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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that a mum told me off after I told her child to stop pushing at playgroup today

115 replies

GColdtimer · 19/10/2007 12:19

I will try to be brief. dd (18 months) was in the wendy house. Another girl (about 3) also playing. She took the tea set away from dd, there was rustle and tustle, DD tried to get it back and the other girl pushed her so she went flying. I didn't think her mum was around so I said to her "don't push, its not very nice". Her mum then asked me who I thought I was, she had been watching her daughter, it wasn't up to me to tell her not to do something, etc, etc. Not wanted to cause a scene(or at least more of one) I took DD away from the wendy house and left shortly after.

What I wanted to say is that why didn't she tell her child to stop pushing if she saw it all and really, she should stop being so precious.

Personally I think people are far too precious about this kind of stuff and that if dd was behaving badly, I would expect someone else to tell her if I was not there.

Should I not have said anything? Who is in the right and who is in the wrong here? My friends said I was in the right, but then they would wouldn't they....

OP posts:
peskipixie · 19/10/2007 12:42

i think it is instinctive to tell another child to stop hurting your baby, i have done it before and i will do it again. have only shouted once at that was a repeat offender in the school playground who is actually now best friends with ds! would never touch another persons child tho and would be livid if someone touched mine unless they were actually preventing them seriously hurting someone (and i dont think this happens often)

Caroline1852 · 19/10/2007 12:43

I meant especially a child that is not my own.

Original poster
GColdtimer · 19/10/2007 12:47

I should have stepped in a bit earlier with something along the "lets all have a cup of tea" lines and I suppose telling her not to psuh was just an automatic reaction to a fairly hefty shove.

I think the fact her mum was there and she wasn't doing anything about it kind of indicates that this little girl probably isn't used to being told off much at all. It didn't phase her, I would have felt awful if she had started crying but she just looked at me.

Brangalina, perhaps I should have said that but already people were staring

OP posts:
Neverenough · 19/10/2007 12:48

Yes sorry Lulumama, that was naughty of me. In fact I agree that I would not be happy if anyone handled my child in such a way without my permission unless it was in an emergency. I would also, if I'm honest, be unhappy with someone else telling off my child if I was there-but that's because I would feel that I should be the one to do that-I do feel that a child who is rough with another-especially a much younger one-needs to be told that her behaviour is not acceptable.If of course, I had not responded because I had not seen the incident then provided that the other mother was nice to my child I would be gracious to her.I think.

StrawberryMartini · 19/10/2007 12:48

I think it's very sad that we have to think so hard before we say or do anything to anyone else's child. A child fell over on a climbing frame while I was on it with ds and I had to think twice before helping them up. Mum was nearby and thanked me but I'm sure many of us don't want to physically touch another parent's child for fear of implications.

UniversallyChallenged · 19/10/2007 12:49

All depends on your tone of voice though doesnt it? Written down the words look ok - but if it was said loud enough for another mum to hear ( you must of looked around, couldnt see her, so she wasnt that near) then maybe it was a little sharp.
I am more than happy to sip my coffee while someone else tells dc off if appropriate but I would get involved if dc had pushed another child or i felt the mum was going OTT

Neverenough · 19/10/2007 12:49

I agree StrawberryMartini it's the way of the world now though.

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 19/10/2007 12:50

There is a world of difference between picking up a fallen child and dragging one out of a toy car and giving him "a right talking to".

Easywriter · 19/10/2007 12:53

I think you're all too kind!

I don't hit my children, I don't expect them to hit and I certainly don't expect anyone to hit them.

I'd definately have stepped in and said something firm like 'Please don't hit, it's not nice , it's making dc sad' and if I'd been challenged by a parent I'm afraid they'd have got short shrift from me (obviously not if they looked like the violent type).

I'm not aggressive (most people seem to say I'm an exceptionally calm parent) but I won't tolerate violence and whilst it is normal for children to hit, I believe it should be the norm for them to have it pointed out that they shouldn't, what the consequences are and as they get older better ways to handle the situation that made them hit in the first place.

I don't mind my children being 'told off' by other parents so long as they are constructive and not aggressive about it.
How are children supposed to learn if we don't point out when they've done wrong.

By the way I'm with the poster who pointed out to those 8 year olds that if they hurt her daughter then it was her business!

Lulumama · 19/10/2007 12:53

what dragon said...you cannot , IMO equate touching a child because they have fallen, or need help , with pulling them out of a car to give them a talking to

it is the way of the world , that we do need to think twice, but you are more likely to get the sharp end of someones tongue for pulling child out of a toy than for administering CPR !

Easywriter · 19/10/2007 12:54

Gosh! Sorry it's evloved so much in the time i took to post.

StrawberryMartini · 19/10/2007 12:54

No you're right. I'm actually dreading when ds (now only 18 months) goes to school - if he gets bullied I'm sure I'm going to turn into the psychotic woman from The Hand The Rocks The Cradle. I never thought it would be possible to feel so protective over someone.

