Did your poor sleeper turn out normal?

[EnidMatilda]

So stressed. My daughter is 10 months old and has always been a highly strung sleeper, particularly at night. We worked hard on routine and settling and for a while she slept well (would still have 1 night feed at about 4am/5am but I can handle that). Last week she caught at cold and she slept on me for three nights and fed all night as she was so sad and unwell. She has since recovered but it's like we are back to square 1.

Tonight she woke at 11.30pm. After TWO HOURS of hysterical screaming, I gave in and fed her. She is now asleep. What worries me is she can't seem to calm herself down. I can't even explain how angry and upset she gets. I was there with her the whole time either rubbing her back, singing to her, rocking her. Nothing would soothe her. She stopped crying for 10mins when we read a story so I knew she wasn't in pain or ill. I obvs don't want to overstimulate her but leaving her to it is also awful. She rejected dummy from young age. I've also tried giving her water from her cup but that doesn't calm her.

I feel like this behaviour is so different from other babies we know. Is two hours of screaming when obviously tired normal? Is there something wrong with her? Weirdly for naps in the day she will settle herself in the cot and drift off to sleep.

Yanbu - not normal behaviour
Yabu - normal. Don't panic.

Help and advice desperate wanted. Would love any solidarity. Sick of hearing about sleeping babies.

I’m sorry to tell you this. But my youngest didn’t sleep though the night until he was three and a half years old.

I’m sure it aged me 10 years.

He now 14 and still a terrible sleeper.

If he had been my first he’d have been an only child.

As a mother to two SEN kids and with an SEN husband, and probably have some of traits and therefore genes passed down myself, I don’t understand the why people get so angry about words that aren’t obviously or intentional offensive. I have no problem with being ab or not normal. I’ve never felt like I fitted in anyway.

The vitriol over minor, and totally unintentional errors, like this is very off putting for parents who are seeking support but aren’t yet initiated into the correct language. It is intolerant and unwelcoming.

I read the other day that 45% of babies don’t even sleep for chunks of 8 hours at 12 months, let alone 7-7. So I think it’s pretty normal.

I ended up spending ££££ on a sleep consultant
Totally worth it, especially as she was walonf the neighbours every hour

Although I didn't sleep properly til I was 5 - sorry mum!

As a mother to two SEN kids and with an SEN husband, and probably have some of traits and therefore genes passed down myself, I don’t understand the why people get so angry about words

that's fine of it is ok with you. I don't think it's acceptable to describe my child as not normal/abnormal and I will say it if I come across inappropriate language. You may not feel offended but some parents do.

It will get better OP, you will survive - DD as a baby didn't really nap and only slept on me, we were like one entity for soooo long. It was draining and exhausting and pretty shit, actually. Fast forward to today - I'm amazed at how clever, hilarious and empathic my 12 year old girl is, such good company. And tall, taller than me, and just beautiful. Granted she's naturally nocturnal and during school hols will revert to factory settings within a few days - but she sleeps solidly for at least 12 hours. It's bliss. Look to the future OP, keep your eye on the prize. This will pass and then there will be other, different difficult bits - but you'll come through. You're doing great. Try not to over think and worry.

I think your expectations are off and in sorry to say I think it's pretty cruel leaving her to scream hysterically for 2 hours.

The OP actually says: I can't even explain how angry and upset she gets. I was there with her the whole time either rubbing her back, singing to her, rocking her. Nothing would soothe her. She stopped crying for 10mins when we read a story so I knew she wasn't in pain or ill. I obvs don't want to overstimulate her but leaving her to it is also awful.

So she didn’t leave her. She was simply trying ways of comforting her 10 month old OTHER than feeding her. I’m assuming OP is breastfeeding from her choice of words. It’s really hard for your body to be another human’s only source of comfort, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, particularly at 10 months. You can’t hand over to your husband or anyone else, at any time of night, ever. Even if your child wakes every hour. That may be why OP wants to phase out feeding.

Mine was a terrible sleeper. Nothing worked, tried all the annoying baby advice books etc. Around age one I gave in and did cosleeping (double mattress on floor) with him for a couple of years. It pretty much solved the problem and we all slept better.

He did turn out normal yes.

Good luck I feel your pain wish there was a better solution. Babies can be very different from each other and mums of great sleepers will not understand.

(Oh and when he was doing the really furious crying, sometimes it helped to sing to him - I did that “momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird” song but changed the lyrics to a long list of all the stuff I was (in the song) going to buy him. Sounds daft but sometimes he would get distracted by imagining all the loot he would have, and nod off. Mostly failed tho 🤷‍♀️)

There are loads of people on here who have had “difficult sleepers” and have managed to get them to sleep through one method or another but I’m not one of them. I had pretty much 4 years of sleep deprivation when my now 9 year old arrived. I didn’t solve it. It seemed to solve itself when she went to school but completely stopped me from having another baby whilst she wouldn’t. Now I can guarantee she will sleep all night and she is a pleasant, polite, intelligent little girl.

The only thing that got me through those 4 years of interrupted sleep was through several hundred thousand articles I read trying to find a solution it said that generally babies that struggle with sleep are more intelligent. I remind her she owes me a very a comfortable retirement regularly.

@Buddytheelf85 thank you!

