To consider leaving because of this.

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

I feel awful posting this. I feel awful feeling this.
I met my now husband 10 years ago, he was very much of the mindset he didnt want to rent a house, because it was dead money. Infact he didnt want to move in with me because I was renting a house. At 20, having been chucked out of my home at 16, I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.
So anyway, it quickly became apparent that he had got himself into vast amounts of debt. I stood by, supported him. I dont want to go too far into things, but he was made bankrupt, I was certain that this would be his fresh start. With that fresh start he would become financially savvy, we would then start preparing to buy a house.

4 years ago, he was released from his bankruptcy order.
It took him about a year to get credit cards and fall delinquent on them. He has amassed ccjs, hes been shite with money and he now doesnt want to work, and is limited in what he can do because he has leg problems. I feel like hes absolutely trashed any chances of having a successful life and it's all his own doing.

I met him at 25 and he didnt have a penny, and at 35 he doesnt either. He has earned very well the past 4 years.

I'm at the point where I'm desperate to buy a house. It's been my goal for my entire adulthood. I feel like I'm just realising hes never going to get serious and if I stay in this relationship itll never happen.
I'm considering leaving and downgrading my plans to buy a 2 bedroom flat, because that will fit in with what I can personally afford.

I guess theres an element of feeling pissed off because it's not like we havent had discussions about getting out of the rental market, but he doesn't care anymore. He just doesnt give a shit. I want stability. I dont want to spend retirement privately renting.
I've been saving money for a very long time, he invests money in crypto currency (and loses it) but has no interest in how to get himself mortgage ready. If there was a plan to get himself to a point where he could buy in the future, I'd be so happy, half the deposit ready, but he has no interest.

Maybe I just need a bit of a moan. Maybe I'm an utter cow.

I'd leave. Don't waste any more of your life and dreams on a lazy deadbeat who is shit with money. He had his chance.

Are there children involved? I could not be with such an irresponsible person. I’d be making plans to leave and buy a house.

I don't care if I sound callous.
I'd leave with or without kids in the picture.

You will be dealing with this same misery in 30 years if you dont.
Some people are shit with money, it just runs through their fingers. I knew from a young age I just couldn't be with someone like that and have ended relationships for this reasons previously.

Good luck OP it sounds shit

You would be absolutely insane to stay with this man.

You have two choice - leave and live your life or stay and drown with him pulling you under.

You will always resent him for having no money. I would leave and sort myself out if I were in your position.

Fundamentally your goals aren’t aligned, you want different things and you aren’t in sync anymore. That alone is enough to leave, it’s why a lot of relationships end.

And from a practical POV even if he does change his mind, do you want to invest in property with a man who has a proven record of being bad with money? Maybe if he’d shown that he’d changed and evolved, but the fact he regularly loses money in Bitcoin or whatever suggests he hasn’t.

Ditch him. He’s had plenty of chances to sort himself out and he hasn’t and has no plans to. You deserve better.

YANBU. And what’s more, do not get yourself any further financially entangled with this useless man. No joint accounts and certainly no joint mortgage. Otherwise he will just ruin your credit rating along with yours.

I read that a second time, hoping I’d read, “partner” not “husband”.
Oh dear.
Your savings for a deposit... how much of that will go to him in a divorce?
Go and see and solicitor, and then push aggressively to keep as much of your hard earned money as you can.
Ditch this absolute loser.

@Cherrysoup

Are there children involved? I could not be with such an irresponsible person. I’d be making plans to leave and buy a house.

Yes I've a 12 year old from a previous relationship. Weve not conceived during our relationship, and have not tried to. I learnt my lesson the first time I was saddled with a child who's father wanted no responsibility. I've always known deep down I couldnt rely on him. I've hoped that would change..but in 10 years nothing has.

Buy a house/flat after you have divorced him.

@SimplyRadishing

I don't care if I sound callous. I'd leave with or without kids in the picture.

You will be dealing with this same misery in 30 years if you dont.
Some people are shit with money, it just runs through their fingers. I knew from a young age I just couldn't be with someone like that and have ended relationships for this reasons previously.

Good luck OP it sounds shit

That's my biggest concern. I cant continue to do this with him.

@Sparklesocks

Fundamentally your goals aren’t aligned, you want different things and you aren’t in sync anymore. That alone is enough to leave, it’s why a lot of relationships end.

