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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I think I might be an awful sister

83 replies

AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 18:43

Context before I start my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents, never has it’s not just me.

But when it comes to Christmas and his birthday he can be very grabby, starts talking about it 2 months beforehand, will text me stuff like “I’d really like this” with a link. None of the stuff he wants is ever under £50 in price.

I get nothing from him. Not even a card. I don’t mind I understand with his condition that he doesn’t like giving. But it does feel like a double kick in the teeth when he wants expensive presents from me. He can’t even remember my birthday. He likes Christmas but tends to hide away in his room. He knows his own birthday of course. I always have to remind him it’s our mums, he never buys her anything either not even a card. Doesn’t do mothers or fathers day either. Celebrations that are not his own are just not on his agenda.

I am a single parent so £50 is a lot to me. I’ve tried previously buying cheaper things I thought he’d like but then I get long ranting texts telling me I’m selfish because I knew what he wanted and didn’t buy it yet I get my DD (whose 6) what she wants. He doesn’t seem to see the difference between him and her from my POV.

He’s my only sibling. I don’t give to receive and have long since giving up expecting any kind of acknowledgment of my own celebrations let alone a card but I also feel like it’s better to let him down with just a card than buy him something he’s not going to use or like because I can’t really afford what he wants.

For added context I never get my DD exactly what she wants, she understands she will get1 or 2 things on her list that I can afford then surprises. Santa chooses 1 or 2 things too and then brings a stocking of surprises. I buy throughout the year for both her birthday and Christmas. So it would appear that she gets exactly what she wants from brothers POV but that’s because she often loves the surprises rather than her specifically wanting it IYSWIM.

AIBU or am I an awful sister for stopping buying for him?

YABU - Buy him what he wants
YANBU - Stop buying

OP posts:

Lilymossflower · 27/11/2020 19:38

Ad an autistic person, I second what another autistic poster said on this post

his behaviors in this context are selfish, not autistic, and the autism is being used an excuse. No no YANBU to stop buying him presents

EffYouSeeKaye · 27/11/2020 19:44

Stop buying him things from his list and explain why. Enabling his selfish ways is not helping him.

PaperTowels · 27/11/2020 19:44

Is there a way you could suggest that the family stops giving adult members Xmas presents?

ivykaty44 · 27/11/2020 19:48

Give him £20 for Christmas and tell him to buy himself what he wants. Tell him if he doesn't like the £20 you simply will not give him any money next time in a matter of fact way.

Ohtherewearethen · 27/11/2020 19:48

Without knowing him or his situation it is hard to tell but it sounds like this isn't just an autism issue. Things like this are 'life skills' so to speak - understanding how to behave within relationships and learning to understand that the world doesn't start and end with him. It sounds as though he definitely has the capacity to learn this, even if he lacks the desire to. I think you (and other family members involved in his care/support) need to start working on this asap. It may take a long time as it sounds like he only wants to celebrate himself and nobody else, but the sooner it starts the sooner it will hopefully have some effect. Things like your mum's birthday/mother's Day or whatever should be non-negotiable and he needs to learn that he doesn't get to demand expensive gifts and not even acknowledge anybody else. I can only imagine Christmas morning, with a huge stack of presents for him and nobody else having anything much to open. That's not right and it sounds like it's gone on for long enough. Tell him you'll spend on him what he is prepared to spend on you and if that's nothing then so be it. Don't let him forget either. It will be laborious and it seems all kinds of wrong but I think it's something he needs to understand.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2020 19:48

If he is able to scour the internet for what he wants, send very specific emails and ranty texts about it then he is not unable to get a card or gift.

You might argue that birthdays are easy to forget, I am NT and am a bugger for this, but he simply cannot argue that he forgot when Xmas was.

I would be up front and say "As you never get me a gift, I have decided to stop buying for you from this year. If you want to change that and exchange gifts between us then let me know and I will give you some ideas of what I would like" and make sure your choices are in the same budget bracket as his are.

Original poster

AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 19:55

@PyongyangKipperbang

If he is able to scour the internet for what he wants, send very specific emails and ranty texts about it then he is not unable to get a card or gift.

You might argue that birthdays are easy to forget, I am NT and am a bugger for this, but he simply cannot argue that he forgot when Xmas was.

I’m not even bothered if they’re the same bracket wise, I’d be happy with a tub of celebrations and a pair of socks if that’s what he chose for me.

I think I’ll go with suggestions within my budget and he if he won’t choose anything a gift card for that amount.

OP posts:

Nomorepies · 27/11/2020 19:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

PumpkinCheater · 27/11/2020 19:57

The idea that Christmas and birthday gifts are exchanged (not just given), and are normally of similar value, is perfectly logical and simple and fair.

There doesn't seem to be any reason why an autistic person with his level of functioning wouldn't be able to understand a logical, simple fair idea.

Echoing others that his autism is not the problem here, it's just that he's spoilt and nobody has pulled him up on it.

nowishtofly · 27/11/2020 20:00

When he's in grabby demanding mode in the run up to Christmas, act vague.

Pick something boring but suitable for him, pair of socks, tub of celebrations. Buy it. Give it to him. Await complaint, say, 'but you didn't get me anything...how rude, I've been struggling to budget for presents this year'. Rinse and repeat, every year. This isn't a burden you should carry. YANBU

GabsAlot · 27/11/2020 20:10

youre whole fmaily is enabling this behaviour and using autim as an excuse noones taught him anything about social skills or kindness

pinkdragons · 27/11/2020 20:11

How do you think it would go down if you were to explain that now he is an adult, you're not going to be getting a big gift for him.
I'd do it before Christmas so there's no surprise/ upset on Christmas day.
I have stopped buying for a now adult relative, and explained that this year i'm watching the pennies so will just be doing token pressies, little something to unwrap but not a proper present.
I've got her a hand cream, small bottle of prosecco and will add a chocolate santa.

