Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

Tell her you don’t want any children as they ruin careers and you would never jeopardise yours like that.

[DrinkFeckArseGirls]

What a dumb thing to say! It's not bullying or even harrassment if the OP is 'laughing off' the comments.

[Notarealmum]

@TeachesOfPeaches

Not sure why you would speak to your manager or HR about this, what do you expect your manager to do?

If she asks again, just say that you've already answered. Is pregnancy making her forgetful?

Agree. I know this is very upsetting for the OP, but do people really report this kind of thing to HR? Genuinely wondering......

[laidbacklife]

She sounds very childish. Perhaps you should mention that time is running out for her to grow up before she becomes a mother. Tick tock!

[LittleRen]

What odd behaviour. Could she be resentful of the fact you aren’t pregnant? On the gave it if she may be pleased but who knows underneath... sounds like you are in professional roles. Is she threatened by you? Worried about missing out on promotions so is giving you grief about not being pregnant.

Just seems very odd.

[itchyfinger]

I think a short, sharp "mind your own business" would do it. Shell feel embarrassed and wont bring it up again.

[interest12]

@AntiHop

She's being a right pain in the arse. I'd start with telling her firmly to stop. I'd that doesn't work, then talk to your manager.

Yes this. Say exactly “can you stop asking about my womb”

[Penners99]

Tell her you are psychic and that you are very sorry for what she will have to go through.

Then just say ODFOD when she asks for more details

[StopMakingATitOfUrselfNPissOff]

I’d be tempted to go for a big sigh and ‘this again!’

Or a massive, pointed, comedy yawn.

That way you aren’t engaging, she can’t ask follow up questions. Just keep repeating it.

I would also definitely speak to your manager. If one of my team came to me with this I would definitely take it seriously.

I definitely wouldn’t comment anything that could be used against you. Regardless of her behaviour you don’t want to give anyone an opportunity to say you’ve behaved badly.

I hope you’re ok OP btw, I remember these sorts of comments and I found it really difficult

[Hollyhocksarenotmessy]

Why do you keep asking me to validate your choice to have a baby? Are you having second thoughts?

[Landlubber2019]

I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that

This really struck a cord with me, my job share when pregnant became very very unpleasant, like you I tried to suck it and count day the days until they went off. But it didn't work though, I put their mental health well being over my own in order to avoid confrontation but it was like my failing to address the issue just enabled her more so it got worse....

I ended up in a mediation meeting, where I still tried to pacify them, thankfully though they rejected this and wanted to talk it all through....by confronting the person with the support of a manager, the comments completely stopped! Good luck and I hope this helps!

[Dumbo18]

Pregnant or not tell her to mind her own fucking business

[SnowdogFarts]

Ugh, I hate her for you, OP. I am also childless, my choice, and I am sick of having people questioning my choice, like it's any of their fucking business. I don't actually mind if people ask if I have kids, or even why not when I say no, it's the further "but why, but why, but why's" "you've just not met the right person yet, you'll change your mind (I'm late 30s, I don't think so), are you not worried about having no one to look after you when you are old?" (I can't think of a more selfish reason to become a parent!)

Speak to your manager as she is harassing you, and possibly touching on the discrimination characteristics by using your age and gender to bully at you.

[StiltonVanDeKamp]

Don't play games with her, make comments on her pregnant body or jokes about her life being over etc as some have suggested. She could go to HR and report it on the basis of bullying a pregnant woman.

You don't owe her any kind of explanation. I'd be firm, and state the facts. You could try something along this lines of:

'Please stop commenting on my reproductive status. I find it intrusive and inappropriate to do this in the workplace. I don't wish to discuss this further'.

One more comment, or if she pushes you for an explanation, go straight to management.

I'm sorry this is happening to you, she sounds like an insensitive tool.

[Pumpertrumper]

OP this is not ok.

Personally I would speak to HR and then construct an email (copying in manager and HR) something along the lines of.

X, whilst I am thrilled for you and your pregnancy I would like to respectfully ask you to stop making frequent comments about my lack of pregnancy.

I find it in appropriate to have my body/personal choices commented on in a professional environment and this has unfortunately become a regular, and often public, occurrence.

