Page 2 | Celebrating MILs bday after losing my own

Squeezycuddle · 2020-11-21T21:41:39+00:00

Long story short, I don’t like my MiL. She behaves in a way and has many attributes that make me feel so uncomfortable but that’s a long story. I lost my mum 10 days ago and it’s MILs bday tomorrow. My husband wants to invite her over into the garden (even though that’s not allowed here in Wales) to acknowledge her birthday and so she can see our child. I don’t want to because, quite frankly, even if she was my best friend, I don’t really want to celebrate anyone else’s mums birthday when I haven’t even cremated my own. My husband thinks I’m being unreasonable and it because I don’t like her (which I suppose it partly is). I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden because it’s a breach of lockdown and I don’t trust her (as a serial rule breaker who does what she likes) to keep her distance from my child and not entice him into the house and I don’t feel my husband is strong enough to stand up to her. What would you do? Should I just suck up and have her in the garden even though it’ll cut like a knife?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 21/11/2020 22:07

I'm sorry, your husband is a fuckwit.

He could take your DC to visit her in her garden, but asking you to entertain her at this point in time is outrageous.

Original poster

Squeezycuddle · 21/11/2020 22:08

Thanks for your comments everyone - it’s a bit of a relief to have a sanity check as to how I feel. DH is not a bad person - he just has real trouble prioritising his wife over his mother in fear of upsetting her and I feel so let down at the time I need him the most. It’s always been an uphill struggle to get him to realise this (and I’m always made out to be the ‘weird’ one by him/MIL) but I’m really feeling the strain at the moment

OP posts:

MotherExtraordinaire · 21/11/2020 22:10

Sorry for your loss, but sadly, life does go on.

I think that if you dislike her so, let oh take your child. And just not think about what they'll do nor question him after.

JustanotherTuesday · 21/11/2020 22:11

I'm so very sorry for your loss. My DM passed away a month ago and it just seems so much harder during lockdown. Everything seems such a struggle at the moment.You shouldn't have to do anything you don't want to. Has he been supportive at all ?

CrotchBurn · 21/11/2020 22:11

@Squeezycuddle
I so hear you. Will he refuse to see it from your perspective?

CrotchBurn · 21/11/2020 22:12

@MotherExtraordinaire
Life goes on but not necessarily to the extent of a grieving woman hosting some petulant child MILs birthday party

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 21/11/2020 22:13

YANBU. I hope you’re okay, OP. Hugs to you xxxx

Mischance · 21/11/2020 22:15

I am so sorry about your Mum - it is so hard.

I hope that between you you manage to come up with a solution - maybe send OH round to her for the birthday and let her see her GC on zoom.

Aurorie11 · 21/11/2020 22:16

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here. My Mum died earlier this year, it was my MILs birthday 16 days later (just had to work that out). This all happened in the first lockdown my DH and kids went and dropped over a present at the door, yes I’d lost my Mum but don’t know how many years MIL has got left so wouldn’t have wanted MIL not to see her son and grandchildren on her birthday.
Sorry for your loss

Thermo · 21/11/2020 22:16

Your husband is being a total dick. For being insensitive and for inviting her round.
And also her seeing your child “only” a dozen times is probably a great deal more than many so don’t worry about that!

oakleaffy · 21/11/2020 22:18

@Squeezycuddle
You have a son...
One day YOU will be a MIL.

Mark my wiords, if you get a tricky DIL - or SIL if your son is Gay, and you will feel very differently..

Don’t begrudge your DH the chance to see his mum.. and I speak as someone who lost a mother as a child.

GlowingOrb · 21/11/2020 22:18

You don’t need to attend this celebration, but your husband and child should be able to meet outside and maintain a proper Social distance and see his mother for her birthday. Or tell him to go get her flowers and delivery them to her door and stand back. You can take the opportunity to wallow child free for a bit.

I say this as someone who lost my own mother. It’s devastating and you deserve a bit of quiet time, but your husband should
Still be allowed to acknowledge his own mother on her birthday.

Waveysnail · 21/11/2020 22:20

Let him take DC to his mums. I think you are being a bit unfair not to allow that.

ancientgran · 21/11/2020 22:20

I've had my birthday in lockdown, all my kids phoned and said how bad they felt that they couldn't see me. I just said I've had nearly 70 of them so one more wasn't a big deal. With everything going on I really think sitting in a cold (probably wet) garden isn't going to be a birthday treat for anyone.

