To consider leaving because of this.

[Inpersuitofhappiness]

I feel awful posting this. I feel awful feeling this.
I met my now husband 10 years ago, he was very much of the mindset he didnt want to rent a house, because it was dead money. Infact he didnt want to move in with me because I was renting a house. At 20, having been chucked out of my home at 16, I didnt have much of a choice in the matter.
So anyway, it quickly became apparent that he had got himself into vast amounts of debt. I stood by, supported him. I dont want to go too far into things, but he was made bankrupt, I was certain that this would be his fresh start. With that fresh start he would become financially savvy, we would then start preparing to buy a house.

4 years ago, he was released from his bankruptcy order.
It took him about a year to get credit cards and fall delinquent on them. He has amassed ccjs, hes been shite with money and he now doesnt want to work, and is limited in what he can do because he has leg problems. I feel like hes absolutely trashed any chances of having a successful life and it's all his own doing.

I met him at 25 and he didnt have a penny, and at 35 he doesnt either. He has earned very well the past 4 years.

I'm at the point where I'm desperate to buy a house. It's been my goal for my entire adulthood. I feel like I'm just realising hes never going to get serious and if I stay in this relationship itll never happen.
I'm considering leaving and downgrading my plans to buy a 2 bedroom flat, because that will fit in with what I can personally afford.

I guess theres an element of feeling pissed off because it's not like we havent had discussions about getting out of the rental market, but he doesn't care anymore. He just doesnt give a shit. I want stability. I dont want to spend retirement privately renting.
I've been saving money for a very long time, he invests money in crypto currency (and loses it) but has no interest in how to get himself mortgage ready. If there was a plan to get himself to a point where he could buy in the future, I'd be so happy, half the deposit ready, but he has no interest.

Maybe I just need a bit of a moan. Maybe I'm an utter cow.

Get out now

I suppose the question is do you want to waste another year making it 11?

I suppose not, leave.

You need legal advice and a way to ring fence that money. I would then have him out and divorce him as soon as possible. Men like that just get worse as they get older. Staying with him you face an uncertain and miserable future.

I was the same. I craved stability and built it for my DC and I on my own. Soon you'll have a lovely stable home for you and your DD

Time to leave and find someone with similar ambitions and life goals as you

Kick the fucker out and stay in your current place if the rent is lower than the usual

You are right to want to leave him. He will drag you into his financial mess and make the rest of your life unstable.

Run for the bills, the only thing you are saddled with is a loser husband.

I think you need to find out legally where you stand with a flat being in your name but married to this absolute loser, divorce asap.

You certainly aren't a cow - but you are very different people and want very different things. Some people always struggle with money, I do think one of the things that's necessary for a LT relationship with someone is if you are on the same page about money.

You have given him a long time to change, he's had events that could have been a catalyst for change - but he hasn't taken them. I'd leave because it's not going anywhere.

It sounds like you have been supporting your DH

There is nothing wrong with putting your child & yourself first for a change
But you have to make the decisions & changes for this to happen

Morally, I personally believe it is grounds for divorce.

Your basic safety is paramount. Part of our safety is being confident of having a roof over our heads. Stability. You can’t trust this man with your basic safety if you have bailiffs showing up at your door to take furniture because of him.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You’ve had a hard enough life already. I’d get a plan together and get out. I would not feel badly about it. You have to take care of yourself and your child.

Divorce him. Get a clean break order and buy yourself a place

He won’t change - this is him

Sounds like you're talking about my ex.

Best thing I did was leave him.

I was about to write Do Not Marry this man - then I realised you have - oh shit (sorry). My ex was a bit like this - in my case at least (and not just for his attitude to money), I divorced him. I immediately felt better and safer financially. He won’t change. If I was you I would seriously consider your future with him.

With him being your husband, it will tank your credit score and impact any credit you take out - not to mention your assets could be used to clear off any debt he accumulates.

This is SO MUCH MORE than affording a house!!

Frankly, I'd be terrified oh what a life with him would be. You also have a child to consider, and her financial security should be paramount. Love matter not one jot if staying with him jeopardises her chances of a secure, stable life. Someone so reckless with money repeatedly is not going to change. Are you certain he wouldn't fall to illegal means, gambling, loan sharks etc to fund his habits and pay off debts? Do you really want to expose your child, and yourself to this?

His is not a problem that can just be cured. He has an addictive and feckless personality and you would be ruining yours and your daughter's life even more by staying with him.

Please leave him. You already have a long hard road ahead with the divorce and making sure he doesn't clean you out. But at least you don't own property. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave.

Left my first husband after similar story. Now moved on top someone who makes better choices and we have a wonderful life together. Because I felt more secure have gone on to have children, which I would never have done otherwise.

Only you can make the choice but I have never had any regrets about leaving him and moving on.

@Cocomarine

I read that a second time, hoping I’d read, “partner” not “husband”. Oh dear. Your savings for a deposit... how much of that will go to him in a divorce? Go and see and solicitor, and then push aggressively to keep as much of your hard earned money as you can. Ditch this absolute loser.

This

Also saw your update that you have bailiffs coming over, I'm guessing more than once.

No child should have to experience the fear of bailiffs coming to their door, the fear of losing everything. The fear of being in an unstable environment where any day you could lose your home or your possessions - that stuff can and will traumatise children, and they pick up on that fear and stress. This is no way to live. I would have ended it the minute bailiffs, CCJs, bankruptcy became a regular occurence.

He ain't guna change after amassing all that crap by 35 with no plan in place - stay with him if you want to support him til he dies. It'll be especially fun for you after retirement with him living off your pension.

I should add, dont underestimate the stress levels you live under due to this. My ex was similar and the minute we separated i too felt 'financially safer'. My mother says she's never seen me so happy as I am now, with a man who pays his way and makes sensible financial decisions.

OP I divorced about 8 years ago.
My exdh was shit with money where as i regularly save and have done since I was a child.
In one of the letters to my solicitor he demanded half of my savings and my solicitor basically told him he had no chance and to jog on and no judge would take savings away from a single mother and she didnt understand why he was asking. I kept it all (apart from paying for the divorce)
Good luck op, hopefully if he doesnt contest it will be over and done with soon.

He's not going to change.

Divorce him and move on.

That’s a really rationale reason to leave. You have poured emotional, practical and financial support into him. And he returns that by pissing it up the wall. Leave before he ruins your finances too.

You are entirely reasonable to leave. He has repeatedly proved he is able to ruin you all. All tyour saving accounts need emptying before you boot him to touch.
You can say you lost it investing in crypto money !
Do you plan to move out? , it will probably be easier than getting him out?
He will try & get half of your money.

I'd buy an apartment and he can live there if he pays towards the mortgage once he gets a job. You might be able to pay it off faster and then get a house for when you retire.

Apartments are usually rented- that's why they look crappy. Once you invest in good furniture and proper carpentry they're great. I just moved to a house and am annoyed that the front door open to the cold outside air now.

If you enjoy his company and love him there's a way around. There's no guarantee you'd meet someone else willing to buy a house with you anytime soon anyway.

I would also leave. He’s causing you more stress than necessary.

You sound a very strong independent woman, you know what you want and are trying to achieve that. He is blighting your efforts.