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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that a mum told me off after I told her child to stop pushing at playgroup today

115 replies

GColdtimer · 19/10/2007 12:19

I will try to be brief. dd (18 months) was in the wendy house. Another girl (about 3) also playing. She took the tea set away from dd, there was rustle and tustle, DD tried to get it back and the other girl pushed her so she went flying. I didn't think her mum was around so I said to her "don't push, its not very nice". Her mum then asked me who I thought I was, she had been watching her daughter, it wasn't up to me to tell her not to do something, etc, etc. Not wanted to cause a scene(or at least more of one) I took DD away from the wendy house and left shortly after.

What I wanted to say is that why didn't she tell her child to stop pushing if she saw it all and really, she should stop being so precious.

Personally I think people are far too precious about this kind of stuff and that if dd was behaving badly, I would expect someone else to tell her if I was not there.

Should I not have said anything? Who is in the right and who is in the wrong here? My friends said I was in the right, but then they would wouldn't they....

OP posts:

Easywriter · 19/10/2007 20:30

On the touching other peoples children front I feel I could be in trouble along with lovecat.

At our local park dd's are playing with a couplee of their friends in some bushes in the park (all fenced off, very safe, good height for climbing if you're abut 3 etc. etc. but can't be seen by parents easily. Suddenly there was lots of crying, I was closest and got in the midst of bushes to see a boy of about two howling having fallen off his tricycle. DD's and friends all standing close by looking concerned for him.

I couldn't stop myself from saying 'would you like a cuddle and we'll go and find your mummy' which he accepted. I just scooped him up into a huge hug. His mum was probably standing behind me at this point as she was there when I turned round to leave the bushes and she seemed OK that I'd tried to comfort her child instead of just finding her. I'm not sure I could leave a child crying even to find their mum.

Sadly, I know I did the wrong thing but I think it's sad that that's the way the world is today.

opinionateddad · 19/10/2007 20:39

I am the father of a nearly 4 year old girl... I try my hardest to teach her manners and respect for her peers, yes, yes I know she is a child blah blah blah.. but if you learn to respect others you can learn to respect yourself and all that jazz.

When going to those horrible hell holes that are excuses for playzones and ball pools I regulaly have to give assistance to her or her friends when 'little johnny who mother doesn't give a shit and is too busy chatting up the owner instead of paying her child any attention at all' is scratching and maliciously shoving all the other kids.... and we are no talking the normal knocks and bumps you should expect from kids....

.... thing is.. you think you got it bad.. you try 'gently handling' or 'moving' a child that is not yours as a bloke!!!... this is the fastest way to get the mothers attention and start idle tongues wagging...... infact on a few occasions I have found myself at the end of a torrent of abuse..

Always makes me chuckle inside... but I wont see my daughter or her friends abused by kids who are craving attention and find violence and aggresion a form of valium..

ok rant over...

kimibobbingforapples · 19/10/2007 20:40

YANBU
A while ago when DSs was much smaller we were at a play area where one little boy was being a real shite, pushing, hitting, kicking and biting other children while his mother sat and did nothing, He bit DS2 and drew blood and so I stuck my head in to the play castle and said very loudly "animals bite children do not, but if you bite DS again I will forget that I am not an animal and bite you"

Mother then rushes over and hugs little precious, so I pointed out to her that instead of sitting on her back side letting her child run riot she might like to parent him.

She left with her child and two other mothers came up to me and said "thank god someone said something her child was a nightmare" (um hello you were both sat there you could have said something when he was doing it to your children)

I have no problem with someone telling off my sons if they are doing something they should not.

nappyaddict · 19/10/2007 20:47

easywriter i don't think you did the wrong thing at all. when i was 7 i fell off my bike outside a house where there was a man gardening. instead of going to get my mum from our house and scooped me up and carried me home. i would have been petrified if he'd left me with blood pouring from me to go and get my mum first.

tazmosis · 19/10/2007 21:01

YANBU - If another child is behaving badly and your dc is impacted and their parent doesn't intervene, then IMO you have every right.

booda · 19/10/2007 21:11

I know if my child pushed or hurt another child i want want her to know it was wrong to do that, and as long as it was said as though talking to a little person i wouldn,t mind her been "picked up" by another parent or elder, after all dont we all want our children to grow up to be decent and live happily with other people? I must say though i really dont like it if i,m there and people pipe in. I know my child more so-or am i techy?

