Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

If it wasn’t in a work environment I’d fire back a little jibe like “nah I’m just not ready to give up my freedom, ruin my body and put my career on hold, you sure you are doing the right thing doing this so young? I still have a lot more living to do before I get tied down with kids, I’m sure you’ve thought about that though”.

Given it’s a work environment I’d not open up any suggestion that you are struggling etc it’s none of her business but just shut the conversation down right away, if she carries on go to your manager.

Speak to your line manager or HR because manipulative bullies like that are very quick to DARVO and I wouldn't be surprised if you replied (justifiably!) with a quick witted response that so much as hints at her pregnancy she'd be crying maternity bullying.

Make a list of what had been said so far, continue with your list and in the meantime each time she does it have a neutral phrase available like 'I don't find your fixation with this topic to be appropriate for the workplace' or 'it's best not to push topics of pregnancy with colleagues. It's not appropriate for the workplace'.

RhymesWithOrange
She's right though. I never told my colleagues that I experienced fertility issues and some of my friends from work didn't tell everyone about their miscarriages.

Pointing out that an endless obsession with asking colleagues intrusive questions about their family planning is frankly unprofessional and could potentially cause hurt to several colleagues is reasonable.

I would just go straight to your manager OP and let them deal with it through the appropriate channels.

Don't try and comment back in case she complains and gets in first.

"I'm waiting for the right time. This is your right time, and that's great. But do we have to go through this every fucking day?"

She sounds like a complete cow, but it is just possible that she's 'only' massively thoughtless. I got a lot of it during my (sorry for the example) second visible pregnancy.

Sample convo:
"What are you having?"
"A boy."
"Another one? Oh dear, wouldn't you have preferred a girl?"

After a while, I took a deep breath and adopted this stock reply:
"After two miscarriages in six months I'm delighted to be having a healthy baby, actually. Of either sex."

Bit of spluttering, then no more questions.

I like the 'had you considered that you've no idea what's going on in people's lives' approach.

I'd go straight to your manager. Any comment you make back is likely to be construed by her as bullying, and an employer is more afraid of maternity discrimination than it is sex/ age discrimination (of which her comments are both).

@Brunt0n

“Why are you so obsessed with me?” Is good! “Are you quite alright? You seem really fixated on this, that’s the 3rd time this week” with a tilted head and worried look

The adult thing to do would be to ask her to stop outright. You could be blunt.

I'm one of those people on the internet that drafts emails for others, sorry:

"Do you realise that you've asked me about getting pregnant repeatedly and in fact this is the [x] time this week? I am guessing you don't mean to be invasive or unkind but it is coming across that way. I had a friend who did this about another life event and the reason, I discovered after speaking to her, was that she herself didn't feel supported in her choice at that time. If this is similar to how you feel also - I am sorry and I am happy to talk about that (if you are). But I don't want to discuss my own plans in this area and I trust this won't come up again, now that I've mentioned it. "

This is to the point and assumes you want to be firm but stay on good terms with her.

There are some really weird suggestions here.

Next time she starts, roll your eyes, mutter "fucking hell not this again" then say to her "I'm not discussing this topic. Don't ask me about it again"

Don't make up false reasons or any of the other odd things people are suggesting with notebooks or any of this other bollocks about sitting down and explaining it making shit up. Just firmly tell her no. And if she does it again say "I've asked that we not discuss this topic"

@Brunt0n I do actually like you're approach. Sorry. That wasn't a criticisim.

This would really annoy me too.

I'd play the faux-sympathy tactic too.

Sympathetic head tilt: "You know you don't need to justify your choices to me. So what if you've chosen to get pregnant much earlier than most women? So what if it means your career suffers irreparable damage before it's even started? So what if it means money's tight and you have to really cut back on luxuries? So what if you've chosen to be tied to a baby rather than going on holidays and out partying and enjoying your twenties like i and a lot of other women did. It's your life, you don't need my approval. Are you ok?"

I wouldn’t even say about it being unkind or insensitive. I would merely say “this is not a conversation I wish to have, please do not raise this again”

If she raises it again a simple “I have already stated I do not wish to discuss this topic with you” and then speak to your manager.

You don’t need to justify your life choices or explain about any health issues. It’s none of her damn business.

"dude you asked me that yesterday? What's the obsession? Seriously I swear as soon as someone gets knocked up the baby rabies hits and it's all they can talk about... Anyway, dial down your hormones, have you heard from marketing about xyz? You need to..."

It's pretty obnoxious, I'll admit 🤣

@snugglepuff

Flick her on the forehead then tell her to fuck off

This 😄

I agree with others, you need to firmly tell her to stop mentioning it.

