Aibu regarding xmas plans? (Sorry another xmas one)

[Jj2431]

I have 3 kids age 12,7 and 3 months. Every year we see my parents and sister on Christmas day, this year we decided it would be no different, however, before we could discuss any plans, my dad rang me to tell me we can either go to theirs Christmas day afternoon or they could come to ours early Christmas morning because they couldn't come to ours in the afternoon as they have already arranged for my sister to visit them then. I told my dad I couldn't do Christmas morning as with 3 children it was going to be hectic enough with presents and trying to sort Christmas dinner. We also don't drive and would have to get two taxi's there and back to my dad's if we went to them in the afternoon and if we should run out or forget something for baby then we don't live close enough to just get it and all shops will be shut. He said they will come on Christmas eve instead which I have agreed to but I'm not happy because

1. My sister is a single person with zero responsibility so she could get up in the morning and go to them and free them up for us in the afternoon

1. They planned without us even though we have more responsibility to work around.

1. I know one of the reasons my dad won't want to come to us in the afternoon is because he hates getting taxi's and will refuse to drive because it then means he can't drink for an afternoon.

1. He has banged on since March about missing the kids and now he has a chance to spend time with them it's his way or no way.

1. When i asked mum her thoughts she replied with ' I would prefer to see you on the day but you're busy'...erm no, I'm busy early morning because I have 3 kids, I'm not busy the rest of the day.

So AIBU or should I just think well Christmas eve it is then?

Just for the record, I grew up the black sheep and I probably do still feel I am when situations like this happen and I feel last on the list of priorities.

And because I have a small 4 seater dining table and even have that in the living room as my house is a small terrace. We are trying to move for this reason but at present we barely have room to swing a cat let alone cook christmas dinner for 7 people and eat it comfortably.

@MRex

How can you possibly say you don't have space to host when there's only 3 of them and 4 if you plus the baby at the side? My grandparents used to host 11 of us and 4 dogs in a 2-bed cottage, and everyone stayed over too! Plate up in the kitchen, then you all squash around table using sofa / bathroom stools / garden chairs / whatever for extra seating. Borrow chairs / stools if needed.

I lived in a 2 bed cottage, 2 up, 2 down. We had one small room downstairs with a sofa and an armchair and a galley kitchen with postage stamp bathroom off it. We didn't have a table or anywhere to put one. We had seating for 4 people. We really couldn't have hosted Christmas!

(I do host now though and squash 13 people round a table for 8!)

Have them over Christmas morning. Maybe do a festive breakfast.

And enjoy the rest of the time at home, watching your programmes and letting the children enjoy their presents.

Not ideal, but the least stress.

I agree with PPs - you want it all your way and are now calling people selfish cows for not wanting to go exactly with your plans! This all sounds very hypocritical to be honest.

You can't say you want everyone to come to you for Christmas Day, but also refuse to cook for them. I also think it is absolutely reasonable for your parents to want to plan around your single sister not having to spend portions of the day alone - you have your partner and kids around so yes you will be less of a priority and that is fair enough.

Personally I also think it's totally reasonable for your dad to want to have a drink and therefore not drive - you aren't inviting them until late afternoon presumably if you aren't including lunch - who wants to drive after a massive turkey dinner? And who doesn't want to enjoy a nice glass of wine or two with it?

You are purposefully only seeing this from your point of view and being will fully ignorant of what anyone else might want or need, in my opinion.

If you want to see them be proactive then and invite to yours for lunch/dinner one day when they are free. Lack of space is not an excuse, families all over make do to see each other even if it means having Xmas dinner in the living room on a pasting table with borrowed chairs.

To be honest, yabu

Why do you expect priority because you have DCs? Your sister's plans and your dad's plans are just as important as yours. Why do you blame someone for not wanting to drive when neither of you have got around to learning?

Do Xmas Eve or Boxing Day instead.

Just have your parents over Christmas Eve then. Do a buffet and drinks. Job done.

So, have you never hosted your parents for dinner?

Where are they/ your sister eating dinner Xmas day, did you say?

What would you ideally like Christmas Day/Boxing Day to look like this year? Who would see who, when and where?

Personally its not Christmas Dinner if everyone's not squashed around the dinner table I had 12 people around and live in a standard 3 bedroom semi detached house. You don't want them to come on the morning but its only an 1 and half max for presents, prepare the food the night before job done or alternatively get a mini bus on the afternoon. Its what we done previously with a baby and 2 year old and an 8 year old.

Also won't youre dh want to see his family?

@Jj2431

I think it trumps it because I would have to get two seperate taxi's there and back (so 4) at double the cost for each (I have 3 children) and I would have to take all their presents as well as car seats for 2/3 kids and all the baby stuff and if through the chaos I happened to forget something then I can't just quickly get it, I would have to get a taxi all the way back again as the shops won't be open whereas he drives and if he doesn't want to drive so he can drink he could get 1 taxi with there and back with no extra things to take other than presents but maybe I'm being precious then. Maybe my sister isn't a selfish cow after all.

You sound like your making excuses what is all this stuff you need for the baby? Get a 7 seater.

Had you decided what your parents were doing for Christmas without consulting them and now upset that they're not willing to be dictated to?

You see them every year yet you're not willing to allow your sister to spend one year with them?

