To put this present in the food bank?

[XmasHollie]

I bought a present for my ex from our son (hes 3) however my ex is being a prize dickhead. hes purposefully rotaed himself to work every weekend during this lockdown so I get no break at all. Hes changing shifts to work so he cant have his son aswell. Aibu to say no presents and put it in the food bank?

I agree. And I understand why some people do it, from what has been posted here. But I do wonder what is the lesson to the child?

It's not a lesson though - it's simply to make the dc happy that they are giving a parent a gift. The lessons can be learned themselves later by natural consequence when they are older and more emotionally mature to deal with it

@dontdisturbmenow

Why did you get something in the first ace if your son can't really appreciate the meaning of it yet?

I'm a doormat and I've had enough of it

Go for it OP, bad parents are getting away with too much. A picture is more than fine

Don't drag your son into adult problems

He won't thank you for it when he's older and it can have a terrible effect on his mental health when he's older - particularly when he's a teenager.

Those years may seem like a long way off now OP, but they'll be here soon enough and you really don't want to be blaming yourself for any of it or thinking 'What if'?

The same goes for his dad but you can only control your own behaviour, so start as you mean to go on and keep your child out of it.

Yanbu OP. Your son won't know.

It’s not a lesson though - it's simply to make the dc happy that they are giving a parent a gift

I agree. Imagine a child’s distress when they don’t have anything to give a parent on a special day. It’s not about how we might feel, it’s about the child. Sadly, many adults can’t get over themselves and see that bigger picture. For them, hurting the adult is the priority and what better way to do that than ignore birthdays or other special days?

Tbh OP I wouldn’t have bought anything for the shit from your son anyway. At 3 he is too young to think to buy daddy a present and I bet you won’t be getting one back. Why are you going out of your way to d9 this anyway.

Food bank or charity shop absolutely.

Does your ex buy you a present for Christmas/birthdays? You are the one who deserves one, since you're doing all the work.

He does buy me presents from our son yes but u get literally no break at all

It's up to you, isn't it. We don't know the ins and outs and your emotions. Why ask to ask strangers, must do what you feel you want to do.

It's not your sons fault you don't get a break though - and at 3 he will surely notice he's not giving dad a present when he is giving mum one.

Hes more interested in his own presents than anyone elses

@midnightstar66

I agree. And I understand why some people do it, from what has been posted here. But I do wonder what is the lesson to the child?

It's not a lesson though - it's simply to make the dc happy that they are giving a parent a gift. The lessons can be learned themselves later by natural consequence when they are older and more emotionally mature to deal with it

Genuine question, what about when the other parent, usually the mother's birthday comes around? And there is no effort in relation to getting a present?

Genuine question, what about when the other parent, usually the mother's birthday comes around? And there is no effort in relation to getting a present?

Well in this case op states ex does get her a present from dc. In my case no he doesn't doesn't mean dc don't want to give their dad something though, I just minimise it for now. As I said as they get older they'll draw their own conclusions. Of course they'd be happier if it was both ways but I'm doing my bit, it's all I can do

you send ex's kids artwork and home made items this does anumber of things - gets the unwanted artwork out of your house without you throwing it out, you encourage the kids to ask to see it on the walls at ex's and then you junk model "useful" things like pen pots, loo roll covers, boxes for nic naks etc. Costs you v little, amuses the kids for hours AND annoys ex.

Food bank.

have your son make him a card instead.

@Basecamp65

Stop and think about what messages this behavior sends your son and what sort of person you would like him to grow up to be.

This is actually your sons gift to his father - you may have paid for it but out of the household money for you and your son

Sorry but i think this is unbelievable petty and immature.

Yes. I'd be particularly worried if I were the OP about putting across the vibe that "daddy doesn't care about him".

Which shit as OP's ex is, just isn't true, because although he doesn't prioritise him as he should, hearing that your parent doesn't care about you is HUGELY damaging for a child.

OP, you can't control your ex's behaviour, but you can control your own. Yes, it's unfair, but if you satisfy your own bitterness first and foremost then it's your son's self esteem that will suffer. I'm sure you don't want that, so just let him give his dad a present.

My DC like gift giving. They ask to buy gifts for family, friends etc. So of course I can't tell them that no, they can not buy Daddy something - even though I'd much prefer not to buy the useless twat anything.

Is it alcohol? If so, it might be worth checking if the FB can accept it. I have heard that some don't but I'm sure that's not the case everywhere.

This is actually your sons gift to his father - you may have paid for it but out of the household money for you and your son

Any money the absent parent pays is for the the expenses involved in raising the child. It covers housing, utility bills, clothing etc. In this case the father hasn't been taking the child on the weekends he's meant to, so if maintenance has been worked out on the basis that he has his son every other weekend the OP has not been receiving all that her child is entitled to.
I'd go with the drawing. You can get a frame in Poundland.

@midnightstar66

Genuine question, what about when the other parent, usually the mother's birthday comes around? And there is no effort in relation to getting a present?

Well in this case op states ex does get her a present from dc. In my case no he doesn't doesn't mean dc don't want to give their dad something though, I just minimise it for now. As I said as they get older they'll draw their own conclusions. Of course they'd be happier if it was both ways but I'm doing my bit, it's all I can do

Thanks @midnightstar66 and just to say, I'm in no way criticising how anyone chooses to deal with the situation. I know it can't be easy.

@XmasHollie

Hes more interested in his own presents than anyone elses

Even more reason to start imbedding the value of giving to other people.

@XmasHollie

I'm not going to ask the food bank about the ethics of it its food so they can have it

If its just a normal food item fine but if its a special item it may be worth checking with them

@Lovemusic33 oh how lovely she has bought you a gift. I have three dc one of which is severely autistic with learning difficulties so I know exactly where you are coming from. Your ex sounds a complete prick just like mine tbh!!! It's nice to teach them to give gifts but if I were you I would reserve for people who actually deserve them and he doesn't sound like he is one of them!

@KatharinaRosalie well said. Agree 100%