Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put this present in the food bank?

108 replies

XmasHollie · 29/11/2020 07:58

I bought a present for my ex from our son (hes 3) however my ex is being a prize dickhead. hes purposefully rotaed himself to work every weekend during this lockdown so I get no break at all. Hes changing shifts to work so he cant have his son aswell. Aibu to say no presents and put it in the food bank?

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 29/11/2020 10:12

I'd rather not as my ex doesnt even care about his son but your son cares about his dad. It's about your son.

I wonder if the ex will even consider get OP something from their son. I doubt it. Most people don't give to receive so I don't see how that's relevant.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/11/2020 10:14

From the OPs posts, it is a gift of food that the OP purchased for her son to give to his partner.
Seems to be a lot of confusion in the replies - or maybe I have misinterpreted, but on that basis:

I would see how ex behaves post lockdown - if he is going to see his son before /at Christmas, I would let your son have the pleasure of giving his father the gift, which seems to be the main point of the gift.
It isn't your son's fault that his father is a twat.

If he is still arranging not to see his son - foodbank, so that someone else gets the pleasure - I assume its chocolate/luxury item.

Chailatte20 · 29/11/2020 10:15

Not all foodbank accept non food donations but the salvation army, local community & church groups do. Check with them because my local ones are collecting gifts for deprived families now.

MeMarmite · 29/11/2020 10:15

I think this is really variable, from one situation to the next, but you know your child best - if it won't make any difference, then why do it? Why spend your money/time/energy on someone who doesn't give a shit? It's just pointless.

I will probably encourage my DC to write a card and do a drawing or something for their father but I don't see why I should spend heaps of money on someone who doesn't even pay maintenance. The money spent on him is literally taking resources away from the DC he doesn't even support. Fuck that.

Amira19 · 29/11/2020 10:18

Could it be because hes struggling financially after the pandemic and trying to get abit of over time for Christmas.

Ugzbugz · 29/11/2020 10:18

Give it away and never do it again, block his number and move on, the contact will phase out I would think, sooner the better so your DS FORGETS.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 29/11/2020 10:22

Christmas crackers - they will still be good after a couple of years, (often just two of us at Christmas, shops mostly sell larger boxes/we often forget to use them)
More a question of whether FB is prepared to handle explosives, also often quite bulky - call and check with the foodbank?

Catmads · 29/11/2020 10:23

@XmasHollie I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and still give him the present this year. It's been a complicated year working out who is just being an arse and who is genuinely struggling with 2020.

I know it's hard parenting alone 24/7 as I did it with my Dd18.

Her father saw her once when she was 3 and once when she was 8. The last contact she had from him was a phone call when she was 11 and he promised to send her money for a school trip, it never arrived.
I discovered by chance that he's lived 5 miles away for about 4 years but has made no attempt at contact.

He falls in the arse category.

midnightstar66 · 29/11/2020 10:24

My dc's dad is a complete arse who barely pays a penny for his dc and leaves all parenting to me (and the little bit he does is actually his girlfriend doing) I still buy him a small token gift as it makes the dc happy to give him it. I'd be surprised if your ds doesn't already understand or care about this at 3. Most 3 year olds would. I'd just give him the gift and take the moral high ground for the sake of ds

Zucker · 29/11/2020 10:34

A nice picture from the 3 year old will do the job just as nicely.

Why continue to let these ex fuckers walk all over you? Addressing all the people on this thread that go out of their way to buy presents for an ungrateful, awkward ex in the name of taking the high road.

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 29/11/2020 10:36

Does your child know that the gift is bought. If he picked it out, or even if you showed it to him saying "look what I got for you to give to daddy," then it can't just vanish. He needs to give it to him. Even if that's not till Easter.

If only you know that it was bought with that intention then it's yours to do as you wish with.

