I think I might be an awful sister

[AmIAwfulSister]

Context before I start my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents, never has it’s not just me.

But when it comes to Christmas and his birthday he can be very grabby, starts talking about it 2 months beforehand, will text me stuff like “I’d really like this” with a link. None of the stuff he wants is ever under £50 in price.

I get nothing from him. Not even a card. I don’t mind I understand with his condition that he doesn’t like giving. But it does feel like a double kick in the teeth when he wants expensive presents from me. He can’t even remember my birthday. He likes Christmas but tends to hide away in his room. He knows his own birthday of course. I always have to remind him it’s our mums, he never buys her anything either not even a card. Doesn’t do mothers or fathers day either. Celebrations that are not his own are just not on his agenda.

I am a single parent so £50 is a lot to me. I’ve tried previously buying cheaper things I thought he’d like but then I get long ranting texts telling me I’m selfish because I knew what he wanted and didn’t buy it yet I get my DD (whose 6) what she wants. He doesn’t seem to see the difference between him and her from my POV.

He’s my only sibling. I don’t give to receive and have long since giving up expecting any kind of acknowledgment of my own celebrations let alone a card but I also feel like it’s better to let him down with just a card than buy him something he’s not going to use or like because I can’t really afford what he wants.

For added context I never get my DD exactly what she wants, she understands she will get1 or 2 things on her list that I can afford then surprises. Santa chooses 1 or 2 things too and then brings a stocking of surprises. I buy throughout the year for both her birthday and Christmas. So it would appear that she gets exactly what she wants from brothers POV but that’s because she often loves the surprises rather than her specifically wanting it IYSWIM.

AIBU or am I an awful sister for stopping buying for him?

YABU - Buy him what he wants
YANBU - Stop buying

The one autistic person I know has the opposite problem - he is obsessed by giving gifts and will plan Christmas from Boxing Day / Birthdays get stressful etc. He’s totally not interested in his own gifts which means he often gets taken for a ride by wanky family members who ask but then never give in return.

The one thing that works is a secret santa with a strict £10 pound limit for adults and people only get gifts if they give them. We post the rules in advance and regular reminders. For birthdays you only receive a gift from someome if you gave one to them the previous year - it’s all written down.

Would something like that work? Obvs your DB’s selfishness rather than autism is the cause of his disregard for giftgiving but if his receiving a gift was tied to his giving one and it was laid out in black and white I bet he’d remember.

Stop doing it.

My dd has Autism too and can be very grabby around Christmas time.......she doesn't get pandered to just because she has Autism.

She gets what I can afford. It will always be something she likes but never everything she wants. And that's fine.

Whoops! I'm the numpty that pressed YABU sorry.
I didn't mean too.
Don't buy him anything else and tell him if he wants gifts he needs to buy for everyone else too if he doesn't want to be deemed selfish.

If he's capable of sending you links, I believe he's capable of understanding that (whether or not he likes it) it's not acceptable to ask for an expensive gift and then complain if he doesn't get it. Does he genuinely not understand that you will spend more on your young child than on an adult brother?

He has unreasonable expectations, and I'd probably have stopped buying him gifts after the first time he complained and compared himself to your daughter! If you feel like it, buy him something, but keep it to a reasonable budget. And if he complains again, I'd tell him that you don't buy gifts for people who can't accept them graciously. Would he rather you'd bought him nothing, because next time you could just spend it on something for yourself.

Autism isn't a get-out-of-being-corteous card. My DD is autistic - she is the mostthogutful and loving girl you could imagine - she remembers everyone's birthday (including all pets) and buys very thoughtful gifts.

She would never dream of demanding stuff or of causing a fuss if t=seh didn't get EXACTLY what she wanted. And the same applies to every other person with autism that I have met (and there are a few - I was a speech and language therapist). People with autism aren't self-obsessed - they have difficulties with linguistic nuances and reading body language, and can become overly focussed on things.

Your DB's problem isn't that he has autism - it's that he's a spoilt brat! I think that without realising it, everyone has given him a free ride because he is autistic and he has just milked it.

Stop buying for him. It's about time he grew up.

It's unreasonable not to teach him the social norm of giving as well as accepting gifts - what if he wishes to have a relationship in future? Stuff like that will increase the odds of things going wrong there.

Yanbu to either stick cash in a card to a value that you can afford and say that if he wants a gift from you then he needs to organize one in return. If he was earning I would go as far as setting a budget for the gift.

I would make sure he knows that he's getting £20 or whatever before Xmas Day because his autism means that he might get thrown by a change in your behaviour if buying what he wants.

Autism doesn't make you not like buying presents for people. Being selfish does. I'm gonna be presumptuous though and say that he's allowed to behave poorly because he's autistic, which is why he continues to do it. It's the downfall of autisitics when people think autism is an excuse or say things like "he can't help it". Yes he can.

Tell him that you're both adults and if he wants presents off you then he needs to start returning the favour and buying you and your mum comparable gifts. If he doesn't want to buy you anything then he doesn't get anything.

