If you’ve ghosted a friend why did you do it?

[friedshrimp]

Just that really. Recently ghosted by a friend with no explanation - there were no issues, everything was fine and we chatted almost everyday. Why does it happen?

I ghosted someone. We had vague plans to meet up when I was visiting my former home town, but I had a tire blow out and in the fuss to get it fixed I completely forgot. I was very embarrassed when I did remember (100+ miles away) and I intended to send a grovelling email when I got home. I was tired and forgot. I then went into ostrich mode and hid from the issue (I had depression at the time, diagnosed officially a few weeks later, but that is no excuse).

Last year I finally plucked up courage to apologise. She was very understanding, but said how upset she had been. We will never get our old friendship back, but I am glad I reached out. I’d felt guilty about it four eight years, and at least now she knows how much I regret it.

I do now regret what happened but it feels a bit too late to fix things

Never too late OP. Give her a ring and explain and apologise.

Not OP sorry I meant PP

Her 8yo DD starting picking on my 4yo DS whenever we went round or she came here and my friend did fuck all about it. For example (and my DS was nothing but lovely to her)- Screaming in his face, going mad when he picked up any toy (and my friend saying "oh no that's Lucy's toy you can't play with it), calling him names, calling him naughty, saying he's a smelly boy etc. I pulled her DD up on it every time but she is very spoilt, I'm not sure she's ever been reprimanded for her behaviour and she looked perplexed when I told her off, like she didn't know what was happening. She's my friend's "little angel", can do no wrong and she raves to everyone about what a sweet girl she is she's completely deluded. The final straw was when we last saw them, my friend have her 8yo sweets and instructed her to give one to each child. She gave one to her sibling, one to my DD, then when DS went to collect his she began to eat it in front of him. Said he couldn't have one. I was . Of course DS gets upset and all my friend could say was "oh dear" and "oh that's a bit mean Lucy". It's not a bit mean it's fucking cruel and if my DD had done it to her 4yo I would have seriously bollocked her. She then said "well I didn't know he was gonna cry about it". I told her it doesn't matter if he cries that was a cruel thing to do and if it had happened to her she'd have cried as well. Anyway poor DS didn't get a sweet, Lucy wasn't made to hand over the one that was meant for her (luckily I found one in my handbag) and I haven't spoken to my friend since. It would be a waste of breath to try and raise the issue of her horrible DD, she would just go on the defence and be genuinely shocked to find I don't adore her precious one.

Same as many others on here - I stopped contacting her to see how long it would take her to contact me - 8-9 years on still waiting. Weirdly I bumped into her a few years ago and it was like we'd never been apart - she obviously didn't get it - but again it was 'give me a ring' - no, YOU give ME a ring - she never did. OP you say 'there were no issues' there obviously were - you just weren't aware of them!

Sometimes you just have enough. Can see why people do it. Have friend but all 1 way contact (me). So I just let it fizzle out.

A childhood friend (we were each others' bridesmaids) ghosted me. The awful thing was her frail Dad recently accosted me in the GPs and demanded to know why I hadn't contacted her. I didn't have the heart to tell him that after I had DS (after 3 miscarriages) she never visited (her parents live close by) never sent a card, or new baby anything. Never phoned or ever got in touch, until her husband had an accident 5 years later. I called her to tell her how sorry I was to hear the news and she said to call, but too many years had passed then. She's never seen my DS and he's nearly 13. It really upset me for years but all I can think is she was just sick of our friendship.

I did it because she was always putting me down. “Why do you always wear your hair like that?” She weirdly remembered events by what I wore. “Remember last year when we visited Mary and you wore your grey jeans and that purple top again.” If I ever complained about my boyfriend she never sympathised or offered advice, she just said how glad she was that her boyfriend didn’t do anything like what I was complaining about (because he was perfect in every way!). She was overbearing and would have a huge sulk if I saw other friends without her. It got to the point where I couldn’t talk to her honestly because any problems I had it always seemed that she used them to boost herself up and confirm that she was a superior person to me. I tried to tell her but she just cried and played the victim and turned it around so in her mind I was being a bitch by telling her these things. If we were on a night out she’d get drunk and cry about “the time I was so horrible to her” (when I’d just been honest about how she made me feel) and I’d somehow end up apologising, so I cut her loose.

I ghosted someone and in kind of ashamed of why I did it. She was going through bipolar disorder and recovering from a horrific childhood but I just found it hard being around her when she talked about her childhood. My parents insisted I spent time with her (I was an adult at the time but l was livin with them still and my dad especially is someone you don't say no to. He is scary if you don't say no) when she was in one of her low phases. This lady was really fun to be around when she was well and I really liked her but when was low she kept going on about her awful childhood, and I felt like I couldn't be around her as it meant we couldn't do normal stuff together it was all about some stuff from years ago.

so I went some years without contacting her then last Christmas I sent her a card and months later, having got out of hospital for another manic episode she called me and we had a nice conversation, she didn't mention her childhood once a d a!though still on medication seems in a better place now.

So my story had a happy ending really.

Yes when I couldn't enjoy her company anymore - it had been a long decline and in the end I couldn't face anymore meet ups where I went home crying and depressed. Since I had kids she stopped seeing me as a person and just a caricature of what she thought a mother was, it was pretty pathetic. I didn't give a shit if she didn't want to have kids, but she couldn't get over that I didn't judge her. I did actually text her recently to say hello as I felt a bit sad that after being so close things went the way they did but no reply. Maybe she's ghosted me back!

