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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Celebrating MILs bday after losing my own

123 replies

Squeezycuddle · 21/11/2020 21:41

Long story short, I don’t like my MiL. She behaves in a way and has many attributes that make me feel so uncomfortable but that’s a long story. I lost my mum 10 days ago and it’s MILs bday tomorrow. My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child. I don’t want to because, quite frankly, even if she was my best friend, I don’t really want to celebrate anyone else’s mums birthday when I haven’t even cremated my own. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and it because I don’t like her (which I suppose it partly is). I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden because it’s a breach of lockdown and I don’t trust her (as a serial rule breaker who does what she likes) to keep her distance from my child and not entice him into the house and I don’t feel my husband is strong enough to stand up to her. What would you do? Should I just suck up and have her in the garden even though it’ll cut like a knife?

OP posts:

BecomeStronger · 21/11/2020 23:16

If your DH is so concerned for his mother why would he break guidelines and put her at risk?

Even if this is becuase he's had a rude awakening, he can't see her atm.

Blackdog19 · 21/11/2020 23:16

I’m so sorry OP. . You shouldn’t feel guilty for not wanting to celebrate your mil’s birthday, you’re grieving.

Tistheseason17 · 21/11/2020 23:17

I'd put my foot down and stay at home with DS. Your DH can go and visit her and breach lockdown if he fancies.
She could have a Zoom catch up.
My Dad has not seen my children in person since Jan.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/11/2020 23:18

What are the rules of the lockdown in your area?

sotiredofthislonelylife · 21/11/2020 23:21

I would just say, how would you feel if the situation was reversed? I get so sick and tired of these ‘MIL’ moans. I fully understand that you are grieving, and hopefully your DH is supporting you at this most difficult time, but life goes on. Would you refuse to allow your own DM to come to see her DGC on her birthday, if it was your MIL who had recently died?

IronNeonClasp · 21/11/2020 23:22

saraclara I think your posts are the least helpful if I'm frank.

No one should have to compromise on what her DH is proposing and I state again 10 days after she's lost her DM.*
*

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 21/11/2020 23:25

I think both your DH and his mother are being insensitive dicks. You lost your mother 10 days ago, the birthday celebrations can take place at hers. If he can't even prioritise your wishes at a time like this you have a big problem.
I have a spineless arse of a DH who let his awful parents treat the rest of us like shit and he never said a word or stood up to them. It was the easy option. However it just made the situation worse in the long run between me and DH and between me and PIL. I sympathise.

MummaGiles · 21/11/2020 23:29

My Dad died in the summer. My DH understood without us even having to have the conversation why I didn’t see my in-laws for a while. Your DH needs to let you grieve. I’m so sorry about your mum, OP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/11/2020 23:31

[quote Squeezycuddle]@saraclara - yes you’re probably right and I can understand what you’re saying. I just feel uncomfortable given she has had total disregard of any lockdown rules (including being in and out of other people’s houses incessantly including someone who works in a hospital) and so I don’t feel the risk is minimal. I wouldn’t let my child in and out of those other people’s houses but not being there to keep him at a distance from her would mean he’s indirectly in contact with many others. That’s what I feel uncomfortable about (apart from my child then also breaking the rules which I feel strongly should be obeyed by all). Perhaps you’re right though and I should just accept it.[/quote]
No you shouldn't just accept it. You've identified why its a risk, you've just lost your mum and your DH should be more understanding of this. Let him visit if he wants but there's a lockdown for a reason. It would be different if you could trust her to stick to the rules.
I got pressured into going to a big in laws "gathering" four days after my Mum's funeral and I really wish I'd put my foot down. If he can't back you up at a time like this when will he?

Helendee · 21/11/2020 23:32

Let your DH go and see his mum, then when he comes back you can get your little one to FaceTime/ Zoom granny on her special day. It will make her day.
Whether you like her or not is irrelevant, it’s what you do as a mature adult.
I am very sorry to hear about your mum. Take care.

CarolinaPink · 21/11/2020 23:32

I'm very sorry for the loss of your mum x

I think your husband should go over to his mother's, and take your daughter. Hopefully you'll be able to trust him not to do anything risky.

saraclara · 21/11/2020 23:33

@IronNeonClasp

saraclara I think your posts are the least helpful if I'm frank.

No one should have to compromise on what her DH is proposing and I state again 10 days after she's lost her DM.*
*

Life isn't that simple though. None of us is an island.