'There are plenty of reasons why women may not have children, none of which are any of your business. I am asking you now very clearly to stop raising this with me otherwise I will raise a formal complaint.'

You can't go to your manager without having clearly asked her to stop.

OP said she doesn't want to say anything to her directly and it needs to be documented or hr can't do anything
The grown up thing is to raise the issue with the colleague. Run off to HR and the colleague would rightfully say that she had no idea OP found it upsetting because she was laughing along. It won't be the pregnant colleague that comes across badly.
Ask the colleague to stop and it's a different story if you have to go to HR because she doesn't.

It is absolutely bullying
No it' not. Would be if the colleague was aware of any upset and continued but, for all she knows, OP enjoys the ribbing because SHE LAUGHS IT OFF.

She sounds like a nasty, smug person. This is definitely bullying. I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of a verbal response tbh. I'd wait with baited breath as she receives an email from your manager/HR calling her in for a meeting to discuss inappropriate behaviour/remarks. That'll knock the wind from her sails. I'd go round and ask colleagues if they could verify what you've experienced and ask if they'd be happy to back you up when needed (you will need them because she'll accuse you of all sorts to cover up her shit behaviour).

She sounds incredibly rude and insensitive. Your colleagues must have overheard her. I would talk to them about it. Someone will almost certainly have a strong word with her. I know I would . If she still doesn't shut up, I would speak to your line manager.

I would have said at least I had my 20s free...not up to my eyes in shitty nappies and screaming babies

I got to enjoy myself

Option 3: Speak up for yourself.

'I've had enough of your remarks about my reproductive status. They're not helpful and they're not funny. They stop now.'

Could you just email her. A polite but firm email reminding her you come to work to work, not listen to remarks about your fertility, which is none of hers or anyone's business. I hate confrontation, but am good with emails etc.

I used to get really hacked off when people said to me 'you won't have anyone to look after you when you're old.'

Surely, that is the most selfish way of thinking and a selfish reason to have a child? Don't we have children to let them go eventually and make a life for themselves? Not to 'pay us back' for changing their nappies and cleaning up their sick when they were babies.

Argh! I think you really need to say to her (politely, as I'm sure you would) that you do not wish to discuss this for one minute more. If she raises the subject again, you will go to your manager as this is harrassment. I bet she hasn't continually badgered the men in your office about when they will become fathers, has she.

@BlueCatRedCat

Get yourself an exercise book/ledger. In big black sharpie, title the book, "MY BIG BOOK OF WORKPLACE SEX AND AGE DISCRIMINATION EXPERIENCE". Draw 3 columns: Date, Commentator, Comment. Next time she makes a comment, write it in your book. Make a point of getting the book out and writing it down. Ask her to repeat what she said so you have got it down correctly. Then smile sweetly and say nothing else.

Seriously, though, keep a record so that you can show a pattern of behaviour, and flag this with HR now.

This is my favourite comment!

It depends what kind of person your manager is. In a way it's something you have to knock on the head yourself. If you cant bring yourself to do the laughing 'ha ha ha' thing any more I think you have to say something more direct - seems like she is totally insensitive - is she being mean, or just 'teasing'. It amazes me that some women seem not to know anyone who's had difficulty conceiving... Practise some of the come-backs here. I agree though, you don't want to give her any 'ammunition' like letting her see you're upset. Could you pretend not to hear next time she says anything? I had a colleague who used to always say 'huh?' a few times to a busy body and by the time they had repeated the question a few times, she would feel calmer and able to say 'FFS MYOB' or similar. The best colleague I saw for coping with things like that, or that kind of person - she'd say 'huh?' a few times, pretending to be busy with something, and then she'd just laugh and say 'ha ha ha'. Good luck OP - as someone who went through years of fertility treatments these kind of comments would have totally wound me up, plus having to look at your colleagues bump every day. Could you wear headphones. Try and switch off and 'grey rock' her - no reaction whatsoever. Maybe she senses there's "something" there and she's pushing you, or probably she is just a c*

I know it's hard and you don't like confrontation but she is being unbelievably rude and unprofessional. You need to say to her something like:

It is none of your business what my reproductive plans are and hugely insensitive to keep asking someone such intensely personal questions. I don't wish to discuss my uterus with you or anyone else. If you bring this up again I will raise a complaint about you.

It is absolutely bullying
it' not. Would be if the colleague was aware of any upset and continued but, for all she knows, OP enjoys the ribbing because SHE LAUGHS IT OFF.

That is not right. Most victims of bullying laugh it off - in public, at least.