Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

@CJsGoldfish

OP said she doesn't want to say anything to her directly and it needs to be documented or hr can't do anything The grown up thing is to raise the issue with the colleague. Run off to HR and the colleague would rightfully say that she had no idea OP found it upsetting because she was laughing along. It won't be the pregnant colleague that comes across badly. Ask the colleague to stop and it's a different story if you have to go to HR because she doesn't.

It is absolutely bullying
No it' not. Would be if the colleague was aware of any upset and continued but, for all she knows, OP enjoys the ribbing because SHE LAUGHS IT OFF.

I agree with you, I would've told her to stop the first time she said anything but if OP won't do that her only choices are to put up with it or speak to her manager or hr.

I would say "Would you ever just f* off?".

Then she might just get the picture without you having to go into detail!

Do it before she goes on ML, otherwise she will keep on when she comes back.
If she brings it up again after you speak to her make a complaint about her for harassment.

To clarify, I agree with the first part of your post. Not the second part.

Personally I think you should speak to your manager first to give them a heads up incase when you say something she runs off crying for sympathy. It seem as though either you or your manager are going to be the ones that give her the life lesson that it is never nice to ask unless told and its none of her business
Depending on how I felt you either need to give her a personal rebuff or a general one. Personally I would be a bitch for shock factor and say "oh thank you for all your comments, i need to speak to him indoors as he may be putting it in the wrong hole!" Or if you are feeling evil, say you have a secret, and wind her up, and say "i was born a man and whether that is true or not is how much my womb is non or your business!" Or in general calmly explain to her that while she is obsessed about being pregnant, the status of any other female being pregnant or not is non of her damn business ever

@FredtheFerret

It's difficult if you don't like confrontation, but if it were me I'd take a deep breath and say to her What you are doing is really unkind. Have you actually considered that I might desperately want children and have had problems conceiving? Why on earth would you make comments like this to anyone? Stop now, or I'll be raising a complaint about it.

I'd then pick up my bag and go and have a little cry in the toilets. Hopefully she'll be shame faced when you return. If she tries to bring it up again - or even apologises - I'd say that's fine. Change the subject now.

This would be the perfect way to deal with it. That's awful, poor you. She has no right to keep on and on. People have all sorts of reasons for not being pregnant, it's not always just as easy as deciding you want a baby and getting pregnant.

DD was born very prematurely and we both nearly lost our lives. We desperately wanted another baby, and it's taken me 11 years to begin to come to terms with the fact that we won't. It still gets me when I see mums doing the school pick up from the primary school next door, with another baby in a pram. Every single time we see DH's cousin she interrogates me about when we will have another, and last time we saw her she went too far and told me I was being selfish for not giving her a sibling. I said "it would be selfish if we DID try to give her a sibling, she could lose her mum AND the sibling if it was born as early or earlier than she was, and there is a high chance of that happening" and I just walked off and then burst into tears when I was alone. I have actively avoided her since.

The grown up thing is to raise the issue with the colleague. Run off to HR and the colleague would rightfully say that she had no idea OP found it upsetting because she was laughing along. It won't be the pregnant colleague that comes across badly.
Ask the colleague to stop and it's a different story if you have to go to HR because she doesn't.

Exactly. You have to raise it with her first, however much you dislike confrontation. If she does it even one more time after you've clearly told her it's upsetting and to stop then you can complain about her.

Nip it in the bud. When she has the baby it'll probably get worse. I'm sorry op this is really shitty.

@ThumbWitchesAbroad

"Report her for harassment. You can say to HR that it’s discriminatory on the basis of gender. She wouldn’t speak to a male colleague like this."

NO. It's harassment on the basis of SEX not gender. Gender is not a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act, SEX is.

Wish we could "like" posts on here.

I don't think you need to be as explanatory as some of the previous suggestions have been; if she is genuinely trying to get you to react, any hint of personal struggle will only encourage her.

I would talk to your immediate manager, explain what she's been doing (with the examples as in your OP) and if you're comfortable explain why it's upsetting.

