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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I lend them 10k?

355 replies

SupineSlumber · 24/11/2020 21:16

My parents, in their 60s, are planning on moving house. They’ve found somewhere that they like, and they want to buy it outright with cash, without having to wait to sell their own house first (although they said they hope to sell as soon as possible). However, they don’t have the necessary amount: they have 100k in savings, and are looking to borrow another 100k from selected family members/close friends (not exactly sure as they haven’t told me but I can hazard a guess). They’re very stubborn and are adamant that this is the only way they can secure the house that they love, without being part of a chain etc. Selling their own house would effectively cover the cost of one they’re moving to so they have that as an option but they don’t want it.

They asked me how much I could lend them, and it’s comfortably about 10K. But now I’m thinking this whole thing might be a bad idea. I don’t know who they’ll be borrowing the rest of the 90k from and I don’t want to audited as part of that process (not that there’s anything to hide, but it just seems very messy). Also it just feels extremely indulgent to me, to try to be in the position of a cash buyer whilst roping in lots of people to fund that through loans. What if their house doesn’t sell as easily as they think it will?

Am thinking of withdrawing the offer on the basis that it might not be financially prudent, but I know they’ll be hugely hurt. WWYD?

(NC just in case)

OP posts:
Aesopfable · 25/11/2020 14:07

So they are fraudulently presenting theit finances to their lender? And want you to put it on record that you are gifting the money not lending?

justasking111 · 25/11/2020 14:10

We gave son 5k towards a deposit on his home, we had to sign papers stating that this was non returnable. This was five years ago. Since then I have read that mortgage lenders will not let this happen, so when son moved we could not help out except by a wangle which meant we paid sellers for carpets, curtains, garden ornaments 7k.

jacks11 · 25/11/2020 14:18

I would be very wary. It seems an odd way to go about buying the house and I think if they can’t buy it without selling the house, they have to sell their house first.

I don’t think there is much point in having a proper loan agreement, TBH- unless you would be prepared to enforce it if they did not stick to the agreement. If you are worried about upsetting them over not lending money, I doubt you’d take them to court. How many of those suggesting would be comfortable with taking their parents to court to enforce it?

Aesopfable · 25/11/2020 14:23

I don’t think there is much point in having a proper loan agreement, TBH- unless you would be prepared to enforce

But what if it wasn’t your parents but the executor of their estate? Would you be happy to see the money lent go with the rest of the estate and not returned to you?

BlueThistles · 25/11/2020 14:24

as a previous poster pointed out... I agree that it sounds like they don't actually have a house to sell... all this scrabbling around for Cash from family appears like its an obvious cover for the fact they cannot sell their other home... likely mortgaged to the hilt.. and need this new house for cash because nobody will lend them a penny... 🌺

MacbookHo · 25/11/2020 14:33

You poor thing! I can see why they’d want to be cash buyers, but I wouldn’t want to help them. Can you imagine? They’ll probably never get round to putting the first house on the market. Or they’ll want to wait if there’s a crash. Or they’ll put off clearing out the old stuff, or redecorating... There’ll always be some reason why they can’t be arsed.

They need a bridging loan, and the extortionate interest rate, to put a bomb under them!

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 25/11/2020 14:37

Have you thought about applying on the Land Registry website for a copy of title? It will tell you if there’s a mortgage/secured loan etc.

StrippedFridge · 25/11/2020 15:02

Oh there’s definitely going to be a tantrum. Fully prepared to be told that I’m the most ungrateful daughter in the world and how much money was wasted on my education!

I used to put my phone on speaker phone with the volume low so it was barely audible while my mum ranted at me and I cooked dinner without really listening beyond grunting like a teenager whenever a response seemed to be needed.

Nowadays I don't pick up the phone if there is going to be a tantrum. If I get caught out then I hang up. We are low contact now. I know she rants at other people about me. If the flying monkeys try to tell me about it I tell them not to, that rant was between her and them.

What I am saying is, you don't have to make yourself fully available for the verbal beatings even though you feel you must.

Feedingthebirds1 · 25/11/2020 15:03

So they are fraudulently presenting theit finances to their lender

According to the OP, their only lenders are family/friends. Nothing official, no building society, and therefore nobody asking awkward questions, or asking to see bank statements, proof of income or anything else.

