Feel bullied by my pregnant colleague

[Thirtyflippingone]

I've name changed for this, as it's embarrassing and potentially outing.

One of my colleagues is currently pregnant, and without fail, a few times every week, she will randomly bring up the fact that I haven't had children yet. She says things like:

"Are you not pregnant yet Thirty? Tick tock"

"Do you not worry about your body clock and running out of time?"

"You don't want to leave it too late".

"You want hurry up and get pregnant, you're nearly 40!" (I am thirty fucking one, she is mid 20s).

"You want to get a move on and get pregnant already, you don't want to end up a lonely old woman".

"Don't you worry about not having anyone to look after you when you're older?"

"Are you going to apply for the promotion? You might as well if you're not planning on getting pregnant anytime soon".

I usually laugh off her comments with "one day, just not yet" or "haha, think I've got a few fertile years left yet". But the truth is that I am unable to get pregnant atm, for reasons I don't want to discuss with her, anyone at work, or on this thread. I do want kids eventually, and being reminded of my "body clock" and my body's current shitty state several times a week is stressing me out and upsetting me tbh.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation; I am a people pleaser, and hate confrontation. I am counting down the weeks until her maternity leave starts, but it's not for a while yet and I'm not sure I can go on like this. I cried in the toilet the other day after one of her remarks. I feel pathetic for saying that I feel like I'm being bullied by her, but I genuinely do feel like that.

I know I should just say something like "could you please stop asking me about my womb", but I'm not sure how to phrase it, and embarrassed to say that I'm scared I would end up crying if I did say something like that. This girl is also really nosey, so she would want to know why I was bothered about it. Ugh.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager about it, but worried she'll think I'm being ridiculous. I'm a professional woman in my thirties, why am I letting this get to me so much?!

YABU = suck it up for the next few months and keep laughing it off.

YANBU = talk to your manager about it.

Cut out the first and last bit of this so it reads like you may have typed it to a friend. Then show your manager and say you wrote this down wanting to ask your friends opinion but couldn't bring yourself to send it, and thought it might be best to show them instead. YANBU that womans a dick and needs telling.

I think you need to accept to yourself that this is not OK for you, and while the content of what she is saying is particularly hurtful for you, it's the fact that she is picking on a sensitive issue and continually guilting you. She could be talking about your weight and asking you why you aren't on a diet. It's still something that triggers an emotional response and is not something you have to discuss at work.

I imagine you are someone who dislikes confrontation and so far this has all been very informal and jovial, but having let her get away with it for so long, it might feel like you're blowing up out of the blue. When in fact it has been the constant build up of many microaggressions.

I agree with FredtheFerret and would practice that script in my head and have it prepped the next time she says something.

You can just shorten it to the below. It lets her know that you feel she is being insensitive and that she needs to stop saying it to you.

"What you are saying is actually really unkind/insensitive. Why on earth would you make comments like this to anyone? Stop now, or I'll be raising a complaint about it."

If you want to avoid a direct conversation and set boundaries about the fact that this is a topic you are uncomfortable with, then you can even make up some third party story, and say actually you have a friend who is going through infertility right now, and it is a very scary and upsetting time for her. Then you can drop in to this conversation that you feel like it should be obvious to most adults that fertility can be a very private torture that people don't like to talk about, and we shouldn't make flippant remarks to women about childbearing choices.

This might deflect the conversation from focussing on your personal feelings and the process you are going through. And you can still tell her straight that the things she is saying are insensitive and hurtful.

FGS really ? report her to HR ? Are you unable to say to her - look I am very happy for you and your baby but you keep on referring to me and it is upsetting as I am unable to have children. ( whether true or not - anything to make her shut up) Professional but you can't deal with this ? If I were HR I would be thinking WTF !

I worked with a woman who was similar. She seemed to think that she was the very first woman to ever get pregnant and shared every detail. Every. Detail.

I eventually told her that I knew she was excited, that I was happy for her, but, her gestating had to be a focus during work hours.

I was there to work, not cheer lead her uterus. It was all very odd.

Talk to your manager today. This needs to be properly dealt with through channels most work places should have in place.

You don't want to leave any room for her to flip this around on you, and that's a big possibility if you might loose your cool through nerves. You also don't own her a disclosure about your fertility.

What she is saying is rude, personal and unacceptable. Being pregnant doesn't give you special permission to behave this way to people you work with.

