Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

I am only joking about the forehead flicking, itm ight not be career enhancing

Annoying but if you always laugh you cant expect her to know she is being so annoying

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, OP. I went through years of infertility and so many insensitive questions. I used to put up with it, but as I got older, I got bolshier and called people out on it.

Maybe something like “Please stop asking me such personal questions, it’s highly inappropriate” would work?

I used to find saying “That’s a very personal question. Why on earth do you want to know that?” in a slightly too loud tone was quite effective. You could add a head tilt and tinkly laugh if you like.

I'd tell her you have no intention of having children because you can't stand them and can't imagine anything worse than being kept awake for hours on end by a screeching child - whether you feel that way or not.

Some of the suggestions here I'd be very careful with.

All the mentions of how you should question her about being covered in sick and poo, doesn't she worry about her weight or her husband leaving her...

If I walked on on only the latter half of a conversation and heared someone saying this kind of stuff to a pregnant woman I would 100% be reporting them for it.

Probably wiser not to put yourself in that position, however tempting.

You owe her no explanation whatsoever @Thirtyflippingone

I'd simply walk away every time she makes a comment and I'd do it in a way that attracts attention so that even if others haven't noticed what she's said so far, they will start to notice if everytime she does it you walk away, get up from your desk, leave the room or if none of that is possible simply turn your back on her. Don't speak or say a word though - actions speak louder than words!!

and if all else fails, do as @snugglepuff suggested and flick her on the forehead

I remember a woman who considered herself very upper class asked me if my pregnancy was planned!

I did the same, laughed along. I cannot believe i did now. I was more cross with myself. I should have said "well they dont teach questions like that at finishing school!"

I wouldn't turn it around on her, I'd say something like, "I feel like I need to tell you that it's really rude and insensitive to ask people about when they're having a baby. How do you know they've not just had a miscarriage or something like that? You could really upset someone. And it's just really unprofessional."

That is not bullying though. She is obsessed with pregnancy right now and in that mindset thinks it'd be a tragedy for you to miss this. You have to communicate to her that it's not on the cards now. It'/s not a great world to bring a baby in to imo. Pandemics, zoonotic viruses, climate crisis etc

She sounds too immature and stupid to be having kids. At least your kids whenever you have them will be raised by someone who has a brain.

I'd talk to the manager about it. She probably thinks she can get away with this right now because she's pregnant and has extra rights in the workplace, but that doesn't mean she has to be a complete bitch to everyone without consequences.

Report her without fail.

If you hate confrontation, you probably can’t do any of the suggestions here or you would have already said something.

I think the best strategy is to show how upset her comment has made you, especially if someone is around.

Stop dead in your tracks, look shocked, open mouthed, and feel free to start getting teary and then run off to the toilets for a cry.

If you don’t feel teary, just stand there shocked and say “wow! again.” And shake your head.

Seeing you upset might be her goal. So let her win her stupid prize and your coworkers will quickly be confronting her and reporting her to manager. Let her raise the issue of her behaviour by showing everyone how upsetting her words are to you.

Don’t play games or try and use some of the funny retorts (some of which have been brilliant though) you sound like you are likely to get flustered and there is a possibility that whatever you say may backfire on you with you being reported for bullying.

Mention it to management and let them deal with it.

She'd get 'shut the fuck up and mind your own business about my personal life' from me. Followed by a detailed explanation about why it's incredibly rude and intrusive to make these kind of questions. AND I'd complain to HR about her. I hate this kind of shit, your body, your reasons for procreating or not procreating, are your business alone. Silly cow.

"No, Colleague, not pregnant I enjoy anal too much to give it up," and walking away would be my personal approach but I'm a bombastic twat by nature. Instead possibly a more generic, "Look I am not sure whether it's concern for my welfare or some other reason but do you realise you're bringing this up every week/several times a week? You're my colleague, this is a professional working relationship and I don't ask you personal questions about your sex life. I'd appreciate it if you would show me the same professionalism." If she continues after that very clear warning then it's manager time :)

@Brunt0n

“Why are you so obsessed with me?” Is good! “Are you quite alright? You seem really fixated on this, that’s the 3rd time this week” with a tilted head and worried look

Yes I’d go with either of those as a good option!

I've been managing people for a good 20 years. I would hate to think anyone in my team was having to put up with this. If I was your manager I would totally understand if you came straight to me without challenging her or trying to log incidents. I'd pull her in swiftly and advise her to stay out of your way and consider carefully the way she speaks to others. If your manager has an ounce of compassion and common sense they'll do the same.

"Is it my sex life or my medical history which particularly interests you?"

That usually worked to embarrass people into silence

As PPs have said, any childish, passive aggressive retorts on your behalf could lead to her turning all this around on you. Keep a note of what she has said, tell her once firmly that her comments are inappropriate and intrusive, she needs to stop. Don’t jump in saying you’ll report her to HR just that she has made you uncomfortable and it needs to come to an end.
The next time she does it, raise it with HR / management.

Also, DONT LET HER GET TO YOU! I know it’s hard OP but the fact she’s making these comments to you goes to show she’s missing something in her own life. Terrified of motherhood probably, every time she’s made these comments she’s probably felt self conscious and instead of internalising and dealing with it, she’s lashing out. Pity her, don’t fear her.

Feel bad for her partner, stuck with somebody like her.

As tempting as the forehead flicking and explosivelypointing out how insensitive she’s being suggestions are, I’d go for a strictly factual, non disclosing comment, then straight to management if she continues. I’d also make a note of what you say and ideally say it in front of witnesses.
‘No more comments about my personal plans please, Stella’
If she flounders and says ‘I was just chatting’ or seeks reassurance again keep it short and neutral and don’t get drawn into a tit for tat,
‘Nothing more to discuss, I just asked you for no more personal comments’ and repeat the same phrase.
That way if you have to take it to management and/ or she says you snapped at her or feels bullied you have a very clear description of what you said.
she sounds awful.

That is not bullying though
Workplace bullying is defined as:
a persistent pattern of mistreatment from others in the workplace that causes either physical or emotional harm.

It is absolutely bullying.

@littlepieces

No definitely don't give her anything to go on. You have to grey rock people like this unfortunately. Can you bear it a bit longer? She'll be buggered off on mat leave soon, I doubt she'll have the time or energy to pester you after she's had a baby.

This. The smile will likely be very much wiped off her face when reality bites

Considering what you have said about other colleagues who are childless not by choice, I think this has ot go to management.

Calmly list the comments she has made, point out that there is more than one childless person in the office and that her continued comments are offensive, but that you have no wish to respond as she will then cry and blame you, and you don't want to reveal your own personal details. Ask management to have a word.

and yes, I would call it bullying

When I read your OP I deep a sharp intake of breath, as I could not believe anyone felt it was OK to say that repeatedly.

Tell her you know she's still young but it's incredibly crass to discuss other women and their fertility battles.

If she tries to get more information, tell her that you are in a professional workplace and she really needs to learn to act as such. Personal lives are personal and she has no business knowing yours.

She sounds awful. I would also want to flick her in the head 😂