was so pleased to have Christmas and new year off so I could go home. I wanted to relax and recover and do a bit of studying as well as I had exams coming up. Instead my mother decided that I had to be my baby nieces sole babysitter for the entire Christmas break because my sister (who wasn't working) had kids and I didn't.

I ended up leaving Christmas Day afternoon and spending the rest of the break on my own in my flat in London.

That was really crap of your family to do that.

I have to say though, it doesn’t really sound like the situation the OP is in at all.

Here, it seems like OP doesn’t want to host anyone for any food and won’t/can’t drive anywhere else. I am struggling to see exactly what it is they do want.

Bluntness100 · 29/11/2020 11:59

Here, it seems like OP doesn’t want to host anyone for any food and won’t/can’t drive anywhere else. I am struggling to see exactly what it is they do want

She wants to be prioritised over her sister.

BadMom82 · 29/11/2020 12:01

They offered to come to yours Xmas morning, if have give with that. Kids will be busy unwrapping presents so you all sit around and watch and chat.
Afternoon will mean fitting lunch around it, over tired kids, everyone wanting to play their game and more chaos surely

Freakout11 · 29/11/2020 12:29

Baffled

You don’t seem to like your parents very much
You have said that you ate seen as the black sheep of the family

So why so keen to spend more time with them over Christmas?
You children ate at wonderful ages to enjoy Christmas. Just focus on them!

gannett · 29/11/2020 12:33

@Jj2431

I have my answer so going to come off soon but just wanted to say that as a child my dad always put alcohol before me and my sister so maybe I'm being extra sensitive about that. He also tries to dictate where each of us go for meals out for our birthdays instead of going along with our plans because he wants to go to the pub instead of a restaurant as he can drink more for a bit cheaper and as a child I was pushed aside constantly and also emotionally abused whilst my sister didn't get any of that so I probably do hold some resentment when this kind of thing occurs. I'll see them as planned xmas eve
Not really surprised at this new information - but in light of it I'd say again that the way things have shaken out is still best for you.

You get to spend Xmas Day with your own DH and DCs - a loving family of your own - rather than running around everywhere navigating a toxic dynamic with your DPs and sister. Even if Xmas plans had gone your way, that wouldn't be fixed so easily - but you can focus on the part of your life that isn't about it.