As others have said, talk to your line manager. This is completely unacceptable. Also, could you do something about being less passive? I'm not blaming you, but if you could learn to be more assertive and work on boundaries, life would be much better.

I agree 100% with the poster who said you should turn it back to her.

So

HER: Are you not pregnant yet blah blah blah

YOU: (Slowly lowering your cup and looking her in the eye). OK. So I have been trying to understand your bizarre obsession with my life choices and constant need to challenge my perfectly normal status quo. Are you OK? Do you need to talk to a professional about your own pregnancy?

HER: Splutter - No I just think it's weird that you aren't pregnant yet. And you don't want to leave it.....blah

YOU: Interrupting. Stop! You see? This fixation is not healthy. I don't want to believe you would be rude enough to judge a woman whose personal circumstances you know nothing about, so i am choosing to believe that it is anxiety and not rudeness driving this constant barrage. Please can you find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve me unless you'd like to talk to me about something. I am a good listener and very happy to help and advise if I can.

Not exactly this, but in a way that shuts her up and gives you the moral highground.

@JellyStrudel

I would say - "I know that you are excited about having a baby, but others are in a different situation. It is coming across as insensitive, please can you stop."

No. Don’t say that. That is too people-pleasey. How the bully feels about having a baby is irrelevant. The situation that others are in is irrelevant. It “coming across as insensitive” is irrelevant. “Please can you stop?” is OK. But it’s better to just stay “stop”.

And yes a comment to a manager about how you are feeling about what she is saying may also be necessary. If you are feeling upset enough to cry in the toilets, then this behaviour is not acceptable.
I guess speaking to your manager about what she is saying will require you to admit that you have personal feelings about this, and might require you to talk about why you feel the childbearing comments are hurtful to you.
Does she say this to anyone else? If it is just you then it is bullying, if she says it to other people then she is an idiot and needs to be reminded of common decency and sensitivities to other peoples feelings.
Can you speak to other women and ask if they receive the same comments? Does she talk about this with the 30-year old men in the office? You could even consider what she is saying to you to be sexist if she isn't saying these things to your male colleagues.

She sounds unbearably smug.

What a dreadful cow. I wouldn't tell her anything about any issues you may have around having children. Just say something simple and short like, "I like to keep things professional at work. Please stop making personal remarks of this nature."

If she does it again, repeat the above with an added, "If you make remarks of this nature again, I will be raising a formal complaint." Don't engage further or listen to her false apologies (if she bothers to make any).

Sorry you have to work with such a horrible, pathetic person.

If she’s liable to cry and go to management if you respond to her, I’d go straight to HR. The tiktok comment especially is vile.

Then keep reporting to HR every time.

To her say, ‘please stop harassing me’. Has she asked many men when they’ll be fathering kids and commenting on the quality of their sperm as they age? Didn’t think so.

I really feel for you and have had this myself on numerous occasions. I’m a primary teacher and I’ve even had a colleague tell me that I don’t know what I’m doing because I’m not a mum (in front of the children too!) this was after many comments just like yours. I spoke to her privately and explained how hurtful and thoughtless her comments were. They come from a place of ignorance and spite and she needs to know. When this didn’t work I told my line manager - which had to happen as she was not only being hurtful but was undermining me.

I hope you can get through this and that she listens to you and stops the crass comments.
31 is still a good age, you have plenty of years ahead of you for family. I planned to start a family sooner but it’s not always as easy as that and it would have been wrong for me to settle and have children in some of the situations I found myself in over the years. Now I’m in my 40s and expecting twins! Good luck OP

Turn it round on her! I FULLY understand you wouldn't mean any of these if you said them to her but it might shut her up?

"are you not PETRIFIED about labour pain"
"Whats your plans to lose the baby weight"
"Hope your sleeping all you can now as you never will again"

etc etc. I know its petty but she sounds like a pita

Well, she’s certainly worked out that the topic gets a rise out of you and makes you upset and uncomfortable.

Like most bullies, she wants a reaction and you’re giving it to her every single time. It’s not your fault at all, but dealing with difficult people is a useful and necessary skill to learn. She won’t be the last tricky person you meet in the workplace.

You need to learn to be far more assertive, firm and set boundaries. You’re being evasive and that gives her room to attack you.

Be very straightforward. Practise saying a simple, calm, “that’s really none of your business, (insert her name)” in a low, authoritative tone while maintaining eye contact. And be a broken record, use the same phrase or a variation of it every single time she says something and then pointedly go back to work or walk away.

