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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unacceptable?

139 replies

seeya2020 · 27/11/2020 01:32

Me and my partner generally have a good relationship.. until we disagree with something.
I'm fairly calm and much prefer a discussion over things. I hate confrontation and rarely get angry.
However my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc. I NEVER say this to him unless I get really angry which is rare but he seems to get angry over the littlest of things.
Example is.. tonight we were discussing our sleeping routine with our son, he's 2 weeks old (before anyone goes down the route of oh he's snappy because he's tired from having a new born.. no.. he was like this before children), he mentioned that he allows me to have a nap during the day and that he doesn't have naps.. to which I said 'yeah you do have naps' and he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology for saying he takes naps 🙄 Etc etc.
Bare in mind, the discussion on my behalf was completely calm and was just trying to work out a general routine.
I would never ever call him names such as dickhead/fuck off etc unless I was REALLY angry. Which as I've said is rare.. but he's so flippant with it. It seriously upsets me, why does he feel like it's okay to speak to me like that? Is it normal or am I just sensitive? He says I'm sensitive but to be honest i think he is with three way he reacts so angrily to the littlest of discussions?

OP posts:

BloggersBlog · 27/11/2020 08:48

Everyone's normal is unique to them though, so making it to 60 years together without shouting and swearing is great if that is what works for you.

My parents are still together after 60 years too - and will still have hum dingers of arguments, but adore each other.

My ex and I were together 21 years and never really argued, just nothing left apart from distaste by the end.

But swearing and belittling is crossing a line, and i am glad you are going to have a conversation with him. His reaction will be very telling as to how he sees you and your feelings, and what he wants his dcs to see/hear/learn about healthy or unhealthy relationships.

JackyFrost · 27/11/2020 08:48

@seeya2020

Hmm okay maybe I need to leave him then. He'll be in for a shock. Should I start packing my bags now to leave tomorrow? I could go to my mums but we'd have to stop in a box room (me, 3 year old and 2 week old) I didn't realise that this was so toxic as we're in a generally loving relationship majority of the time. Just thought I was being sensitive for being called a dick head 🧐 Maybe I should speak to my friend about her relationship too?

It sounds like you are not willing to take any advice given, and are sarcastic when you think the advice is wrong?

WeAllHaveWings · 27/11/2020 08:50

@seeya2020

Thank you for all your replies. I'm going to give him the ultimatum today and see what how that goes.

Don't given an ultimatum you are not prepared to follow through.

If he has always been this way it is who he is, you are unlikely to be able to change him now. Unless he recognises his behaviour and wants to change and maybe gets professional help with it.

Next time he does it, think about your baby being a 4 year old watching and listening and thinking it is normal for daddy to swear and shout at mummy and how they will naturally learn not to upset daddy or he will get cross with them too....................

Then think of your dc being a teenager and how they are going to feel being verbally abused by their dad, because it will happen.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 27/11/2020 09:03

Hi OP

Just to reiterate what other posters have said. I'm 40 and no partner has ever sworn at me or called me a name. It's not normal. And if he manages to hold down a job then he obviously doesnt do this at work etc and it's just directed at you.

If you stay, your child will either speak to their partner like this or find a partner that speaks to them like this because it will be their 'normal'.

If he does this over a conversation about napping then surely it must be fairly frequent.

I'd say as well that having a baby is only going to make things worse, at the moment it's new and exciting but 4 months down the line when you're both chronically sleep deprived is the time in my opinion when even the most chilled out of people become really snappy. And when your child is older and brings home a nursery illness but can't express how horrible they feel so are whinging and moaning and playing up and deliberately pushing buttons like throwing food or biting you out of frustration or something, how do you think he is going to react? Is he going to take a deep breath and say 'I know they're only little and they dont mean it' or is he going to call them a fucking dickhead?

The thing is you've asked people what you can do. There is nothing you can do because he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour, there is nothing you could have done in the situation you describe to stop him swearing at you, and you shouldn't have to do anything or modify your behaviour to stop being verbally abused, should you?

