Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

Try your best to not react, I’d try to say something like

1. Wow, how would someone think that’s an appropriate thing to say (walk away and shake head in a bewildered manner) - you’ve not actually answered her but rebuffed the questions-and inferred it’s inappropriate.
2. none of your business and quit asking me non stop!
3. are you quite ok, you’re really fixated on this topic aren’t you?
4. kids god no! I’m determined to enjoy myself going out, I want a chance to travel and enjoy some seriously luxury holidays before I’m tied down like that! I’ve used option 4 before in the face of non stop questions when we were TTC without much luck.

I would avoid any sarcastic or clever comments as they may rebound on you. If your co-worker then goes whinging to management YOU will be the guilty party. I would remind her that this is a place of work and not a maternity clinic and that you find her comments inappropriate. Warn her firmly that if they do not cease you will report them to HR/manager as appropriate.

Look - she’s awful. But all this “not wanting confrontation” is half the problem here. Because it’s a big deal to report to your manager/HR and I think she’d actually be justified to be aggrieved if you did so without speaking to her first. And your colleagues will probably agree with that and see you as a snitch/will be very careful around you in future.

She is being horrid. And it is upsetting you. So - calmly - say “please stop making these sorts of comments; it’s inappropriate and I don’t like it.” Say it twice. And then you’re fully justified in going down the HR route if she persists.

I think that due to the fact she is pregnant, and she may cry off to hr if you do say anything pointed you need to tread carefully, she holds all the cards. Due to this I'd have an open conversation with your manager, I'd pretty much say exactly what you e said in your OP but ask your manager not to tell her about any fertility issues, as you don't want her knowing this. It's then all on record and it's your managers issue to deal with. Say you feel she's bullying you.

I think, and I know this sounds terrible, but I would actually lie to her. I am also a people pleaser and understand how hard it would be to say something. I would lie and get into a conversation, then tell her I had lost a child. Yes, i know that's awful, but i would lie and make her feel like shite. She needs to learn a lesson.

Direct your response to her as a question:

'Why are you so interested in my womb?'

'Why do you think it's appropriate to always talk to me about my personal childbearing choices?'

'Are you aware you are crossing boundaries, and being rude?'

'Are you trying to be unkind to me by always asking when I'm going to get pregnant?'

She’s thoughtless and a bit dim. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing. Tell her to her face instead of tripping off to your manager and escalating it.
Just simply say, “I know you’re very young and excited but it’s very insensitive to keep asking me. Please stop. “.

¥I think that due to the fact she is pregnant, and she may cry off to hr if you do say anything pointed you need to tread carefully, she holds all the cards.

The op doesn’t need to be pointed. She just needs to calmly and professionally tell this colleague that that isn’t an appropriate topic of discussion and to stop bringing it up with her, and that if she doesn’t she will involve HR. Pregnant or not, I don’t see how that gets the op in hot water.

Stop smiling OP. When she says it, force yourself not to smile. You don't have to say anything. Just DO NOT SMILE, then walk away.

People pleasers always smile but this needs to stop, when she says this to you.

@FredtheFerret

It's difficult if you don't like confrontation, but if it were me I'd take a deep breath and say to her What you are doing is really unkind. Have you actually considered that I might desperately want children and have had problems conceiving? Why on earth would you make comments like this to anyone? Stop now, or I'll be raising a complaint about it.

I'd then pick up my bag and go and have a little cry in the toilets. Hopefully she'll be shame faced when you return. If she tries to bring it up again - or even apologises - I'd say that's fine. Change the subject now.

Excellent advice.

I’m really impressed at your bravery at getting pregnant at your age but I’ll hold off on the saggy boobs, stretch marks, mum tum, sleepless nights, negative impact on my finances etc, for a little while longer thanks.

Give her taste if her own medicine.

Or the op makes herself look like a horrible bitch with a comment like that @AgentJohnson. She totally loses the moral high ground and I don’t think it will be effective in making their interactions any better.

Fuck that she sounds like the smug marrieds from Bridget Jones.