I will also ask you to also be mindful that there are women in this office who have suffered infertility and loss. Several of you comments towards me have been made within easy ear shot of these women and I feel it is very insensitive towards them and could cause distress. Whilst I do appreciate your concern over my age, fertility, body clock and impending lonely spinsterhood (all of which you have now bluntly commented on to me) I must ask you to refrain from making further comments as I am starting to feel intimidated, harassed and bullied.

Once again, I am thrilled for you and your pregnancy but please stop commenting on my lack of one.’

SEND

Will she run off crying...probably

Will she have any recourse or a leg to stand on claiming she’s the ‘poor pregnant girl being bullied’ NOPE! That email spells out in black and white how shitty and unreasonable her behaviour is.

[GCAcademic]

“I’ve no wish to end up fat and boring, thanks”. Look pointedly at her when saying this.

[SnowdogFarts]

Excellent response from @Pumpertrumper!

[Pumpertrumper]

Also Fwiw I’m late twenties (27) in my second pregnancy and work with several women 20-65 who don’t have children.

Do you know what I don’t bring up??? WHY
Do you know why I don’t ask them why not? because it’s non of my god damn business!!

A couple have told me they either chose not to, or couldn’t. But I would never ever ask. One woman in her early/mid 30’s I know pretty well will occasionally chat to me about being worried she’s leaving it late. My response ‘Regardless of biology it’s got to feel right for you. If you’re not there yet don’t feel pushed it’s a massive decision you’ve got another couple of years’

[BadlyArrangedToasties]

This is wrong. She is harrassing you. As a senior manager I would want to know about this and I would deal with it swiftly. There is no way I would want one of my direct reports feeling the way you do. Don’t play games, don’t create any drama and don’t feel like you have to “let her know you don’t like it” before telling your manager. Just go report. If she asks again before your manager talks to her just say “it’s none of your business and walk away. Seriously, she sounds god awful. How was she before she got pregnant? This is totally inappropriate, unprofessional and bullying behaviour. All kinds of wrong. Report.

[Roselilly36]

Very strange behaviour & I can see how it could upset you & get you down OP.

My advice would be to ignore comments, don’t engage, you don’t need to reply to her comments.

Personally, I wouldn’t involve HR, if I could avoid it.

[littlepieces]

No definitely don't give her anything to go on. You have to grey rock people like this unfortunately. Can you bear it a bit longer? She'll be buggered off on mat leave soon, I doubt she'll have the time or energy to pester you after she's had a baby.

[Flamingolingo]

Ugh. So rude. I have two small children and I have recently moved jobs - I have two colleagues I can think of in particular who are probably close to the end of their fertile years. I know that they don’t have children, but there is no way I would bring the subject up. There are many reasons that might be the case, from not having met the right person, not being able to, to not wanting to. And it’s absolutely none of my business.

I once returned from mat leave to a role where I worked closely with another woman who had experienced several recent miscarriages and was undergoing surgery to try to enable her to stay pregnant. As far as I know it was unsuccessful, which is a shame because she would be a great parent. I also have had other older colleagues for whom the whole pregnancy thing didn’t happen, and that was personally difficult for them.

In general I am honest about my parenting life, trying to tread that fine line between painting a picture that actually reflects the joy and woe, but isn’t quite complaining. The aforementioned colleagues (who after many years are now friends) have previously said that they appreciate that - they are neither shielded from my experience nor do I feel the need to sugar coat it. They feel included.

But I would never assume that anyone else wants to be a parent, or that their life experience is any of my business. I would listen to anyone who wanted to share their story, but I would never ask.

She is being unbearably rude, at best insensitive at worse an outright bully. Please discuss with your manager.

[GnomeDePlume]

Head tilt, 'You seem obsessed as that is the sixth time you've said something similar this week, is everything okay?'

Look concerned, really concerned (you may need to practice this in the mirror )

When she says 'oh I'm fine' or similar just reply 'Okay' but look doubtful. Follow this up with worried glances in her direction throughout the day.

On the other hand go straight to the forehead flicking

[HappenedForAReisling]

@snugglepuff

Flick her on the forehead then tell her to fuck off

I tried this on myself to see if it's really that bad. It is. Do it.

[Tomcullenisahero]

I think the fact that you've said she has cried at work previously would make me cautious to confront her, she night run off and turn it round that your being unkind to the pregnant lady. Personally I would be quite direct with her and said I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't comment on my life choices, however I would speak to my manager first so that s/he is aware of the situation. That way if she runs off crying that you've upset her, then at least your manager knows the score.