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 29/11/2020 10:38

The sentiment's not unreasonable, but 3 year olds can remember these things.

midnightstar66 · 29/11/2020 10:39

He's not walking all over me at all. I'm not going out of my way - I pick up something cheap with the word dad on it whilst doing my general shopping as it makes my dc happy. Way too much fit for tat going on and it's a shame for the dc who just want to see their parents tolerate each other

Original poster
XmasHollie · 29/11/2020 10:59

Maybe he is financially struggling due to his gambling debts and all the money he conned out of me when we were together

OP posts:
DryRoastPeanut · 29/11/2020 11:03

Give it away. Your ex will know it’s from you, don’t want him thinking his shitty behaviour is in any way acceptable!

inlectorecumbit · 29/11/2020 11:04

Donate the present to the foodbank
Wrap up a bar of chocolate (snicker !!) for DS to give. It's still a present and your DS will know no differently

LadyWaiting · 29/11/2020 11:04

Depends what it is.

Isthatitnow · 29/11/2020 11:10

You know, OP, there are things where, in my opinion, it is worth being the bigger person. I have bought presents for Xmas, birthday and Father's Day for my Ex from our children for the last 12 years whilst he pays no maintenance and mainly ignores equivalent special days for me. When he does pull his finger out, the furthest the children get is Poundland. I do begrudge it, don't get me wrong. It is beyond the pale but the one time I let them use their own money to buy him presents and kept my mouth shut (the youngest bought him a bar of chocolate because it was what he could afford) he went batshit at them because, in his words, it simply wasn't enough. Same child who bought him chocolate also bought me chocolate and in my household, got a big thank you and fuss made about how lovely it was. The fact his birthday gift was late last year becuase one of our children had been admitted to HDU the night before with a life threatening condition was also commented on - he had the audacity to tell said sick child whilst still in the HDU that he didn't mind he hadn't got a gift that morning because all the gift he needed was him getting better.

I continue to buy presents becuase I consider it the right thing to do. It shows the children that I am able to get over myself and do the right thing even if, as someone further up has said, it makes it look like I'm rewarding his piss poor behaviour. Following the chocolate incident, they are scared to go to his house without a gift at appropriate times. As they have grown into teens, they have shown me they are fully aware of what a shit he is and how he treats both them and me in relation to special times. They have also shown that they appreciate that I have done, and continue to do, the 'right thing' even if we all know he's a shit who doesn't deserve it. Once they reach 18, I will stop. And I don't fancy his chances after that!

wildraisins · 29/11/2020 11:21

If it's meant to be a gift from your son then it should have nothing to do with how you feel about your ex.

But maybe instead of a bought gift it should be more like a card that your son draws on or something so it's actually from him and he knows about it. At 3 he isn't too young to know about gift giving.

It's just really important that you don't let any animosity between you and your ex affect your son's relationship with him.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/11/2020 11:28

I'm not sure it is a good lesson to children if you keep buying presents to exes who are ungrateful bastards and treat you and children like shit. What's the lesson? The right thing is to let people walk all over you? Bad behaviour should have no consequences, just kick off and whine, and everybody will keep pandering to you?

Dieffenbachia · 29/11/2020 11:30

You can put more than food in food bank some people donated lego toys they gave them away for free

I did not know food banks were for more than food

Thrownaway · 29/11/2020 11:37

My partner is from divorced parents. Her mum was petty, but her dad took the high road.

We know why her mum was angry but she comes out of it looking like a child, doing lots of "well you cant see your dad because xyz".

Neither behaved well, but dad always has the excuse of well your mum stopped you seeing me.

It would have been much better if her mum had of let her come to those conclusions naturally, rather than be constantly critical and petty as all it did was make dad look like the innocent party and push dp to her dad.

CharityDingle · 29/11/2020 11:41

@KatharinaRosalie

I'm not sure it is a good lesson to children if you keep buying presents to exes who are ungrateful bastards and treat you and children like shit. What's the lesson? The right thing is to let people walk all over you? Bad behaviour should have no consequences, just kick off and whine, and everybody will keep pandering to you?
I agree. And I understand why some people do it, from what has been posted here. But I do wonder what is the lesson to the child?
AcornAutumn · 29/11/2020 11:47

@XmasHollie

I'd rather not as my ex doesnt even care about his son
Go ahead and give it to the food bank.

Your ex is clearly avoiding his child anyway! Might be best for DC anyway?

dontdisturbmenow · 29/11/2020 11:51

Why did you get something in the first ace if your son can't really appreciate the meaning of it yet?