Celebrating MILs bday after losing my own

[Squeezycuddle]

Long story short, I don’t like my MiL. She behaves in a way and has many attributes that make me feel so uncomfortable but that’s a long story. I lost my mum 10 days ago and it’s MILs bday tomorrow. My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child. I don’t want to because, quite frankly, even if she was my best friend, I don’t really want to celebrate anyone else’s mums birthday when I haven’t even cremated my own. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and it because I don’t like her (which I suppose it partly is). I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden because it’s a breach of lockdown and I don’t trust her (as a serial rule breaker who does what she likes) to keep her distance from my child and not entice him into the house and I don’t feel my husband is strong enough to stand up to her. What would you do? Should I just suck up and have her in the garden even though it’ll cut like a knife?

Your dh should be supporting you not acting like an insensitive dick.

My Mum died 7 years ago and I can't look at Mother's Day cards let alone pick one up for my dmil who I like and get on well with, but she is my dh's Mum and he must pick up her cards.

What makes the OP's grief even worse is that her mum hasn't even been farewelled/cremated yet.
I'd send the husband to his mother's and tell him to take his time coming back.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Nothing you do now to mind yourself is selfish or unreasonable. If your DH can’t prioritise you now when can he?
He can still send her something, make it a nice bday for her without breaking rules or disregarding you.
Stop caring about what he wants or thinks at the moment, you need to mind you because he clearly can’t, sending you strength x

I am so sorry for your loss and I send lot of love to you.

Please ABSOLUTELY do what feels right for you.

And tell your husband to grow a pair and give him a present of scissors to cut the apron strings if necessary..

I am so very sorry for your loss, losing your mum is like having a piece of your heart torn out.
Your husband is being truly insensitive, probably unintentionally.
Put your foot down, if she has any kind of heart, she will know how you feel, if not, tough!

I am sorry for your loss, but to be blunt life doesn't stop just because someone we love dies, and why should your MIL have to have her birthday ignored. She's only coming to the garden, not having a full-on celebration! It wouldn't bother me at all (and yes, I have lost my DM, earlier this year).

I think your husband and mil are getting an unnecessary battering here.

YABU m, and to keep child with you if he goes to see his mum does seem like a dig to be honest.

She’s his mother and he wants to celebrate her birthday with his child.

I think you’re using Covid as a convenient excuse a tiny bit.

@Squeezycuddle

I’m more than happy for him to go and see her (and per the rules that should be somewhere outdoors but that’s up to them) Perhaps I wasn’t clear on that - I wouldn’t stop him seeing her on her birthday. I just don’t feel ready to join in and would prefer my child is with me.

Your preference regarding your lo is unreasonable. Imagine if this was your mum not mil, you'd want him to see her. As does your husband. You have an issue with your mil, that's your issue, don't involve lo in this. If anything, I'd have thought in your current situation, that may be some time alone would be beneficial.

@CrotchBurn

Fuck that.

What kind of dick is your husband?

Tell.him to go to hers if hes that bothered
Shes not a child

Wow. Bit strong?

What has the DH actually done wrong? Nothing much.

Absolutely no, fuck that. 10 days after your mum died, you get to do whatever you bloody want to get through each day. My dad died 6 years ago, and not only had the same birthday as useless FIL, the date is one of those days that often ends up being Father’s Day. I avoid the whole thing and on years when it’s Father’s Day, we do a separate Father’s Day for DH on a different day.

So sorry for your loss OP. Your husband is a massive dickhead and I'd struggle to forgive him for being so insensitive. Show him this thread.

So sorry about your Mum, I have lost my osn Mum and its one of the worst things you can go through.

Yoir husband is being an insensitive prick and so is your MIL if she is asking to come round for her birthday. Unless she was wanting to come see you and give you sympathy and help you but even then if you didnt want to see her its your choice.
I would tell him you dont feel up to seeing her but he can go see her if he really wants but you dont want to be alone at this time so to leave your children with you x

@eaglejulesk

I am sorry for your loss, but to be blunt life doesn't stop just because someone we love dies, and why should your MIL have to have her birthday ignored. She's only coming to the garden, not having a full-on celebration! It wouldn't bother me at all (and yes, I have lost my DM, earlier this year).

@eaglejulesk just because you feel like that doesn't mean @Squeezycuddle should 🤷‍♀️ Mil should settle for a zoom call with her DS and dgc, op needn't be involved if she doesn't want to, and absolutely does not have to have her turn up in her garden. Did you miss the bit where op said that actually wasn't allowed and she does not want to break rules?

I'm still failing to see why her DH and DC going for a birthday walk with MIL is a problem to people here. It's allowed, and MIL gets her birthday marked (it's hardly a celebration, she just gets to see her DS and DGC for half an hour). And it's no risk to the child at all.

For some reason people seem to want to punish MIL for being alive, when OP's mum isn't. OP might be feeling that way because she's so raw. But that doesn't make it reasonable for people to say to withhold her son and grandchild from MIL on her birthday. And I'm sure OP knows that.

@saraclara
I think people are struggling to understand why a birthday needs to be marked to the extent that it puts a grieving person in discomfort (she wants her child with her)

I mean it's just a birthday, you know?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I would stick to the rules. If in wales your DH is allowed to meet her for a walk (as you can in England) then he can do that and take DS.

I don’t think you should try to stop him seeing his mum though.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I think your H is getting a bit unfair treatment here. Of course you dont want to 'celebrate ' MIL's birthday but I think banning your h and child from a short, outside socially distanced visit is selfish. Just tell him not to go inside and let them get on with it. Imagine how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.

@CrotchBurn

I mean it's just a birthday, you know?

It's just a half hour walk, y'know?

Jeeeze, anyone would thing that MIL was demanding a full on party. She just wants to see her son and grandchild briefly.

Breaking lockdown rules alone is bad enough. There’s millions of people missing out on sharing birthdays with their familes. Very insensitive. I’m sure something can be arranged that doesn’t breK the rules and is considerate.

I think you are being a little unfair.

Imagine the shoe was on the other foot, If it was your M in L that had passed away, and it was your Mums birthday. Would you want to take that short walk & wish your mum a happy day? I think most would.

Dont deny the only grandparent you child has now. Its really not her fault.

I think you would be U to stop your DH taking your DS to visit his mum. it's not U to not want her at yours though.

sorry for your loss, OP, it must be a really difficult time for you