If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

I had to ghost a friend for my emotional wellbeing after she changed over time into a covert narcissist. I wish I’d recognised the signs sooner. She was able to hide her domineering side for a long time. I knew she was bitter and angry about certain things in her life (and thought the world owed her something) but in our last few conversations she belittled me and was hugely condescending. It was like she was the teacher and I was the stupid ignorant child with no experience of the world or any kind of hardship, despite knowing a lot of what I’d been through. She got very aggressive and had a go at me for being white, although she’s married to a white man (quiet and timid and does what he’s told).
She had a tendency to get on her high horse and shout her political views and virtue signal on social media. She announced on social media that she was preparing for her mother to die as soon as Covid broke out, because her mum had some underlying health conditions. She loved creating drama and being the centre of attention. I think someone must have pulled her up on the post about her mum because she tritely apologised for it. As far as I’m aware her mum has thankfully been fine.
I reckoned that there’s point in reasoning with people like that (she’s always right and the authority on everything) so I just stopped contacting her. It was very sad at the time but I feel a weight has lifted. It’s nice to not have to listen to her boasting about how much money she’s making in a job she hates, trying to get me to compete with her.
The experience has helped me be more aware of toxic personality types. Alarm bells should have rung a few years ago when she told me laughing about not taking the pill, in order to try to get pregnant, while her husband never wanted children and was due to get the snip shortly after. He never knew and probably still doesn’t.

My ex friend always had some form of drama going on, and then started lying about EVERYTHING. Perhaps to create more drama who knows. I was already starting to distance but she was a bridesmaid at my wedding.

At the wedding, she got extremely drunk, ordered rounds of shots for everyone and charged theme to mine and DH room. They did a sweepstake for the first dance song and she stole the money. Then she tried to kiss my brother.

Safe to say that day was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her!

Just like others have said, when you are doing all of the leg work and getting nothing back what is the point? I eventually received a text and a letter asking how I was and if I wanted to meet up. In reality, I could have been dead and she wouldn’t have known so I didn’t see the point in replying.

Yes because I was always the one making all the effort and I got fed up. For me a random text once every 6 months isn't enough to sustain a friendship. She had one kid and didn't work but was so busy all the time, too busy for me. I had two babies within a small time frame and was working part time and she would be upset if I didn't initiate contact. I had just had enough.

With a second friend she was always so negative, whenever I tried to discuss issues I was having hers were always so much worse. She never provided a sympathetic ear or emotional support but I was supposed to do so for her. I found her draining and didn't look forward to her calls.

Her husband was a complete twat, he would make horrible remarks to my daughters and torment them.as toddlers just to make them cry. Always commenting on my parenting and how they would do things so much better when they had kids. Final straw they both let me down badly bu him telling tales to ex-H when I left him.for being abusive resulting in him being more abusive - confidential stuff that I told her that she told her husband and he passed on to my ex. They didn't even like my ex but clearly loved shit stirring. She never spoke up to her husband when he was doing any of this. I moved an hour away and just stopped answering her calls until she took the hint. We had been friends since nursery school. I've since found out that they split and she is re married but I wouldn't get back in touch.

In January of this year I ghosted someone who I had been very close to for the past 5 years. Sadly I found out that she had lied about me to a mutual friend, damaging that relationship, and when I had contacted her asking if she knew of any reason why mutual friend would be upset with/ignoring me, she fobbed it off, didn't answer the question and lied to me. When I found out the truth of what had been said, I blocked her instantly on all platforms. I am trusting and generous to my friends but I have been burned a few times in the past and I won't tolerate that kind of behaviour from friends. There was nothing she could have said to make what she did ok, and there is no doubt that she would know exactly what she had done wrong. So there was no need to have it out with her.

Endless petty dramas that drained the life out of me. I'm talking wanting to call me multiple times a day to talk for hours in order to dissect the latest text she'd got from a man she'd only known a few weeks... When I had literally just given birth a few weeks ago. Everything was always about her, she knew everything and knew it best, especially when it came to criticising my parenting (she had no kids of her own of course). Endlessly taking the piss asking for money and not paying it back. Being rude about my dp who had never been anything but nice to her. Just basically being a horrible user. We'd been friends for years with no problems but as soon as I got in a serious relationship and had a baby she went crazy (I assume from jealously) and started being just so nasty, possessive, demanding etc. I decided that I after her horrible behaviour I didn't owe her the curtesy of an explanation and just stopped answering her calls.

I’m trying to decide what to do about a friendship. Someone I’ve known nearly 15 years. Recently found out she’s a total bitch about me behind my back.

If I confront her I’ll have to tell her who has told me this, and I don’t want to drop him in it.

I also really like her OH and don’t want to lose his friendship.

So for now I’m avoiding her which is easier because of Covid but feels like ghosting.

Suggestions welcome.

