To think this is unacceptable?

[seeya2020]

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship.. until we disagree with something.
I'm fairly calm and much prefer a discussion over things. I hate confrontation and rarely get angry.
However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc. I NEVER say this to him unless I get really angry which is rare but he seems to get angry over the littlest of things.
Example is.. tonight we were discussing our sleeping routine with our son, he's 2 weeks old (before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children), he mentioned that he allows me to have a nap during the day and that he doesn't have naps.. to which I said 'yeah you do have naps' and he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology for saying he takes naps 🙄 Etc etc.
Bare in mind, the discussion on my behalf was completely calm and was just trying to work out a general routine.
I would never ever call him names such as dickhead/fuck off etc unless I was REALLY angry. Which as I've said is rare.. but he's so flippant with it. It seriously upsets me, why does he feel like it's okay to speak to me like that? Is it normal or am I just sensitive? He says I'm sensitive but to be honest i think he is with three way he reacts so angrily to the littlest of discussions?

It's hard to really get a picture without seeing the proper context.

My ex used to often swear angrily (not specifically at me) but was generally ok 99% of the time, with the occasional outburst which I could usually see coming.

For example, she'd often be on a work call and as soon as she'd hang up she'd shout "no, I WON'T do all your work for you, you FUCKING WANKER" or "grrr, you're such a FUCKING TWAT!" at her laptop.

But it was like a release of frustration for her and she was generally ok. No public dramas etc. But sometimes I'd be sitting there on the sofa a bit 👀.

If I commented she'd say "don't YOU fucking start" but she always apologised soon after and I knew to leave her be when she was having a moment. The above makes her sound crazy, but we had a great relationship which only ended because I don't really want kids. The flipside to her impulsive anger (a bit OTT but generally reserved for when people were being genuine dickheads) was that she was really funny and spontaneous and unlike anybody else I've ever dated. I've dated a few people since and many have just seemed so boring by comparison.

But I can definitely see her swearing at an onion. 😂

@GurpsAgain

It's hard to really get a picture without seeing the proper context.

My ex used to often swear angrily (not specifically at me) but was generally ok 99% of the time, with the occasional outburst which I could usually see coming.

For example, she'd often be on a work call and as soon as she'd hang up she'd shout "no, I WON'T do all your work for you, you FUCKING WANKER" or "grrr, you're such a FUCKING TWAT!" at her laptop.

But it was like a release of frustration for her and she was generally ok. No public dramas etc. But sometimes I'd be sitting there on the sofa a bit 👀.

If I commented she'd say "don't YOU fucking start" but she always apologised soon after and I knew to leave her be when she was having a moment. The above makes her sound crazy, but we had a great relationship which only ended because I don't really want kids. The flipside to her impulsive anger (a bit OTT but generally reserved for when people were being genuine dickheads) was that she was really funny and spontaneous and unlike anybody else I've ever dated. I've dated a few people since and many have just seemed so boring by comparison.

But I can definitely see her swearing at an onion. 😂

This sounds exactly like my partner. We're in a GOOD relationship so I'm a bit fogged over, confused and sad at how the above posters are saying he's a cunt, a vile bully and that I should leave. My heads up my arse with it all now. When/if you argued did your ex call you names such as dickhead or tell you to fuck off? Point should be made my partner does apologise after he says these things.

I honestly thought this would just be a case of having a sit down chat with him and getting advise on what to say on here and we'd work through it but now I'm questioning my whole relationship 😞

The details you've given about his problems with social anxiety and getting very worked up over simple tasks, added to the way he talks to you (flies off the handle, levels abuse at you with no self-awareness around the children) suggest he's emotionally unstable. With some people it's a sign of a personality disorder, with others it's undiagnosed deep-seated depressive tendencies, and then there's stuff like 'explosiveness' learned and not challenged effectively in childhood.

I would agree that you mustn't accept his behaviour, for your own sake and your childrens' sakes. But if you feel that broaching the topic of his seeking some sort of help for the way he behaves and treats you in such situations would go down like a lead balloon, then yes I feel it's a difficult choice you have to make between staying with him and risking your own and your childrens' long-term emotional and mental health, or leaving him if he won't look at himself and the impact of his behaviour. I feel for you OP, it's a distressing realisation to come to.

I can't forgive people easily, if at all. If someone spoke to me that way I'd leave.

It's not normal, it's not acceptable. It sets a bad example for your children. He can control it as I bet he doesn't talk to work colleagues that way, no matter how much they upset him or irritate him. So talking to you like that is a choice. You don't speak to someone you love like that.

I think you usually know deep down (well, I did).

I may get flak for this but I'm of the opinion that you usually need to take the opinion of people on here with a pinch of salt. People are very quick to say LTB when it is of no consequence to them.

But on the other hand, I grew up with quite dysfunctional parents so maybe my perspective is a bit tainted. They were the opposite of my ex and I. They would rarely argue as they saw themselves as very middle class and 'above' that, but they were extremely passively aggressive. In the same situation, my ex would just say "ok, if you want to be a moody prick just sit on your PlayStation all night and I'll go and see Jas." I actually prefer this bluntness rather than simmering grudges that fester for weeks.

