Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

I would probably look pointedly at her bump and go “eeewww, no” with a look of disgust

You need to tell her once, calmly and explicitly that you find her comments unwelcome and you would like her to stop referring to your parental status.

You don't have to justify or explain, just ask her to stop.

If it continues then raise it with your manager.

Don't go straight to your manager. You should be able to deal with it yourself in the first instance, as a grown up professional. Practice in the mirror if it helps!

*'Why do you think it's appropriate to always talk to me about my personal childbearing choices?'

'Are you aware you are crossing boundaries, and being rude?'*

I'd use something like these but not personalise it. So I'd say, it's inappropriate and unprofessional to make comments about other women's personal childbearing choices as you don't know their personal situation. Although I'm very happy for you I'm actually finding it intrusive having these conversations.

If she keeps on then you have no choice, having handled it professionally yourself, to go to HR or your line manager.

I understand about the confrontation being difficult but people will walk all over you if you don't learn to handle these situations assertively.

"well when I've decided to have kids, you will of course be the first one to know."

Print it on a tee-shirt.

I would keep it short and firm. Next time she she says something, a short pause, look her in the eye and "Don't ask me about that topic again." Then walk away.

god what a complete bitch she is OP

I would just reply with "I wanted children but I cant have them"

as someone who is infertile I tend to find that shuts most people up (NB most people arent so bloody tactless and nosey in the first place!)

There is more work being done now around this now as an HR issue as so many more people dont have children so you could raise it with them as a "has anyone given any thought to this as an issue?" rather than as your issue IYSWIM

realemploymentlawadvice.co.uk/2020/03/04/childless-employees-in-the-workplace-what-should-you-consider-2/

Agree with CherryPavlova. Be clear but keep it professional. If she still persists you can escalate then.

I would...

• have an informal chat with my manager and say what’s been happening, how long, and that you are going to be pushing back on it imminently. This is to tee up your manager for when the pregnant one inevitably goes to them crying about it

• then next time she says anything, hard Paddington stare, then say something like “listen, I was hoping you’d realise yourself but you haven’t so I’m going to spell it out for your benefit. Your constant references to me or other people needing to get pregnant need to stop. Obviously I just ignore you (tinkly laugh) but (serious face) other people with different circumstances may not be as tolerant as me. I really hope you doing this is unintentional and down to your age and immaturity as most women know that repeated comments like yours are totally inappropriate. Don’t they?” (Head tilt, tinkly laugh)

And if that fails, a loud “oh do fuck off“ should suffice! (Don’t do this obvs. But enjoy imagining it🤣)

“Please can you stop talking to me about my fertility, if you won’t stop I will have to make a complaint.”

And then if she starts again- “I’ve made my feelings clear- your comments are not welcome.”

I would also really obviously get out a note book and write down her comments and the time and date. She can’t bully you like this- but you do need to let her know her comments aren’t welcome.

Don’t confront her. You might cry, which is giving her what she wants. Or you might make her cry, and you’ll become the baddie.

Go and speak to your manager. She’s bullying you, and it’s absolutely unacceptable. If I was your manager, I would call her in straight away for a conversation about workplace bullying. She needs to be reminded about respect in the workplace, and not subjecting people to sexist harassment.

I wonder if she is mid 20s and you are 31, she maybe feels a little bit "panicked " by her pregnancy? She is quite young these days, for a professional woman to have her first child before establishing herself on the Career ladder. She is being very rude and tactless .I do not think you should let her see you are upset though.I would muster up all your courage ,take a deep breath and say to her( looking her in the eye if possible ) that you have plenty of time left to get pregnant.And are waiting until you are further along in your chosen Career path.That you are in "awe" of her being so "brave" ,as most women with a good career wouldnt "think" of getting pregnant in case it harms their Career choices!

Go and speak to your manager. Let them deal with it. It's intrusive, rude and crass

Pregnant or not, she's being a big fat bully. Or, at the very least, hideously insensitive and inappropriate. Definitely ask her to stop - I like @FredtheFerret's advice.

