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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think I might be an awful sister

83 replies

AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 18:43

Context before I start my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents, never has it’s not just me.

But when it comes to Christmas and his birthday he can be very grabby, starts talking about it 2 months beforehand, will text me stuff like “I’d really like this” with a link. None of the stuff he wants is ever under £50 in price.

I get nothing from him. Not even a card. I don’t mind I understand with his condition that he doesn’t like giving. But it does feel like a double kick in the teeth when he wants expensive presents from me. He can’t even remember my birthday. He likes Christmas but tends to hide away in his room. He knows his own birthday of course. I always have to remind him it’s our mums, he never buys her anything either not even a card. Doesn’t do mothers or fathers day either. Celebrations that are not his own are just not on his agenda.

I am a single parent so £50 is a lot to me. I’ve tried previously buying cheaper things I thought he’d like but then I get long ranting texts telling me I’m selfish because I knew what he wanted and didn’t buy it yet I get my DD (whose 6) what she wants. He doesn’t seem to see the difference between him and her from my POV.

He’s my only sibling. I don’t give to receive and have long since giving up expecting any kind of acknowledgment of my own celebrations let alone a card but I also feel like it’s better to let him down with just a card than buy him something he’s not going to use or like because I can’t really afford what he wants.

For added context I never get my DD exactly what she wants, she understands she will get1 or 2 things on her list that I can afford then surprises. Santa chooses 1 or 2 things too and then brings a stocking of surprises. I buy throughout the year for both her birthday and Christmas. So it would appear that she gets exactly what she wants from brothers POV but that’s because she often loves the surprises rather than her specifically wanting it IYSWIM.

AIBU or am I an awful sister for stopping buying for him?

YABU - Buy him what he wants
YANBU - Stop buying

OP posts:
SquareSausage17 · 27/11/2020 18:50

Stop buying. You aren’t obliged to, and as you say he isn’t happy with the things you’re getting him anyway so you’re just stuck in a horrible lose lose. I totally understand that it’s coming from a particular POV on his part and not because he’s a horrible person, but that doesn’t mean you have to be accommodating. A thoughtful card is all you need to do.

formerbabe · 27/11/2020 18:55

How would he respond if you gave him a budget to stick to when requesting gifts?

When it comes to giving gifts to you, how would he respond if you told him what to get you? Is it that it doesn't occur to him to get you anything and thinks if you don't ask the it must mean you don't want?

Original poster
AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 18:57

@formerbabe

How would he respond if you gave him a budget to stick to when requesting gifts?

When it comes to giving gifts to you, how would he respond if you told him what to get you? Is it that it doesn't occur to him to get you anything and thinks if you don't ask the it must mean you don't want?

When I've given him a budget he always pleads with me to get what he wants thats over the budget.

If I ask for anything it's usually forgotten about by the time it comes around. I could ask the week before Christmas for a candle but it's gone from his mind within minutes if not seconds. My mum prompts him but he still forgets. I've given up expecting anything from him myself as I said.

OP posts:
Porgy · 27/11/2020 18:59

Is he over 18? If so, don't bother buying him anything.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 27/11/2020 18:59

Hmm conveniently he likes to get them but not give. He may be autistic but he needs reminding it’s not all about him. Personally l would get him a card and spend the money l would have spent on him, on myself instead. It sounds like he owes you a fair few of these

formerbabe · 27/11/2020 19:00

Well in that case then yanbu to stop buying him gifts.

Knittedfairies · 27/11/2020 19:03

Difficult. Could you give him money (whatever you can afford) for him to put towards something he really wants?

Original poster
AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 19:04

@Porgy

Is he over 18? If so, don't bother buying him anything.
Yes over 18 by quite a bit
OP posts:
WaterWisp · 27/11/2020 19:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

kowari · 27/11/2020 19:05

I'd stop buying presents for adults and just buy for the children. Or if you like giving then maybe give him money towards what he wants or split the cost with your parents.

