Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD moved in with boyfriend

79 replies

Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:00

I have put this in AIBU even though I know I am being unreasonable but I do need advice on how to feel better about this. DD is 19 and still at college, hasn’t been seeing her boyfriend very long but has decided she wants to live with him at his relatives. I hate it! She has barely come to visit since and when she does it’s always with her boyfriend. I feel like I have lost her. We always had a good relationship but she has dropped any friends she had and her whole life is revolving round this boy and acting like an old person! Going to tesco and making tea! I want her to have fun, you don’t get your youth back! She also seems to be going to his family for help and advice instead of us it just really hurts! I know I need to let her grow up and live her own life but....

OP posts:
Original poster
Fandangoes · 20/11/2020 23:58

Thank you your understanding makes me feel so much better! I’ll try and hold my tongue and do as you advise. I also don’t want to feel like I’m hoping her relationship goes belly up! The very last thing I want is for her to get hurt and as it stands if they split up she will literally have nobody because her whole life revolves around him and his family! Well she’ll have me obviously but that’s not enough for a 19 yr old girl!

OP posts:
Bettercallsaul1 · 20/11/2020 23:59

Buy her a teapot and a variety of good quality tea Grin

NoProblem123 · 21/11/2020 00:00

Act nice, stay busy, she’ll be back soon Flowers

multivac · 21/11/2020 00:03

@NoProblem123

Act nice, stay busy, she’ll be back soon Flowers
Or not. I was 17 - and I am still blissfully happyb with him, 30 years later Smile
Duemarch2021 · 21/11/2020 00:15

Awww i can see why you'd be hurt...

Honestly....I think if you try pull her back, she will pull away harder.. if you let her go she may make her own mistakes and come back to you... let her know you are there for her but dont try and 'win her back' or argue about the situation as you will push her away

CovidTrialGuineaPig · 21/11/2020 00:16

I did similar at that age (not the living with but desperately in first love). My mum's disapproval meant I stayed with him a bit longer than perhaps otherwise would because I wanted to show her.

He was lovely but we were too young. However, I think if we had stayed together we would have been happy.

So my conclusion is, don't say anything especially if she's headstrong as she will likely do the opposite!

1WildTeaParty · 21/11/2020 00:20

Your feelings make perfect sense!

She isn't being 'old' though - she sounds very 19 (playing house and being totally swept up by a crush...).

Just think about all the stages you have seen her through and wait patiently.

Watching my wise mother at work over the years has made me realise how sensible it is to be REALLY positive about the boyfriend.

Make him feel as loved and important to you as she is. The result: You'll see more of her and she will be more likely to see you as insightful and therefore good on advice.

(It is also true that your own mother's approval does take some of the exciting rebellious shine from a boyfriend.)

KarmaNoMore · 21/11/2020 00:20

Is she contributing to the expenses in her BF’s home? If not, don’t worry, they might send her back.

Singinginshower · 21/11/2020 00:23

Current times are weird. Everything in the news is about limiting social contacts. And the young people I know are taking it seriously.
I think the year of 2020 and teenage romance with be very different from other years.
I'm very sad myself that a trip to Tesco is a highlight of my week.

Mamanyt · 21/11/2020 00:24

A couple of things you said about her relationship bothered me a good bit. The first that she never sees you without him, and the second, that she has dropped all of her old friends. Those can be "red flags," as abusers always start by isolating their victims, even before "real" abuse starts. Now, at the same time, couples who are "madly in love," especially for the first time, often isolate themselves, perfectly happily. All you can do is remain watchful, and manage to act totally unjudgemental towards your daughter. Even if, especially if, she shows up having "fallen down the stairs." She will need you, and she must feel as if you will not judge. This may never happen. It may be the "no one exists but us" of early love, that "utter infatution" stage. But should it, keep nonjudgmental lines of communication open.

Duemarch2021 · 21/11/2020 00:26

That's another thing too...maybe its cos of covid?... if she lives with him she can see him... if not.. then technically she shouldnt be less than 2 meters apart...

Original poster
Fandangoes · 21/11/2020 00:26

He doesn’t live with his parents, he lives with another family member. They buy their own food but don’t pay any bills which I don’t like either!