In an ideal world, couples would never argue and life would always be rosy, but this isn't reality. Some people are fiery and it's a case of making it work. Sometimes it becomes too much but sometimes it balances out. Like the really stressful job with high return vs the steady but mind numbing job.

I dated an Irish girl in my 20s and she was too much. Far too fiery for me. But we stayed in touch as friends and she is now happily married to a rugby player. She jokes that she needed a man who could 'put her in her place', which sounds a bit sexist, but it felt like she was constantly pushing my boundaries which became a bit much in the end. Some people thrive off of this dynamic but I prefer a blunt/honest relationship but without too much drama but also without pretence.

Sorry, I'm totally waffling now...

He can control it as I bet he doesn't talk to work colleagues that way, no matter how much they upset him or irritate him.

I would ask though whether you want to be a 'work colleague' or somebody they can show their true emotions to. I've become something of a cynic over the years, not a truly miserable git, but I'm generally not prepared to pander to people anymore. That's why I left office work. I work in logistics now and am able to either say "shouldn't be a problem" or "I'm afraid you're dreaming, mate."

When I've tried to exude exuberance when dating I've just found that it creates false expectations which become increasingly harder to live up to. When I stopped trying to be who I thought people would like it was much better. I went on lots of dates which were a waste of time, but then I met my current partner who is equally as dry and cynical as myself (in a fairly tongue in cheek way) and we hit it off straight away.

The point I'm probably trying to make is that many people are inherently flawed and that doesn't mean that it can't work. You might be better to be with somebody who is 99% fine but who occasionally swears at you, rather than somebody who doesn't ever swear but isn't otherwise a good match. Obviously, it's better if they don't swear at you and you also get on, but you can't mix and match ingredients like you're making a cake.

Of course, if you feel disrespected and it's always one way traffic then this may not be the right relationship. But I know some couples with fiery relationships who are very much in love and get on well, and I also know others who tick all the boxes but just seem a bit meh with each other.

A previous relationship of mine was exactly like this, and I too made similar excuses. “It’s perfect 99% of the time if I agree with him, smile and nod” , you’re allowed to answer him back. I have a lot of anxiety and if anything it makes me less confrontational and I’m certainly not a bully.

Also people’s reactions are based off of the situation. He got pissed off because you dared have YOUR opinion, and what’s worse is you said back to him what he said to you In the first place and he tried to make YOU apologise.

Nope I wouldn't let anyone talk to me like that.

Aggressive bully. Let's all teach our kids to be miserable gits that gets angry at onions.

I may get flak for this but I'm of the opinion that you usually need to take the opinion of people on here with a pinch of salt. People are very quick to say LTB when it is of no consequence to them.

It's funny you should say that because I think people are very quick to tell people to stay in abusive relationships when it is of no consequence to them.

To answer the specific question you have asked - no, you are not being sensitive.

It sounds like he has a nasty streak and takes his anger out on you. We can't say anything for certain because we're just going off what you've said here in these posts, and obviously you have a whole life together that we do not see. But honestly, from what you have said, it does not sound good. You shouldn't have to put up with being told to fuck off and being called nasty names, especially not over such small things. I wouldn't want to be with someone who did that.

before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children

Why did you want to start a family with this man? I don't think children should be around his awful behaviour.

You are not just being sensitive. He shouldn’t speak to you or anyone like that.

My dad was a bit like that. Flying of the handle easily. Shouting and swearing at us and inanimate objects. He was basically an unhappy man with a temper. He has mellowed a lot since he retired. But it wasn’t nice to grow up with. If he was in a good mood all was fine but he could switch over something minor. We basically grew up treading on eggshells. The atmosphere in the house was so different when he wasn’t at home.

He still tends to react with anger if he is stressed or worried. It seems to be his default.

I’m not jumping to tell you to leave. But you can’t ignore it either. It will effect your children. It’s horrible as a child to witness someone losing their temper even if it’s not directed at you. When you describe him losing it and swearing at an onion I feel a knot in my stomach as I can relate to it so well. And I’m in my 50s now. But it takes me right back.

If it were me I would talk to him and tell him you will not accept this behaviour. He needs to find other ways to relieve his stresses. I would say “you do not get to speak to me that way. I am your wife and the mother of your children and I deserve respect not shouting and swearing and name calling. I will not have my children exposed to this and growing up with it. It is not normal behaviour. You need to stop. You might need help to change your behaviour and reactions and find out why it is you react that way and I will support you and help you but this cannot continue.”

Counselling might help him figure out why it is he reacts that way and how he can react differently.

You are not sensitive and this is not a healthy relationship as the measure of a good relationship is the ability to handle conflict well. You are entitled to have a different opinion to him. You are allowed to disagree with him.

It is him who is ultra sensitive and seems to have a victim mentality. What you have to acknowledge is that he is showing your children how to behave to a partner, do you want your sons to do this and your daughters to put up with this abuse. How will they learn to treat you with respect if their dad doesn't?

