to send my son to nursery at 1 year old

[spicysauce]

Hi,

my baby is almost 4 months old and it looks like I will have to send him to full time nursery when he's 1 year old.

I'm feeling quite guilty about it as this isn't what I envisioned for my child and I'm scared that it will be hugely traumatizing for him.

The other problem is my mom, who believes I should be a stay at home mother. She was a shm for her four children and belive that's best for children.

She however lived for free in one of my grandparents properties. My father left as well when I was 10 and we went through a very hard time of financial hardships as a family. He didn't pay child support. My mother didn't have a career and we had to rely on our grandparents to support us. This created a lot of tension in the family.

Although I believe that it's best for children to be primarily with their mom until they are 3, I realized we just can't afford it.

We pay 500 pounds a month in mortgage, not too much.

Life is expensive however and I realised I'm just spending at the moment without earning anything (apart from SMP)

Our families don't live close so we can't ask them to look after our son whilst I'm at work.

My mother is completely against the idea of putting him in nursery. She tries to guilt trip me, asking "do you want to put your baby in the chimney while you're at work".

Can anyone reassure me that this is okay and it won't traumatise my son and affect our bond?

"I do wonder why people have kids if they don't want to be around for a sizeable portion of their kids awake time"

Ever wondered this about a man who works and has children?

Most people need to work to earn money to live off. That doesn't mean you are not allowed to have children too.

YANBU. If you need to return to work full time to pay the bills then thats what has to happen.

Personally I'd rather a part time arrangement but that's obviously not possible for everyone. Your son will be fine.

Whilst I don't agree with women/parents losing themselves when having kids and giving everything up, I do wonder why people have kids if they don't want to be around for a sizeable portion of their kids awake time!

So you don't agree with people "losing themselves when having kids" (presumably this is code for being a SAHP) but you also don't agree with working full time. So in your eyes the only correct approach is what you do.

FWIW I'm exactly the same as you and have worked part time since having my eldest but I recognise that others will make different choices for all kinds of different reasons and I don't judge them for it.

My youngest started nursery 4 days a week at 10 months, he loves it. Take your time finding the right nursery for your family. If you can do shorter days I think that is better but needs must.

Whilst I don't agree with women/parents losing themselves when having kids and giving everything up, I do wonder why people have kids if they don't want to be around for a sizeable portion of their kids awake time!

So I assume that your children's father also works part-time, right?

I'm feeling quite guilty about it as this isn't what I envisioned for my child and I'm scared that it will be hugely traumatizing for him.

So many children start nursery at 1- do you really think it's full of traumatised babies?

Both mine started at 12 months, the youngest cried at drop off for a while but was fine as soon as his breakfast was served.

Your mum is being silly. Children can and do thrive in childcare. My son started at 11 months in July and loves it so much. He squeals in delight and claps his hands when he is approaching the nursery door. As you said, you don’t really have an option financially, do you? Is there the option of going part time? You have seen first hand the possible problems of being a SAHM.

Your DM needs to butt out of your decisions. It sounds like she is looking back at raising her children with rose tinted glasses and forgetting the free rent and not providing for her children whilst being left without financial support by then man she presumably expected to be the provider. You would think she would be supporting your financial independence. DM and MiL were similar with MIL saying home shameful and awful it was for me to work whilst also telling me I should earn enough to buy us a house (clearly forgetting her son). Women are screwed eitherway so do what you need to without guilt. Dd has been doing increasingly hours at nursery since 10 months and loves it! She talks non stop about her friends and the staff (she's now 2).

DS started at 1 year. It's been amazing for him and for me. He absolutely loves it and has thrived. His development has come on leaps and bounds since he started.

Can I ask where you are from? I only ask ask as you spelled 'mom' and thought that perhaps it may be a difference in culture? That aside though, nursery from 1 is perfect try normal and is actually very good for the child developmentally, especially social development, walking, talking etc. I really wouldn't let it get you down and enjoy the next 8 months. Its hard at the start putting them in nursery but they'll soon be shooing you away so they can play!

@hardbackwriter - haha.... I wish.... We aren't together and he won't even collect his child from school ever... Career means far more to him than seeing her eyes light up at him collecting her!

I think if parents can work part time, then they should, if financially it isn't viable then obviously they have to work.

I'm not saying I'm right just that is my opinion, which is what people ask for on here.

As I said above, I can't understand why people want kids, then choose to spend so much time away from them. People need to work and i appreciate that, but why have someone else do the lion's share of the childcare??

It’s so normal for one year olds (or younger) to go to nursery here that some people put their child on the list before they are even conceived because the best places are so fought over.

Of course he won’t be traumatised. He’ll probably love it.