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 20/10/2007 10:03

I was going to say what opinionateddad said. I think you're perfectly OK to help a child if you are female. If you're a male you're best to stay clear. Which is sad.

My dad once had to follow DS2 up the beach at a distance because he was screaming "mummy! Mummy!". He felt he couldn't pick DS2 up in case people thought he was kidnapping him.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 20/10/2007 10:04

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with someone helping my child, male or female.

Roarindrunk · 20/10/2007 10:21

I was in a plyground the other week , with my youngest age 5. He was playing with a group of slightly older children (perhaps 7 or 8 yrs old ). I was keeping a close eye on them I hadn't seen them before and they were playing with guns ( which I dont like , but thats another thread ! ).

there were all playing 'IT' whoch was fine and my little boy was OK. One of the older boys was IT and said to his mates , 'Lets get the little brat !', referring to my son . I knw they were saying it in the context of him being IT and not to mena any harm to him but I really didn't like the use of 'brat'.

Anyway when it was time to go , I called my son and walked passed the boy and said ' The only little brat round here is you '.

Not very mature but I felt better .

Roarindrunk · 20/10/2007 10:22

Oh - OP YANBU

JacOLantanne · 20/10/2007 11:02

I think it is okay to stop another child/speak to another child who is hurting your child, particularly if the mother is not present or not bothered about stopping it. It just depends how you do it. I had a Mum shaking a finger in dd1s face when she was 3 and speaking quite harshly to her - it really annoyed me. I try to keep it calm, polite but firm - I guess how I would like someone else to speak to my child. The only time I have ever spoken harshly to another child was when that child was about 10 and bouncing plastic balls off the head of my 2 year old - but that was because at 10 I felt she should know better.

So no, I don't think you were unreasonable.

DontCallMeBaby · 20/10/2007 11:44

Agreed with dragon - I've never felt the least hesitation in helping out a child, but I dare say DH might hesitate. I once lost DD in a shop (she'd wandered outside to go and find DH) and a 60ish man brought her back - shepherding her from a distance of no less than two feet, and the first thing he said to me was 'I haven't touched her'. I thought that was so sad.

SofiaAmes · 21/10/2007 09:26

How did you know the child was 3? When my dd was 19 months she was the size of a 3 year old and had the vocabulary of a 3 year old. And in fact often got mistaken for a 3 year old (and older) in the playground. However she still had the playsense of the age that she was. At that age, I would have been quite upset if someone else had told her off for "rustle tustle" over a tea set.
I find that the best thing to do when there is a child that is behaving inappropriately towards your child, is remove your child from the situation. And teach your child a lesson from the interaction (ie "see how bad that makes you feel when someone doesn't share...that's why you need to remember to share with other children") It's not really appropriate (and probably fairly useless) for you to be teaching lessons to the children of complete strangers.
Also, I believe, (and I do realize that I am probably alone in this) that my children need to learn how to deal with rough and tumble in the playground as it eventually prepares them for real life and they can't always be protected by me. Though so far this theory has only really worked with dd...she ends up being ds' protector even though he's 2 years older than her.

nappyaddict · 21/10/2007 13:23

but shouldn't even a 19 month old be told not to push??

omeN666 · 21/10/2007 13:29

agree even at 19mths it is fine. My youngest is 9mths and her and dd1 22mths get into the pushing and pulling stage now and I tell them BOTH its not nice.

OP YANBU I would expect any me other to tell my child they were not to fight/push and would do the same myself and have done on many occasions.

claireybee · 21/10/2007 13:43

At the toddler group i go to there is a 3 year old girl who frequently pushes and hits the other children. This isn't normal rough and tumble play, but is maliciously done (I don't like using the word malicious in association with a child but it really seems that way-for example on several occasions she has walked up to my dd, pushed her hard so that she falls over, and walked off again). She attends the group with her grandmother, who is oblivious to it all.