I ghosted my best friend of fifteen years. There had been a time in college when she had ghosted me & it had absolutely destroyed my confidence, way beyond any romantic relationship breakdown ever has. We had become friends again after a year or so but it had left a very sour taste for me. We carried on being friends throughout our twenties but I felt more & more that she didn’t actually genuinely like me, just liked having me around. She would instigate meeting up but never seemed pleased to see me. She was pretty rude about some of my life choices. We met up once just after I’d gone back to uni and moved in with my boyfriend in a different part of the country: she didn’t ask me one single question about any of it the whole night. The final straw came when I couldn’t make a meet up (can’t remember why not now) with her & some other people, she rang me up and berated me. The friendship was just so unfulfilling for me & I couldn’t justify spending my time being friends with someone that consistently made me feel bad about myself.

I’m not proud about ghosting her, I know it’s a shit thing to do to someone having had it done to me, but I just didn’t have the emotional resilience to enter into a discussion / argument with her about it. She was a very strong personality and I am not, either it would have been a terrible fight or she would have talked me out of it & I would be stuck being miserable.

The sad thing is I do still miss her, ten years on. We did have lots of good times & she was my best friend in our teenage years. I wish we could get together & laugh about those days and everything we got up to.

I did but that's because the friendship seemed hugely one sided. What nailed it for me was him knowing I was going through a tough time a few years ago with DH having cancer, my granny dying from advanced dementia and my grandfather abroad being very ill, all with a toddler to deal with. Yet when we met up he didn't ask about me once, going on and on about his life and everything that was going on there, which was mainly trivial things. He signed my passport being a CEO but put down he was church warden instead, which meant I had to get a new form and get someone else to sign it. Despite driving when I don't insisted I come to his, which ended up over an hour's travel on public transport with a young child. I couldn't reasonably deal with it all and felt as a friend he should be making an effort to at least meet me half way. Yet it was all about him. I blocked him on everything as I knew trying to explain my side would just mean him vanishing and really I had enough to deal with at that time. Looking back he was a very self absorbed, selfish individual who loved being the centre of attention. I don't regret what I did, but I do regret having to make the decision.

I've done it a few times.

1. I'd been her lodger for a year. We were friendly, rather than friends, she wanted to keep the friendship going after I moved out, but I wasn't interested. We met up once after and I didn't contact her again and didn't answer her call when she phoned.

2. Woman who lived next door. Assumed we'd be friends because we were a similar age. BUT she wanted a best buddy and I was only really up for the occasional coffee. After one memorable weekend when she tried to call 5 times, emailed twice AND pushed a note under the door I ghosted and NEVER did anything with her again. She was offended but really, too much.

3. A good friend was really rude about my GS when I took him round to meet her. I HAD made an effort to get in touch a few times after that, but she was never available and never instigated contact. So I stopped bothering to try. Six months after that, her ex husband died and I didn't get in touch with condolences (I DO feel bad about that).

Do these count as ghosting?

No, not really. Some friendships have faded out I guess, but no full on ghosting.

A friend ghosted me once. She was a relatively new friend, well, a few years just seeing each other infrequently. One evening we were supposed to be meeting up and I was unwell. I cancelled with apologies and asked if we could do it the following week instead. she never responded to me again and unfriended me on Facebook. I hadn't cancelled meeting up before or anything, so was a bit baffled. Not overly upset as we weren't that close. Kind of think I don't want friends who get offended, thinking everything is about them.

I was ghosted by someone years ago and realised why - and that it was a misunderstanding. But she was very strange so I was glad to let it go and didn't care that she thought I'd done something wrong! I've run into her a couple of times and it's excruciating. I say hello etc in a normal way and she goes through a big charade of having nearly forgotten my name and so on, then being massively competitive about anything she can, there and then, such as how many children we each have. It's bizarre, and I'm glad to have been ghosted. I generally don't mind friendships ending, but petering out gently to Christmas cards only is different from a sudden, incomprehensible ending. I think that's what most ghosters are aiming for? My ex-friend did something worse - stop and start. So some ghosting followed by gushing followed by ghosting again. I'd rather she had just gone and stayed gone. It was all about assuaging her own guilt. I still have to see her as we are connected and she is obviously still uncomfortable, but thankfully I'm past it, finally. She is not as important as she thinks she is!

Recently I ghosted a friend because his social media was constant toxic negativity - he seemed to think he was on some sort of moral high ground so took every opportunity to tear people apart, especially non-vegans. The final straw came when he started defending celebrity wife-beaters! Abusers are fine but people who eat cheese are not

I ghosted another friend because she told me she tried it on with my husband (back when we were dating) but it was fine because we weren't engaged yet Blocked her straight away.

An occasion I've been ghosted, and it hurt. In Victoria Station an Australian asked me for directions, in her first week in London. We were getting the same train so chatted and exchanged numbers. For a year we were good friends. I introduced her to useful people for her job. She dated one of my chums, I took her to some great parties.
I knew the end of her year in England was approaching but I thought she'd say goodbye! After all I'd done for her I thought I deserved a "Bye and Thanks."

