To think this is unacceptable?

[seeya2020]

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship.. until we disagree with something.
I'm fairly calm and much prefer a discussion over things. I hate confrontation and rarely get angry.
However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc. I NEVER say this to him unless I get really angry which is rare but he seems to get angry over the littlest of things.
Example is.. tonight we were discussing our sleeping routine with our son, he's 2 weeks old (before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children), he mentioned that he allows me to have a nap during the day and that he doesn't have naps.. to which I said 'yeah you do have naps' and he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology for saying he takes naps 🙄 Etc etc.
Bare in mind, the discussion on my behalf was completely calm and was just trying to work out a general routine.
I would never ever call him names such as dickhead/fuck off etc unless I was REALLY angry. Which as I've said is rare.. but he's so flippant with it. It seriously upsets me, why does he feel like it's okay to speak to me like that? Is it normal or am I just sensitive? He says I'm sensitive but to be honest i think he is with three way he reacts so angrily to the littlest of discussions?

seeya2020
Thank you for all your replies.
I'm going to give him the ultimatum today and see what how that goes.

Don't given an ultimatum you are not prepared to follow through.

This.

Think carefully about what is your ultimatum and if you are prepared to follow it through.
Be prepared for the boiling water strategy.
He may stop calling you names for a while, but then start with milder names and get worse again.

Always keep in mind that this is an issue for him to sort out, you can only accept it or not.

this when things are calm, and if he understands that it’s not ok and needs to change and is willing to put the effort in to make that change.

Sorry but do you really think there is the remotest possibility that this ADULT man has simply not realised that calling his partner a dickhead and telling her to fuck off when she says something he doesn’t like isn’t ok? Do you think he’s managed to achieve adulthood thinking this is genuinely acceptable?

Of course he knows it’s not acceptable - he just doesn’t care. He doesn’t have sufficient respect for OP to treat her with basic decency.

Does he do this at work?

@seeya2020

2020 gets better and better huh? 🥴 Any advise on how to get through this? I didn't expect this outcome when I posted this thread.

You might not leave him but you can stop making excuses for him.

He does it to you because he can. Other people wouldn't put up with it.

And why/how does he have anxiety? Behaving the way he does isn't a symptom of being anxious, it's a symptom of being a pig

@seeya2020 if your DP made you a cup of tea and said it contained 1% of shit, would you drink it? Your relationship is like that cup of tea.

It’s completely unacceptable for him to be verbally abusive to you and your children. If he can’t or won’t change his behaviour you need to leave him.

@seeya2020 Just thinking... when you say you're going to give him "the ultimatum", what ultimatum is this going to be?

Mine was, in a very calm moment after one of XH's explosions: "if you speak to the children like that one more time, I will leave you." It was more than he deserved, really, but I thought it would be unfair not to give him a real chance to do something about his anger problem.

He reined himself in for a couple of months after that ("I don't need help with this - I just need to make sure I don't get stressed or anxious, blah, blah) - meaning that when he inevitably exploded again, he was even more vile than normal. I then left him.

Only give an ultimatum if you're going to go through with it.

OP,

It's a truly awful way to speak to anyone and it's neither normal nor healthy.

It may only be occasionally but you can be sure you are wary of him and your poor children will grow up nervous and anxious around a man like that.
Your children won't understand the details, all they will know is that their father is truly awful in how he speaks to their mother.

It makes for an awful childhood.

I'm nearly 30 years married, a bit of a hot head myself, yet I could never in a million years imagine myself speaking to anyone, much less my husband like that.

I believe that to be hugely abusive.

Please protect yourself and your children from him.

Point should be made my partner does apologise after he says these things.

If he apologises but keeps on doing it hes not really sorry is it?

You've been given lots of conflicting advice. I would advise you to step back and think about the situation. Maybe not an ultimatum yet. Just watch. And think about why he is more important than you. Look at when you modify your behaviour to avoid making him angry. While you're doing this, make plans to become as financially independent as you can. That way you're in a better position to leave if you need to. And I think you will need to.

When you say you're leaving he will almost certainly cry and say he'll change. Do not be swayed by his words. Look at his actions

tell him its upseeting you so much, he needs to have some anger management treatment.

So did you say that he apologises afterwards? Or that he calls you too sensitive? Or both??

I would recommend couple counselling to address this issue if 99% of the time you get on well.

It is a shame that he needs someone else to tell him that this behaviour is not acceptable. But that's how it is sometimes .

My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing at each other

Lucky you!
I posted this . My point was that if you were brought up in this household then you would expect the same in your own relationships - my DF was an alcoholic so you can imagine there were rows/ moods/ tiptoeing round , my DH was successful professionally, smart, intelligent, but can be grumpy and is repressed emotionally - but to me he was a hero and the opposite to DF (v important to me).
We are 70s now - do we split up, end our lives on our own because MN deems him abusive - or do I work round it as he works round my less than perfect behaviour.

How are you op?

This is weird. Posts thread about absolute cunt of a partner calling her names two weeks after having a baby. Posters point out he’s a cunt. Defends cunt.

Ok apologies. Had this thread open on a tan and much has happened since I read it.