To think this is unacceptable?

[seeya2020]

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship.. until we disagree with something.
I'm fairly calm and much prefer a discussion over things. I hate confrontation and rarely get angry.
However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc. I NEVER say this to him unless I get really angry which is rare but he seems to get angry over the littlest of things.
Example is.. tonight we were discussing our sleeping routine with our son, he's 2 weeks old (before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children), he mentioned that he allows me to have a nap during the day and that he doesn't have naps.. to which I said 'yeah you do have naps' and he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology for saying he takes naps 🙄 Etc etc.
Bare in mind, the discussion on my behalf was completely calm and was just trying to work out a general routine.
I would never ever call him names such as dickhead/fuck off etc unless I was REALLY angry. Which as I've said is rare.. but he's so flippant with it. It seriously upsets me, why does he feel like it's okay to speak to me like that? Is it normal or am I just sensitive? He says I'm sensitive but to be honest i think he is with three way he reacts so angrily to the littlest of discussions?

My husband told me once to fuck off in anger. We were having a right old ding dong and he said. “Fuck you, fuck off” and I did.

I got in the car and I left. And he called crying and apologising and all the rest. He was ashamed. He crossed a line and he knew it. He was devastated. I stayed at his mums (my family are dead) and the next day I went home and we had a discussion.

He has never spoken to me like that ever again. Never. It was a one off but I was so shocked that he could speak to me like that. And he was shocked too. We worked through it. We rarely argue as it is. Maybe cross words every couple of years. We love each other. We are nice to each other. We have a laugh. Our kids are happy. We have lots of friends. We have a wonderful life. It is incomprehensible that the any partner could speak with such hatred on a regular basis. What is that all about? What will your children learn from that?

I would never ever tolerate someone speaking to me like that. Never. Where is the respect? Where is the love?

He needs to know it STOPS today forever.

If it is a one off, not happened for many many months, situation then I wouldn’t advise leaving him, but rather sitting down with him and talking through how it made you feel, and the potential effort it could have on your children. Ask him to not call you names in the future etc. If you have a good relationship he will listen and be open to discussion.

However, going forward be aware of his behaviour and whether it could be a pattern of abuse. There is a reason why women in a relationship with a man using coercive control often don’t realise it. For example, this bit from your OP saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him is either factual and you do make stuff up about him, or it is him being not at all self aware, or it is classic gaslighting behaviour.

Thank you for all your replies.
I'm going to give him the ultimatum today and see what how that goes.

op some posters on here have chimes in with sting they swear and shout or their partners do but, crucially at inanimate objects, and he’s not. Your partner is swearing AT you. To hurt and get a reaction.

Nasty.

I rarely comment but didn’t want to not input as you might find it helpful. My husband does what you describe although doesn’t swear at me he can explode, and has always had what we refer to as Basil Fawlty moments when he explodes in an angry outburst at an inanimate object or a situation.
There is an element of personality but most of it is anxiety. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for the last 7 years and recently restarted medication due to anger aspects. When on medication, even a low dose, it pretty much disappears. It is closely linked to anxiety and stress. He is hugely frustrated that he isn’t ‘better’ given how long this has gone on but is self aware enough to realise that when he is regularly reacting angrily that something is not right.

I suppose the big difference is he doesn’t swear or call me names but I can easily see how that could be different if he was used to swearing generally, which he isn’t. Ultimately this is his problem and your DP needs to own it and the impact it has, but if he can acknowledge that there might be a route through to change. It definitely isn’t something I think you or your children should be living with in the medium or long term. However if he can acknowledge it and take responsibility and action there may be a solution.
A big hug to you though!

I would be inclined to disagree with him and subtly record him. Then speak to him and when he denies it you have proof.

The first few weeks of a newborn are supposed to be lovely. All that sleepy newborn stuff! Why isn’t he being loving and kind towards you. Bringing you a cup of tea in bed, watching back to neck episodes of whatever while he cooks tea and cuts it up for you so you can feed and eat with one hand?

He should be caring for you. Not flying off the handle. I’m actually upset that he could speak to his partner who have JUST GIVEN BIRTH like that. I would be distraught.

Well that is good op
He needs to have a good long think and come to you with a solution to this such as anger management or counseling or something. Do not provide him with the way forward, it needs to come from him. Don't accept anything less from him. This environment is toxic for you and your DC, even though you think he is great.

I never understand why people post to this forum and when they get a resounding 99% LTB they don't want to! Why post for opinions then say they are all wrong?

You don't have 'a good relationship'.

You have a relationship with a man who does not respect you and is verbally abusive.

I would also worry at how he will behave towards your kids as they get older. Will he also lose his temper with them? Not a good example to set as a father...

If you don't want to leave, you need to have a serious talk with him to make it clear he has to stop with the petulant reactions and name calling and get help to help him deal with his anxiety/issues.

If he refuses to acknowledge is behaviour is not appropriate and to do something about it then you might need to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.