DottyWott · 27/11/2020 20:12

The many autistic people I have personal knowledge of would be mortified if it was pointed out to them they had made social faux pas ie not buying a gift. The social etiquette may not come naturally to them but they can learn it and are usually anxious about not getting things ‘right’.

I have learned being polite yet blunt is preferable , eg “DB you have to buy presents for other people if you expect them to buy presents for you. It’s how it works. If you want me to buy you something then you have to get something for me. If you expect a present from mum, you should buy her a present too.”

Throughtheforest2 · 27/11/2020 20:22

I feel for you. I don’t know what to suggest without more context, what does your Mum do? Does he buy for her?
My brother is autistic and don’t have this issue but others.
There is no way of reasoning so I tend to avoid things that we butt heads about, when I can, so we can get on.
Those that are saying this isn’t like the autism they know - autism varies so much and selfishness, and only seeing how things affect them without empathising with others can definitely be part of it.
Like comparing himself to your daughter, that’s obviously not right, but that’s how it works in his world. How old is your daughter? Does she buy you presents, as only 6 so wouldn’t expect her to, but if she doesn’t do you think he might take that into account?

Namenic · 27/11/2020 20:22

Why not give him money to contribute to one of the things he wants?

opinionatedfreak · 27/11/2020 20:24

@AmIAwfulSister FGS don't teach him that he can ask for (and get) expensive stuff and only give cheap stuff in return (I'm assuming from what you said he can afford presents of an equivalent value to the ones he will receive from you).

I don't understand how this situation has arisen but for his benefit you have to stop it. His autism is not the reason he isn't buying gifts.

I have an autistic friend. He never used to buy a round when we went to the pub but would always order a drink. It eventually transpired that he just hadn't understood the social etiquette and is now desperate to get it right to the point that I think he is sometimes a bit vulnerable.

My friends who parent autistic teens spend quite a lot of time ensuring that their children understand social mores. It sometimes leads to some interesting communication but at least they are trying.... "Mum says I have to message you because you are sad as your Dad died. I don't understand this but I'm sorry you are sad"

musicposy · 27/11/2020 20:25

You need to be very blunt, much more so than you would be with a neurotypical sibling. I agree that it’s not the autism that’s the problem here, it’s the way he’s been treated.

I have an autistic DH and he likes the rules of social expectations laid out really clearly so he knows where he stands. He doesn’t always know the rules until they’ve been explained because he doesn’t pick up cues or hints. Once they are explained he’s fine with them. When we were first together some of the ways I talk to him felt really blunt and rude but he doesn’t see it that way. He needs things very clear, no reading between the lines needed.

So I would think of how much you can afford, say £20. When DBro says “I really want this costing £50” say outright, “No, that’s too much money. Choose something costing £20 and I will get it for you. You need to buy me in return. That makes it fair.”

Don’t make him have to think of a gift for you. This will be difficult for him as it requires a theory of mind he won’t have. This is also possibly part of the reason why you’re not getting anything. Spell out exactly what you want. To another person it might seem rude, to him it will take a lot of the stress out of it.

Make it very clear what you will and won’t do and make it very clear he must buy you an equivalent present in return to receive the gift. He’s been spoilt and babied for too long and autism is no excuse. Autistic people can understand social rules once explained, but if no one has ever actually spelt them out for him you can’t expect him to have just “picked up” on them. Now’s the time to start!

kowari · 27/11/2020 20:26

Context before I start my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents, never has it’s not just me.
I don't think it's an autistic thing. The autistic people I know don't like getting presents either, would rather skip the whole exchange.

Doggybiccys · 27/11/2020 20:32

YANBU. I’ve got a BIL line this. Got more money then the rest of us clubbed together, eats and drinks us out of house and home yet always turns up empty handed - rest of family say “ah well, he’s not quite right”. A cheap bottle of plonk at Christmas whilst wanting us to book holidays to Las Vegas etc as he “can’t cope” with it all. Does my head in. If he were my DB I’d be saying something.

FlyingPandas · 27/11/2020 20:34

@DottyWott

What @DottyWott said.

As a parent to a teen with high-functioning autism I would agree that there is definitely an element of needing to simply spell out what has to happen in the context of social relationships. DS has had to learn, for example, to say thank you when given something. He simply didn't absorb this information naturally but was capable of understanding that a thank you had to happen.

The key challenge for people on the spectrum is that there is, quite often, no instinctive understanding of what they 'should' do - but they are, in many cases, able to learn what a process or ritual should be, even if it does not come naturally.

Original poster

AmIAwfulSister · 27/11/2020 20:35

He doesn’t buy my mum a present either and she doesn’t expect them anymore. She will spend the equivalent on me and my brother.

My DD is 6, she buys me a present with ExH but I don’t get it on the day as she goes to ExHs from half way through Christmas Day until after Boxing Day and so we have a bit of a present opening session when she comes back (I save a couple of hers and it’s our tradition now).

OP posts:

Excited101 · 27/11/2020 20:35

That’s not autism, that’s pure selfishness. He’s been allowed to think that that is acceptable.

stovetopespresso · 27/11/2020 20:42

maybe just ask what he would like in the region of your budget, say why, and ask him to buy you something specific?

opinionatedfreak · 27/11/2020 20:42

@Doggybiccys has anybody said to your BIL that he is expected to bring something?

As others have said - if he is autistic you may need to blunt to the point that you are concerned about being rude.

Same friend I mentioned above - this was an issue eventually my friend and I mentioned it to him. He has never turned up empty handed again and still gets invited (he was on the verge of not being included because of it).

stovetopespresso · 27/11/2020 20:43

forgot to say you're not an awful sister to feel like this

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