Yes exclusively breastfeeding. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best because when some of you are saying 'why didn't you feed her, she was obviously hungry', I get that and feel bad. But then the sleep books say no need for night feed past 9 months. My health visitor also said same. She's 70% ile for weight. When she feeds too much in the night she doesn't eat breakfast and doesn't eat well in the day. She woke at 11pm and has often slept until 4am without feeding. Plus sometimes it doesn't even work and isn't always the issue so I'm then extra frustrated that I fed her and she's still awake. I try to use feeding as last resort. SO HARD to know if I'm doing the right thing. Constantly question myself when she's sleeping badly.

@Skysblue thanks! I like the song suggestion. I end up singing incy wincy spider as that's all my mind can think of a silly o clock.

Just because something is in the questionnaire it doesn't mean they are supposed to be able to do it :)

Night feeding in older babies can be a kind of vicious cycle because sometimes they feed loads at night then arent hungry the next morning etc etc - body starts expecting to get its calories at night. This is also sometimes exacerbated by people thinking a baby should be going 3 or even 4 hours between feeds in the day, so restricting baby from taking what it wants in the day time. It also doesnt help if the baby hasnt got going well on solids.

We had this with my daughter. Once she hits about age, 1 if you want to night wean, I found the best way was to plan for 3 or 4 days of having lots of her favourite foods and letting her bf whenever she wants all day. You want to really help her fill up during the day just to shift her body clock to expecting food/calories at night. I would offer stodgy milky puddings after tea etc.

Mine are now 22 and 25 years old.
Neither slept a full night through until they were about 3 and then it was sporadic until 8 or 9 years old. Perfectly normal adults now.

To those criticising OP there are no easy answers. I remember being told to try controlled crying (probably not in fashion now) but that involved leaving them to cry for gradually longer periods. It never worked.

Both of them got worse between 5 months and a year. I also found that once they got to 9 or 10 months a comfort feed no longer did the trick.
I also remember a grim phase around 10 months when nothing worked and I just paced the floor with a screaming baby.

Yes exclusively breastfeeding. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best because when some of you are saying 'why didn't you feed her, she was obviously hungry', I get that and feel bad. But then the sleep books say no need for night feed past 9 months. My health visitor also said same. She's 70% ile for weight. When she feeds too much in the night she doesn't eat breakfast and doesn't eat well in the day. She woke at 11pm and has often slept until 4am without feeding. Plus sometimes it doesn't even work and isn't always the issue so I'm then extra frustrated that I fed her and she's still awake. I try to use feeding as last resort. SO HARD to know if I'm doing the right thing. Constantly question myself when she's sleeping badly.

Yeah, I can really relate to this! Plus you’re probably absolutely drained by 10 months of EBF - I know I was. I read somewhere that a year of breastfeeding is the same number of hours as a full time job with 3 weeks annual leave - and then there’s the burping, changing, playing, housework on top - it’s all very intense. Then coming on here and being told you’re cruel and that your post has made people angry or whatever doesn’t help.

Plus your baby is at that tricky age where you’re not sure what the balance between food and milk should be.

FWIW I can tell you what we did. I had to stop night feeding around 9 months because I was getting recurrent blocked ducts and mastitis. Some nights my son would feed 4 or 5 times, the next night only once, and my poor boobs couldn’t cope with the irregularity. So we night weaned him. It had no effect when I did it. If I was in the room he’d just cry and cry for milk. In the end what worked was sending my husband in with water. The first night my husband had to cuddle and soothe him for maybe 90 minutes, twice. The next night it was an hour and so on and then within a week he started sleeping through.

That’s what worked for us, I totally appreciate it may not work for everyone and it depends on you having a husband who can manage with a few broken nights’ sleep (is who isn’t a brain surgeon or whatever).

Also agree with @BertieBotts. I worried myself sick over those questionnaires because my son didn’t do half the things on them, but I didn’t realise they aren’t supposed to be able to do everything on them!

But also do remember:

• night weaning will usually hit your milk supply. The reason I say wait til 1 is from 1 on the volume of milk starts being less significant as a baby should start getting more of their calories from their solid meals.

My son is a very poor sleeper and has suspected ASD. I’ve joined a local support group and we’ve chatted about sleeping and I would say the vast majority of mums reported that their children with ASD actually slept well in their first but got worse with age.... not a scientific study but I think it goes to show there is no rhyme or reason behind sleeping, it’s just the luck of the draw!!!
I personally would just relent and feed rather than spend hours up. At least you can get a couple of hours afterwards.

One child slept reasonably well, only fed every four hours. Did cluster feed in the evening.

One child was awake a lot fed lots, was awake on and off in the night, wouldn't settle to sleep easily.

Guess which child was awake to two am? Not the one that was a better sleeper.

My little girl sounds like yours. She's now 16 months and sleeps through. Biggest change was somewhere around 12 months.

Her naps are crap though. I don't understand how she can self settle at night but won't nap in her cot in the day?!

@EnidMatilda I’m BF and feed at every wake up. Life is too short to do anything else, don’t make it harder for yourself. Your baby wants you, boobs included, even if it’s comfort rather than hunger/thirst

Gosh she’s 10 months. My 8 year old still doesn’t sleep through!

My dc was as you describe, and EBF. Everyone said they will sleep when I stopped.
He didn’t sleep through.
When he crawls, he didn’t sleepy through
When he walks, he didn’t sleep through
When he starts nursery, he didn’t sleep through
When he starts school. You guessed it! He still didn’t sleep through.
By magic at 6, he got of the hang of it.
Sleep when you can.