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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to send my son to nursery at 1 year old

78 replies

spicysauce · 24/11/2020 16:19

Hi,

my baby is almost 4 months old and it looks like I will have to send him to full time nursery when he's 1 year old.

I'm feeling quite guilty about it as this isn't what I envisioned for my child and I'm scared that it will be hugely traumatizing for him.

The other problem is my mom, who believes I should be a stay at home mother. She was a shm for her four children and belive that's best for children.

She however lived for free in one of my grandparents properties. My father left as well when I was 10 and we went through a very hard time of financial hardships as a family. He didn't pay child support. My mother didn't have a career and we had to rely on our grandparents to support us. This created a lot of tension in the family.

Although I believe that it's best for children to be primarily with their mom until they are 3, I realized we just can't afford it.

We pay 500 pounds a month in mortgage, not too much.

Life is expensive however and I realised I'm just spending at the moment without earning anything (apart from SMP)

Our families don't live close so we can't ask them to look after our son whilst I'm at work.

My mother is completely against the idea of putting him in nursery. She tries to guilt trip me, asking "do you want to put your baby in the chimney while you're at work".

Can anyone reassure me that this is okay and it won't traumatise my son and affect our bond?

OP posts:

majesticallyawkward · 24/11/2020 19:46

Hugely traumatising? You realise thousands of babies and children go to childcare, it's pretty standard.

Your mums views are weird and skewed. Yes it would be nice to stay at home and let someone else pay to support us but the reality is families need an income and if that means children go to registered, professional childcare then that's what happens. They are there for a reason as as @Thehop said, they genuinely love and care for the babies they look after.

tiredybear · 24/11/2020 19:47

I was like you, wanted to keep my LO with me so he didn't start nursery til he was 3. I loved the time with him but it was exhausting as I worked too in the evenings teaching. Then it took him a good year or so to be interested in making friends with the other kids.

I now work in a nursery. I work with the youngest (4m - 18m). Once they've settled in (and they all do, relatively quickly) they absolutely love it. It is amazing watching them interact with each other and see friendships forming, even at such a young age. In fact, I'd say in general, the younger ones adapt much more easily than the 3yos do.

There is no right or wrong. Children adapt and parents will feel THE GUILT either way. You have to do what is best for you in your situation.

nancybotwinbloom · 24/11/2020 19:50

Does your mum offer any child support

nancybotwinbloom · 24/11/2020 19:50

As in does she want to help look after him whilst your at work?

AGeeseGoose · 24/11/2020 19:54

We’ve had a real mix. My son went 1 day a week at 9 months, while I did a voluntary role to get some experience before applying for jobs (I wasn’t working before he was born, I was doing a MA). I got a part-time job when he was 11 months so he went 3 days - he was absolutely fine, loved it.

DD was in 3 days when she was 2.5, and 5 days when I went full-time when she was nearly 3. I never wanted to be a SAHM - I wouldn’t mind working 4 days a week but that wasn’t possible with my job and I took the chance of full-time when I could - it’s meant we’ve been able to move to a bigger house with more space, have holidays etc.

Both DC are bright, happy kids who are sociable and loving. Visit a few nurseries and pick the one you love, and go for it!

Amrythings · 24/11/2020 19:57

Also, you never know what kid you're going to get. Not wanting your four month old away from you is one thing, one year olds are a different kettle of fish altogether! Mine was in full time nursery from six months (would have taken longer but life is what it is) and when lockdown hit he was an extremely active ten months and dear god he was bored to tears at home with us all day! I spent a fortune on toys, books and puzzles to try to keep up with him.

Thankssomuch · 24/11/2020 20:00

I have no time for this whole ‘women feeling guilty’ rubbish. You never hear of ‘men feeling guilty’ for going out to work - in fact, they’re applauded for it. And changing this crap starts with us, as women - the sooner we stop buying into it the better.

hotpotlover · 24/11/2020 20:04

Thanks everyone. I agree with you and I WhatsApped my mother and told her about my plans. I also mentioned that I discussed this in an Internet forum (didn't mention it was mumsnet hehe) and that 99 % of posters have positive experience.

She started shaming me again : "full time nursery is too much for him", "he can't defend himself", "contradicts theory of attachment", "at the age of 1 he still needs his mum", "you also have to listen to critical voices"

hotpotlover · 24/11/2020 20:08

@nancybotwinbloom

She doesn't live close, so couldn't support.

Her idea is that I find something I can do on the Internet a couple of hours a week (when my partner is home) , earn a few hundred pounds with that and let my partner provide the rest.

Hardbackwriter · 24/11/2020 20:09

@hotpotlover

Just don't engage with her on the topic again. She has her own views, they're very fixed and you're not going to change her mind. There's no need to let her change yours, either.

Your childhood sounds quite complicated and I suspect she is very invested in staying home with you as being the thing she 'did right'. If so, she's not going to let go of that because it probably shields her from a lot of guilt about the other stuff that (perhaps not through her own fault) did not go right.

GlennRheeismyfavourite · 24/11/2020 20:09

My baby went from 10 months, 5 days a week, 8-4.30. I needed to work full time. What else could I do? I do feel guilty sometimes but I also know I'm not cut out to be at home all the time.