@whatwouldyoudo85 it most definitely is not code for SAHM... I don't think a career defines a person, it's the things that you do for you, whether that is your career, or your hobbies... What I'm saying is I don't think you should have to give up the things you enjoy. But people would view it very differently if you spent 40+ hrs a week doing your hobbies and not seeing your kids, so why is it OK to work that much if you don't financially need to? If you need to, then it's a very different scenario, and putting food on the table and a roof over kids, and your head is top priority, and as long as the child is safe and happy then that is what matters

My mother is completely against the idea of putting him in nursery. She tries to guilt trip me, asking "do you want to put your baby in the chimney while you're at work".
I'd tell her to stop being so bloody ridiculous. Baby is going off to be played with and cared for, not abused and neglected.

I'd also ask if she's willing to cover the mortgage payments as what enabled her to not work was HER parents. So you know, fairs fair

But people would view it very differently if you spent 40+ hrs a week doing your hobbies and not seeing your kids, so why is it OK to work that much if you don't financially need to? If you need to, then it's a very different scenario, and putting food on the table and a roof over kids, and your head is top priority, and as long as the child is safe and happy then that is what matters.

Well, ‘financially necessary’ means different things to different people.

I don’t need to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. My DH’s salary would cover that (assuming he keeps his job, but that’s a different risk). But personally, I aspire to a better quality of life for my child than just ‘food on the table and a roof over their heads’. And that is why I work, and I think a lot of other parents do the same. Hope that helps explain.

Absolutely do what's right for you. I've stayed home, my sons 2.5 and my seconds on the way. But he has had two mornings in nursery since two and loves it. I might book the second one in a bit earlier.

Theres financial pressure with one parent at home and it can become tedious at times. My son benefits from the social aspect and it wouldnt hurt to at least start part time if your worried about long days.

If you decide you dont want to start back up at 1 a few years off to raise a child isnt going to be a gap on your CV as such, because you can put on there that you stayed at home with your child. It's a perfectly valid reason to be off work.
Depending on what your job is you might want to do some distance learning courses to keep fresh for the job.

I had the same guilt trip laid on me.
DD had to go into full time childcare from 20 weeks - I'm the main earner by a veeeery long way. She is independent, confidant and very advanced for her age. No issues going to pre school or school unlike some of the kids I know who didn't leave their mothers until 3/4.
So what's right for you and ignore everyone else. You can't do right for doing wrong sometimes so will always upset someone

It needs to be a combination of what is best for the child AND the mother. And that is a very individual thing. Most children are doing some time at nursery at one. And plenty are full time. Make sure you share drop offs and pick ups with DH. And push hard for flexibility from your employer. At least a couple of days wfh. Or 4/4.5 days part time or a 9 day fortnight. Or an early finish mid week Wednesdays where you can hit the park six months of the year on your way home from nursery etc. Buy extra annual leave. Everything to help flex. Also your partner is equally responsible for the child needing to go to nursery and needs to do the same. Kids love nursery and thrive.

Remember there are some children at home full time in abusive unhealthy environments just like there are children who are adored and secure who are in nursery full time. Being at home full time doesn't mean you love them more. And working full time doesn't mean you love them less.

Four months is so young, you will all be ready for some change when 1st birthday comes around.

You need to do what’s best for you and your family.

Don’t let somebody who has never had to deal with the responsibility of being a parent influence your decisions. Your mum did nothing for you in regards of putting a roof over your head or putting food in the fridge or clothing, all the necessities in raising a child, this was all provided by other people. I’d have a lot more children now if I didn’t have to pay for them.

I work in a baby room as a lead and I can assure you we love those babies! They are played with, supported and cared for so well.......your mother will be astounded at the leaps he makes that she doesn’t expect.

Please don’t feel guilty for doing your best for your baby!

My dd started nursery just before she turned one, she was due to go full time but because of the pandemic she went 3 days instead. I was happy I got a bit more time with her but likewise she also loves nursery, and started full time at 18 months.

Do not feel guilty and ignore your mother.

Children do well at nursery. Mine loved it and went full time from six months (normal maternity leave then). I was lucky as both my DM and DMil went back to their careers and were supportive of me continuing with mine. DH and I shared nursery drop off and collection so both were able to continue to work and see plenty of DC’s.

My DD has gone to nursery full time since she was six months old, she is 15 months now. She loves it, has done right from the start.
It fills my heart watching her get so excited for nursery everyday and when we pick her up she is so excited to see us.

I wouldn’t change it, she is such a confident outgoing toddler and that’s down to nursery.

My 1st only went one day a week as I worked part time shifts around him, he was a shy thing until full time nursery at 3.c

My DD will be the youngest in the year when she goes to school (v late August baby) and I can see already now how much nurse he will benefit her.

Don’t feel any guilt ☺️

Also the staff at her nursery are so lovely, she loves them all and gives them big cuddles when we arrive. They all genuinely care for her which is so lovely too see.