@SlartBartFast reading yours reminded me of what my supposed best friend did to me. It was In my teenage years, we were extremely close, always hung out, she always told me how I was her best friend and like a sister. She was the girl at school that no one liked, through me she was able to make friends and people accepted her. Little did I know, the whole time playing bestie with me, she was slandering me to others behind my back, telling complete and utter lies, shared personal matters of course with her vicious twist to it.
She was seeing a boy at the time, he witnessed how sweet she is to my face and a real bitch behind my back. After few months, he rang me and told me everything, I knew he can't be lying as how would he know half the stuff he was telling me and also he has nothing to gain by lying. I then rang her, she admitted it all, I told her I want nothing to do with her anymore, she played the crying card, hung up, she tried calling many times asking for my forgiveness, apparently she did all that because she was jealous of me. There was no way I was going to remain friends or forgive such a cruel human being, I was nothing but a best friend to
Her.

@SlartBartFast
You can confront her without telling her who told you, just refuse to name. If you want to keep the friendship with her dh, then perhaps you'll have to not say anything to her but keep your distance, don't confide in her or tell her any small issues you may have.

"We were friendly, rather than friends, she wanted to keep the friendship going after I moved out, but I wasn't interested. "

I've had this kind of thing happen to me. I quite often can't tell the difference between friendly acquaintances and friends. I can never tell who will keep in contact if I leave a place or a job. Is there some kind of course to teach us this kind of thing?

I feel sorry for your former friendly landlady tbh.

Tried it on with my husband, gaslighted me, lied to my face, tried to turn DH against me, used confidential information against me and to her advantage, tried to turn mutual friends against me. I could go on. She still claims (to mutual friends) that she has absolutely no idea why DH and I ghosted her.

She was ghosted by others before me, again claiming no idea why. I'm now wary of people who claim they don't know, though I appreciate some may genuinely not and some may the innocent party.

One was too intense and used me as a therapist.
One was so needy and clingy.
One was so self absorbed.
One just never made any effort, it was all one sided i initiated, i texted, i arranged meet ups. I was done initiating.

I ghosted someone who just would not stop using me. As self preservation really. She pretended to many people that she didn’t know why. She actually got one of her friends to ask me, the friend basically came up to me and said: have you stopped speaking to X because she won’t stop taking advantage? So I just said yes. The ridiculous thing was that her friend knew the answer before even asking me. So I wasn’t at all in the wrong and don’t regret it.

I just want to say that - having been ghosted completely out of the blue when I was having a very hard time (but not particularly regaling her with this so, at worst, I was just less fun and positive/carefree to be around), it would be far kinder to let somebody know how you feel and why. And that you think the friendship has run it’s course.

There are some really solid reasons here to no longer want somebody to be in your life but I cannot tell you how horrible it has been to wonder - for years - why one of my best friends suddenly disappeared without so much as a crossed word.

I am a ghoster.

One at uni who told me such horrific details of her sexual abuse and resisted encouragement to share with professionals involved in her care. I felt guilty, terribly guilty, but after a month of trying to support, not sleeping due to the horrific nightmares and trying to do finals, I had to walk away. Still ashamed tbh.

A couple of people I had thought of as good friends, who got a little too comfortable putting me down or humiliating me. Don't regret these at all. I don't need to explain to adults why insulting people means that they won't want to be your friend.

Intermittent ones, where I fundamentally and vocally object to a self destructive life decision that they have made and I lack the self control to sit and watch the inevitable devastation without actively stepping in. I will usually go back once they hit the ground again. As I haven't had to witness the middle bit, I can be supportive in the aftermath.

Also friends who I cannot fundamentally connect with on things like vaccines, conspiracy theories etc. I have a friend on this fence and I have told her that if she commits to this idea I will walk away. I don't think that she believes me. I don't enjoy unecessary confrontation and life is too short.

I have also been ghosted in some horrible ways.

Once a friend just didn't turn up for a holiday together in Palma. I still went.

One because I got terribly drunk the day after my ex raped me. That was all I could keep saying and yes, I did drink toooo much. She wouldn't leave me alone when I tried to move away from her 3 times, so I shouted at her to fuck off. She didn't speak to me for a year. By that time I had had by rape baby. We couldn't ever fix that for me.

I ghosted someone because the relationship became very claustrophobic. She was a friend who moved in as a lodger with my then boyfriend and I and she was always trying to monopolise me. When I got engaged it ramped up and one night when we were all out in a club with friends (we were mid-20s) she was drunk, and came over to me, kissed me on the lips and told me she loved me. I’m not even sure if it was true but it became quite awkward after that. There was always some drama going on with her, and she’d go out drinking by herself and bring strangers back to our house to shag. One night she brought home the man from the kebab shop. She’d picked him up when she popped in for a kebab on the way back from the pub. She was addicted to Night Nurse and got through a few bottles a week. In retrospect, she had a pattern of risk taking behaviour and would probably have benefitted from counselling or some sort of therapy. She just became too much to cope with. She moved abroad to teach English and although we’re FB friends I think I would still find her a bit overwhelming.

Is ghosting just a modern term for a friendship fizzling out?