Brangelina · 19/10/2007 12:54

Twofalls, I'm quite short-sighted so never notice the staring until afterwards. Also I didn't think, her tone got my back up to I went into automatic "how dare you" mode. Some things just make me so indignant.

lennygirl · 19/10/2007 12:55

Message withdrawn

ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 19/10/2007 12:55

I would apologise to anyone who felt the need to tell my children off. I would lay into anyone (verbally!) who dared pull them in any way. Unless they were pulling my violent child off theirs.

Original poster
GColdtimer · 19/10/2007 12:57

I think you have made a good point lennygirl.

universallychallenged, there were lots of people there. I didn't know this child and so didn't know her mum and I just presumed she would have said something if she were.

Actually if she hadn't had seen the incident I would have sympathized more with her feelings. Thinking about in in hindsight, the fact she saw it and didn't intervene makes me think that this child behaves this way quite often and gets away with it.

OP posts:
Caroline1852 · 19/10/2007 12:58

I have stopped going to one mother and toddler group because there is a very rough boy who stops the Little Tikes traffic, hauls the drivers out of their vehicles, tosses them across the room and then proceeds to mow everyone down (adults included). We are all so British and polite that nobody says anything.

StrawberryMartini · 19/10/2007 13:00

Caroline that's sad. Too many of us turn a blind eye because we are worried of the consequences of saying something.

3andnogore · 19/10/2007 13:04

YANBU...sadly you and the other mum obviously held different opinions about what sort of behaviour is appropriate, etc...

You are just lucky that that mum still sounds civilised...a few days ago there was a right hoohaa at my ms's school...apparently 1 mum had told another child off, and that Kids mum wasn't happy about it and the "conversation" was going along the lines..."Go on then, lets get infront of the school gates then , and I'll batter you...." that made me think that that mums child might not be a complete angel and probably deserved teh telling off!

pistachio · 19/10/2007 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
GColdtimer · 19/10/2007 13:07

Blimey, that's awful. No we didn't get to the "meet you outside the church hall" stages

As you say, with parents like that no wonder their children don't know any better.

OP posts:
Lorayn · 19/10/2007 13:09

Only read OP, but not long ago I was at an indoor play area, they have an outside with plastic wendy houses. Dp and I were sat having a coffee watching DS (2.9) playing happily in this house, when three boys about 10/11ish started pushing it around, moving it, with DS inside.
I shouted over in my most teacherlike voice 'erm, I dont think you should be doing that do you? especially when there are young children in there' I was kind of expecting an irate mother/father to say something but no-one did, had they I most certainly would have stood my ground.

I also had a similar experience at a pub when we went for lunch one sunday, they had the 50p rides outside and I had promised DS and DD they could go on them, there were tow children clambering all over them, not paying for rides.
I stood next to them for a minute or two hoping their parents would tell them to come away whilst my kids had their turn, but no-one did, an adult obviously with them walked past them, and just ignroed the fact that we were obviously waiting, so in the end I asked the kids if they minded getting off just so DC's could have a turn, they did so happily, but again I thought I was going to be in for a mouthful.

As far as I am concerned, if a child is misbehaving and an adult is not doing anything about it, then I will say something, to a point, because I want my dc's to know it is inapporpriate to act like that, and if someone was to speak to either of my children about something that was fair, then I would have no problem with it.

As adults it is our job to teach children how to act, although with someone elses child I would maybe say it in a nicer tone than to mine.

So IMO, NO YANBU.

kerala · 19/10/2007 14:44

No YANBU at all.

In fact this morning dd pushed another little boy over and his mum said gently "dont do that". I was pleased, am trying to teach her not to do it so having universal disapproval helps.

JennaJ · 19/10/2007 15:01

YABU in my opinion,

Its my personal view that you shouldn't tell off another child unless they are your responsibility..if you have a problem with a childs behaviour then you should speak to the adult responsible for the child so they can deal with it in the way they see appropriate. If you don't know whos responsible then its usually fairly easy to find out!

It makes me really cross if anyone tells off my ds at groups etc (not saying its a regular occurrence) Id much rather the parent came to me and said excuse me your ds just pushed my dd..Its then MY choice how to deal with MY child! Theres no need to have a go at a 3yr old.....

Only excuse for it is if any of the children are in imminent danger.

Thats my opinion.

Jenna

lovecat · 19/10/2007 15:07

But the thing is that toddlers have goldfish memories - by the time you'd ascertained whose child it was (and drew loads of attention to the matter in doing so), it's highly unlikely the child would remember what it was being told off (by its mother, if indeed its mother could be @rsed to tell it off by then) for!

The OP is NBU, the mother in question was watching the child doing this and saying nothing, so what was the OP supposed to do? Ignore the bad behaviour? What message does that send?

If someone told my child off for shoving I'd be both mortified that she'd behaved in such a way and grateful that someone else had cared enough to step in.