I had to make compromises the very day my husband died at home, and throughout those early days. Three of us were directly bereaved. My daughters and I were very close, but of course not all of us wanted or needed the same things. Every decision was hard, from when to have his body taken away, to every funeral decision. We didn't argue about it, but we didn't all get what we wanted. We had to weigh things up and do the best we could.

If OP completely puts her foot down, then life will be awkward on that day. That might make the atmosphere around her difficult. Maybe that compromise of getting DH to got for a birthday walk with MIL and his DC (away from her house so they can't go in) would satisfy him and give OP a restful afternoon.

Feedingthebirds1 · 21/11/2020 23:43

Would you refuse to allow your own DM to come to see her DGC on her birthday, if it was your MIL who had recently died?

The way you've phrased that suggests you think her attitude would be very different. But perhaps if it was his mum who'd died, she and her own DM might not try to make it all about them.

he just has real trouble prioritising his wife over his mother in fear of upsetting her

And that's the nub of it. This isn't the first time he's put her before you, but it's the worst. You've always been expected to put up and shut up while he plays nice with mum at your expense. So this isn't about suddenly realising that his mother is mortal, it's been happening for a long time before this.

GreatBritishBachOff · 21/11/2020 23:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IronNeonClasp · 21/11/2020 23:53

Saraclara I'm sorry about your husband etc but this is entirely different.

DH should be supporting OP not putting pressure on to host a lunch tea for her birthday 10 days after she's just lost her own Mum. OP is asking for a reality check on whether she's being unreasonable that he's making this demand. OP is perfectly in her right to decline whilst grieving.

FFS read the original post.

Boulshired · 21/11/2020 23:58

Your home should be your sanctuary when you really need it to be. The problem lies with you not trusting your DH to keep your child safe if he visits MIL. You have been provided two choices the insensitive one and the one were you are not in control of contact.

saraclara · 21/11/2020 23:59

@IronNeonClasp

Saraclara I'm sorry about your husband etc but this is entirely different.

FFS read the original post.

There's no mention of OP hosting, or of lunch or tea in the OP

My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child

OP could even opt out completely and tell DH to tell his mum she needs a nap due to her grief. But she won't because she doesn't believe he'll prevent his Mum coming in the house.

Another compromise would be to make him promise not to do that, and for her to stay out of the way completely.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/11/2020 23:59

I’ve reported your post to MN @GreatBritishBachOff think you meant to post on another thread

PortalooSunset · 22/11/2020 00:13

Oh god no, you are so very far from unreasonable! Even if you really got on well that would be way too huge an ask at this stage!

I'm so very sorry for your loss

QuestionEverythingOrBeASheep · 22/11/2020 00:24

@CrotchBurn

Fuck that.

What kind of dick is your husband?

Tell.him to go to hers if hes that bothered
Shes not a child

Ditto this perfect comment.

qwertyuiop098 · 22/11/2020 00:35

What happened in the end OP? Hope you are doing okay

Elizabella · 22/11/2020 00:48

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. In fact, I think your DH and MIL are the ones being HIGHLY insensitive! How could they imagine you would be happy to 'celebrate' anything let alone someone else's mother's birthday when you haven't even been able to bury your own mum. I am so sorry for your loss and you are in a very fragile state right now. Explain to him how this is making you feel and tell him he is more than welcome to do whatever he wants to celebrate his mother's birthday but not to expect you to participate for obvious reasons. You don't wish MIL any ill but it is just too much for you to cope with right now. I do hope that you are getting support. Please remember the CRUSE bereavement helpline. They are fantastic and have excellent online resources in addition to helplines where you can discuss anything/everything in confidence. I really feel for you and send you (((big hugs)))

bevm72yellow · 22/11/2020 01:00

I am so sorry for your loss. You have no need to be obligated to celebrate for anyone else ,any occasion, at this time. And no you are not being unreasonable.Your husband is being insensitive and should push along to his Mums himself with your child at a distance. Dont allow anyone to undermine or dismiss your feelings. Your feelings should be accomodated not dismissed..

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/11/2020 01:11

Op this is so awful and loosing your own dm when your Mil is not kind is hideous.

It's a sensation with which I'm all-too familiar, as is the sense of betrayal by DH. 'Hideous' is the right word. There is nothing I can usefully add other than my sincerest condolences on the loss of your Mum.

TidyDancer · 22/11/2020 01:23

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. It's completely understandable how you feel. If you don't think MIL will keep her distance from your DC it would be best for DS to stay with you. If DH wants to take DS he needs to ensure it's just a quick stop at her house to drop off a present and card and MIL sees DS through the window.

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