Would you be put off if a potential lover had a massive shrine, including urn, to his parents?

[upsetandang]

This is half hypothetical.
I'm not the potential lover but an old relative of mine had a long sideboard in his living room dedicated to his dead parents, with false flowers and a big wooden urn in the middle which reminded me of a coffin.

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking.
obviously I don't know him in a romantic capacity so I don't know the whole story but I always figured the reason he was single was because of this big memorial in his living room.

Now I'm a woman I can honestly say it would put me off dating someone who didn't tick all the other boxes but this man seems to tick every box.

Would it put you off?

DISCLAIMER

This is lighthearted (idle curiosity- I'm aware I sound horrid but it creeper me out as a child), I will not be approaching anyone about their grief or home decor.

YABU
you would not be put off

YANBU
it would put you off

I used to casually see someone when I was about 18 (he was 23), both of his parents were sadly dead. He had kept all of his mums clothes and moved them from their old house to his new place. He used to take them out to look at them all the time and talked about his parents a lot. As a teen it made me feel really uncomfortable, as an adult who is a mother myself and has lost a parent I feel far more sympathy.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze
it is i suppose, why I wouldn't discuss it in the real world but on an anonymous forum seems fine.

I'm also remembering it from a child's eye, it was scary growing up

My parents ashes are on my wardrobe 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't mind the ashes or photos around but an entire shrine to them? No thank you. It can be very hard to remove these things though, poor man (might stir up worries about forgetting them?).

It would depend on the size. If we're talking covering the entire side board, that's a lot for two people, even parents. My annual set-up for Día de Muertos for several people isn't that big and to have that all the time? I'd be uncomfortable too.

If it's like a vase of flowers and a photo or item or two with the urn, even a big one, it probably wouldn't bother me though, like others said, if it was really prominent I'd wonder why.

I have dried funeral flowers on my mantle as a family memento (and don't want to risk storing it as they're really delicate), but it's alongside other mementos and items that people often don't even notice.

@rainbowbritesgreenfriend
oh my gosh, that is favouritism in the extremes!

I had an ex who's house was barely changed from how his parents had it. It was jarring, but I understood he was still grieving . I even encouraged him when he talked of making a room 'theirs but tackling the rest of the house. Everyone has to cope somehow.

@stschiap

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking. I think society in general needs to move away from statements/attitudes like this which equate being in a couple as success and being single as lacking in success and therefore needing to find a reason why someone is single. Here you are implying that because he has money, is educated etcetc he should be in a relationship because there's no reason why he should "fail" in that aspect of his life. And that people who are single MUST be lacking in some way - whether that's their sense of humour, lack of wealth, not being particularly kind, lacking in the looks department, having a shrine in their living room...

I'm single at the moment and it's because I don't wish to be in a relationship at the moment (and maybe never again). Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship either!
There are also people who are asexual or perhaps he is gay and still in the closet, has never felt able to express himself sexually.
I very much doubt the reason is his shrine!

To answer your question though, it would put me off if I went home with someone and his parents' ashes were sitting there watching us get down to business on the sofa....

This. I hate the constant insinuating that if someone is single there must be something wrong with them!

Was the death of his parents still quite raw for him at the time and that was just his way of coping, or has this shrine been a long standing tribute (20 years +) You said this was from your childhood. A few years in childhood can feel like a lifetime, which isn't any time really to process grief.
I have the ashes of some of a couple of pets dotted about ( in cupboards) mostly because I 'm not sure what to do with them. My mum thinks they're really mawkish. I don't even think about them (Maybe this is why I am single ).

I have a similar shrine to my dead cats. I'm pretty sure it would put most men right off

It sounds unbalanced. Most of us love our parents but ... a shrine? It sounds like he can't cut the apron strings which could cause problems for any future relationships.

I keep my daughter’s ashes at home. Having been involved in a lot of charity work with other bereaved parents, it seems fairly normal to me. I suppose it comes down to what brings the person concerned comfort but I know some people can’t cope with other people’s grief.

I think most women would think I don’t want that in any living Room of mine and that’s a tricky topic to negotiate.

