I think I might be an awful sister

[AmIAwfulSister]

Context before I start my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents, never has it’s not just me.

But when it comes to Christmas and his birthday he can be very grabby, starts talking about it 2 months beforehand, will text me stuff like “I’d really like this” with a link. None of the stuff he wants is ever under £50 in price.

I get nothing from him. Not even a card. I don’t mind I understand with his condition that he doesn’t like giving. But it does feel like a double kick in the teeth when he wants expensive presents from me. He can’t even remember my birthday. He likes Christmas but tends to hide away in his room. He knows his own birthday of course. I always have to remind him it’s our mums, he never buys her anything either not even a card. Doesn’t do mothers or fathers day either. Celebrations that are not his own are just not on his agenda.

I am a single parent so £50 is a lot to me. I’ve tried previously buying cheaper things I thought he’d like but then I get long ranting texts telling me I’m selfish because I knew what he wanted and didn’t buy it yet I get my DD (whose 6) what she wants. He doesn’t seem to see the difference between him and her from my POV.

He’s my only sibling. I don’t give to receive and have long since giving up expecting any kind of acknowledgment of my own celebrations let alone a card but I also feel like it’s better to let him down with just a card than buy him something he’s not going to use or like because I can’t really afford what he wants.

For added context I never get my DD exactly what she wants, she understands she will get1 or 2 things on her list that I can afford then surprises. Santa chooses 1 or 2 things too and then brings a stocking of surprises. I buy throughout the year for both her birthday and Christmas. So it would appear that she gets exactly what she wants from brothers POV but that’s because she often loves the surprises rather than her specifically wanting it IYSWIM.

AIBU or am I an awful sister for stopping buying for him?

YABU - Buy him what he wants
YANBU - Stop buying

@picklemewalnuts

Good for you! Keep reminding him, too. Not because you are grabby but because he needs a better grasp for social behaviour. He can't get by like this for ever, he needs to make an effort and your parents are not helping by indulging him in this way.

Seriously, it's not your responsibility, but actually he needs you to do this. He's been allowed to behave like a selfish nasty person. Unless he is a selfish nasty person, then that's a real shame! He hasn't been sufficiently helped to grasp the social norm of the situation.

It's like taking all your clothes off in public. You just don't.

He's not a selfish person, he genuinely loves Christmas and Birthdays I just think he struggles with seeing it from others perspective and probably thought we all weren't bothered.

Well he'll genuinely love seeing your daughter enjoying his present! Might be worth prompting her ahead of time, to show her enjoyment!

@picklemewalnuts

Well he'll genuinely love seeing your daughter enjoying his present! Might be worth prompting her ahead of time, to show her enjoyment!

Thankfully she's very good and has been taught to say thank you even if she hates something. She always thanks the GP for seeing her when we go even if they hurt her in some way

@AmIAwfulSister

Sort of update:

I told my brother I was happy to spend up to £25 on him but I expect a present in return as thats how it works. I told him I like candles from x shop in town (10 minutes walk from his house) and they did click and collect so he doesn't have to go into the shop. I said any scent. I also said my DD likes a specific doll from Argos. Total price for the two presents £20, so less than I've spent but acceptable. I've said he does not have to wrap them if he finds that difficult.

He says he'll try and remember. And has asked if I can maybe pair up with our cousin and get him something he really wants so I will chat to cousin and see what he says.

My parents aren't happy with me though and have told me to just "leave him be" as it's the "way he is"

You did the right thing imo. If he finds a gf he will need to be in a routine of buying gifts sometimes.

What a sweetie!

When my children were starting secondary school, we gave them money in the run up to Christmas so they could buy Christmas presents for each other and their aunts/uncles/grandparents. Not a huge amount- they clubbed together to make it go further. As they got older and started to have money they'd saved themselves they took it on alone. It's a matter of pride that they can contribute. It's part of being grown up.

@AmIAwfulSister

Sort of update:

I told my brother I was happy to spend up to £25 on him but I expect a present in return as thats how it works. I told him I like candles from x shop in town (10 minutes walk from his house) and they did click and collect so he doesn't have to go into the shop. I said any scent. I also said my DD likes a specific doll from Argos. Total price for the two presents £20, so less than I've spent but acceptable. I've said he does not have to wrap them if he finds that difficult.

He says he'll try and remember. And has asked if I can maybe pair up with our cousin and get him something he really wants so I will chat to cousin and see what he says.

My parents aren't happy with me though and have told me to just "leave him be" as it's the "way he is"

Erm, I would blame your parents for his shitty attitude tbh based on this post.

My brother is autistic. He’s also one of the most kind, generous people - too generous really.

Sounds like you’ve come to a fair agreement with your brother, long May it continue!

So he's taken me literally and not wrapped the presents.

He got me a candle, and a random item off my private wish list that i use just for price checking - thinking like a laptop charger or something. I laughed out loud when I saw it.

He has at least got a doll for my DD!

Success then! Glad it turned out well