To be upset that a mum told me off after I told her child to stop pushing at playgroup today

[GColdtimer]

I will try to be brief. dd (18 months) was in the wendy house. Another girl (about 3) also playing. She took the tea set away from dd, there was rustle and tustle, DD tried to get it back and the other girl pushed her so she went flying. I didn't think her mum was around so I said to her "don't push, its not very nice". Her mum then asked me who I thought I was, she had been watching her daughter, it wasn't up to me to tell her not to do something, etc, etc. Not wanted to cause a scene(or at least more of one) I took DD away from the wendy house and left shortly after.

What I wanted to say is that why didn't she tell her child to stop pushing if she saw it all and really, she should stop being so precious.

Personally I think people are far too precious about this kind of stuff and that if dd was behaving badly, I would expect someone else to tell her if I was not there.

Should I not have said anything? Who is in the right and who is in the wrong here? My friends said I was in the right, but then they would wouldn't they....

Surely if the mother sees it and doesn't intervene then thats up to her...its her child!
If you have a problem with a child and the parent doesn't sort it out then you should go to whoever runs the playgroup and pass the responsibility onto them.

I feel VERY strongly about this as when ds was 12m a mother (with obvious problems) smashed my ds head on a tile floor as he hit her daughter who was 2 with a toy and she smashed his head so hard she knocked him out and he had to go to casualty.( I know that the mother in question did eventually lose her children as was so unstable) Its NOT anyones place to have a go at anyone elses child however well intentioned...what if said 3 year old runs off to its mother and says 'she hit me' and you have been seen telling her off a few minutes before.

Let the parents deal with it.

Jenna

jennaj

am very sorry for what happened to your child, that must have been horrific.

however, there is an enormous difference between a mother gently saying, 'pushing isn;t kind behaviour' and a brutal assault on a child, or even having a go at a child.

YANBU... it takes a village and all that, especially if a 3 year old is pushing a younger child. My 3 year old knows that babies and toddlers are to be treated kindly and gently, even if they're not gentle to him, because they don't know any better. He also knows not to take things away from other children. If he does ever exhibit this behaviour and I miss it I would be grateful if another parent took up the slack.

Too many people are precious over their children these days and too many are too scared of saying something. It's not a good mix.

Jenna that's absolutely terrible, and I can understand your worry over this issue after a dreadful experience like that.
However, the overwhelming majority of cases like this are resolved by a simple "play nicely", or "don't do that", and i think, if the parent of the offending child isn't doing anything, or is absent, then someone should step in a. to make sure the child on the receiving end is alright and feels protected, and b. so that the offending (can't think of a better word) child knows the behaviour isn't right
it is sad that we've become so atomised, and i really do think that (cliche though it is), that it takes a child to raise a village
i usually say something like "guys, what's going on/", if the kids are a bit older, or, like last week, when a boy was dragging ds along the floor cos he wanted the toy he had...
"come on now, that's not nice, you're upsetting him" and very gently disengaged the pair
the little boy's mum turned up and took him away - she didn't say anything, and didn't seem upset over it.
again, how horrible for you and your ds, and i really can see how you'd fret over this issue, but i can't find anything wrong with gentle guidance

The thing is, Jenna, that another adult setting boundaries for children is about 10 x more effective than a parent doing it, IMO. When mum says 'no' many children instinctively decide to test her boundaries, without learning much about the behaviour she is discouraging. When another adult says 'no' it gives children the impression there are some behaviours which everyone agrees are wrong.

So if handled sensitively (obviously you don't get physical with someone else's child!) I think it can be really, really valuable

argh...working class scum - you got in with the village thing before me!
great name btw

actually - it takes a village to raise a child - i must be VERY tired.....
d'oh!

YANBU, I would have done exactly the same. There is a young girl at our group who is around 2ish and she has a habit of pulling other kids hair and pushing, snatching etc for what seems no reason! However her mother takes control and when she does act up she puts her on a 'naughty step' at the centre!
I believe some kids are just more naughty/attention grabbing than others for whatever reason.
I would be upset to see ds push over an 18 month old, he is 2.5 but he is the size of a 4 year old. I have tried to teach him to be gentle with all children when playing. If a child snatches from him he just walks away and goes back to it later!

lulumama- I see your point. But everyone has such different views on parenting, what it is acceptable to say and do and what isn't.

The OP did ask if she was being unreasonable..surely its good to present both sides those who think she was and those who think she wasn't? I wasn't personally crit the op I was just offering my opinion. Isn't that what this forum is about?

Jenna

oh Jenna, thats terrible. I hope you pressed charges. But then you do say the mother was seriously unstable. (she would have been dead if she had one that to my DD!)

I think this is a really interesting issue and you have raised some good points actually. I do have to say that i don't think the OP is being unreasonable, although i do understand why you are sensitive. I also don't know how i feel about it.

I have been at soft play and DD has been lightly pushed by other children and if i have been right there, at the time i have just said to the other children, "oh, please be careful, she is only little" so not really a reprimand but probably seen that way in the eyes of the child. I was at soft play today actually and some bigger children were on the Bouncy castle, they weree climbing right to the top and they could have easily fallen. I told them they must get down as they might fall. Their parents were sat at a table not far off, but to be fair the set up makes it so they couldn't see what they were doing. I am sure people would rather an adult kindly remind their children that they are doing something dangerous than not say anything. Funnily enough DD was pushed at the swing park today (right outside soft play so no escape), there was a little boy who was pushing her, but not ( I Don't think at least) in a spiteful way, more pushy and bossy. I think he was the same age, i just kept a watchful eye as i obviouslyt didnt want dd to fall, but then his mum came over and told him not to push, but to be honest i think he was trying to interact and maybe being a bit bossy rather than nasty, we both kept a close eye and it was fine. Playground politics seems to start really young doesnt it?

