Celebrating MILs bday after losing my own

[Squeezycuddle]

Long story short, I don’t like my MiL. She behaves in a way and has many attributes that make me feel so uncomfortable but that’s a long story. I lost my mum 10 days ago and it’s MILs bday tomorrow. My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child. I don’t want to because, quite frankly, even if she was my best friend, I don’t really want to celebrate anyone else’s mums birthday when I haven’t even cremated my own. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and it because I don’t like her (which I suppose it partly is). I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden because it’s a breach of lockdown and I don’t trust her (as a serial rule breaker who does what she likes) to keep her distance from my child and not entice him into the house and I don’t feel my husband is strong enough to stand up to her. What would you do? Should I just suck up and have her in the garden even though it’ll cut like a knife?

[saraclara]

So yep, the compromise is that they go for a birthday walk. If you DC uses a buggy she can push him.

Surely that's okay? You can stay home and have a bit of peace.

[Winterwoollies]

Oh Squeezy I’m so sorry for the loss of your mum.
I’m also sorry you have a nasty old boot as a MIL and a spineless weed for a husband. YOU should be his priority. You’re grieving. His difficult mother should not be his priority when his wife has just lost her mum.
He’s either spineless or just a complete prick. I’m hoping the former.
Curl up with your daughter in bed, watch a wintry film and check out entirely of the situation. He should not be pestering you with this trivial bollocks. Especially if it’s breaching the rules anyway.

[TheRubyRedshoes]

Op have your child with you and let hon do 2 mins face time with son he can help her if she can't do it

[CrotchBurn]

@saraclara
Are adults really this fragile that their birthday gets turned into a massive deal that their grandchild simply must attend?

People are so selfish. Christ knows how this MIL would cope if they lived abroad

[MadamShazam]

I am so sorry for your loss 10 days is no time at all. I lost my Dad 5 weeks ago, and I'm still in bits, and don't want anyone round my house. Your husband is being entirely selfish, as is MIL. Tell them both to fuck off our for the day. You need time and space to grieve, nor entertain a woman you don't like in your home. No chance. My MIL who i like, came to stay 2 weeks after my Dad died, and I really struggled having her in my house.

[saraclara]

[quote CrotchBurn]@saraclara
Are adults really this fragile that their birthday gets turned into a massive deal that their grandchild simply must attend?

People are so selfish. Christ knows how this MIL would cope if they lived abroad[/quote]
I'm not saying her birthday's a massive deal.

I'm saying that her DS and DG meeting her for a walk isn't a massive deal. It seems perfectly doable to me.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

I’m so sorry you’ve lost your mum

He can go and stand around in her garden or wherever they like outside. No to DS going. No to you going. No to having her over. Absolutely no fucking way to him trying to guilt trip you while you’re grieving. What a complete arsehole. Hope you’ve got other people to support you.

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

I think you’re very wrong to not let him take his child to his mother on her birthday. Keeping your child at home with you seems like a petty dog at your MIL.

However as per other posters, I’m so sorry about your mother and definitely don’t have her to yours or stay inside

[CrotchBurn]

@saraclara
It isnt doable to the OP though and shes the priority here not the MIL

[TheRubyRedshoes]

Sara, op wants to be with her child.... For the comfort too so Mil will have to put her dil first at this time and do without.

We can all project our own situation but really they are not helpful unless it's a similar set up.

Having a good relationship with your pils means your happiness to share his bday is not relevant at this time. For op it's emotionally brutal.

[Squeezycuddle]

@saraclara - yes you’re probably right and I can understand what you’re saying. I just feel uncomfortable given she has had total disregard of any lockdown rules (including being in and out of other people’s houses incessantly including someone who works in a hospital) and so I don’t feel the risk is minimal. I wouldn’t let my child in and out of those other people’s houses but not being there to keep him at a distance from her would mean he’s indirectly in contact with many others. That’s what I feel uncomfortable about (apart from my child then also breaking the rules which I feel strongly should be obeyed by all). Perhaps you’re right though and I should just accept it.

[beavisandbutthead]

sorry but what the DH is proposing is breaching lock down rules. Seems some folks have ignored that fact when stating OP is being petty. My DH has terminal cancer and hasnt seen his parents or brother for months due to the pandemic, they follow the rules. Seems alot of folks on MN dont.

