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AIBU?

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Original poster

Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

522 replies

Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 12:16

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 21/11/2020 14:49

It is up to them and they've clearly thought carefully about it and have had the respect to pre-warn you.
But it's really important that you and your DB let them know how you feel if it is an issue, what if your marriages broke down and you ended up poorer than DS. You need to discuss it with your parents, get it all out in the open and make sure that they've considered all scenario's - and then if their decision is the same then yes, it is fair, it's their money, their choice. Just don't leave it too late to TALK!

Checkyourvoicemail · 21/11/2020 14:51

I don't think it has to be fair. It should be by need and circumstances. I have a brother with aspergers who never finished his education and has never been able to buy his own house or hold down a steady job. I own my own house outright and have a decent job. My brother 'deserves' more than me. £50,000 to my brother will change his life, to me, it would be spent on frittered away on treats and saved for a rainy day.

If we do get the same, I'll give my share to him any way.

NativityDreaming · 21/11/2020 14:51

It is totally your parents’ decision and though your brother may not like it I think he is being unreasonable.

I think it is about equity.

Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.
canigooutyet · 21/11/2020 14:51

Oh crap just read that back, sounds like I'm giving them nothing.
It takes into considerations what they want plus of course me and them

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 14:51

I am not sure why I’m getting bitterness about the 50k 🤣
I asked outright for the money because at the time for the first time since having DS1 I felt floored. I didn’t want upheaval my DS1 live even more so I I openly asked.
I have no idea whether either of my siblings have asked or what support they got between them.
I know My DB was helped with education which is because he was the one who more academic and wanted that.
I know my parents would have never ever let my sister go hungry etc and would always help her out if she asked.
I know I was lucky which I have stayed numerous time’s that my parents were able to help me at the worse the time in my life. I have also stated I wouldn’t be upset if it was taken from my inheritance.

OP posts:
Booboobibles · 21/11/2020 14:52

I think it’s fair. Your DS has no security and will potentially end up retired without her own home and living in poverty.

I’m extremely lucky that one of my siblings has instructed my parents to leave their share of the inheritance to me. This has changed my life to one of complete and utter hopelessness, insecurity and stress, to one in which I have a future. Therefore my physical and mental health has improved and my children will hopefully have their mother around for much longer.

I do have a disability btw but some of us get off the a bad start and are generally not as good at coping with life.

AnotherEmma · 21/11/2020 14:52

Not bitterness at all. Just saying that I was your parent I'd want to even it out.

EmilySpinach · 21/11/2020 14:53

I think this is all academic until you know how your sister feels (and I appreciate you haven't yet had the chance to have that conversation).

Most responses on the thread have assumed that she would want the extra money. I am not at all sure that she would.

ancientgran · 21/11/2020 14:54

I think you owe it to your children to treat them fairly financially So should the brother have been helped with uni? Was that fair, OP didn't go, the sister would have got a bursary and no fees so they didn't need support at uni he did. Brother and sister didn't have a child with a potentially terminal illness so the OP got the support. Sister hasn't got a house so she gets help.

Why is it only the help to the sister that isn't fair? Is it because they will be dead? If so maybe they should sign it over to her now.

TheDowagerDuchess · 21/11/2020 14:57

Seems to make sense to keep the house going to one child as then it doesn’t need to be sold.

canigooutyet · 21/11/2020 14:57

It also helps to regularly update wills for when circumstances change. If one of their circumstances change before I die, I change if this needs to be reflected at the time. Like when they turned 18 and other times when they have become less independent on me and adults in their own rights.

TheDowagerDuchess · 21/11/2020 14:57

In your particular circumstances that is.

stackemhigh · 21/11/2020 14:58

As someone whose sibling has ensured the family go to them, leaving out 4 siblings, I can see why your DB is hurt.

How much is the house worth? Sounds like DB is on £120k pa at least?

ancientgran · 21/11/2020 14:59

I guess you didn't read my post at 13.54, in which I wrote: It was kind of them to give you the £50k when you needed it. But in their position I would have tried to redress the balance by offering your siblings money too - not necessarily immediately if they couldn't afford to give you all the money at once, but certainly as soon as possible afterwards.

