To consider leaving because of this.

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

I feel awful posting this. I feel awful feeling this.
I met my now husband 10 years ago, he was very much of the mindset he didnt want to rent a house, because it was dead money. Infact he didnt want to move in with me because I was renting a house. At 20, having been chucked out of my home at 16, I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.
So anyway, it quickly became apparent that he had got himself into vast amounts of debt. I stood by, supported him. I dont want to go too far into things, but he was made bankrupt, I was certain that this would be his fresh start. With that fresh start he would become financially savvy, we would then start preparing to buy a house.

4 years ago, he was released from his bankruptcy order.
It took him about a year to get credit cards and fall delinquent on them. He has amassed ccjs, hes been shite with money and he now doesnt want to work, and is limited in what he can do because he has leg problems. I feel like hes absolutely trashed any chances of having a successful life and it's all his own doing.

I met him at 25 and he didnt have a penny, and at 35 he doesnt either. He has earned very well the past 4 years.

I'm at the point where I'm desperate to buy a house. It's been my goal for my entire adulthood. I feel like I'm just realising hes never going to get serious and if I stay in this relationship itll never happen.
I'm considering leaving and downgrading my plans to buy a 2 bedroom flat, because that will fit in with what I can personally afford.

I guess theres an element of feeling pissed off because it's not like we havent had discussions about getting out of the rental market, but he doesn't care anymore. He just doesnt give a shit. I want stability. I dont want to spend retirement privately renting.
I've been saving money for a very long time, he invests money in crypto currency (and loses it) but has no interest in how to get himself mortgage ready. If there was a plan to get himself to a point where he could buy in the future, I'd be so happy, half the deposit ready, but he has no interest.

Maybe I just need a bit of a moan. Maybe I'm an utter cow.

Oh OP. Leave. Leave and build up a secure life for you and your daughter which you are clearly capable of doing and he very much isn’t. I’m so sorry.

I had one like him.
I left because I knew he'd pull me down with him.

Do it op and do it as soon as you can. New year new life.

Can you put your savings into an account account in your daughters name? As the date of the the divorce wouldn’t be for a while yet and you could say it’s for her life and future. Not sure how that works legally but surely if they ran checks all your savings etc wouldn’t exist. It’s really not fair him getting half when he’s not contributed to them at all and that’s for your and your daughters future. He sounds like a financial drain, leave xx

I was with someone for a long, long time who was shockingly bad with money, had big debts etc. We split up at my instigation and it’s been the best thing ever. We have remained friends but I am now upgrading my house and making improvements that I’d never have done before. The resentment felt because of the other person’s lack of money management has gone and my life is much better for it.

Definitely separate. Youd be daft to stay!
Make sure you delete your internet history so he doesn't find out what you've said on here.
I'd get financial/legal advice.
Be very careful he diesnt put any loans/credit cards etc in your name.

Fundamentally your goals aren’t aligned
not aligned? the problem is more that he has no goals!

Jesus Christ run.

Otherwise you’ll find yourself doing this in 20 years time and it will be too late to get yourself sorted. Someone who has financial affairs like that repeatedly is not even a candidate for a date let alone a long term future

How long have you been married?

Can you show that you’ve had separate finances?

Hopefully you’ve not been married too long. Shortish marriage, no joint children but you with a child and clear proof the savings all came from you should hopefully see you come out with the vast bulk, if not all, in divorce

The sooner the better. The more you are together the more claim he has

@lyralalala

How long have you been married?

Can you show that you’ve had separate finances?

Hopefully you’ve not been married too long. Shortish marriage, no joint children but you with a child and clear proof the savings all came from you should hopefully see you come out with the vast bulk, if not all, in divorce

The sooner the better. The more you are together the more claim he has

Weve been married for 6 years, but I could also prove that generally, I've paid more into the household, rent generally comes from my bank account, Bill's are on DD from my account, holidays, insurances from my account. The family car, financed by me, phone bills are all in my name and paid out of my account, whilst he has access to easily double the amount of money I do. Throughout or relationship I've always had some savings, but they usually get drained away when a bailiff turns up (furniture is mine, but he lives here so they assume everything is split 50/50 so I have no choice but to pay them. I've no interests other than what concerns the family, so generally that's where my money goes or gets tucked away for the next monumental fuck up on his part. This year I've managed to grow a substantial amount of savings. Also worth noting, he has had a lot more money at the same time and has nothing to show for it, he put £3000 into failed investments and squandered the rest. It makes me sick to think of how much he just let fall through his fingers.

I hope that would make some difference when it comes to separation. One of us has a smaller amount but pays for the vast majority of everything we require, and I have squirelled money away, whereas the other has probably 4x the money, but seems to keep it close "I'm trying to save it" then it's gone. Poof. Into thin air.

Sorry I should've explained that better. He makes double the amount I do, but this year, as unprecedented as it is, we both got large tax rebates, his hours have stayed the same, whilst mine have dropped, and he had a small inheritance from when a family member died a few months back.

I’d get legal advice on where you’d stand in divorce ASAP. Take as much detailed info as you can get your hands on and pay for decent advice. You need to leave him. All else aside you simply can’t trust him because he’s a proven liar and a whopping liability.

Think about it. Every penny you’ve put towards supporting him is a penny you’ve taken away from your child. You sound like you’ve done amazingly after a really tough start and what you earn and save can be only yours and your child’s from the day you ditch his irresponsible feckless arse. Obviously buy on your own but not until you’re divorced so he has no claim to it.

Now is the time to make a bright stable future which doesn’t have him in it dragging you down. It’ll be wonderful.

Divorce him, and move on. You are unhappy now, that won't change, because he won't change. Why should he? You're keeping everything afloat with very little effort on his part.

You do have to declare all your savings and assets on divorce. I don’t think you will be able to hide these multiple savings accounts you have.

I don't think that he will change in the future

Apply for divorce under unreasonable behaviour

Buy once divorced

You want stability for your future

Right so practicalities. Is it better he leaves or you leave? If you asked him to leave would he? Has he got family friends he could go to or would he need to present himself as homeless to the council?

Get legal and financial advice before you mention anything about separation and divorce.

Protect yourself

Why on earth do you think you should stay?

Maybe this is the right time to use the cash you’ve saved. Ensure all the bills in present house are in his name. Look round for a new property to rent over the next month or two. You can get yourself set up and then leave. You might need to purchase items like washing machines or bed or sofa

I met my ex 16 years ago. He came with £15k of debt. He earnt well and although I managed the household money he would spend it like water. Expensive sunglasses. Clothes. Shoes etc. Nights out. Stag dos. He couldn't say no.

I cut back and juggled it so that we got by. We split 3 years ago. Left me with £25k debt still earns well. But didn't support the kids and was always broke.

He hasn't changed. Drinking and being the big man. He needs to feel superior to everyone and this is how he does it.

Write to the landlord and say you’ve moved out and he’s responsible

Get some legal advice and do not mention divorce to him yet. Find out what exactly you would have to put on form E (ie time frame for account and savings statements) and ... work to that ;)

I had to provide 12 months of bank statements and all savings accounts etc on divorce.

So if he doesn’t want to rent and he can’t afford to buy where is he living?

OP please leave. You and your dd will have a much brighter future. He is just dragging you down.