To consider leaving because of this.

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

I feel awful posting this. I feel awful feeling this.
I met my now husband 10 years ago, he was very much of the mindset he didnt want to rent a house, because it was dead money. Infact he didnt want to move in with me because I was renting a house. At 20, having been chucked out of my home at 16, I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.
So anyway, it quickly became apparent that he had got himself into vast amounts of debt. I stood by, supported him. I dont want to go too far into things, but he was made bankrupt, I was certain that this would be his fresh start. With that fresh start he would become financially savvy, we would then start preparing to buy a house.

4 years ago, he was released from his bankruptcy order.
It took him about a year to get credit cards and fall delinquent on them. He has amassed ccjs, hes been shite with money and he now doesnt want to work, and is limited in what he can do because he has leg problems. I feel like hes absolutely trashed any chances of having a successful life and it's all his own doing.

I met him at 25 and he didnt have a penny, and at 35 he doesnt either. He has earned very well the past 4 years.

I'm at the point where I'm desperate to buy a house. It's been my goal for my entire adulthood. I feel like I'm just realising hes never going to get serious and if I stay in this relationship itll never happen.
I'm considering leaving and downgrading my plans to buy a 2 bedroom flat, because that will fit in with what I can personally afford.

I guess theres an element of feeling pissed off because it's not like we havent had discussions about getting out of the rental market, but he doesn't care anymore. He just doesnt give a shit. I want stability. I dont want to spend retirement privately renting.
I've been saving money for a very long time, he invests money in crypto currency (and loses it) but has no interest in how to get himself mortgage ready. If there was a plan to get himself to a point where he could buy in the future, I'd be so happy, half the deposit ready, but he has no interest.

Maybe I just need a bit of a moan. Maybe I'm an utter cow.

@Inpersuitofhappiness

Sorry I should've explained that better. He makes double the amount I do, but this year, as unprecedented as it is, we both got large tax rebates, his hours have stayed the same, whilst mine have dropped, and he had a small inheritance from when a family member died a few months back.

Divorce him now then.

He earns more than you and you have a child. He should get nothing from you.

The sooner the better. Good luck

Why are you still married?! The first time I'd paid the bailiffs to bail him out would have been when I'd divorced him!!

Get out, this man will drain you. I left mine and now he is trying to take the only thing I have - my pension. I am planning my own financial future and am finally in control - it feels good

Take a while to sit down and make a list of every debt you've paid for him, every piece of furniture you've lost, every bill you pay. In a divorce settlement it would be very useful.

And if you can do a similar list for him, so much the better.

If you did get a divorce, you should claim it on the basis of unreasonable behaviour in regard to finances. That may make a difference, if you're saying that the very fact you've had to lose, or pay for, so much is the reason the marriage has broken down, the finances should be looked at very closely in the settlement.

You have to declare all accounts on divorce. You cant squirrel it away/blow it, its intentional deprivation of assets.

But given your situation you'd get to keep it anyway.

You sound level headed. I think you know that this man will always cause you headaches and never give you the chance to have the equal and settled relationship you want. You have given him more than long enough. It is time to part company. You will meet someone else.

Bit of a side issue but wtf does he do with his money?

@Feedingthebirds1

Take a while to sit down and make a list of every debt you've paid for him, every piece of furniture you've lost, every bill you pay. In a divorce settlement it would be very useful.

And if you can do a similar list for him, so much the better.

If you did get a divorce, you should claim it on the basis of unreasonable behaviour in regard to finances. That may make a difference, if you're saying that the very fact you've had to lose, or pay for, so much is the reason the marriage has broken down, the finances should be looked at very closely in the settlement.

I've actually just spent five minutes, and off the top of my head, with just the big things. Hes cost me over 51k. I'm literally just counting the times where I've paid bailiffs, put money into things to keep him going, the money hes taken in the past and never given back. There would be thousands more I've disregarded things and situations and just gone on with it. What an absolute mug I am.

Looking at times hes ever done things for me, he lent me £800 once, and went on and on about how it was taking so long to pay him back (I paid him back 3 weeks later, he knew it would take 3-5 weeks- and oddly I'm realising now that he was living in my home, eating out of my cupboards without giving a penny towards any of it)
I didnt have an engagement ring, I paid most of our wedding costs and he bought me a silver wedding ring, so no expense lost there.
Hes never paid for a holiday.
He did buy our bed frame from ikea for £250ish, and did purchase our tv for £600 2 years ago.

He spends money on clothes, he has gambled substantially, he now "trades" and always loses every penny. Hes got squandering money down to a fine art. Hes sneaky with money, and I think that's when I really started to wise up to him not ever changing.
He doesnt think about anything other than whatever his want is at the time.

He did buy our bed frame from ikea for £250ish, and did purchase our tv for £600 2 years ago.

You can bet he's so entitled he'll bring those up and conveniently disregard the £51k he's had off you!

I don't even know you and I'm excited for you to be free of this absolute waster!!

I would absolutely leave, for your daughter's sake and your own.

You met him when you were very young (and he was still quite young). Sounds like you were more mature than him then and you are massively more mature than him now. You're only 30 now (if I've read this correctly) and you can have a whole new and better life ahead of you without this man.

It's not just the money in itself, it's the selfishness and sneakiness. He is not on your side, he is not your friend, he is not honest with you. That's not husband material.

Write that list down, get proof of it if you can from bank statements and see a solicitor. You're young still, don't waste any more years on this asshole. He will never change and that's his problem, not yours.

Walk, nay run, as fast as you can. He won't change, he doesn't want to change and he will still be dragging you down in 10/20/30 years time if you don't get out now. Good luck OP, I hope you get the break you deserve

YANBU. Your life goals and security are important. Why sacrifice it all and settle for the inferior aspirations of someone else? How could that possible make you happy long term?

Also, he sounds like a freeloading drain on you so don’t think for a second that you are in any way being harsh!!!