Sorry for the loss of your mum OP, let your DH see his mum if he wishes and keep your DC at home. Make sure he showers and anti bac on return as it sounds like he wont be social distancing

[cdtaylornats]

Her DH is not being a dick. Pergaps the death of the OPs mother has made him realise that currently death is a danger for old people.

If say DHs mother gets Covid and dies after you've blocked her coming round, do you think your marriage would survive?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

@cdtaylornats

Her DH is not being a dick. Pergaps the death of the OPs mother has made him realise that currently death is a danger for old people.

If say DHs mother gets Covid and dies after you've blocked her coming round, do you think your marriage would survive?

OP isn’t stopping her husband from seeing his mother. She’s declining hosting it or being there. She’s also entitled to keep their child away as MIL doesn’t care about the rules. He is absolutely being a dick by involving OP in this rather than saying “popping to mum’s on x day with presents and a quick chat in the garden”.

[Shortfeet]

At this rate EVERYONE will have experienced a “lockdown birthday “.

He shouldn’t be making an exception to the rules for anyone.

[Tartyflette]

I would ask your DH how he would feel if your positions were reversed, that he had just lost his DM but you were telling him he now had to celebrate and host your DM/his MIL's birthday.
Please don't go along with this, it's a shitty thing to ask of you. He is completely ignoring your grief.
Your feelings should come first at this sad time. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[PhoebeSnow]

I am sorry for your loss, op.
I don’t like my my mil , we have nothing in common except we both love my dh and dc. She and I are very different people, it is what it is.
Life is short , would it cost you too much to let
your dh take your daughter to her house, just for a wee while?

[Dishwashersaurous]

You have just experienced the most enormous grief loss.

You need your husband with you.

It’s currently against the law for people to meet up ( two individuals may meet for exercise).

But actually maybe letting him take the toddler out for an hour to allow you to cry and sleep is probably a really good idea.

[Dishwashersaurous]

How old is your child? Is it possible for the child to be in a buggy thus minimise any risk

[oakleaffy]

@Shortfeet

At this rate EVERYONE will have experienced a “lockdown birthday “.

He shouldn’t be making an exception to the rules for anyone.

So true!
And many of us in days of the ''Proper'' Lockdown back in April when people were really anxious.

Nowadays, I feel people aren't taking it as seriously.


Walks, as long as there are no cars, and absolutely no touching is ok.

@Squeezycuddle I am really sorry for loss of your Mum.

[saraclara]

Her DH is not being a dick. Perhaps the death of the OPs mother has made him realise that currently death is a danger for old people.

That. My friend, my age, died of Covid early on in this whole horrible episode. Since then my adult daughters have been especially attentive to me. They see much more of me (where guidance permits) and if there's an opportunity to catch up with me, even for a few minutes, they take it.

It clearly shook them up to realise that I was in a higher risk category and the threat was real. I imagine that to your husband, having you lose your mum has made him feel that he should make the effort with his own.

[essexmum777]

op - you are the one that has just lost your mum, do whatever you need to do to get through this

[IronNeonClasp]

Suggesting OP obliges is SO unfair some of your posts are laden with guilt ffs!

The OP lost her Mum 10 days ago. Where is your fucking empathy? Christ alive.

[saraclara]

@IronNeonClasp

Suggesting OP obliges is SO unfair some of your posts are laden with guilt ffs!

The OP lost her Mum 10 days ago. Where is your fucking empathy? Christ alive.

Has anyone suggested that? Most either agree with the OP, or have suggested a compromise - that DH takes her DC to see MIL instead and let her rest at home.

You don't have to be fully on one side or another. This seems to be a situation in which it's reasonably easy to find a compromise. But it's down to OP and he DH as to whether they can accept the compromise, or whether OP's grief is going to be made worse by a big argument, or DH has to feel guilty about not seeing his Mum on her lockdown birthday.

[ClaireP20]

This is so cruel if your husband. He should drive there and drop a present off, say hello etc, on his own. Asking you to celebrate his mum's birthday when your own mother recently passed. It doesn't matter if you like her or not, it is about allowing you to grieve rather than sit in the garden playing happy families. Why can't he go to see her on his own? Do a drive by and a hello? I'm so sorry OP, he sounds very cruel actually