@FlyingPandas
The key challenge for people on the spectrum is that there is, quite often, no instinctive understanding of what they 'should' do - but they are, in many cases, able to learn what a process or ritual should be, even if it does not come naturally.

This with bells on it. I describe it as it's like you all got a software update or a set of instructions that I didn't. You know how to do things that no one ever told you. We just need telling, we're not incapable at all and we're not selfish, greedy, mean people. Well some of are but that's because they're arseholes not because they're autistic, they'd be arsehole neurotypicals too.

I say so much to people, including DH "you just need to tell me, I didn't know that's what you wanted."

Tenner in a card - Happy Birthday Bro - here’s a little something to go towards X item that you said you really wanted. Problem solved.

You know that being autistic doesn't stop someone from also being an arsehole?

There are 2 problems here. 1 is that he is being grabby and rude, and 2 is that you would rather perceive yourself as 'awful' than say no, and stick to it. Where are your boundaries? Tell him about them, before his birthday, before he gets wound up. As soon as he says he wants 'x' that costs £50, you tell him 'I won't be able to buy you that this year.' You don't have to explain why. You don't owe him presents. Especially when he doesn't get presents for anybody else.

The reason he has gotten away with this for
So long is because he has been enabled by the family treating him as the “special” one because of his autism. Yes, a lot of things are harder for him, but he’s playing you all with this one. It’s probably best that your entire family get together (if possible) and let him know how gift giving really works from now on, and maybe set a realistic budget of ten - twenty pounds per person. Sure, if he’s capable of scouring the internet for ideas for himself, he can do so for others as well. Also, he will need reminding that his presents from family will also be in that budget.

I am autistic myself and I don’t think this is the problem here. Your brother is being very selfish and I think you’re fine to stop buying presents for him. I don’t particularly like giving or receiving presents as I find it stressful and hate surprises. But I do so because I understand the importance of this exchange for some. I would never dream of receiving without giving in return.

He's an adult. Be very clear that you will continue to exchange gifts with him, as long as you're receiving as well as giving.

Every time he sends you a link with what he wants, send one back with what you want. If he still doesn't get anything for you this year (most probable), be really clear that you will no longer be sending him gifts at xmas.

You're not a bad sister OP. You've been dealt a difficult card.

My sister isn't autistic but does have her own issues (multiple suicide attempts, very selfish, I personally think BPD).

You have to do what works for you. If you can't afford it then you have to walk through the fire with iron skin. It's hard, it hurts so much. But stick to your limitations, become as ice.

Stop giving. He doesn't have to like it.

I can’t believe you are asking this ! You are clearly far too kind a person.

Please stop indulging his grabbiness

[quote opinionatedfreak]@Doggybiccys has anybody said to your BIL that he is expected to bring something?

As others have said - if he is autistic you may need to blunt to the point that you are concerned about being rude.

Same friend I mentioned above - this was an issue eventually my friend and I mentioned it to him. He has never turned up empty handed again and still gets invited (he was on the verge of not being included because of it).[/quote]
@opinionatedfreak - yes. We tell him every time and he tells us we are lucky he brought money to buy a bottle of wine!!! Or money for his taxi home as despite him having a car, he never drives it.

OP, do you really think that you are an 'awful sister'?

I think it's interesting that you said 'my brother is autistic so doesn’t like giving presents'. As has been pointed out, because someone is autistic, this does not automatically imply that they 'don't like giving presents.'

It sounds like something you were brought up to believe.
As adults now, it's well time to put a stop to this.

'When you get me a present for my birthday within your budget I will get you one within my budget.'

Just say 'I've decided to give you the same thing you always get me 🙂'. And if he asks what you mean then repeat it.

I'm sorry but in this case 'autism' isnt an excuse as he clearly understands and manipulates the social concept for his own selfish gain... this is pure CF.

I do think some boys are less prone to gift giving, my brothers dont but they also never expect anything either... I buy them suprises because I care and they are always thankful and would never be rude.

Sort of update:

I told my brother I was happy to spend up to £25 on him but I expect a present in return as thats how it works. I told him I like candles from x shop in town (10 minutes walk from his house) and they did click and collect so he doesn't have to go into the shop. I said any scent. I also said my DD likes a specific doll from Argos. Total price for the two presents £20, so less than I've spent but acceptable. I've said he does not have to wrap them if he finds that difficult.

He says he'll try and remember. And has asked if I can maybe pair up with our cousin and get him something he really wants so I will chat to cousin and see what he says.

My parents aren't happy with me though and have told me to just "leave him be" as it's the "way he is"

Oh well done you! You've given him your boundary! Even if he doesn't get you a gift, I'd feel way happier this year knowing you held that boundary. Awesome!

Good for you! Keep reminding him, too. Not because you are grabby but because he needs a better grasp for social behaviour. He can't get by like this for ever, he needs to make an effort and your parents are not helping by indulging him in this way.

Seriously, it's not your responsibility, but actually he needs you to do this. He's been allowed to behave like a selfish nasty person. Unless he is a selfish nasty person, then that's a real shame! He hasn't been sufficiently helped to grasp the social norm of the situation.

It's like taking all your clothes off in public. You just don't.