Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be put off if a potential lover had a massive shrine, including urn, to his parents?

124 replies

upsetandang · 23/11/2020 11:10

This is half hypothetical.
I'm not the potential lover but an old relative of mine had a long sideboard in his living room dedicated to his dead parents, with false flowers and a big wooden urn in the middle which reminded me of a coffin.

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking.
obviously I don't know him in a romantic capacity so I don't know the whole story but I always figured the reason he was single was because of this big memorial in his living room.

Now I'm a woman I can honestly say it would put me off dating someone who didn't tick all the other boxes but this man seems to tick every box.

Would it put you off?

DISCLAIMER

This is lighthearted (idle curiosity- I'm aware I sound horrid but it creeper me out as a child), I will not be approaching anyone about their grief or home decor.

YABU
you would not be put off

YANBU
it would put you off

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 23/11/2020 11:46

I would be worried if we moved in together I have three cats...... who like to open boxes ...cremains look like cat litter apparently

CorianderLord · 23/11/2020 11:54

I'd run

Alys20 · 23/11/2020 11:56

Dragging his past into his future, he wouldn't see me for dust (or ashes).

Reminds me of a guy on a married at first sight reality show I saw recently: he has large tattoos of his parents, one on each pectoral. Although they are still alive. Grim AF.

Laiste · 23/11/2020 11:56

All was going well until he bought out a load of snacks all in bowls made of taxidermy pangolins.

Sentence of the year on Mumsnet Grin

slashlover · 23/11/2020 11:57

Does he want to date someone? Maybe he's perfectly happy being single?

WeAllHaveWings · 23/11/2020 11:58

Although it is a bit weird, the actual shrine is not the problem, the underlying reasons why he needs it are. Regardless of your positive impression of him, he will not be a well balanced individual.

Laiste · 23/11/2020 12:02

It would put me off. I've been thinking about how to explain why ...

It's not a cultural thing to do, therefore it could fall into the 'bit quirky' area.

I could cope with someone being a bit quirky about something fun, like a hobby or pet, but being a bit quirky about death would be a red flag for me.

Gosh09 · 23/11/2020 12:02

A bit weird,but maybe he has issues he cant now put right.so its sort of
making him feel okay.

Laiste · 23/11/2020 12:02

Yes @WeAllHaveWings you've put it better.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 23/11/2020 12:04

It wouldn't put me off per se, but it is quite likely that someone who did this would have other issues or characteristics lurking beneath the surface that would make a relationship difficult.

You assume that women were put off but he might have avoided seeking a relationship because of his dedication to the memory of his parents.

But, Remains looming over you in the living room isn't the most romantic of atmospheres for most people.

Spaghettibetty345 · 23/11/2020 12:06

When you say big memorial how big actually is it? It it a whole living room dedicated to his parents or just a corner?

CakeRequired · 23/11/2020 12:07

Yeah it would put me off simply because he hasn't come to terms with their deaths in the slightest at the minimum, and that's the minimum kind of problem you've got there. It's not healthy for him at all. He should talk to someone about that really, it's sad that he is still grieving like that. Sad

rainbowbritesgreenfriend · 23/11/2020 12:08

Yeah it would put me off. If he met someone and they ended up moving in together, I imagine it would cause a few problems!

My PIL have a shrine to SIL in their house (she’s in her 30’s and very much alive and in good health). When I met DH, he had a photo wall in his flat dedicated to SIL’s wedding day. When I moved in, it was the first thing I got rid of Grin.

Laiste · 23/11/2020 12:13

rainbowbritesgreenfriend Shock

Do they not also have a 'shrine' for DH?

rainbowbritesgreenfriend · 23/11/2020 12:17

Do they not also have a 'shrine' for DH?

No - she’s the only daughter and DH is one of several boys. They are very much a family where girls are favoured.

steppemum · 23/11/2020 12:23

yes it would put me off.

maybe not if it was part of his culture, but even then I would wonder if we were compatible if his beliefs include worship of dead realtives.

The only possible way it wouldn't is if he went - Oh that? Yeah it seemed like a good idea at the time, and I've never got round to getting rid of it.

it reflects a pretty fundamental difference of beliefs about life I think.

stschiap · 23/11/2020 12:24

He remains single despite being fairly wealthy, educated, funny, kind and good looking.
I think society in general needs to move away from statements/attitudes like this which equate being in a couple as success and being single as lacking in success and therefore needing to find a reason why someone is single. Here you are implying that because he has money, is educated etcetc he should be in a relationship because there's no reason why he should "fail" in that aspect of his life. And that people who are single MUST be lacking in some way - whether that's their sense of humour, lack of wealth, not being particularly kind, lacking in the looks department, having a shrine in their living room...

I'm single at the moment and it's because I don't wish to be in a relationship at the moment (and maybe never again). Maybe he just doesn't want to be in a relationship either!
There are also people who are asexual or perhaps he is gay and still in the closet, has never felt able to express himself sexually.
I very much doubt the reason is his shrine!

To answer your question though, it would put me off if I went home with someone and his parents' ashes were sitting there watching us get down to business on the sofa....

Original poster
upsetandang · 23/11/2020 12:34

@WeAllHaveWings agree, it made me uncomfortable as a child. I don't know if there are ashes in there, I suppose so but I wouldn't ask. it seems too sensitive and we aren't that close

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetandang · 23/11/2020 12:35

just a table
I suppose its not a shrine. a memorial table i suppose. I didn't know what else to call it.

OP posts:
AuntieMarys · 23/11/2020 12:37

Run for the hills. Bizarre behaviour

BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze · 23/11/2020 12:39

If he’s otherwise a good man, I don’t really see it as an issue. Maybe his single status is because he’s not a very nice person to date or maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship. Some people just don’t.
I have my dogs ashes on a unit with a photo of him and a card from my best friend when he died. Is that a shrine?
I don’t design my home around people I might potentially meet in the future. Confused I think your post is a bit judgemental.

Billben · 23/11/2020 12:39

Yes, it would definitely put me off. Odd behaviour 🤔

Original poster
upsetandang · 23/11/2020 12:40

@steppemum perhaps he set it up in his grief and feels bad to take it down?
it does make me sad to think about it. I don't know why I posted really, I don't want to bring it up with anyone who knows him because I wouldn't want to be horrible about him, I just worried that he was putting a 'display' before moving on.

OP posts:
Original poster
upsetandang · 23/11/2020 12:41

To be honest I haven't been round since I was a teen, he may have taken it down now. but it was up for a good few years even if he'd put it away since then

OP posts:
Yohoheaveho · 23/11/2020 12:43

It seems weird, primitive, 'magical thinking', veneration of the ancestors, as if he has elevated his deceased parents to the status of saints, always watching over him and judging him