I did read it but that doesn't answer the point of if they only had £50k and couldn't redress the balance? If that was the case should they have helped the child in most need or not?

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 21/11/2020 15:00

[quote Whattheactual20201]@NellWilsonsWhiteHair it’s weird you say that because I suppose each sibling will have their own views on the family household and see it from their own experience.

In my view - DB was “ golden “ child but in his view that might of mean - pressure.[/quote]
This is one of the things i was thinking, the stories leading up to the point in time when parents look at what we’ve got and decide what we need, are really different from every perspective.

Ideally none of us would be comparing our lives with our siblings, we’d be thinking ‘well here are the blessings I count, here are the things I plan to change, here are the disappointments or frustrations I can live with...’ but obviously, planning an inheritance compels comparison!

If the family dynamic is such that you can see your DB as GC, that feels already an unfortunate starting point for this sort of thing. Sad

TableFlowerss · 21/11/2020 15:01

@Checkyourvoicemail

I don't think it has to be fair. It should be by need and circumstances. I have a brother with aspergers who never finished his education and has never been able to buy his own house or hold down a steady job. I own my own house outright and have a decent job. My brother 'deserves' more than me. £50,000 to my brother will change his life, to me, it would be spent on frittered away on treats and saved for a rainy day.

If we do get the same, I'll give my share to him any way.

That’s different though as he has a disability. I think most people that think it should be equal, don’t include when a sibling has a disability.
CheltenhamLady · 21/11/2020 15:01

I think there is a difference between supporting children in times of need and what you leave to them. The 50k you received OP was for a very immediate and specific need. I don't think I would have doled the equivalent out to my other children under those circumstances, nor would they expect that. If later, they had an event which they needed help for (illness, redundancy, divorce etc) I would have been happy to do it at that point but not just to balance the scales.

However, I would only ever leave my estate equally as I would not want any lingering bad feeling between them when I was gone.

velvetlamp · 21/11/2020 15:01

My mum told me she's leaving everything to my sister as she's not married. My sister already has more in assets than me and dh together.
I am nc with my mum. I couldn't believe the unfairness of it but also because it brought up so many issues that I kind of thought all along which may be how your brother feels. I'm doing ok but it's irrelevant.
I believe Inheritance should be equal. Who knows where you'll be in life when you actually inherit.

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 15:04

@stackemhigh
He is on one 100k a year yes and his wife is also on over 50 ( I don’t know the actual amount )
They have 2 houses one they live in and one that they rent out.

OP posts:
PeggyPorschen · 21/11/2020 15:06

f if they only had £50k and couldn't redress the balance? If that was the case should they have helped the child in most need or not?

If you only have £50k, unless there are some life-saving treatment involved, then you don't give it all to one child. If you help one child, you help (or you save) the same amount for the others.

Parents need to be fair, and treat all their children in the same way and give them the same opportunities, and the same financial help.

Even if a parent has a favourite, they shouldn't make it obvious. You chose to have kids!

Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 15:06

One - over

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactual20201 · 21/11/2020 15:06

@PeggyPorschen I am definitely not
The favourite.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 21/11/2020 15:07

"I did read it but that doesn't answer the point of if they only had £50k and couldn't redress the balance? If that was the case should they have helped the child in most need or not?"

At no point have I said that they shouldn't have helped OP when she needed it.

If they don't have £100k to give to the others by now, they certainly will have by the time they downsize. Also, the mother says she doesn't want her husband's money which suggests that he has money to leave.

If £50k was all I had to give, and all I was likely to ever have, I would hesitate to give it all to one child, but it sounds as if the OP's parents are comfortably off and were always going to have another £100k to give at some point or another. Fortunately for everyone!

Stripesnomore · 21/11/2020 15:07

The greatest gift you can leave a child is a close relationship with siblings. If you split inheritance unequally, wave goodbye to that.

5zeds · 21/11/2020 15:07

We will leave pocket money to our disabled child and split the rest equally between the other siblings.