It is a difficult one though, it is really difficult to know what to do - the other day at play group i was a bit when another mum told a little girl off for hitting her child, but it was right infront of the girls mother who didnt have a problem with it, but i think the women were friends. I was thinking, eh up, this is gonna kick off

fair enough jennaj

We have an entire society of children who don't think that anyone should tell them off, with some very sad consequences for all.

So no, YANBU. It's everyone's responsibility to raise children who are respectful to others, whether they be your children or not.

Jenna, what happened to your DS was barbaric and inexcusable.

It must have been terrifying for your son, and for you.

But this situation is completely different.

The OP did not scare or hurt the other child, and was polite, restrained and fair.

I think the OP has every right to make sure that the child who hurt her child knew that she found the behaviour unacceptable.

It was important for the child who did the hurting to know it was wrong.

But also for her own child to see that justice was done ie: you can't get away with being aggressive.

If the child's mother chose not to deal with the situation, then someone had to.

I would have done the same.

OK..just read back through this thread and Im over reacting aren't I?

Because I had a bad experience Im assuming that all parents out there are set to batter my ds on the tiles for being a typical toddler when actually you are all a lovely bunch of people who would very gently chide and disengage our terrible twos without harming or upsetting either of them! You can tell I don't go to toddler groups much these days!!!

Sorry for dragging it all out of proportion..and for the OP no YANBU to gently tell another child not to push your little one at playgroup!

Jenna

jenna also raised a really good point about touching another child, which i know the OP didnt do, but it would be quite easy for a little brat of a kid (not saying ANYONE is a brat here, just pointing out worse case scenario) could be really devisive and say "mummy, that lady hit me" and of course if my DD said that to me, i would be adding up the damages in my mind as we stood there. Seriously though, we do have to be so careful these days, and i guess rightly so. Today for instance, i said to a little girl, oh, do you want a hand up to the bouncy castle, as soon as i said it i thought, oh shit, i can't do that, thankfully she was a bit shy and able to get up herself, but that could have been embarrasing.

Jenna, it is perfectly understandable that you would find this a very sensitive subject after what happened to your DS.

But that was my earlier point.. why can't we touch another child to help them? It's so sad.

jenna, maybe a tincy wincy over reaction honey, but we can all understand why

SM, i didnt read your other post, sorry, but yes, it is really sad isnt it

I have just told a child off for throwing sand in his friends face. His mum was there. The boy in question is a bit of a handful and I was trying to help by reinforcing his mum. It's a tricky area but I think that I am generally pleased when other adults help me out when I am not there.

I had an incident where a mother came over and insisted that I discipline my son and get him to say sorry. I had to tell her that as we hadn't seen what had happened I wasn't going to take her childs word over mine. ds is not generally untruthful and he swore he hadn't done anything. That caused a ruck I can tell you.

Assaulting someone elses child is another matter.

Oh lordy, I'm probably going to get sued then... we had tumbletots this morning and two little boys were intent on scrambling up on top of some foam blocks with rollers beyond them, while the tt lady was explaining what we were going to do there.

Both mums were chatting to each other and didn't notice. The tt lady grabbed one of them as he launched himself onto the rollers but then had no spare hands for the other little boy, who was jumping up and down on top of the foam block (about 3ft high and a hard wooden floor beneath) and wobbling perilously.

As neither of the mums had even looked around from their convo I (very gently!) took the little boy under the armpits and set him down on the ground. Looked around to see his mum giving me a very thin look.... oh dear, better check my personal liability insurance!

Jenna, really sorry to hear about your little boy, that must've been terrible. Hope he's fine now.

when ds was about 12-18m there was a 3yo at the playgroup who was constantly attacking the smaller children. it was really sad actually, he was brought there by his aunt who never even looked at him, spent the whole time texting. all the other children avoided him and his behaviour was getting really out of hand. he was also really big for his age.

he clumped ds a few times and still noboby did anything. eventually i told him quietly that i didn't want him to hurt ds and i was watching him, which i did and he left ds alone because he was now scared of me. i still feel quite horrible about it, poor little boy.

wouldn't think twice about helping a child onto a bouncy castle, although i would ask them first.

gizmo has a really good point that other people commenting on a child's behaviour is more effective than parents doing it. I have NEVER failed to get a result when I have asked someone else's child to stop doing something undesirable (I have a pretty good 'teacher' manner, I'm not one but my mum was, learnt it all from her). My DD though ... never listens to a word I say.

Interestingly I was once asked for help at soft play by a little boy I'd told off for throwing things at my friend's DD about five minutes before - parents might hold grudges, but it seems kids don't!

jenna, sorry to hear about your experience, that sounds absolutely awful and I can tell why you are sensitive these things.

I would tell another child (gently of course!) not to do things if he/she was upsetting another - surely our civic duty!

We had interesting situation once - young visitor to neighbour kept chucking things over. I told him not to and he said you are not my mum and my mum says I can do anything I want. So I gave up, not wanting war. Then our visitor (5-year-old girl) took up the cause and told him to "stop doing that because you are annoying us" quite politely but firmly and he stopped! I would have given her a medal if I had one!