So the only options left are either to leave, or take a break with an ultimatum that he takes this seriously, gets some professional help and works his arse off to prove he has strategies to manage his anger to make sure he never verbally abuses you again

PinkPixie7 · 27/11/2020 09:05

When he’s in a calm mood, could you explain that you don’t like it when he swears? That you feel really crap and small when he resorts to swearing at you? Also explain that you’re worried your DC will copy.

Just because his behaviour is normal to you, this doesn’t mean it’s acceptable and healthy. Being anxious isn’t an excuse to be a dick head.

SquareSausage17 · 27/11/2020 09:06

I am astounded by the behaviour some women think they should be expected to tolerate from their partners

My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing at each other

Lucky you!

This is a great example of what I mean - you aren’t ‘lucky’ if you have a partner who doesn’t shout or swear at you. It’s the absolute bare minimum you should expect. This kind of aggression is so normalised that being with someone who treats you with basic dignity and respect is seen as lucky, rather than a basic standard - once you examine that, you really see how warped it is.

Maray1967 · 27/11/2020 09:18

Is he likely to carry on speaking like this in everyday life when your baby is older? If so, get ready for some awkward conversations with nursery/childminder/school. A child who regularly hears language like this will repeat it. They can repeat it if they hear it as a one-off, but you can deal with that (have experience of that ...), you realise, don’t do it again, they forget and stop. But if it is part of dad’s usual speech that they hear regularly they will not stop doing it.

Original poster

seeya2020 · 27/11/2020 09:19

It sounds like you are not willing to take any advice given, and are sarcastic when you think the advice is wrong? @JackyFrost

Wish it was sarcasm ha

OP posts:

DryRoastPeanut · 27/11/2020 09:22

You say you have a great relationship, so talk to him

Tell him that the way he talks to you is unacceptable, you do not want you children raised thinking it’s ok to call or be called a cunt nor do you want to be told to fuck off again because next time will be the last time he gets to tell you that. That you will indeed fuck off and do not intend to return to a man that tells you to fuck off repeatedly.

It’s up to you. You put up with his abuse which you think is acceptable (it’s not) or you do something about it.

Magicpaintbrush · 27/11/2020 09:22

No it isn't normal to tell your partner to fuck off and call them names - not normal AT ALL. In the 16 years that DH and I have been together he has NEVER done this, and never would.

Dishwashersaurous · 27/11/2020 09:23

It is not normal to swear at anyone you have a relationship with- partner, friends, family.

Thinking that behaviour is ever ok is really damaging for everyone.

You need to sit down and explain calmly that you will not be treated like that and agree how to proceed

dotoallasyouwouldbedoneby · 27/11/2020 09:26

New baby has arrived...that kind of belitting disrespectful way of speaking to each other needs to stop.

Maray1967 · 27/11/2020 09:27

Posted too soon, meant to add something more supportive! Do you think he would listen if you talked to him about language in the house with a little one around? I’m not minimising the issue of him speaking to you like that whether or not you had children but it might be a way into it. And I think you both need to think about you speak at all times, if that’s not too harsh- as you have said you do use words like that occasionally so he might well think it’s not the number of times or the circumstances that matter but just that you both do use words like that to each other and that therefore he can’t see the difference. It might be better to try to agree on a complete ban on speaking like that to each other.

ScatteredMama82 · 27/11/2020 09:28

That is really not normal. Just because your best friend also lives like that doesn't make it right. My DH would NEVER shout and swear at me, I don't think he's ever raised his voice to me in the 16 years we've been together. What must your children think when they hear this? As they grow, will he start shouting and swearing at them too? Please think carefully about all this.

Lindtballsrock · 27/11/2020 09:29

Op, a lot of us would be advised on here to leave our partners if we posted a summary of them at their very worst.
In my view the crux is whether you can talk to him about this when things are calm, and if he understands that it’s not ok and needs to change and is willing to put the effort in to make that change.