So what are the DPs hiding?

satnighttakeaway · 25/11/2020 15:25

@Aesopfable

So they are fraudulently presenting theit finances to their lender? And want you to put it on record that you are gifting the money not lending?
From what the OP says there isn't a lender so the confirmation must be for some other reason, it would be interesting to know what that is
Elai1978 · 25/11/2020 15:26

I lent my parents some money in similar circumstances, they’ve given me enough over the years! It went as planned and they paid me back.

BlueThistles · 25/11/2020 16:24

From what the OP says there isn't a lender so the confirmation must be for some other reason, it would be interesting to know what that is

Aaahhhh interesting ....

and well done for spotting this 🌺

MiniCooperLover · 25/11/2020 16:27

The fact your mother said gifting and not lending is a huge red flag

TheSilveryPussycat · 25/11/2020 16:31

The EA for the house they plan to buy will want proof of funds to acertain that they are truly able to pay in cash.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/11/2020 16:34

Got a text from my mum this morning re: the subject of wanting me to give them more than 10k. She’s asking me to state that I will gift them 15k (and to show a bank statement with that amount), but (to paraphrase) ‘it’s OK, we know you can only give 10k - that’s fine. We’re not actually asking for 15k, just need you to say you’re going to gift that amount’.

I would be wary - all of the "give"s and "gift"s in this suggest that you wouldn't have a leg to stand on if, for whatever reason, they decided not to pay you back.

justconcedealready · 25/11/2020 16:45

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

This statement is your friend, OP. Practice saying it. Practice typing it. Use it as much as you need to at every horrible, p/a comment your mother makes to you when you turn her down.

Because you need to turn her down. First they don't need the money to do it this way. Second they're committing fraud. Third you'll never see the money again.

Just say no. Then 'I'm sorry you feel that way' calmly, repetitively, as if you're bored. Act like you don't care what the hell she thinks of you. You don't owe her anything.

bridgetreilly · 25/11/2020 16:46

They need to get a bridging loan from the bank.

PurpleMustang · 25/11/2020 16:48

This just falls apart even more
The relative that will buy it for them but they have refused
You mum stating 'gift' and 'give' in her message not loan or lend
Who is she wanting to show that statement to.
You would be starting to get yourself into a legal sticky situation if you lie twice saying you are gifting them 15K. Both in the gifting and the amount. Just run for the hills this is one huge legal dispute disaster waiting to happen

MeridianB · 25/11/2020 17:10

Some really interesting theories on here. It’s entirely possible they have remortgaged existing property or entered into equity release. Do you now much about their finances OP?

Also, have you seen details of the ‘new’ house? Just wondering if they just need money and have made up the house story.

CrimsonCattery · 25/11/2020 17:11

Yeah not a chance. Says something that they have refused the offer to get the house bought for them and a bridging loan AND selling their own house. The whole thing stinks.

BlueThistles · 25/11/2020 18:11

I hope you are okay OP... this is a stressful business 🌺

BaskingMad · 25/11/2020 18:14

I assume your sibling suggested to buy a house for them but they said no. I bet there is a good reason why they don’t want to let anyone too close to their financial matters. Very good reason. I bet not all is as it seems.
I bet my money on them having remortgaged their house numerous times to fund their lifestyle. And having done some equity release scheme recently which is where the 100k come from. Of course they don’t want anyone involved as all of this would come out.
I might be overly pessimistic, of course. But this smacks of them hiding something.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 25/11/2020 18:33

It absolutely does smack of hiding something which is why I'd be saying no.

I agree with everything else the majority of PP's have said.

Good luck with the phonecall!

Eryouwhat · 25/11/2020 18:51

Good luck

Amberleaf12 · 25/11/2020 18:59

My sister borrowed money from various family members to help purchase her first home.

My aunt got into money trouble and desperately needed the money back but sister could only afford to pay in instalments. My mum had to top up to keep her sister happy with the amount she was being given because my sister couldn’t afford the amount she was demanding.

Another family member got annoyed and wanted their money back but sister couldn’t pay it because she was trying to pay off my aunt and mum couldn’t help.

And guess what? Other people then needed their money back.

Everyone then fell out with everyone.

This has got disaster written all over it.