Would you be put off if a potential lover had a massive shrine, including urn, to his parents?

[upsetandang]

This is half hypothetical.
I'm not the potential lover but an old relative of mine had a long sideboard in his living room dedicated to his dead parents, with false flowers and a big wooden urn in the middle which reminded me of a coffin.

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking.
obviously I don't know him in a romantic capacity so I don't know the whole story but I always figured the reason he was single was because of this big memorial in his living room.

Now I'm a woman I can honestly say it would put me off dating someone who didn't tick all the other boxes but this man seems to tick every box.

Would it put you off?

DISCLAIMER

This is lighthearted (idle curiosity- I'm aware I sound horrid but it creeper me out as a child), I will not be approaching anyone about their grief or home decor.

YABU
you would not be put off

YANBU
it would put you off

It'd be a no from me, I'm afraid.

He bought out a load of snacks all in bowls made of taxidermy pangolins

Now there's a sentence you don't see every day

As a PP said it's all a bit Norman Bates - like my cousin who lost his mum years ago but still speaks of her in the present tense. In fact I'd wonder if he had his parents propped up in chairs somewhere, ready to be seated around the dining table at Christmas

If I am to believe MN posts, some potential partners might find having their potential PILs in an urn less bother than having them in robust good health on the doorstep.

But, to be more serious for a moment, if it brings comfort, I would not judge at all. People need to be given the space and understanding to honour dear ones who have gone before in ways that are meaningful and helpful to them.

@Summerstorms

lots of people i know do ancestor work, so, no. It wouldn't bother me in itself. Depends how he related to it.

No^^ agree with this.

I have my DMs picture and a dove statue on my cabinet, in my hallway

That actually sounds lovely, Corona - but I'm not sure a pleasant and subtle memorial is quite what a lot of us were picturing in OP's case

this man seems to tick every box.

You know not all women have the same "boxes", right?

Mind you, massive shrine to parents is not one of mine, but it might be someone's.

@upsetandang

just a table I suppose its not a shrine. a memorial table i suppose. I didn't know what else to call it.

Hang on

There’s a big difference between a shrine and a table

How big is the urn and box?

I have a glass box with a photo of my late father and sone of his possessions in it eg watch, engraved pen I gave him on 75th.

The box is about 4 inches square. It might be that if I didn’t have such a small flat, I’d have a few more photos around the box, I don’t know.

@TheStripes

I keep my daughter’s ashes at home. Having been involved in a lot of charity work with other bereaved parents, it seems fairly normal to me. I suppose it comes down to what brings the person concerned comfort but I know some people can’t cope with other people’s grief.

I do think that it seems to be common amongst bereaved parents to keep their room or a corner dedicated to their child.

While I find that sad especially when it is set up in the form of a shrine, I certainly wouldn't judge it. I think that losing a child is a particularly difficult grief. Sorry for your loss Stripes.

But a similar thing to your parents as a grown man? That seems strange.

Without seeing it, I like the idea of a memorial piece in the house for loved ones which sounds like where his heart is. Personally I’d go low key and perhaps tablets with names around the fire or something... not a fan of keeping ashes in the house but it wouldn’t put me off as the principle seems nice and reflective and I would think indicates a quite well adjusted person balancing history and future.

I didn't have a shrine, but I did have my mother's ashes in the house for quite a time before I felt ready to let go of them. I suppose that would also make some people feel squeamish; we as a culture are not comfortable around any reminders of death.

Some might say those roadside shrines full of soggy, muddy cuddly toys and dead flowers still in cellophane are as mawkish as hell, too. I wouldn't care about living next to a cemetery, for instance, but I would hate it a makeshift one kept bobbing up close to my home, and it's fair to say I would not want any room in my house to resemble a chapel of rest. This would be a reminder too far.

So as far as the shrine is concerned: don't know whether it would put me off, it would depend on whether his general attitude seemed to me 'unhealthy' or not. The pangolin for me would be a definite dealbreaker.

Also, he might like being single!

It would put me off.

He might also be gay, and intensely private about relationships.

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I don’t think I’d be too put off. I once dated a man who seemed totally normal and invited me to his house one night to watch a film. All was going well until he bought out a load of snacks all in bowls made of taxidermy pangolins. I thought they were fake and commented on how they were a bit creepy and really lifelike but also quite amusing. He then told me he’d made them himself and he loved taxidermy.

I didn’t eat any of the Dorito’s and I never saw him again.

I am going to stop reading the internet now because there is no longer any point- I will never ever read anything better than this!

@madcatladyforever

I have a similar shrine to my dead cats. I'm pretty sure it would put most men right off

I've got our last dog's ashes in a little wooden casket on the fireplace.

I know of one culture where dead bodies are kept in the house and visitors are introduced to them as tho they’re alive. A shrine would put me right off. I have my dad’s ashes and my fil’s in the study. Fil’s will be scattered with mil’s next summer in their home town (she just died). My dad’s, I have no idea, but my dm refused to have them so I had to get them so they weren’t disposed of.

I am going to stop reading the internet now because there is no longer any point - I will never ever read anything better than this!

Stellar, wasn't it?

Mind you, you'd need a hell of lot of Doritos to fill those bowls - I just looked it up and even the smallest pangolins are apparently 12 inches long ...

It wouldn't put me off, I have my son's ashes in brass urn on the mantle piece as well as his hand and footprints in a photoframe and a black and white photo of him, he is my son and was only a baby, I want to remember him. I probably wouldn't do the same for my parents, just a photo, but I can't say for sure as they are still alive. Anyone who makes a negative comment about my son's urn and photos is told not to visit again.

Maybe he's lonely and he chats to them when he's at home alone?

Poor man. If he met someone I'd imagine the shrine would be politely moved elsewhere rather quickly...

If I am to believe MN posts, some potential partners might find having their potential PILs in an urn less bother than having them in robust good health on the doorstep.

@OutwiththeOutCrowd

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking.
‘I think society in general needs to move away from statements/attitudes like this which equate being in a couple as success and being single as lacking in success and therefore needing to find a reason why someone is single.’

Agreed.

Puzzled Ah yes I see. Tbf even my DM would be a bit wtf if I had a whole room dedicated to her I did move it from my frontroom though as It is a large ish picture and she was always there, watching my every movement 😂 so I can see everyones point.

I remember my friend telling me she was about to get down and dirty with her new boyfriend and he had a very large tattoo covering one side of his chest of his childhood dog. A rottweiler, growling. Instantly put her off.

It would make me slow down. I'd need to be sure he wasn't expecting me to live by the rules of his parents house. It would also make me think if we wanted to live together we would need a house we had bought together and I'd want to know if he planned to move the shrine into the new house. So, it would give me quite a few reservations.

It wouldn't put me off but it would be going if we moved in together!!

This thread is golden! I do like a bit of ghoulish humour. But I think this ...

I think society in general needs to move away from statements/attitudes like this which equate being in a couple as success and being single as lacking in success and therefore needing to find a reason why someone is single.

Is a very well-made point.

If it was a recent loss no I'd think that he wasn't over it. But several years later. Its a big no from me.