Twistered · 27/11/2020 09:31

This is not ok.
I wouldn't be too worried at the swearing at onions etc. But when he is directing that to someone else it is abuse. Even if it's only 1% of his overall actions.
I'm definitely not saying leave him.........However for the sake of your children at least, you need to let him know this isn't acceptable and it is actually abusive to call you names and fly off the handle at you over small things.
Let him know he's hurting you..... Honestly if it continues it will rip your self esteem to shreds. Let him know this.

I would have been absolutely crushed when my baby was 2 weeks old if anyone called me a dickhead. Especially if it was DH.

Hope you can have a talk with him about this and he can calm himself a bit more

ittakes2 · 27/11/2020 09:32

He is having trouble dealing with strong emotions and he is losing control - like a toddler tantrum. It's likely he never learnt as a child to manage his emotions. But he needs to agree to have therapy to learn to do this fast or I am very sorry but I would recommend you leaving him. It doesn't matter if things are good 99% of the time. If you think the stress of a 2 week old and a conversation about naps has lead to him behaving like this...please don't wait to find out what sort of behaviours the stress of being sleep deprived might reveal. I am sorry but I would not leave him alone with the baby.

StirUp · 27/11/2020 09:44

OP, I'm sorry this thread hasn't gone the way you hoped. Ending a relationship even without children involved is difficult; children make it a million times more so.

That said, your partner's behaviour is absolutely not normal, and your friend is doing you no favours by suggesting that it is.

my partner gets irate over the littlest things and speaks to me like shit when he's angry. Tells me to fuck off etc

he seems to get angry over the littlest of things

he flipped his shit basically saying I make shit up, he's sick of me making stuff up about him, he's pissed off, fuck off downstairs, you're a fucking dickhead. Demanding an apology

OP, he will do this to your children, too

Either he has to take responsibility and seek genuinely effective counselling/anger management, or you have to leave him.

My husband was like this. I ended up giving him an ultimatum. We are divorced, and the children are no longer walking on eggshells.

caringcarer · 27/11/2020 09:45

He shows little respect for you. What about when he swears and is abusive to your baby? Because at the moment it sounds like anger management issues. He could get help for this but he won't if he does not see it as a problem.

CharityDingle · 27/11/2020 09:51

@SquareSausage17

I am astounded by the behaviour some women think they should be expected to tolerate from their partners

My parents made it to almost 60 years of marriage without shouting or swearing at each other

Lucky you!

Exactly. It's frightening that more than one poster on this thread minimises absolutely shit behaviour, on the basis that it's only with them, their ADULT partner behaves like this.

Not to mention the minimising because 'he suffers from stress/anxiety'.

OP, it's completely unacceptable. Only you can decide if you are going to allow this crap to continue. But you have children now who will quickly absorb this as 'normal'. It isn't.

Wales34 · 27/11/2020 09:55

My partner can get like this very occasionally. He gets obsessed with who is right or wrong. However he is the most loving , supporting father and husband most of the time so I let it go

Ginfordinner · 27/11/2020 09:58

Spoke to my best friend about it and she said her and her partner always call each other names when arguing and it's not uncommon

Well it should be

Both of you seem to have a very low bar. I have never had a relationship with anyone who has treated me like this. DH has never and would never. It's our 40th wedding anniversary next year.

Wales34 · 27/11/2020 09:59

@seeya2020

Please don't leave him just because of views on here ! Everyone is hearing the bad not the good.

Shoxfordian · 27/11/2020 10:00

Are you her husband?

diddl · 27/11/2020 10:05

"Please don't leave him just because of views on here ! Everyone is hearing the bad not the good.""

He's pissed off with Op because she naps in the daytime 2 wks after giving birth.

I mean, so fucking what-what a complete areshole he is!

Especially when it transpires that he also naps in the day!

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