I don't know what it is with all the people who's reaction is immediately "leave the bastard", I do think that there must be a significant number of mumsnetters who are in very unhappy relationships themselves, and project that on to others, or they are single themselves, and probably unconsciously, are jealous of those who are generally speaking, happy in their relationships.

Not in my case, it's the opposite. I've been with my husband for over 25 years and he has never once called me names, and I could count on one hand the number of times he has shouted at me at all. He can be a bit grumpy, just general muttering and sighing, and I tell him to have a word with himself and we have a laugh and he apologises. He doesn't jump down my throat and start telling me I'm irrational etc. My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing or calling each other names. I know what happy relationships look like. They're not perfectly but they don't involve name calling or walking on eggshells.

at people who call names/swear about someone who calls names/swears

Going by MN standards a lot of people on here have massive anger issues and need to find a better way to express themselves - yet give advice to others having same problem from partner - oh the irony

OP, I was the DH equivalent. I did an anger management 3 day course that was very good. It was full of men who had been sent there by the courts as part of access to their children, men whose partners had left them. These men were amazed and changed by the revelation that they had feelings, were vulnerable, had needs, and were responsible for their actions. I imagine some of them left the course proudly changed.

I left my relationship 6 months later not because of my anger but because I finally accepted why I was so angry - which was that my relationship was profoundly unfulfilling and had not been meeting any of my basic needs for decades. I had been diverting my terrible unhappiness into chronic anger rather than looking at reality which was my DP was not the man for me. In the four years since I left, my DP and I have a wonderful relationship living apart and I have not been or felt angry towards him since -or indeed to anyone. Good luck.

I am astounded by the behaviour some women think they should be expected to tolerate from their partners

My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing at each other

Lucky you!

@HMSSophie

OP, I was the DH equivalent. I did an anger management 3 day course that was very good. It was full of men who had been sent there by the courts as part of access to their children, men whose partners had left them. These men were amazed and changed by the revelation that they had feelings, were vulnerable, had needs, and were responsible for their actions. I imagine some of them left the course proudly changed.

I left my relationship 6 months later not because of my anger but because I finally accepted why I was so angry - which was that my relationship was profoundly unfulfilling and had not been meeting any of my basic needs for decades. I had been diverting my terrible unhappiness into chronic anger rather than looking at reality which was my DP was not the man for me. In the four years since I left, my DP and I have a wonderful relationship living apart and I have not been or felt angry towards him since -or indeed to anyone. Good luck.

Wow this is amazing - well done.

I agree sometimes profound unhappiness - leads to resentment ----leads to anger..... and on and on

Your not being over sensitive I can count on one hand the number of times my husband has sworn at me in 10 years during arguments and it would only be one word to which he would apologise very quickly for.

I think you need to sit down and explain its not acceptable to direct that sort of language towards you. Especially given he was asking you to apologise for it. If this isn't resolved then your children will pick up on it and it's not an acceptable way for anyone to be treated.

I did 18 years of it, putting up with living with a man like your husband. Ignored it initially as I was in love, worst mistake I made. Drained the life out of me. Left 14 months ago, now live in peace and calm.

it is unacceptable op, in answer to your question.
bad atmosphere for your dc too

be strong op

Your relationship is verbally abusive.

Living with a man like that, you’ll be walking around eggshells all your life. It will be mentally exhausting trying not to let anything make him flip. And it won’t just be you. It will also be the children. Don’t let it get that far OP.

And no, you're not being overly sensitive. It's completely normal that you find this behaviour unacceptable. It is unacceptable.

@AlizarinRed

I am astounded by the behaviour some women think they should be expected to tolerate from their partners

My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing at each other

Lucky you!

There's no need to be sneery. Just trying to counter the nonsense that is so often spouted about how it's perfectly normal to swear at and insult each other and everyone does it. They really don't.

Disagreeing is normal, arguing is normal (although loads of couples really don't do much of that either) but it's not the same as shouting and insulting no matter how rarely that happens.

What do you think he will do if/when the kids disagree with him?
Presumably he isnt this at work so he can control it, he just thinks it’s ok to speak to you like that

However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc.

Sounds like a lovely environment into which you’ve decided to bring a baby. Poor child.

why does he think it is okay to speak to me like that?

Because you’ve told him through your actions that you’re fine with him speaking to you like that. If you’d dumped him the first time, he might have known better for his next relationship. However you’ve tolerated his language and behaviour, and you’ve decided you’re so okay with it that you’re happy to raise a child in that environment, so he knows he has carte blanche to continue.

LTB and have higher standards next time you meet someone.

My DH can be like this. Suffers with stress and anxiety too. I get annoyed easily too but rarely name call or swear at him, although I do swear and will give back. He also rants doing housework which I don’t like. However we talk about it and he does see my point, occasionally apologies even, once calm.

His friends and family never see this, even colleagues, he completely bottles it up. He’s often great and does a lot with the kids and in the home. I’m not going to kick him out over it. But if it became a bigger problem/happened more, I’d expect him to get therapy to address the behaviour.

Before you LTB, can you talk to him about it? Will he consider therapy (alone or couples)? Only after you try the above would it be advisable to run. Unless in physical danger.