Good luck.

If it doesn't work, yes, manager.

I can't believe people have the audacity to ask about ANOTHER WOMAN'S WOMB - and not once, but constantly.

Stupid un-self-aware smug cow.

for you

Haven’t RTFT but you have my sympathies OP - I too hate confrontation and would really struggle in this situation.

Personally I would send her an email so you’ve got a record of it because I’d know that if I spoke to my manager, best case scenario is the manager would tell her to stop which would make things awkward, worst case is the manager would be unsympathetic and ask why I hadn’t just told her to stop it.

So i would send an email along the lines of “you’ve been making a lot of negative and insensitive comments recently about the fact I do not have children. This is a sensitive topic for me, I do not want to discuss it at all, and I would appreciate it if you’d stop doing it”.

That’s about as confrontational as I could manage - if she then brought up the email just say “I’ve already said I don’t want to talk about this, please stop it”.

Then if she persists you can show your manager you’ve tried to address it yourself and hopefully they will then step in.

I would speak to your manager. She sounds vile and not like a happy person at all. If she continues to comment on you getting pregnant then just start blanking her or if you don't feel comfortable doing that or she repeats herself until you acknowledge then be really off and abrupt in your responses and then hopefully she will start to back off if she's looking like a tit everytime she says something and isn't getting anything back in return. It sounds to me like she's very immature and needs to grow up before becoming a mother!

She needs to be told. Be assertive and tell her to butt out or you'll be speaking to your manager. What a twat she is.

Imo this is bullying if she only does it to you

However I suspect it is because she is just so self obsessed with her impending baby she simply thinks of everything in that context - unless she is the same with other subjects - eg counting your takeaway coffees or commenting on spending decisions or some such

She’ll be off on maternity leave shortly, don’t let her get you down.

Maybe ask for a change of desk from manager so you can distance yourself

She's a typical bully, don't defend yourself or answer when she makes comments, she's goading and will thrive on it.

The fact that one of these was 'You'll end up a lonely old woman' is enough for you to inform your manager.

@Brunt0n

“Why are you so obsessed with me?” Is good! “Are you quite alright? You seem really fixated on this, that’s the 3rd time this week” with a tilted head and worried look

This approach works quite well. Especially with anti breastfeeding relatives. Can see it being universally effective.

'Yeah, but I've got a nice tight vag , and it's staying that way' big wink

Lowering the tone, I know, but might shut her up.

I think some of these witty responses will make the situation worse,not better.

Just send her a text saying you find this awkward to discuss but would like her to stop asking you about pregnancy as for some people it isn't straightforward.

God she sounds unpleasant. I would sorely want to yell in the middle of the office next time she does it, 'i am infertile you fucking nosey cow, just fucking drop it!' (Even if I wasn't, just to humiliate her) but I appreciate that this approach is a bit over dramatic and comes with its own downsides if you don't want the whole office looking at you and gossiping.

So I agree with those who say speak to your manager, quietly ask them to step in and ask colleague to stop with the comments. Manager doesn't need to be heavy handed, just 'look, I've overheard some of your comments and I need you to knock it off, we have women in this office who have had losses/struggles, and your comments could be very upsetting to them.' Manager doesn't even have to say its the op who has raised it. If she doesn't stop then its up to the manager to deal with it, as she has already been warned nicely to be more considerate.

If your line manager is a pleasant and supportive person then I'd go to them.
I can see why people have said not to involve HR etc but OP has said she doesn't like confrontation and could easily get emotional.

This colleague's behaviour is awful and she should feel ashamed of herself. She's behaving like a child and deserves to be reprimanded by someone more senior.

No one should have to put up with this shit at work, totally unprofessional.

Do not say anything like “it is a sensitive topic for me”. That will just let her have even more of a hold over you. Do not play on trying to get her sympathies. Keep your feelings out of it. Say it’s inappropriate and unprofessional conversation that needs to stop now.

I would say - "I know that you are excited about having a baby, but others are in a different situation. It is coming across as insensitive, please can you stop."