And from a practical POV even if he does change his mind, do you want to invest in property with a man who has a proven record of being bad with money? Maybe if he’d shown that he’d changed and evolved, but the fact he regularly loses money in Bitcoin or whatever suggests he hasn’t.

You're right. He hasnt changed. I have this nagging feeling that he just hasnt quite got it. He never will and it's making me so unhappy. Every day I live with this dread that one day the rent on where we are now is going to fly up, and become unaffordable and were going to have nowhere to go. Rent in this street is £400pcm more than our landlord currently charges us. But hes just sat with his head in the clouds.

I feel like we arent compatible anymore so to read that is a bit sobering

@RUOKHon

YANBU. And what’s more, do not get yourself any further financially entangled with this useless man. No joint accounts and certainly no joint mortgage. Otherwise he will just ruin your credit rating along with yours.

He already did that a few years ago, we no longer have any shared finances because of it. I never even used the joint account but he went into the unarranged overdraft, and took 11 months to pay it back.

I’d separated finances fast and get legal advice. You may well be looking at being saddled with half his debts if any debt is in joint names and losing a chunk of your savings to give to him as part of a settlement.

I wouldn’t stay with a man who was so wilfully bad with money and didn’t work to boot. What’s the point.

@Cocomarine

I read that a second time, hoping I’d read, “partner” not “husband”. Oh dear. Your savings for a deposit... how much of that will go to him in a divorce? Go and see and solicitor, and then push aggressively to keep as much of your hard earned money as you can. Ditch this absolute loser.

I'm hoping very little will go to him. Usually I'd not consider lying, but I've had to, to keep our heads above water. There are several accounts that he doesnt know about with fairly small amounts in them, but together a fair chunk of money. Things like tax rebates are sat there that he doesnt necessarily know I'd have. How fucking shit is that. I hate that this is what things have turned into.

Would he agree to divorce with you walking away with all your savings and him with all his debt? Whilst morally he should, would he go quietly in that respect?

I’m sorry OP. I’ve been in a similar scenario with a long term partner where I realised we just weren’t right anymore because we wanted different things. It’s very upsetting and difficult, but you need to think about what you want in life and move on if he won’t help you get there.

If you did buy a house with him you'd likely lose it I think, he sounds shockingly bad with money.

I would not lie, but I would gather evidence of what both of you have contributed to the marriage and where he has spent his debt - eg if he had spent it on items for the household and holidays that you have both benefited from then he could argue that it is a debt of the marriage, whereas if he has splashed it on himself whilst you can show that you have put more in to the marriage then they may look differently.

I feel for you more that you feel saddled with a dc...

My dc have feckless nasty df's but I have never felt saddled with any of them..

Hoping it was just a bad choice of words op...

He is nothing but an anchor around your neck. Stop allowing him to drown you.

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

I feel for you more that you feel saddled with a dc...

My dc have feckless nasty df's but I have never felt saddled with any of them..

Hoping it was just a bad choice of words op...

May have been a bad choice of words, but I was left alone at 17 with a child, very little money and no support. My daughter has been the absolute light of my life, but at the same time, I had to get myself on my feet, I had to try and make a career for us to have any sort of life. I had no idea what I was doing, I had no support, financially or physically with my daughter, and that was very hard to do. I remember a few years feeling like an absolute slog and the only time her father turned up was to make things harder than they were. I spent years going through all sorts of nasty accusations put to SS, the police and even child tax credits just for fun on DDs fathers behalf.

I'd not have another child to end up in a similar position again.

You aren’t a cow. You are craving stability. Unfortunately your husband isn’t working towards the same goals. You just don’t sound on the same page. I’m sorry OP

Many years ago, my best friend announced that she was buying a house and that her long term boyfriend would have no part in it. She would be paying the deposit, choosing the house and if he wanted to live with her he would have to pay rent.

At the time I found it scandalous. But I was 25 and thought love conquered all. Who cares if he only works seasonally? Why does it matter that he doesn’t save his pennies and spends every Friday night in his parents basement smoking pot? Don’t you like, love him?

Anyway, he’s probably still in his parents basement smoking pot at 40 whilst my best bud lives mortgage free. He struggled to come up with his half for the first six months and after less than a year they had split. She plowed on with her dream regardless of him and I suggest you do the same.