I imagine he grew up in a similar household and the cycle of toxicity will just continue for your children unless you break it.

You are not married? Are you financially dependant on him?

You stated you DO think it's acceptable despite the title saying the opposite?

Heres some honesty

2 weeks after your baby is born he's kicking off, before your baby has even become annoying or tiring and you think that's fine despite it making you feel like shit.

Good that you're happy he allows you naps though or else you would be in some weird relationship where a statement like that would be a massive red flag.
Like normal relationships, where you don't need permission to nap.

I can't see your baby being happy and settled but I also can't see you leaving just because of the damage he will do to you and baby.

Seriously do you have anyone else in your life? because this is awful. None of it is ok and baby is about to become an issue.

Or is baby allowed naps as well?

I don't think it's normal, but I'll admit I've probably accepted it for a long time

Your baby will have to accept it, it's already been his/her whole life.

Littlest things cause him to be irate but 99% of the time you are happy? That must involve a lot of work from you, because most people get irritated daily, does 99% mean only once or twice a day?

Be honest with yourself.

Babies cry for hours, it's more than a 'little thing' and it's daily, the first Two weeks are a breeze.

You're right we won't have to live with your decision but you and your baby will.

My DH can be angry, v unpleasant to be around.
Imv it is usually when something else has happened eg restrictions with lockdown and deciding whether to go somewhere or not. So he ranted yesterday because I'd turned the dishwasher off (phonecall) and forgotten to turn it back on again - ridiculous. I argued about it and he said I'd done it a couple of weeks ago as well - WTF as if that matters.

Thinking about it afterwards he was probably feeling very anxious about breaking lockdown rules but takes it out on others (me as I'm the one there). This doesn't excuse his behaviour but it means it isn't actually that he is furious with me, it's him wound up due to anxiety.
If this chimes with you OP perhaps your DP could do some counselling to work out the problem. My DH is too old to change.

What is unacceptable to your children is how you are minimizing this toxic relationship. Typical- hes soooo lovely But but but.
Your kids will grow up thinking this is how you speak. Are you ok with that?
How do you think you will ever get him to recognize he has a major problem when he can't even accept he takes naps?
Do you even realize that your kids will learn to walk on eggshells around him?
You knew he was like this

Not particularly argumentative with anyone else but he doesn't really have discussions the same way he does with me?

So he can behave decently without making people feel shit. he just doesn't bother around you and his kids?

Do you see your parents with him? does he do this around your parents?

It's funny you should say that because I think people are very quick to tell people to stay in abusive relationships when it is of no consequence to them.

I don't see this much on here, but maybe I've read the wrong threads.

My personal experience is that a relatively small number of individuals are violent/abusive and these are usually men. But when it's 'irrational' behaviour and drama it is usually the female. I appreciate being a forum with more female users many will disagree with me.

I've known a lot of guys with girlfriends who they 'love but can be hard work' and it is certainly very common for women on dating sites to select the 'I'm a princess' descriptor - there's actually an emoji for this on either Match or POF and it is used surprisingly often. A guy who describes himself as high maintenance is pretty much unheard of and won't get many dates.

This is NOT how a respectful, loving, caring relationship works. He is aggressive within the home, I speak from experience that to a small child a large man speaking and acting aggressively is terrifying - it has serious repercussions on a child’s entire life. My husband has never, ever, called me names. We don’t argue, there’s nothing to argue about as we have calm discussions and don’t act angrily within our home. This is how my friends relationships work too.
I find it absolutely appalling that he has spoken to you, a mother of a very young baby, like this!!! It’s disgusting. He should be doing everything possible to facilitate your mental and physical recovery from birth and dealing with an older child and newborn. Do you feel cherished???
You seriously, seriously, need to be honest with your health visitor about his behaviours and get signposted support. And do the freedom programme. I hope you come to realise you deserve a life without this. Your children do too.

A lot of women don't realise they're being abused because they've been in it for so long. I think he sounds vile and he'd have been out on his arse the first time. He clearly thinks it's acceptable as he doesn't get angry with anyone else like that.

I wasn't trying to be offensive with my previous post or get a reaction btw. I just think it's more socially acceptable for women to 'be a diva'.

Irrational like kicking off because someone who gave birth a fortnight ago mentions that you take naps?
Or because an onion pissed you off?

That irrational shit yeah? you're right "I'll kick off over anything and call you names around our kids one who is only 14 days old" won't get you a date.

One in Three women has had abuse and violence, it's not a small minority.. Diva is a pretty shit term that Women use too indicate they want you to think they won't put up with being treated like shit(aka expecting to be able to speak without abuse), usually used by women who do put up with it.

I think the main problem is his total lack of respect for you as a person, wife and mother of his children. He doesn't speak to others like this but does with you? You need to draw a line in how you expect to be treated. I know this can be hard, I am a "people pleaser" too but as I have aged and realised my worth no way now would I put up with this.