Having kids doesn't mean you have more right to your parents.

Grow up.

Op, reading between the lines, I think there's more to this. Does your Dad drink excessively? Is there history with your dsis?

If you have mental health struggles, then perhaps this thread won't help. Have a think about what's important to you this Christmas. AIBU perhaps isn't the place for this.

Will no-one think of the poor taxi drivers?
Do they want to work xmas day?

Taxis on Christmas Day will cost a fortune, if you can get one. Likely to cost less on Boxing Day and be available.

I do find this bizarre but my two Penneth.... as much as I'm sure your parents would love to see the grandkids, you've got one more this year and folks with small kids sometimes struggle to appreciate that not everyone wants the noise and chaos all day. I love a chilling Christmas afternoon and tipple and you just don't get that with 3 kids so maybe they're suggesting what works for them for a change, not just what works for you! Same goes for your sister. You have a partner and 3 kids to brighten up your Xmas day. If she's single, maybe for once she also deserves to have a bit more focus on her needs and wishes? If seeing your parents is pretty much the sum of her Christmas and you don't host Christmas dinner, tbh the suggested timings sound best for all!

Bluetrews25 alot of taxi drivers where I live are Asian and don't celebrate Christmas.

I don’t really know what the solution is, but I get how you’re feeling OP. It feels like your sister and parents planned what would be best for them and then you have to fit around that, rather than all discussing together. And if I were parents/single sister I would also think I would be happy to do more of the travelling round because you have 3 kids to juggle and logistics of that are obviously not as easy.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be put out by that, I would be too. But sadly you can’t change the way people think or feel...

OP, you mentioned that you can't cook Chrstmas Dinnee because your house is too cramped, however have you thought that perhaps your parents don't want to cook for all of you for one year? It would explain why they are seeing your sister after lunch, and why they haven't invited you to have lunch.

Cooking christmas dinner is a stressful experience, particularly when you are a couple and cooking for 5 other people (youself and 3 kids). I feel it is a little selfish when people just expect the mum and dad to do all the hosting and pay for everything etc. I'm not saying you do, OP, I am just saying that you do need to consider this a possibility. I get the impression you have been quite lucky so far and never had to do it for others....

I would accept that they feel hosting you is alot of expense, stress and hassle. Seeing you Christmas Eve or morning sounds lovely.

Have your parents to yours in the morning. Presents & bacon butties only. Have Christmas dinner just your household 4/5pm.

Book a 7 seat taxi.

Pack the baby a changing bag the night before or the week before and leave it ready.

Drop some formula for the baby over the week before so it’s there if that worries you.

@sanmiguel

I do find this bizarre but my two Penneth.... as much as I'm sure your parents would love to see the grandkids, you've got one more this year and folks with small kids sometimes struggle to appreciate that not everyone wants the noise and chaos all day. I love a chilling Christmas afternoon and tipple and you just don't get that with 3 kids so maybe they're suggesting what works for them for a change, not just what works for you! Same goes for your sister. You have a partner and 3 kids to brighten up your Xmas day. If she's single, maybe for once she also deserves to have a bit more focus on her needs and wishes? If seeing your parents is pretty much the sum of her Christmas and you don't host Christmas dinner, tbh the suggested timings sound best for all!

I agree with this. It is very easy to become blinkered when you don't have the stress of cooking a massive meal and all the trimmings for lots of other people. It is hard work, it is expensive, and they just want a more chilled Christmas this year. They are entitled to that, and of course they can't say that without it sounding bad, so have given you alternatives.

Say you would love to see them Christmas eve.

I think I'm more or less your sister in my family. Married but no kids.

My sister makes a HUGE amount of fuss around my nephew. He's lovely, but they really do go OTT on doing everything their way. I understand that you have to with a small child, and we love spending time them as a family, but my husband and I also like spending time with my parents without the apparent bus load of crap my nephew needs (all ignored for the sake of a rock, or to bang a spoon against a table leg).

And this sort of behaviour predates my nephew - our first Christmas without my sister was a breath of fresh air. She too considers herself the black sheep, but what she misses is the part she plays in the dynamic - she has ALWAYS expected things to be done her way, and saw Christmas as something to be provided to her. I chip in, and I help out, and I go along with things.

It seems like you take for granted how much people bend around you because of your family, and consider yourself entitled to be put first, partly because of your family history.

Take a step back and think about how much you're specifying for three independent adults to spend their time.

They are probably thinking "Sis will be alone otherwise, whilst Jj will have the usual circus and it STILL won't be good enough".

Also. You don’t have to use car seats in a taxi.

@Jj2431

We can *@Strangedayindeed* but my sister doesn't want to. She wants to nip in boxing day to drop her presents off for us and then go and pick my parents up and have them at hers all day boxing day. So we basically get a couple hours xmas eve and they all get together for most the day 2 days in a row. I thought I was justified in feeling a bit upset by this but that's why I posted on here as I sometimes struggle to see things from a clear perspective as I have mental illnesses that mean sometimes I feel a bit ott about things that may not require it.

You're not being OTT, you are entitled to feel upset x but we cannot control what others want to do, so must just make the decision to not over think it, and just have a lovely Christmas Day with your own family. If your parents drop in Christmas morning, get a bottle of prosecco opened and cheers them, then let it go. Xxx