to send my son to nursery at 1 year old

[spicysauce]

Hi,

my baby is almost 4 months old and it looks like I will have to send him to full time nursery when he's 1 year old.

I'm feeling quite guilty about it as this isn't what I envisioned for my child and I'm scared that it will be hugely traumatizing for him.

The other problem is my mom, who believes I should be a stay at home mother. She was a shm for her four children and belive that's best for children.

She however lived for free in one of my grandparents properties. My father left as well when I was 10 and we went through a very hard time of financial hardships as a family. He didn't pay child support. My mother didn't have a career and we had to rely on our grandparents to support us. This created a lot of tension in the family.

Although I believe that it's best for children to be primarily with their mom until they are 3, I realized we just can't afford it.

We pay 500 pounds a month in mortgage, not too much.

Life is expensive however and I realised I'm just spending at the moment without earning anything (apart from SMP)

Our families don't live close so we can't ask them to look after our son whilst I'm at work.

My mother is completely against the idea of putting him in nursery. She tries to guilt trip me, asking "do you want to put your baby in the chimney while you're at work".

Can anyone reassure me that this is okay and it won't traumatise my son and affect our bond?

Your mother is being ridiculous.

I can only speak from experience, but I couldn't survive on SMP and just had to get back to work when my Son was 6 months old. He is now 1 and goes to nursery 3 full days per week. I think it has helped his development, he loves seeing the nursery staff each morning and he does a lot more activities with them than I could ever think of at home! I occasionally feel guilty when he has been there for a long day but usually myself or my husband try and pick him up by 4pm if we can.

My DS now 8 has been in full time crèche since he was 6-months olds. He's happy, well-rounded and has a great bond with with and DH and with me. Both of us work full time. Do what you need to to for your family setting and don't let anyone guilt you.

Of course it's not going to traumatise him 🙄 Quite a few kids are in nursery by 1 - my DD will be going 3 days from 11 months old. Not feeling guilty in the slightest, and this is from someone who had a SAHM who has amazingly decided to keep any unfavourable opinions to herself

First and foremost, your mother needs to butt out. And don't feel guilty in saying so to her. Her situation is massively different to yours and even if you didn't need to work, there's nothing wrong with wanting to.

Life is more expensive now than it was then, and it doesn't sound like she had the "perfect setup" herself. We all just do what we can for our kids.

The chimney comment is just ridiculous!

OP, most mums do go back to work now and it's a lot less common to stay at home. It's natural to worry but your baby will be absolutely fine!

I think your mother's extreme views on this have distorted your own. 1 is a very, very common age to start nursery (mine started earlier!) and most mothers now work, so you really aren't doing something bizarre or awful.

Is cutting your hours so that you could have a day or two at home with him during the week an option? I went back full-time with my first and it was fine so if not don't worry, but if it is an option it might feel like a better balance - I'd go back earlier but part-time over having the full year off but then working full-time, personally.

Lots of women need to work to provide for their family so babies go to nursery, and lots could manage without but choose to go to work for all sorts of reasons. Your mother is ridiculous and rude and of course it won’t do any harm to go at 1 year!
I choose to go back for all sorts of reasons and my little girl has done 3 fairly long days a week since 11 months. She loves it so much and now at 16 months I get a wave and ‘bye bye mummy’ before she toodles off happy as anything into nursery - we drop off at the front door due to COVID.

We planned to send our DD to nursery 3 full days a week when she was a year old but that got put on hold because of covid. However, she started in September and has absolutely blossomed and I'm 100% sure this would have been the case had she started in April as well.
She loves it! They do so many fun activities and she gets to play and interact with other babies and the nursery staff. Every morning she happily trots in with her little bag and barely a backward glance!
We still have our lovely bond she she knows mummy and daddy love her and your little one will be the same.
If your mum starts again just ignore or remind her that your family is different, times have changed and she'll just have to hod her weesht (keep her opinions to herself) as my granny would say!

My DD was in nursery from 8months ( 3-4 days a week). She thrived.
You need to do what's best for you as a family. Sitting worrying about not earning is not making you a happy mum.

It's your baby, not your Mum's

YANBU

Your mother raised her kids and did what she felt was best at the time. Now you’re raising your kids and doing what’s best for your family. Not being able to afford your bills and potentially losing your home would have a much bigger impact on your child than going to nursery will!

Thanks everyone for your reassuring words.

The other thing is I worry if I don't work for 3 years, it might look quite bad on my CV and it could be difficult to find a job again.

Is there a compromise 3 days a week for instance until 3 when the 30 hours free kick in? Do take into account nursery fees when calculating disposable income. I did stay home until my kids were at primary, I did jobs I could do from home to help the family budget

Another option if you want to reduce Nursery time is for both you and dh to drop to 4 days a week so LO only needs nursery for 3 days. But only if you want!

Do you think that other parents who send their 1 year olds to nursery are unreasonable? If not, why are you asking?

My eldest went to nursery at four months old. She is a well rounded 12 year old now and I have no guilt because that meant I could pay our bills.

Tell your mum that unless she is going to make yup the short fall of you quitting work then she needs to wind her neck in.

Of course he won't be traumatised. Significant numbers of babies are in nursery by 1 or before and perfectly fine.
Yes they need bonds with their main care-giver, but they also need the benefits of financial security and for their parent to be happy. There's no virtue in being a skint, unhappy SAHM just because it was the done thing a couple of generations ago.

Mine was full time in nursery from 12 weeks til 2.5. How else do you go to work? And frankly kid was bored with me when she started staying home 2/5 days when I went PT. If it's a good nursery then crack on.

My son has been in full time childcare since 9 months. He’s a perfectly happy almost 4-year-old and I don’t believe our bond has suffered at all.

I don’t know why it would be hugely traumatising to send a one year old to nursery and totally disagree that your child should be with you until he’s three.

I would imagine most toddlers gain a huge amount of socialisation at nursery, they learn to play, share and communicate. My daughter certainly did.

It’s your child and not your mother’s. You need to find a way to filter out the absolute nonsense she’s feeding you and guilt tripping you with.
Your little one will come on leaps and bounds at nursery, don’t feel guilty about sending him.

I managed to reduce my hours when the children were small which meant not all of my time was at work and childcare was not such an expense. It helped me stay on the career ladder (though not climb it during this time) and I went up to 80% of full time when the youngest was 2 1/2 (still on this now and they are 13 and 11)

Do you really need to work full time? I've been part time since my daughter was 1 and I'm still on a career path, perhaps I may be further down the line if I was full time.. But I'm still headed in the same direction.

I now get to take my child to and from school whilst holding down a decent job with prospects

Whilst I don't agree with women/parents losing themselves when having kids and giving everything up, I do wonder why people have kids if they don't want to be around for a sizeable portion of their kids awake time!

My mum didn’t want me to put DD in nursery as she offered to look after her full-time, but since DD has a mix of time with family and nursery, DM admits that nursery has been great for DD as she loves it and has learnt so much. Don’t feel any guilt for making the best decisions for your family.