I’m afraid your question is completely overshadowed by eating out of a taxidermied pangolin, you simply can’t beat that

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I don’t think I’d be too put off. I once dated a man who seemed totally normal and invited me to his house one night to watch a film. All was going well until he bought out a load of snacks all in bowls made of taxidermy pangolins. I thought they were fake and commented on how they were a bit creepy and really lifelike but also quite amusing. He then told me he’d made them himself and he loved taxidermy.

I didn’t eat any of the Dorito’s and I never saw him again.

This is one of the funniest things I think I've ever read in all my years on MN.

Sorry! I meant the other one! Prodigal son (some ropey acting not so much sheen)

YANBU, it's weird and I would definitely be put off.

Is it not exaggerating a bit to call it a shrine? You're saying it's actually a table with some flowers and a box that may (or may not) contain their ashes? So not exactly a shrine with candles etc!

I have a specific room in my house that is furnished mostly with my parent's furniture, and full of pictures of them (as well as my children). You could I suppose describe that as a 'shrine'. No doubt some people would think it weird I've still kept these items of furniture after 30 years, but I gain great comfort from sitting in there even now, as they are pieces I remember from my childhood home.

Yep. Way too Norman Bates for me.

How old is he though? I ask because my uncle is in his 60s now and very much a confirmed bachelor. We're all very close to him and he's much loved.

But, we've all long since suspected that he's gay. Because we come from a devout catholic family, and his father in particular was extremely toxically masculine, I do think the bachelor thing was more to do with him not wanting to come out.

He's had lady friends in the past but he also has a very close and constant male friend who I suspect could be/or have been a partner.

I don't think we'll ever know for sure because I don't think he'd ever say it even though we wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Sad, really. He's not unhappy though, I will say that.

No it wouldnt put me off I otherwise liked him.

It would if he constantly spoke about them but actually it's quite sweet he's family orientated. And if he treated me as well as his parents it sounds like he'd be lovely.

@OverThinkingUnderDoing

I don’t think I’d be too put off. I once dated a man who seemed totally normal and invited me to his house one night to watch a film. All was going well until he bought out a load of snacks all in bowls made of taxidermy pangolins. I thought they were fake and commented on how they were a bit creepy and really lifelike but also quite amusing. He then told me he’d made them himself and he loved taxidermy.

I didn’t eat any of the Dorito’s and I never saw him again.

I am very much into the idea of pangolin taxidermy bowls. Glorious.

@madcatladyforever

I have a similar shrine to my dead cats. I'm pretty sure it would put most men right off

Same for my two dogs. I'm aware that it must seem odd to some people but it gives me immense comfort to have their ashes close & to tend to a vase of flowers. I also sometimes bring them things like conkers or blackberries from the park because we used to love our time walking together.

If this guy is otherwise generally nice and well adjusted then it wouldn't bother me.

I have what most here would consider to be a shrine to my son.
I don't really think of it like that but it's mostly photos of him at various points in his 19 years.
Some of his ashes.
A pretty trinket he made me
A few photos of those most effected by his loss
A candle I light every evening

Its a focus, sometimes a challenging one but mostly a comfort.

I can't imagine not having something of it's nature with me wherever I live.
I'm not trying to get over my grief, some things change us too much for that but I am learning to live with it.

I don't really care what others might assume of me because of it.
If a potential partner thought it was a red flag that would be a huge red flag to me

I suppose it’s a cultural thing. We don’t keep ashes with us - they are always scattered (and always cremated for us Hindus), but we have big pictures and shrines of ancestors who have died alongside our religious shrines to god. It wouldn’t be generations but definitely at least parents.

Oh dear, I think I'm a weirdo too then. I have my DMs picture and a dove statue on my cabinet, in my hallway. I didnt realise people would assume I wasnt over her death, odd or whatever else has been said. I've seen similar in most peoples houses.

I do know someone who has every single one of their pets ashes on the main wall in the frontroom, on shelves with pictures etc. That is strange to me and I do think that is unhealthy 🤷🏼‍♀️

Are your parents dead, @upsetandang?