If he insists let him go. Take care of yourself, losing my mother was the worst thing I have ever dealt with, I used to hold it together for the kids and then every night I would take the dog for a walk and cry and wail for an hour, it was OK on dark winter nights but as the nights got lighter it got a bit more awkward. I certainly couldn't have celebrated anything 10 days after my mother died, it was more like 10 months.

SunShinesStill · 21/11/2020 22:22

So very sorry.
Of course you don’t need to celebrate your MIL whistle grieving and no @MotherExtraordinaire she does not need to allow her child to go into her MIL house.

ancientgran · 21/11/2020 22:23

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here. My Mum died earlier this year, it was my MILs birthday 16 days later (just had to work that out). This all happened in the first lockdown my DH and kids went and dropped over a present at the door, yes I’d lost my Mum but don’t know how many years MIL has got left so wouldn’t have wanted MIL not to see her son and grandchildren on her birthday. Her husband wants her to host his mother so not the same thing at all.

saraclara · 21/11/2020 22:23

Grief is horrible, but I'm far from convinced that MIL should have the fallout from it.

I lost the father I adored in the middle of December one year. We still saw my PIL's on Boxing Day and celebrated FIL's birthday a few days after that.
I found it strangely comforting if anything, to be around my other family.

But of course everything hinges on the relationship with your PILs. It sounds as though your DH is right and you dislike her. From his point of view it's unfair that you're making this decision through that lens. For you it's harder to be with her when you're grieving, because she's not someone you're comfortable having around.

Neither of you re being entirely unreasonable, but maybe there's a compromise somewhere?

Original poster

Squeezycuddle · 21/11/2020 22:24

I’m more than happy for him to go and see her (and per the rules that should be somewhere outdoors but that’s up to them) Perhaps I wasn’t clear on that - I wouldn’t stop him seeing her on her birthday. I just don’t feel ready to join in and would prefer my child is with me.

OP posts:

TheWordWomanIsTaken · 21/11/2020 22:25

@Squeezycuddle

I should add to be fair to him/MIL that because of Covid, she’s only seen our child about a dozen times since the first lockdown.

I've seen my granddaughter twice since the original lockdown. As someone who tolerated an intolerable mil for many years, I say do not do anything you don't want to do. You need to put yourself first and grieve your own mum. Tell your husband that he can go to his mums on his own. I'm sorry you have to miss your mum

ancientgran · 21/11/2020 22:25

I lost the father I adored in the middle of December one year. We still saw my PIL's on Boxing Day and celebrated FIL's birthday a few days after that.

Did you host them in your garden on a cold wet day?

I found it strangely comforting if anything, to be around my other family.

If you had hosted them in a cold wet garden during a pandemic it might have been less comforting.

Jumbogirl · 21/11/2020 22:26

I had something very similar OP - pressure to "celebrate" for BIL's birthday 10 days after my sister had died in terrible circumstances. I wish I had stood up for myself better. Sorry your DH isn't sticking up for you but you are 100% right in your thinking. Stand your ground darling.

Calmandmeasured1 · 21/11/2020 22:26

I am so sorry for your loss. No, don't have your MIL over for her birthday. Why should you be expected to put on a bright face when you have just lost your mum and also have to break covid rules against your better judgement? Your DH is being amazingly insensitive. I'd tell him to bloody well go and stay with her permanently.

saraclara · 21/11/2020 22:26

@Squeezycuddle

I’m more than happy for him to go and see her (and per the rules that should be somewhere outdoors but that’s up to them) Perhaps I wasn’t clear on that - I wouldn’t stop him seeing her on her birthday. I just don’t feel ready to join in and would prefer my child is with me.

Most of that reads fine. Except the last bit. For goodness' sake let her see her grandchild on her birthday. The risk is absolutely minimal.

TheRubyRedshoes · 21/11/2020 22:27

Zoom and face time... Send a present round hamper, flowers...

Op this is so awful and loosing your own dm when your Mil is not kind is hideous.

Unfortunately as you know its a dh problem.
If he can't understand your feelings right now when it's this big, loosing a parent then I don't think he ever will...

Aurorie11 · 21/11/2020 22:28

@ancientgran

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here. My Mum died earlier this year, it was my MILs birthday 16 days later (just had to work that out). This all happened in the first lockdown my DH and kids went and dropped over a present at the door, yes I’d lost my Mum but don’t know how many years MIL has got left so wouldn’t have wanted MIL not to see her son and grandchildren on her birthday. Her husband wants her to host his mother so not the same thing at all.

I was commenting on the part where the OP said I’m also not happy for him to take our 2 year old over to her garden