WitchOfTheWest · 27/11/2020 19:05

My brother was just like this! Would demand I buy him dvds (back in the day when they were around £30 each....I didn't even own a player back then!) then would give a small box of chocolates back. Not even nice chocolate! His income was waaaaaay higher than mine too....he could afford to buy his own dvds!

He always used to give 2-3 months notice of what he wanted for Christmas/birthday. I started ignoring him and buying what I wanted or could afford. I had 2 kids to buy for too!

I'd just stop buying for him tbh. He's rude, grabby and ungrateful!

Whatthebloodyell · 27/11/2020 19:05

Does he work? Have any money?
I would explain to him that he needs to be buying people presents, as you can’t take if you aren’t prepared to give. Maybe he can start by giving you the money, and you can buy yourself and your mum something ‘from him’. If he isn’t receptive to this then I certainly wouldn’t be buying him any more high value gifts.

Original poster
AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 19:08

@Whatthebloodyell

Does he work? Have any money? I would explain to him that he needs to be buying people presents, as you can’t take if you aren’t prepared to give. Maybe he can start by giving you the money, and you can buy yourself and your mum something ‘from him’. If he isn’t receptive to this then I certainly wouldn’t be buying him any more high value gifts.
He has an income but doesn't work. He gets disability benefits and a small income from another source. I don't begrudge him this but he has far less going out than I do due to his living situation.
OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 27/11/2020 19:12

Plenty of autistic people manage to think about other people’s and buy presents for them (perhaps with a little help on ideas). He isn’t buying presents because he’s selfish, not because he’s autistic.

A lot of autistic people are quite literal. If you were to say to him that you’re not giving presents any more because he doesn’t give presents then I am sure he would understand, even if he doesn’t like it.

Chloemol · 27/11/2020 19:17

I would just be saying I am not buying for adults any more and leave it at that

LadyLightning · 27/11/2020 19:17

Autistic and spoiled are not the same thing. He may have a particular point of view and express himself in a particular way, but why on earth has his spectrum disorder given you all the idea you must go along with whatever he wants. Do what you can afford and want to do. Dont be blackmailed into anything different (btw, because autistic people lack a theory of mind, they are generally really bad at manipulating others, so if he can emotionally blackmail you, he isnt as high on the spectrum as all that).

mbosnz · 27/11/2020 19:18

I don't give to receive, but I also don't give if it's never reciprocated. And I give what I want to give, am able to give, and demands are ill received.

Having said that, there are no complicating factors such as autism that I've had to deal with.

NeonIcedcoffee · 27/11/2020 19:19

Does he get any support to live independently? Just a long time ago I used to support people with autism and learning disabilities. We would support them to buy gifts and understand interpersonal relationships.

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2020 19:23

You cannot allow rude expectations just because of his disability! I know autistic people (from working in support at college) who learned the correct way to behave from their family. It's down to you, to explain that you will no longer be giving presents. He is over 18 and asking for expensive presents! You have a daughter to spoil for Christmas!

Original poster
AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 19:23

@NeonIcedcoffee

Does he get any support to live independently? Just a long time ago I used to support people with autism and learning disabilities. We would support them to buy gifts and understand interpersonal relationships.
No he lives with a family member and has no need to move as it suits the fm
OP posts:
IMNOTSHOUTING · 27/11/2020 19:30

I'd probably stick to a budget that you can comfortably afford, if he hasn't requested anything within budget I'd get him a gift card from amazon or wherever he can buy what he wants so he can put it towards it. He may not understand and he may get angry but that isn't your fault.

flaviaritt · 27/11/2020 19:33

I think you need to have a chat with him. He’s autistic, yes, but I assume (from the level of discussion you describe above) that he has no issues of comprehension. Just say you can’t afford it.

Original poster
AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 19:33

Thank you everyone I like the idea of sticking to a budget and just buying him something or a gift card to that value.

OP posts:
haircutsRus · 27/11/2020 19:35

He isn't buying presents because he's selfish, not because he's autistic

^ This.

tradescantia · 27/11/2020 19:38

I'm autistic but can't relate to this. Depends on his level of understanding, but I think you do need to explain clearly that you have limited money and give him a maximum spending amount, or a gift card as pp suggested.