Then next time colleague makes one of these remarks, don't laugh it off, don't smile, just say very firmly and clearly, "Please stop asking me personal questions". If she persists, drop the please - "I've asked you to stop the personal questions". If that doesn't work then go back to your manager and start a formal complaint for harassment.

for you Thirty

"Whenever people ask personal questions like that, I tell them it is none of their business"
If she doesn't get it the first time,
"I always tell people to mind their own business if they ask those sorts of questions"
If she still doesn't get it.
"Like I said before, mind your own business"

I am willing to bet she is one of those who, once they have had the baby will bang on about how motherhood has made her a better, more sensitive and caring, person.

Just tell her to fuck off and mind her own business??

Two can play that passive aggressive game she’s got going, if you don’t like confrontation then keep your jokey tone but wrap a final warning in there. ‘Going round and round on this topic again! Maybe I should have my voice recorder on next time you approach so we can start to keep a tally of how often you ask me this boring question! A penny for each time?’

And all the advice about the direct approach where you tell her you think it’s an unprofessional question for the workplace and you won’t be engaging anymore is great, if you can bring yourself to be direct!

Also, remember her behaviour comes from and reflects upon her, not you.

She knows nothing about your ambitions, preferences or reproductive status. It's easy for you to take her comments very personally but she doesn't know that. You need to turn this around.

Can't you start with something like 'look, I understand you're really excited about your pregnancy, it's lovely news and I'm really happy for you but honestly, I'm just not that interested in pregnancy and babies, can we talk about something else now?!'

I would just say "You need to stop with these kind of questions right now and learn about boundaries. I mean it. Stop".

If she challenges you respond "I am amazed you have got to your twenties without understanding that talking about other people's wombs is crossing the line. It's completely off limits ok. Not acceptable. Ever. Stop it."

You don't want to be unprofessional or confrontational. Speak to your manager off-the-record and in a personal capacity. Explain that there are a few people in the team who are childless including yourself, and pregnant colleague's comments are invasive and insensitive. Say something like, 'I'm sure she doesn't realise but it would be awful and messy for the company if one of her other colleagues escalated it to an HR complaint when she is pregnant so perhaps you could have a word or organise a training session on sensitivity?'

Are you in a job where you can say it by email? "Don't want to make a big thing of this and am thrilled your are pregnant but please stop making comments regarding my own fertility as it is very private and I am finding it upsetting."

I would give the manager a heads up and discuss with them how you can handle it in case it blows up. I would then deal with it by saying to the colleague “This is inappropriate in the workplace. Stop asking inappropriate questions or I will have to escalate this”

The thing is, at your age, I wouldn't have been feeling sensitive about this at all. I'd have thought she was being a self-absorbed idiot. I'd just have said something like 'Really? Well, I suppose that's a point of view. Good luck to you anyway!'

Don't get defensive. You've nothing to defend.

I'm so sorry you have had to endure this OP

Please talk to your Manager about this.

I'd be concerned that if you bring it up with her, she may play the victim and go to management about you confronting her, she also sounds like someone who may not take a hint very easily.

Honestly you need to focus on the fact that it is not appropriate workplace behaviour rather than feeding her trolling by giving reasons why you might find it upsetting. Even if you couldn’t care less, she is still behaving in an inappropriate way for the workplace. I think if you tell her you are upset, she’ll feed off that and she needs to recognise that she is being unprofessional irrespective of your personal situation.

@lottiegarbanzo

The thing is, at your age, I wouldn't have been feeling sensitive about this at all. I'd have thought she was being a self-absorbed idiot. I'd just have said something like 'Really? Well, I suppose that's a point of view. Good luck to you anyway!'

Don't get defensive. You've nothing to defend.

Are you also unable to get pregnant like the op? Do you think that might affect how you respond to that sort of comment?

The snidy little bitch is obviously lacking elsewhere in her life to be doing this. I'd tell her bluntly it's inappropriate and none of her business. If she continues, I'd definitely raise it with a manager.

What I would not be doing is saying anything at all about my own fertility, or anything relating to is at all. It is none of her business. Do NOT 'let her in' to your private life. Do NOT say you find her words upsetting. That's giving her a way in, which she will exploit. She's nosy. She'd probably love to be able to pity you, loudly and often.

You could just go with 'that's a very personal question, isn't it?' But really, I'd just block and reflect it back to her. 'That's really none of your business, is it?'.