Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

As a childfree woman in my 30s I am fuming for her. Give me your work address, I will have a eord😂

Tbh I wouldn't even speak with her. I agree with one pp that she sounds like an absolute dick and she eill enjoy the reaction.

Go to HR and tell them everything. It's bullying, it's distasteful and she should be fired because EVERY idiot would know this is not ok.

I don't think it's a good idea to put anything in writing at this stage, especially if you think she may be doing it deliberately.

Nor would I give her any ammunition at all by even hinting at difficulties conceiving: she sounds quite spiteful enough to use it against you.

Just tell her firmly and plainly:
"I won't discuss my fertility with you: please stop commenting on it."
If she makes one more remark after you've told her, then go straight to the manager with a list, preferably dated, of all her comments.

You haven't yet told her to stop, so she could reasonably claim that she didn't realise it was a problem, especially if you've tried to laugh it off in the past.
Going to the manager should be a last resort if you can't sort it out for yourself.

Wow, she sounds horrible. If I were in your shoes I'd be very upset.

I would speak to HR, but I know that's not everyone's cup of tea. You shouldn't have to deal with bullying in the work place.

“I bet you’re not looking forward to having a fanny that looks like a kebab run over by a garbage truck!” Then waltz off in triumph.

*X, whilst I am thrilled for you and your pregnancy I would like to respectfully ask you to stop making frequent comments about my lack of pregnancy.

I find it in appropriate to have my body/personal choices commented on in a professional environment and this has unfortunately become a regular, and often public, occurrence.*

Far too soft. I'd be more direct:

X, whilst I am thrilled for you and your pregnancy, I'm hereby telling you to stop making repeated comments about my pregnancy status.

It is inappropriate to have my body/personal choices commented on in a professional environment and this has unfortunately become a regular, and often public, occurrence.

Get rid before next summer and Christmas or none of you will have a chance to be off!

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it,

TBH that's exactly what I'd say. However. You need to be careful because of how any reply will look.

You say she's said it around other women without children?
I would just say to her that it's unprofessional to be saying things like this and maybe she would like to go away and have a little think about why some women don't have children at the advanced age of 30 and beyond. And that it will be a matter for escalation if she does it again.

Try to have a witness, and stay calm while you say this.

Then next time she says something escalate it. And then tell her that you have done what you said you would and would she stop doing it.

I had this exact same experience with my SIL, every single time we saw her, whether we were alone or in the company of her extended family, she would ask when I was going to get pregnant. It was so indignified. She didn't know, nor did she have any right to, that we had been trying for years and could not get pregnant until I had a procedure. One day she pushed too hard and I broke down. She apologised of course. I have two beautiful teens now, but I've never forgiven her.

YANBU. Sounds straight out of Bridget Jones and her friends asking her why she is single.

Maybe confess to being an alien from outer space and your kids are in their pods on epsilon 5 (Spitting Image credits here). Or something stupid like that. No point trying to speak rationally to her.

Go to HR but don't explain your fertility issues as HR, in my experience, are leaky and will tell her this is why you're offended. Tell HR you've had enough about very personal observations and want them to stop.

@JellyStrudel

I would say - "I know that you are excited about having a baby, but others are in a different situation. It is coming across as insensitive, please can you stop."

This is a good suggestion.

Maybe I'm a wuss, but I'd top
And tail it with something warm such as "I'm so happy for your pregnancy" and at the end "let's not let this spoil the office atmosphere, we don't need to speak about this again".

@Thirtyflippingone

I also don't want to end up shouting or crying, as I genuinely think she is actually trying to upset me, and I don't want to give her the satisfaction of seeing me lose it.

If you don't say something, she will continue for evermore. That's the reality. So you either say something - no need to shout, cry or swear - or you suck it up and end up being hounded out of your job. OP you will need to practise saying your piece in front of the mirror and then say it to her face, hopefully in the presence of other colleagues who will vouch for you maintaining calm and a reasonable demeanour. But you MUST do it.

Fuck talking to her first, she knows exactly what she’s doing, the nasty bitch. Go straight to management, tell them you’re being bullied (which you are, what she is doing is horrible!) and don’t leave any details out. Make a sort of log of comments etc if you can.
There’s no way she should be able to get away with treating you like that. I’m sorry she’s being so vile.

I would ask her to stop.
I wouldn’t say please. Or sorry. Just.

I’m now officially asking you stop commenting on my uterus. If you do it again I’ll go to management / HR.

And write down what she said at the times she said it. Timed and dated.

And do go to HR or your manager.

@draughtycatflap

“I bet you’re not looking forward to having a fanny that looks like a kebab run over by a garbage truck!” Then waltz off in triumph.

Don’t say this.

I would be going straight to the manager / HR with this, not making digs that she will use to accuse you of bullying.

Just say in a flat and factual tone
Its rude and unprofessional to make comments or question colleagues about this issue in the workplace. Please stop.

Do it when there are some witnesses and the next time (if there is) go to your manager

You could fight fire with fire:
"You're right, I only really have 15 years left to get pregnant - I'd better hurry up! But not TOO soon as I feel terribly sorry for anyone who is pregnant right now. It must be SOOO hard for you, with all the worries about covid, and the economy collapsing around us. My friends with babies have missed out on so much - scans, having partners in hospital, baby groups. And then there's the worry about catching covid while pregnant, that must be a CONSTANT worry as you just don't know what will happen do you? And then, once you're back at work, you'll e taking off so much time unpaid as whenever the baby gets a cold you'll be self isolating. It's a complete nightmare isnt it really!"

I feel for you I was in a similar position years ago.
I realised afterwards she knew or had guessed i had a problem that's why she did it.
When I eventually went to HR she told them in her culture women who got married had babies very soon after and it was a gesture of friendship to ask how that was going

I explained during the discussion with HR that we weren't friends I didn't know her and I wanted it to stop.

It might have been my tone but they fed that back in such a way that she left me alone and the smirking and slight giggling stopped

I would agree with what a previous poster has said, she is perhaps a little worried/sad that she's gotten pregnant too young and so is trying to make herself feel better by making you feel bad.

She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Definitely write down the time, date and exact words every time she makes one of these comments. Present it to your boss once you have a lot of examples. Also you might need to snap and tell her it's none of her fucking business and to fuck right off. I know it's hard if that doesn't come naturally to you but she needs put in her place, nasty creature.

No I am trying for financial security and sleep. You'll miss that in a few months, the sleep that is... unless you carry on with your sarcastic remarks, then you might miss financial security when they question whether you're correct for this role as you can't seem to behave like an adult and they may need to find someone else more suitable for the position.

Is there a colleague you trust to explain the situation to, and maybe have them say something next time she starts.

"Jesus Christ, Becky. Stop going on about Thirty and her uterus!"

Or something. I know I'd stick up for someone in that situation.

"Report her for harassment. You can say to HR that it’s discriminatory on the basis of gender. She wouldn’t speak to a male colleague like this."

NO. It's harassment on the basis of SEX not gender. Gender is not a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act, SEX is.

Go to your line manager/HR and be factual. Otherwise she will play the pregnancy card and they won't touch her.

“x, you clearly have a lot to look forward to so it surprises me that you’re always bored enough to ask such tacky questions. Most people know how rude and tacky it is to ask questions like that so I’m suprised it’s gone over your head. I have a lot on today so let’s leave it there”.