To put this present in the food bank?

[XmasHollie]

I bought a present for my ex from our son (hes 3) however my ex is being a prize dickhead. hes purposefully rotaed himself to work every weekend during this lockdown so I get no break at all. Hes changing shifts to work so he cant have his son aswell. Aibu to say no presents and put it in the food bank?

Sounds like he won't see him anyway. If it's something that would be useful to the food bank, go for it.

Just to add, I'm sure ex won't have bought anything for the child to give to you, so start as you mean to go on, in that respect.

I've been there, I really resented giving ex anything especially when he kept job hopping and not paying maintenance.

However its not really about you or even him. It's about teaching your child how people should be treated and whether your ex is a disappointment or not your DC will love him and we give gifts to people we love when we celebrate Christmas. What that gift is is up to you. Giving a token £1 gift will mean the same to your DC than a more expensive one.

I wonder if the ex will even consider get OP something from their son. I doubt it.
Give it to the food bank.

I'd personally give him the gift.
Just because he's an a*hole doesn't mean you have to lower yourself to his pettiness.
Give your ds the gift for his Dad, smile, and wish him a fabulous Christmas. I guarantee you'll feel better. You are better than him. He needs your pity.

@sashh

No, you get ds to hand it over, you smile sweetly knowing you are being a good parent.

You do this next year too, and the year after.

You can think about sending ex a turd in a shoe box but you retain the high ground.

This...and this is what I have done every year for my dc’s, he doesn’t do the same in return, has never taken the dc to buy me something, he’s a useless father, sees the dc for a few hours a week and the demands he has them on Boxing Day so he can play ‘the good parent’ and give the gifts (gifts I have sourced for him as he doesn’t have time). But every year I take the dc’s to buy him a gift even if it’s something small. I’m looking forward to the day I don’t have to do it anymore. And I would love to send him a turd in a box but for the kids I stay amicable with him and keep my mouth shut.

YANBU if the present is from your son for your ex, I read it as being that way rather than a present purporting to be from your ex for your son.

If the present is for your ex then yes, give it to the foodbank unless your son is very keen to give him a gift and has asked to do that.

Always worth having something to give however annoying that feels. I used to hate having to do this but if I didn't, and there were years I couldn't face it, there would always be a last minute question from DS about having a present 'for daddy'. I have generally just satisfied myself by buying a cheap token rather than anything more than that plus something home made from nursery/preschool perhaps when they start bringing such things back.

I'd still give it to him.

I'd also send a text acknowledging how very disappointed he must be not to be able to see his son on the weekend, and offer a weekday instead.

It is good to be the bigger person.

And lots of good things for you in not sharing your lovely son.

@Lovemusic33 why are you doing that? Let him source his own presents for the kids. If he's not giving you a gift from the kids don't give him one. You are teaching them it's acceptable to be treated the way he is treating you and it's not! Do not let them see that it's ok for things to be one sided. If he doesn't buy for you don't buy for him.

@sashh

No, you get ds to hand it over, you smile sweetly knowing you are being a good parent.

You do this next year too, and the year after.

You can think about sending ex a turd in a shoe box but you retain the high ground.

This.

[quote clpsmum]@Lovemusic33 why are you doing that? Let him source his own presents for the kids. If he's not giving you a gift from the kids don't give him one. You are teaching them it's acceptable to be treated the way he is treating you and it's not! Do not let them see that it's ok for things to be one sided. If he doesn't buy for you don't buy for him. [/quote]
I guess because I don’t want my dc to be disappointed and I don’t want my house full of tat that they won’t use. My dc’s have ASD so they are tricky to buy for and DD (more severely autistic) isn’t safe to have most of the things he would buy her. I give the dc a few £ and they buy him a gift so it’s not necessarily coming from me, I try and teach the dc that it’s nice to gift and of course they are getting gifts from him. Dd1 has actually bought me a gift this year for the first time with her own money, DD2 will probably never be able to buy me a gift. One year ex did give me a bottle of wine, I don’t drink and he knows this 🤨

Bollocks to him, I'm a tad biased but screw the dad in this scenario
If your son asks just say daddy really really wanted a picture drawn for him and leave it at that.
Because I doubt your child will believe his dad asked for a bag of dog crap
I hope you have a lovely happy Christmas

Stop and think about what messages this behavior sends your son and what sort of person you would like him to grow up to be.

This is actually your sons gift to his father - you may have paid for it but out of the household money for you and your son

Sorry but i think this is unbelievable petty and immature.

Does the ex get you a gift from your kid?

I think you would be within your rights to do this TBH. Maybe just get a small box of Quality Street so DS has something for him? (On a separate note ,does anyone know if Crackers (unopened box ) from a couple of years back would be acceptable to FB? Many Thanks x

It depends what the tradition has been up until now. If you've always bought each other gifts for your son to give to you both, then let him still have it. Maybe it will even make him feel a bit guilty.
If not, then fuck it. Give it to the food bank if you wish but can I suggest you keep it? You sound like you're having a shit time.

I've never given my exes presents from the kids and vice versa. Never really thought about it tbh. I started buying my own parents presents when I was a quite a bit older and assumed mine would do the same. In the meantime they can make cards.

Don’t be petty. This is a gift from his son, not you.

Your son should have a present to gift to his dad. It doesn't have to be something bought. A handmade card or ornament would be nice. Don't teach your son to be spiteful. Teach him to be a good person who is righteous, kind and compassionate.

dottie ask your local FB - I volunteer at a FB and it can be quite difficult to deal with 'non food donations' People think they are being kind but it is just something else for the FB volunteers to deal with, we often get asked if we can distribute toys at Christmas but it is very difficult to work out which toy should go to which child and can become a bit of a logistical nightmare so we prefer to only accept food.

@dottiedodah

I think you would be within your rights to do this TBH. Maybe just get a small box of Quality Street so DS has something for him? (On a separate note ,does anyone know if Crackers (unopened box ) from a couple of years back would be acceptable to FB? Many Thanks x

@dottiedodah Are they two years out of date? I suppose the question is would you want to eat two year old crackers?

Agree you should take the moral high road.
If you do things like take a picture of it at the food bank like a pp then you are stopping to his level and throwing fuel on the fire

Its tempting to act quickly and get short term highs off feeling vindicated but they dont last

Anything petty you do can be thrown back in your face as being hostile. Dont give them anything that they can use as proof as "I was nice but your mum was horrible/didnt let me".

Its hard to be the bigger person but your son will appreciate it when he is older. You are just giving ex the space to show who he truly is

Are they two years out of date? I suppose the question is would you want to eat two year old crackers?

These will surely be Christmas crackers, non edible

You absolutely do not have to buy your ex a present from your son, especially every year, why do people insist on this doormat type behaviour. I’ve never bought my daughter father a present from her and she has never noticed, she is 16. She is a strong independent team and actually she would think it a rather daft thing to do every year.

Team not sure where that came from = young woman.