The first few times she hurt my dd, and i'm not talking just pushing her but leaving bruises on her arm and pulling out a handful of her hair, I told the grandmother, but all she did was say sorry to me and not reprimand the girl at all.

Since then I have told the girl off when she hurts my dd, and all the other mums there also do the same when she hurts their children. None of us shout at her or touch her, just tell her to play nicely, be gentle, be careful around the little ones etc.

If children are just playing and one gets knocked over etc, or if they get a bit overexcited and one gets hurt then I won't tell anyone off as i dont think it is neccessary in those situations. I will tell my dd to be careful though, and would tell other children to if their carers didnt.

I don't think it matters how old the children are, i don't think they are ever too young to learn to play nicely, share toys etc. If I didn't notice my dd knocking over/pushing/snatching a toy from another child I would expect her to be told off by the other parent, i would only object if they interfered when i was already reprimanding her.

SofiaAmes · 21/10/2007 16:18

I don't think it's appropriate for another parent to chastise the child of a complete stranger for not sharing (or anything that isn't inflicting injury). Remove your child from the situation or ask the offending child where their parents are and talk to the parents.

nappyaddict · 21/10/2007 16:25

i wouldn't for sharing either. but i would for something like hitting/shoving/pinching/biting

colditz · 21/10/2007 16:31

I have commented to my friend about a 10 ish year old boy repeatedly kicking a football into her pram. I told him to stop doing it right now, and he growled at me! So I commented to my friend that I was damn glad he wasn't mine ... and the woman sat next to me shrieked "That's my son you're talking about!"

To which I snarled "Really? I wouldn't have guessed it, from the complete lack of interest you've shown in his behavior!"

Yes. I really did, and my friend went scarlet and we had to leave because she was so embarrassed.

I have very little issure with the behavior of children - HOOJ issues with "Oh he's a very active child .." Yes, but his level of activity is completely unrelated to your lack of inclination to parent him in any way.

claireybee · 21/10/2007 17:46

I wouldn't just for not sharing, but if another child kept snatching something off my dd I would tell them both to play nicely together and share the toy. If my dd took it off another child however, I'd tell her only not to take things from others and give it back to the other child

Jacblue · 31/07/2008 20:51

I would have def stepped in and said something, gently but firmly, to the child - whether the mum was there or not. If the mum was there and saw it, but didn't believe in telling her own child off or only gives positive praise, she should have been a responsible adult and apologised to you and your dd on her child's behalf and explained. When you 'have a word' with a child over bad behaviour, it is as much for the benefit of the child who's been hurt as the one doing the hurting.

I would also like another parent to step in if my ds did something to hurt another child and Ididn't see it.

taokiddy · 31/07/2008 21:03

I would never tell someone else's child off. Have 4 of my own so do enough of that! Not my place - if someone doesn't think their child's doing something wrong - fine that's up to them. i HATE it if people so much as look at my children the wrong way. Children are children - they all have their moents ( as we all do!) and v scary to be told off by a complete stranger.

Twiglett · 31/07/2008 21:06

fairly certain the OP might have forgotten about it by now .. what with the thread being almost a year old.

how do people find aged threads like this?

ruddynorah · 31/07/2008 21:10

a lot of the time i just leave dd (aged2) to it if she's getting shoved about by bigger kids. i think she has to learn how to deal with such situations. she has figured out for herself who to keep away from at toddler group, and quickly figures out who to play with and who not to play with at soft play.

she'll come to me and say 'that girl not nice she pushing.' and i say well keep away from her and find somebody nice to play with, and off she trots.

she'll now even approach scuffles her friends get in and try to break it up. saying 'come away, he not nice.' or whatever.

of course if it was major violence then i would step in, but i'd speak to dd not the other child, and i'd cast my eyes for the parent of the aggressor.

KatieDD · 31/07/2008 21:14

I got told to fuck off by a 7 year old after telling him to stop throwing sand at my 2 year old, he got frog marched by the arm to his parents and told them all about it. They promtly smacked him around the head, I have never felt so awful in my life but what do you do ?

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