And, yes, talk to your manager to get some support and maybe access some courses on assertiveness and leadership. . But try to deal with her yourself; it will give you a big boost of confidence when you get it right.

@SlightlyJaded

I agree 100% with the poster who said you should turn it back to her.

So

HER: Are you not pregnant yet blah blah blah

YOU: (Slowly lowering your cup and looking her in the eye). OK. So I have been trying to understand your bizarre obsession with my life choices and constant need to challenge my perfectly normal status quo. Are you OK? Do you need to talk to a professional about your own pregnancy?

HER: Splutter - No I just think it's weird that you aren't pregnant yet. And you don't want to leave it.....blah

YOU: Interrupting. Stop! You see? This fixation is not healthy. I don't want to believe you would be rude enough to judge a woman whose personal circumstances you know nothing about, so i am choosing to believe that it is anxiety and not rudeness driving this constant barrage. Please can you find a way to deal with it that doesn't involve me unless you'd like to talk to me about something. I am a good listener and very happy to help and advise if I can.

Not exactly this, but in a way that shuts her up and gives you the moral highground.

The difficulty with this approach is that you are assuming she will respond in a particular way, this is wishful thinking, like you can direct her words and emotions like a film.

She could equally burst into tears and cry "bully". Or turn it into a joke.

It's much simpler to ask her to desist.

Possible answer - keeping the high ground AND not letting her see your hurt:
'' Look x - don't worry, you haven't upset me (I plan to keep my freedom and my figure a few years longer) but your questions are not tactful. In every workplace there are people who miscarried or who can't conceive and your remarks are very hurtful for them. You really should stop.''

@1WildTeaParty

Possible answer - keeping the high ground AND not letting her see your hurt: '' Look x - don't worry, you haven't upset me (I plan to keep my freedom and my figure a few years longer) but your questions are not tactful. In every workplace there are people who miscarried or who can't conceive and your remarks are very hurtful for them. You really should stop.''

This is not keeping the high ground, this is just plain nasty.

Get yourself an exercise book/ledger. In big black sharpie, title the book, "MY BIG BOOK OF WORKPLACE SEX AND AGE DISCRIMINATION EXPERIENCE". Draw 3 columns: Date, Commentator, Comment. Next time she makes a comment, write it in your book. Make a point of getting the book out and writing it down. Ask her to repeat what she said so you have got it down correctly. Then smile sweetly and say nothing else.

Seriously, though, keep a record so that you can show a pattern of behaviour, and flag this with HR now.

Get yourself an exercise book/ledger. In big black sharpie, title the book, "MY BIG BOOK OF WORKPLACE SEX AND AGE DISCRIMINATION EXPERIENCE". Draw 3 columns: Date, Commentator, Comment. Next time she makes a comment, write it in your book. Make a point of getting the book out and writing it down. Ask her to repeat what she said so you have got it down correctly. Then smile sweetly and say nothing else

I fucking love this

This of course is sheer fantasy but it would be so tempting to say "actually I self-identify as a man so to be pregnant would be weird" or wtte

Professional but you can't deal with this ? If I were HR I would be thinking WTF !

And that’s why you don’t work in HR, or if you do you should quit now.

It’s clearly bullying, or if it’s not then it’s incredibly insensitive and inappropriate workplace behaviour, and that’s exactly what HR are there to help deal with. Can you really not stretch your mind far enough to imagine why OP might feel incapable of raising it directly?

OP FWIW I agree with the people who’ve said raise it through official channels, with a record of what she’s said and when, as you don’t want to leave any room for it to be flipped round to make you the bad person.

I don’t think saying anything sarcastic or untrue or aggressive is the way forward for that reason.

If you do feel able to raise it directly, I’d say something short and really factual like ‘you keep making comments about my age and fertility, which is really inappropriate in a workplace context - and any context, actually. Please stop.’

"I'm just not ready to ruin my life yet" Tinkly laugh with a turn.

No don't do that, but that's what would be playing out in my head!

She said it in earshot of another colleague who is her 50s and childless not by choice.

This is your way in. Speak to your manager, explain what has been said and that, although you have tried to politely brush it off, she's not stopping. Then say your main concern is childless colleagues overhearing this garbage and pregnant colleague creating a hostile environment. No need to talk about your own circumstances; you are just a concerned colleague.

Although tbh your colleague sounds like a bullying toad and you'd be well within your rights to say something back to her asking why she's being so rude about something that isn't her business, but I agree with others she's trying to get a rise/ pry for information.