LouiseTrees · 24/11/2020 20:10

Could you go part time? If she’s not willing to help and lives miles away how will she even know he’s at nursery ( just don’t tell her).

Spottyspottyladybird · 24/11/2020 20:13

Another comment reassuring you. My child went to nursey from 1 year old 3 days a week but spent another day with grandparents. He is now at the age of 2 in some from of childcare 5 days a week. He loves it. I always feel some level of guilt as I think thats part of being a mum but your child will be fine at nursery. They do so many fun activities and once he has settled in he will love it. Don't feel guilty. Though I know thats easier said than done. As a positive I found my son came on so much at nursery. Dont let anyone guilt trip you.

AGeeseGoose · 24/11/2020 20:21

How bizarre of her. Both nurseries my kids have been at have had wonderful staff and amazing resources - they go out on little trips to local museums and parks, they eat together and sing and play. DD’s nursery have been decorating trees this week, and they’ve started Christmas activities.

MustardMitt · 24/11/2020 20:24

Your mother is being ridiculous, you are being even more ridiculous to take what she says seriously. If nurseries were so bad then they wouldn’t be available for young babies. Other options are also available to you, like childminders and nannies.

Thehop · 24/11/2020 20:27

If it helps, I’m 41 and have an early years degree and 15 years experience. I’m a lead/senior practitioner with phenomenal responsibility and pressure doing 11 hour days to maintain consistency for the babies in my care and I earn £9 an hour. Trust me, I do my job because I love it.

Choose a nursery based on your gut and where you think you and your baby will be happy, don’t just go on OFSTED reports.

Arewethere · 24/11/2020 20:28

My kids went to nursery from well under a year old, my son was just 4 months.

Lives today are very different from our parents generation and you need to do what's best overall for your family.

Speaking to my now adult and almost adult children they loved their nursery and have great memories

Original poster

spicysauce · 24/11/2020 20:32

@Thehop

Choose a nursery based on your gut and where you think you and your baby will be happy, don’t just go on OFSTED reports.

Wow that is seriously underpaid. You deserve much more money for the important job you do x

OP posts:

rottiemum88 · 24/11/2020 20:33

[quote blueluce85]@hardbackwriter - haha.... I wish.... We aren't together and he won't even collect his child from school ever... Career means far more to him than seeing her eyes light up at him collecting her!

I think if parents can work part time, then they should, if financially it isn't viable then obviously they have to work.

I'm not saying I'm right just that is my opinion, which is what people ask for on here.

As I said above, I can't understand why people want kids, then choose to spend so much time away from them. People need to work and i appreciate that, but why have someone else do the lion's share of the childcare??[/quote]
What's your reason for sending your child to school rather than having them at home with you then, out of interest?

Longtalljosie · 24/11/2020 20:46

My MIL was similar but if it helps it stopped after I actually returned to work - the window for influencing me had closed I think. I elected to have a childminder as I worked compressed hours and it’s a long day - plus I thought a family setting would suit DD better.

Ratatcat · 24/11/2020 21:00

I went back at 13m with my first and had longer with my second because of lockdown which was much better for her. I believe that until 18m nurseries aren’t the best place for babies but a means to an end. Full time from 12m is quite a lot for them so I think you have to do it with your eyes open and be really happy with the nursery you pick. However, I think both of mine benefited hugely from nursery well before the age of 3 which is a stat often trotted out. My eldest adored nursery and had so many amazing opportunities she wouldn’t have had at home.

If I could pick an ideal, I think it would be home until just before 2 then nursery 3 days a week. That isn’t a feasible model for me or lots of others though sadly.

carly2803 · 24/11/2020 21:03

personally, i love the part time balance.

I wouldnt want my kids in full time nursery/child minder. Not slating those who do - needs must!

But if you dont need too, then id compromise and go part time

RealMermaid · 24/11/2020 21:06

My son started nursery a month ago aged 10 months and he loves it! Honestly he has so much, tries loads of new activities that I would never think of or have the equipment for, and gets to socialise with other babies which he's missed out on due to Covid. He really has a super time there and I think it's really done him good!

Hardbackwriter · 24/11/2020 21:11

People on MN always seem to assume that everyone could go part-time if they wanted. Leaving aside finance, I feel like I must be the only person ever to have had a flexible working request turned down - on MN the assumption seems to be that to ask is to be given?!

wintertime6 · 24/11/2020 21:13

I'm a big believer in doing what's right for your own mental health as that will have a big impact on your child. If that's being a SAHM then that's fine, and if it's working full time, then that's fine too. Lots of kids are in nursery full time and do just fine.

For me, the part time balance is the best. I love working for a few days a week, using my brain and getting job satisfaction. I also love having 2 days at home, doing the school run and having one to one time with my toddler when the older one is in school. I'd probably go mad if I was at home with the kids full time and wouldn't appreciate that time so much. But it's also tiring working and getting everybody ready in the mornings and dropped off to their different settings, then getting home, dinner sorted, bedtime and bags sorted for the next day, never mind thinking about cleaning and food shopping etc, and personally I know I'd feel a bit stressed working full time.

Do what's right for you, both financially and mentally. Children are so adaptable, as long as they're loved and looked after, they generally just get on with whatever life throws at them, unlike us who worry about it all.

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