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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD moved in with boyfriend

79 replies

Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:00

I have put this in AIBU even though I know I am being unreasonable but I do need advice on how to feel better about this. DD is 19 and still at college, hasn’t been seeing her boyfriend very long but has decided she wants to live with him at his relatives. I hate it! She has barely come to visit since and when she does it’s always with her boyfriend. I feel like I have lost her. We always had a good relationship but she has dropped any friends she had and her whole life is revolving round this boy and acting like an old person! Going to tesco and making tea! I want her to have fun, you don’t get your youth back! She also seems to be going to his family for help and advice instead of us it just really hurts! I know I need to let her grow up and live her own life but....

OP posts:
Loveable1 · 20/11/2020 23:04

Is this her 1st proper relationship?

MushMonster · 20/11/2020 23:04

Have you asked her to spend some time with you alone?
This that she is doing is making her vulnerable. You are right, she cannot rely all her life on him, and on his family.
Hopefully she will agree to see you on her own and you can get her to think about it.

FortunesFave · 20/11/2020 23:05

I did this at 19 and by 21 it was over and I was back home.

purpleme12 · 20/11/2020 23:06

Oh I'm not going to give advice as I think other people with have better stuff to say
But I'm sorry this has happened I can imagine I'd feel the same. I hope things get better x

Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:08

Yes her first proper relationship

OP posts:
Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:09

Thank you FortunesFave - that seems a long time to wait but gives me hope!

OP posts:
SerenityFlowers · 20/11/2020 23:10

Oh this is hard on you. But it will go one way or the other. Either the novelty will wear off and she'll be back at some point. Or (unlikely) it will work out and you can go from there. Just keep the lines of communication open, tell her you love her, and play the waiting game.

Toppingpoint · 20/11/2020 23:12

This was me at 17, thankfully it only lasted 9 months.

goatsgalore · 20/11/2020 23:12

You say she is acting like an old person and going to Tesco and making tea, How would you feel is she was out every night and partying?

What's your perception of a you g person?

LizziesTwin · 20/11/2020 23:13

When I was her age I had a lovely boyfriend, not my first, and I spent masses of time with him & his family. We split up, partly because I felt his parents had always wanted a daughter and I didn’t need a second mother. Don’t say or do anything and just act nice, she’ll be back.

Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:13

Lockdown aside I would much prefer she was out partying and enjoying herself!

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 20/11/2020 23:15

As an adult I understand your hurt & concern.

However, you sound just like my mum did and my instant reaction was to tell you to STOP, you're driving her away.

I'm 51 & my mum still acts like I'm an extension of her rather than my own person.

It's suffocating.

Just let her know 'once' that her room is there anytime she wants it & that you live her...then let her live her life! She'll likely 'play house' for a bit, then get bored & start going out more

If you want a good relationship with her as an adult, let her live her life.

justasking111 · 20/11/2020 23:16

My DIL did this with her first boyfriend he followed her to uni. she never partied, worked hard ran a home. When they came home he cheated on her. She regrets three years of her life which should have been fun spent on the idiot.

Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:17

Thank you all for not making me feel like a horrible person for feeling like this! She has always been headstrong so there is no point trying to talk her out of it. And it’s not that the boy is dreadful or anything I just think she is far too young to settle down. I have friends who settled down at that age so I know it can work for some people - I just wanted so much more for her!

OP posts:
alexdgr8 · 20/11/2020 23:19

@goatsgalore

You say she is acting like an old person and going to Tesco and making tea, How would you feel is she was out every night and partying?

What's your perception of a you g person?

yes, i was wondering about this. would you rather she was promiscuous ?
goatsgalore · 20/11/2020 23:19

This isn't that you don't like what your daughter has done it's that You don't like the lad

Lollypop701 · 20/11/2020 23:24

First love is extreme, overwhelming and fabulous! Yes I agree with party comment. But.... that would be our choice. Your daughter is making her own, and she will know it’s not yours. So she is probably spending time with people who agree with her decision . If you like home, make sure she knows. Talk but Please don’t lie to her... she will know. Tell her you recognise she in love, you miss her, whatever just Keep lines of communication open . She might stay with him... so build bridges.

Nanny0gg · 20/11/2020 23:24

@alexdgr8

Why is the only other option to staying in and cooking tea to be promiscuous?

I know we have covid, but I would hope for a wider circle for my 19 year-old. She's too young to rely on one person

Lollypop701 · 20/11/2020 23:24

Him not home

Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:30

Witchesbrotches - I’m trying! Hence me writing in here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:33

Thank you NannyOgg - that’s it, It’s not that she has a boyfriend, we let him stay here with her, make him feel welcome etc it’s this full on, changing her plans and dropping everybody else that worries me. And I admit to feeling hurt she has dropped me!

OP posts:
SentientAndCognisant · 20/11/2020 23:51

Oh come on I’d not be happy my dd playing at lil miss housewife dinner on table
Jesus at 19yo shopping & making his tea. Fuck that for patriarchal rubbish
No wonder op is vexed

Bouledeneige · 20/11/2020 23:51

She'll be back when it all goes wrong.

jessstan1 · 20/11/2020 23:53

Buy her a teapot and a variety of good quality tea and give her your blessing.

There's nothing you can do about her living with boyfriend and it's highly likely that the novelty of living with his relatives will wear off. I agree 19 is too young to settle down, especially by today's standards, but if you behave in a disapproving manner, you'll only make her more determined.

Just let it run its course, you're still her mum.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 20/11/2020 23:57

@Fandangoes

Thank you NannyOgg - that’s it, It’s not that she has a boyfriend, we let him stay here with her, make him feel welcome etc it’s this full on, changing her plans and dropping everybody else that worries me. And I admit to feeling hurt she has dropped me!
Can you not say to her directly ooh I miss seeing you one on one, shall we have a mum and daughter day together soon? Post covid obviously!