I haven’t ever really seen it as ghosting, just people moving in and out of each other’s lives due to circumstances be it location, having small kids, tiredness.
If I see less of someone I just think it’s life.
In many ways I think actively keeping friendships going is a luxury of the young or rich and am often quite impressed when I see adults who make plenty of time for their friends especially if they work and have kids.

I did after realising that the only time said friend contacted me was when she wanted something. My job and skill set was often useful to her hobby and she would only contact me to ask for "a favour" that I would normally charge for as my job. I don't ever mind favours for friends but when that's literally your only contact it gets a bit irritating to say the least.

@username1724

Because her child was literally terrorising mine every time we met and my dd was particularly traumatised one day. After being locked in a cupboard. Friend thought it was funny and was so impressed with her 'spirited' child who could do no wrong. I also realised her life revolved around her child in such a way that every single sentence was about her kid. I couldn't talk to her without having to praise her child in some way shape or form so decided to just forget it. Haven't looked back.

I actually dont blame you one iota for this. If have done the same . I was locked in a cupboard by some bullies (admittedly I was older but always been a bit claustroophobic) and it was really.frightening and humiliating! The more I panicked and cried the more they laughed. I think your child is fortunate to have a mum like you who protects her and if I were in your shoes if have done the same and felt no regret whataoever

Two friends I sort of ghosted.

One moved away and we therefore didn't see each other for a while. (Years) Then she tried to make contact and I didn't respond. This was because a) we didn't have much in common but mostly b) because she would always get drunk at social occasions and tell me what she really thought of me. Which was quite hurtful. I felt a bit sad because she could be very kind when sober.

Another one I'd been friends with for years and we were always equally there for each other. Then we met up for a weekend (I was her guest) after not seeing her for a while. She spent a lot of time telling me that she had decided to get rid of friends who didn't fit in with her new way of behaving which was to say what she really felt. She had a go at me about completely unreasonable things (like I'd woken her in the night because I'd had to have a wee) and various other rigid rules. Lots other very strange behaviours that were so uncharacteristic of her that I wondered if she had had a breakdown. I wrote a thank you note for the weekend but never contacted her again. But that was largely because it felt like she was sort of giving me "one last chance" for the weekend and would have got rid of me anyway. She was quite brutal and I felt it was important to retain my dignity.

@Ilovesugar

That pretty shitty of you - perhaps she couldn’t afford it?

Just thought I'd add (I still feel upset about it, even though it was nearly 10 years ago) with my second friend it was more like you think you're going to be sacked from a job so you decide to resign first.

Twice. First, uni friend who I one day realised had no morals. She's had more one night stands than I've had hot dinners yet she wanted to judge my life and turn her nose up at my job, my house, kids etc.
Second time it was a mum friend who was a total bitch to my daughter. I removed her from my life and I refer nothing. She is a horrible individual.

I think it can sometimes be ok to put your own mental health before a friend's mental health.

Because she was toxic. Best thing I ever did.

I might be misunderstanding the term but most of these don’t sound like ghosting to me.

They are letting a friendship naturally dwindle, or stopping making contact. Surely all of us have experienced that at some point? Or even having a falling out.

I thought ghosting meant you blanked someone. Block them on social media, not respond to calls or messages. Have I misunderstood?

Friend of 10 years plus, brought together by similar tricky circumstances. She was always quite needy and I'm a bit of a rescuer so it worked well for a good few years. Eventually she started binge drinking and got into hard drugs which she tried to explain was because of her circumstances and mental health. I took a huge step back and beat myself up for it.

About 6 months later I got a huge pages-long email about all that was wrong in her life, stuff that was going on re residence of her kids due to the drugs etc. I emailed back politely acknowledging her email, wishing her well, but as my dp had just begun cancer treatment I couldn't really spare any time to rebuild things.

I got back the reply 'so things are a bit shit for you too then?' and haven't spoken to her since.

@Baycob no she could 100% afford it. She was pissed I didn’t make her a bridesmaid.

She lives locally and could come to my wedding I paid for?

Hen do yes, hence still giving her two more chances after that. I was fed up of the relationship being one way and that she was never happy for me

Since I had kids she stopped seeing me as a person and just a caricature of what she thought a mother was, this is so true of my relationship. It was like she could no longer see me at all and just pushed back against the person she imagined I was. it was very upsetting and messed with my head for several years. Ultimately I think I’d been with her through her marriage and break up and she actually hadn’t been listening to who I was the whole time I just was so busy being her support I didn’t notice. I miss her but regret not ending it sooner as it sucked up a lot of my happiness.

My ExH had an affair and on discovery immediately packed his bags and left, cutting contact with everyone and leaving me with a baby under 18mo. A year later this ‘friend’ arranged a dinner party with Exh and OW because she missed him. She’d seen me in the morning if the same day and not said a word. I found out weeks later and told her the secrecy wasn’t super great for my MH a year on from an affair and I wasn’t ready to have the pair of them in my wider social circle (we were negotiating a v adversarial divorce and i’d been sharing lots of potentially sensitive info) so I’d probably need to step back for a bit and got an absolute tirade of a message back dragging up everything from gifts she’d given me over the past 10 years to perceived slights on my part.

I couldn’t really handle responding so didn’t and haven’t heard anything since. It’s been a little over a year now and my life is in such a better place I can see now she viewed my divorce as some sort of personal inconvenience to her social plans while loving the drama...

That's what I thought as well, KiposWonderbeasts