Don't "giver her a taste of her own medicine," hit her, pretend to cry or give smart-arse responses.

Pull her aside (not physically; say; "Can I have a word in private? We need to talk about something") and then say something like: "You keep making comments about my age and the fact that you think I should get pregnant. Please explain why you are doing this. It's really very rude behavior. I want you to stop this right now and not make any more of these comments. If I hear any more of these remarks from you, I'll be going to the manager."

Talk to your manager. Don’t bother trying to have a conversation with this tedious woman, sounds like she wouldn’t listen anyway.

I'd be absolutely horrified if one of my staff was going through this and hadn't told me. Please speak to your manager OP if you're not comfortable with the confrontation. This really isn't on

I don’t agree with the “if she does it again report it to HR”

She’s done it enough! Once was enough!

It is bullying, discrimination based on gender AND age (?)

No more pussy footing about, go direct to HR or manager now and get the ball rolling on her getting stopped by management

You don’t need to go to work and feel like this. I’d be horrified if I knew someone working for me was going through this.

Wow, she's a bit of knob isn't she?! I would start with politely saying please stop talking about my womb. Many women get pregnant in their 40s so plenty of time for me yet. If this doesn't stop it then speak to your manager.

If you were talking about her getting pregnant so young, doesn't she want to progress in her career, buy a house, go on nice holidays first for example she will take it wrong and get management involved about bullying.

I know how frustrating this is and know how different it would if it was people commenting on her pregnancy.

I think, and I know this sounds terrible, but I would actually lie to her. I am also a people pleaser and understand how hard it would be to say something. I would lie and get into a conversation, then tell her I had lost a child.

No, don't do this either. When it comes out that the OP has lied, the OP will end up looking like a nutter, and this is her workplace where she has to work and try to be taken seriously every day.

@CherryPavlova

She’s thoughtless and a bit dim. She probably doesn’t realise what she’s doing. Tell her to her face instead of tripping off to your manager and escalating it. Just simply say, “I know you’re very young and excited but it’s very insensitive to keep asking me. Please stop. “.

Once or twice could be excused as thoughtless and a bit dim. Several times a week, ongoingly, is not an innocent mistake.

@Worriedaboutcovid19

Id turn this around on her.

"Are you actually happy being pregnant?"

Her: yes?!

"Oh right, you just go on about others not being pregnant or not having kids so it must be on your mind quite a bit? Its normal to have second thoughts. Im here if you need to talk" concerned face

Watch her suddenly become defensive. She'll end up displaying the reaction she wants from you!

I actually think she's insecure about her choice and is projecting onto you to give herself validation!

I'd be careful with anything like this - she sounds a tw*t and might actually accuse you of upsetting her (what with you being insanely jealous of her, being up the duff and everything).

And actually thinking about the "for all you know I might be trying to conceive etc" thing - this is also something that she could turn round and make about her - weeping copiously and "But I didn't know", "I was just trying to be friendly", "I'm so upset now and it will affect my baby." - she sounds the type who is self-obsessed enough to pull this sort of sh*t.

Anyone would be upset by this, I know i would have been. She needs to mind her own business. I think you should say to her out straight you don’t know my circumstances nor do I need to explain Them to you so stop with the comments. That should work but if not don’t feel stupid going to management, you are entitled to come to work without someone constantly commenting On your personal life, you won’t appear stupid or a moan!

It’s bullying. Absolutely. And possibly sexual harassment, even. This is very serious and any company must take it seriously. I would go to your manager and complain.

If you do talk to her directly, I would say something very simple and factual.

It is unprofessional to ask a woman about her reproductive choices. It has no place in the workplace. It is also rude, look round the room, there are women here who can't have kids, your comments are offensive. Please stop.

Doesn't give away any onformation, or make it only about you.

Don't overthink this op. Just ask her to stop asking you unprofessional and personal questions then walk away. If she persists then straight to the manager. It's up to her to work out why its unprofessional. You don't owe her a free lesson in not being stupid.