OP posts:
Original poster
Fandangoes · 21/11/2020 00:29

He has friends and to be honest I think she moved in to keep an eye on him because she didn’t like it when he went out with his friends! I don’t think he is controlling her.

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 21/11/2020 00:34

@Bettercallsaul1

Buy her a teapot and a variety of good quality tea Grin
I'm glad that made you smile. It makes me smile on reading it back but I was prompted by the op saying her daughter now makes tea; presumably when she was living with mum, it was mum who put the kettle on :-).

Op, things will work out one way or the other and you won't lose your girl if you still cool. I can understand how you feel.
Flowers & of course Brew

Original poster
Fandangoes · 21/11/2020 00:36

Thank you Jessstan! I actually meant yea as in dinner rather than a cuppa! And I wish she had done that at home 😂

OP posts:
HumanFemale1 · 21/11/2020 00:36

It's temporary op, she will break up with this boy sooner or later but you will be her mother forever.

I have moved in with my bf at 21 (first serious relationship) and started acting like a senior citizen, just watching tv every night instead of having fun, but I've gotten a grip in 5 months.

Now I look back at it and laugh, I thought I was so grown up for living with a bf but now I see I had no idea what I was doing!

NC4Now · 21/11/2020 00:47

Maybe her idea of fun is playing house? There’s not a lot else to do this year. Going to Tesco and making tea is about as good as it gets.

SentientAndCognisant · 21/11/2020 00:49

Tea = cooked meal
As in,lunch,dinner, tea(cooked meal in the evening) is that not universally understood

Original poster
Fandangoes · 21/11/2020 00:50

Which would be fine NC4Now but dropping your own friends and family, changing life plans for a boy at that age - not so much!

OP posts:
PurpleFrames · 21/11/2020 00:51

You'd hate me OP, I eloped at 18! It lasted a good while but wasn't healthy. I worry when you say she is ditching her friends etc. I think the most important thing is keeping channels open. Could you do a certain activity together so it's not just sitting at home together where she might feel a bit attacked or criticised? Perhaps that's why she brings him for back up?

To be fair a lot of us lived out of home well before 19 and there was a lot of novelty value at first to being able to choose your own food/ own bedtime/ own rules etc. But it soon wears off...

Original poster
Fandangoes · 21/11/2020 00:51

Haha thanks Sentient - only to Northerners I think, I forget tea sometimes just means tea!

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 21/11/2020 00:59

Take care of yourself, Fandangoes. You can enjoy yourself too you know.

BrainAyche · 21/11/2020 01:02

I moved two hours away at age 17 to live with my boyfriend.
Living with my parents made everything so much harder back then. To be honest I saw friends less too, due to the distance, but I stayed in touch with my closest friends.
The relationship lasted until I was 21 (we'd been together since I was 15). After which I moved in with another friend before meeting the father of my children. I could not imagine ever living with my parents again, I know they love and care for me and we have a good relationship now but being with them for so much time drove me mad.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I realised I was ready to come back to my home town as I wanted my kids to have a close relationship with their parents.

My advice would be to try not to smother her, let her know you're there for her but don't make her feel guilty for living her life. It might be short lived, or it might not.

I know my mum worried about me a lot, but I was young and was moving on from some shitty teenage years made worse by living with my parents. I feel bad now about the worry I caused but guilt and feeling like I had to spend time with them did not help.

joystir59 · 21/11/2020 01:09

I left home at 18 and never went back. Your DD is an adult getting on with her life OP.

Bettercallsaul1 · 21/11/2020 01:27

jessstan Yes, I took tea In the OP’s description to mean the drink too and thought you were joking about giving the DD her own specialist supply plus teapot! Xmas Grin

Fandangoes I really feel for you. Flowers Leaving aside the reason for your DD’s departure (and what you may think of her relationship) there is nothing as heart-wrenching as coming to terms with a child leaving home and realising that family life as you’ve known it so far, has come to an end. Even when your son or daughter is leaving for reasons you completely agree with eg going to university, the empty nest syndrome is a real thing and the acute sense of loss takes time to adjust to. But you do - and the physical separation often leads to a different, but equally fulfilling, relationship with your now adult child. The close mother-daughter tie gradually morphs into a different relationship of equality and respect which you may appreciate even more! In your case, your DD may well come home again and this may not be a final break at this stage at all. However, right now you don’t know and your feelings are reflecting that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread