DD moved in with boyfriend

[Fandangoes]

I have put this in AIBU even though I know I am being unreasonable but I do need advice on how to feel better about this. DD is 19 and still at college, hasn’t been seeing her boyfriend very long but has decided she wants to live with him at his relatives. I hate it! She has barely come to visit since and when she does it’s always with her boyfriend. I feel like I have lost her. We always had a good relationship but she has dropped any friends she had and her whole life is revolving round this boy and acting like an old person! Going to tesco and making tea! I want her to have fun, you don’t get your youth back! She also seems to be going to his family for help and advice instead of us it just really hurts! I know I need to let her grow up and live her own life but....

This was me at 15! Dd at 16.

It won't last - in my case unfortunately as I really believe he was the love of my life but both families were really anti us as a couple AND the other family

I'm now on the other end - or was. Dd and "the boyfriend" have since split but they're still friends.

It's REALLY hard as is empty nest generally. You have to wait it out.

I reckon this is the hardest part of parenting. Those of us at this stage look back on the newborn stage with fondness! Newborns are a LOT easier. Hell 7 year olds are!

It will usually "right itself" if handled well but those of us who are or who have been there deeply sympathise and understand.

She's 19. The relationship probably won't last. Even if it does, she an adult now. She is making her own way.

Why do people think she will come home? I was 18 when I moved out. I split with the boyfriend within the year but I moved into my own flat. I never thought to go back home.

At 19 she is an adult. Just let her know you're there for her

If your DD is swept up in this relationship, she won't appreciate criticism of it. If his family has embraced it more positively than you, it could be why she's going to them more at the moment.

I know you say you wanted more for her - but it's her life. If she chooses to stay at home with her bf and read books every night for the rest of her life, it's her choice. It's not fair for you to be negative just because you think she should be leading it differently. I understand that it comes from a good place, but her life isn't about what you want for her.

Even if you don't actually say anything, she can probably sense your disapproval. Try and be upbeat and positive. Don't seize any opportunity possible to pour cold water on it or change her mind. When you first get to play house with a partner, it's fun 😅 It's all a massive novelty. It'll either wear off, or it won't. Nothing you do will change that. As PP said, I'd say you miss spending time with her 1:1 and see if she's up for a girly activity, something fun. Mind you, I remember being in love at that age - I was superglued to his side. Not a hope in hell of me visiting my parents without him haha! Maybe just encourage more visits, even if it's them together.

Wow- OP. I would much prefer she was out partying and enjoying herself!

Really? Wouldn't you want her to be doing what makes her happy?
I have a 20 yo- lives in a flat with her best friend, also a student- her idea of a good night is watching Netflix and drinking hot chocolate. She doesn't much like alcohol, dances as a hobby and likes an early night.
"Partying" isn't all it is cracked up to be.
A lot of it is quite grim.

You're not going to like my reply. I was 18 and finished with him at 24.

I thought I knew it all. I thought going shopping was so grown up. I use to compare shopping receipts with the women I worked with (supermarket). We'd see who could get the most for less. These were much older women with families.

I loved going home to my own place, staying out late, doing what I wanted.

He turned out to be an abusive arsehole. Thankfully I seen the light.

I know my parents weren't happy, but they never said anything, turned out years later they sought advice from family members who advised them to let me learn the hard way and it would only push me more to him, but..... I really wish they had sat me down and explained that they weren't happy, I probably would have ignored it but we'll never know, in my more mature years I like to think I would have listened and took things slowly.

We even got as far as wedding venues...

Maybe arrange a lunch date each week with your dd. She's feeling the freedom, she's enjoying the freedom, she won't come to you as she has just left your home, to her you are still her mother and the one who instilled the rules. You WILL have a great relationship but for now she's experiencing freedom and her first relationship. It's up to you if you feel you want to say something or express your feelings.

I've made my older teens bedrooms like little apartments, as I never want them to leave 😂 no seriously my boys never want to leave but the girls are planning their escape, I think girls usually want to move at an earlier age. Maybe living with his relatives won't be as good as they imagined, always remind her she has a bed in your home.

As a mother of three Dds in their early/mid 20s, I agree with most of the pps when they say it won’t last.
Dd1 did this at 19. She didn’t actually move in with him, but spent most of her time at his house, then when they went to uni, they lived together for two years until they both spent a year abroad as part of their degrees. That was the turning point for DD who realised she’d wasted her first two ‘party’ years being a ‘proper student’ and he wasn’t what she wanted long term. The rest of us knew this from day 1 - he was right for that part of her life, but not long term. We just kept quiet, made him welcome, took him on holiday with us and accepted that she wanted to be with him. We did try to dissuade her from moving with him when they went to uni, but it was ultimately her decision. She says it was a mistake now, but it’s not a life changing mistake and we all make them.
The thing with her ex boyfriend is that he is generally a good person so it was easier to let her get in with it. We’re going through something similar with DD3 now and it’s much harder because none of the rest of the family can stand her boyfriend for lots of reasons. I still try to be nice to him and welcome him when he comes over (DD has moved out into her own place, so thankfully we don’t see him often anymore), but it’s hard.
If you like your DDs boyfriend be happy for her and welcome him. I don’t think it’s that unusual for young people to enjoy playing at domestic bliss, but it usually doesn’t last all that long, even if it feels like it!
I was engaged and a homeowner at 22, but found my party feet again the following year and didn’t meet my now DH until I was 26. My parents said nothing and it didn’t take long for me to realise it was wrong. If they’d shown their disapproval I would have been more likely to dig my heels in

OP I did this at 18 and by 19.5 I was back home.

I’m now late twenties with a baby (and another on the way) married to a lovely guy who adores my DM and she is over at our house every other day (less with Covid) and we are very close.

I also moved to London at 21 and ‘disappeared’ for another year or so there. I think if your child is ‘independent’ they will have drifting periods through their adolescence. It’s natural. I highly doubt your DD will still be enjoying the novelty of Tesco shopping and meal cooking in a years time.

Also keep in mind that right now it’s hard to be young and carefree. Cant go out, can’t travel, no festivals/events. Being ‘young’ isn’t really appealing atm so domesticity is pretty much all that’s left. Won’t be this was forever x

Your job is to pick up the pieces, or enjoy the grandchildren in a few years. Keep communication open as best you can.

I think you just have to let it run its course , they have to make their own mistakes in life. But it might not be a mistake, obviously shes happy right now let her be.
I know what you mean though, running the risk of sounding like an old person - youngsters these days stay home more ! At that age I was out 5 or 6 nights a week , but I didn't have Netflix/ wifi or a smartphone! They can zoom and facetime their mates now or whatever.
God I'm so old.

Thanks all for your wise words. If she had her own place I would at least be able to visit her. I don’t feel I can do that in somebody else’s house which makes it hard. I did say right at the beginning I know I am being unreasonable, I do know it’s her life but it’s still not easy watching your children make mistakes. And I’m not saying he is a mistake, even if he is her one true soul mate, everybody needs friends and other people in their life! But you have all reassured me I just need to keep doing what I’m doing - because I am already being nice and making him feel welcome etc I was just looking for a bit of support for how I’m feeling. The PP was so right, letting go is the hardest bit of parenting!

I love the extremes on here .... Tesco trip and tea .... promiscuous partying , there is a middle ground.

Hard as it is OP you do have to just let this run it’s course. I’ve got two 19 year olds and I would be worried and sad but they are adults and we’ve got to let them do their own thing.

So what if it doesn't last. I can see why with covid restrictions this is an attractive proposition. It's going to be six months or so before she can go out partying travelling etc anyway. It's not actually stopping her doing anything at the moment.

Some peoples idea of "fun" doesnt involve going out and partying.

If she's happy and he treats her well, that's the important thing.

There is nothing you can do. Saying anything won't stop her, you have to let it take it's course.

My sister did this when she was 19, and it continues today four years later. I never see her one on one anymore, she has no friends except him and spends every non-working moment by his side. She hasn't got bored of it so there's nothing anyone can say or do

You say she is acting like an old person and going to Tesco and making tea, How would you feel is she was out every night and partying?

@alexdgr8
yes, i was wondering about this.
would you rather she was promiscuous ?
What? There is something in-between behaving like an old person and being promiscuous. The OP has said that, covid aside, she would want her daughter to be out partying and enjoying herself.

I agree OP. It is too young and it isn't healthy to give up friends and family and make one person your world. It isn't a balanced life.
Hopefully, at 19, it will be a phase and, when restrictions are relaxed, she will want fun and different things in her life. I wouldn't try to deter her (as that might make her more adamant that is what she wants) but I'd probably ask if you could have one day a week when she comes around by herself for a catch up. Don't be clingy but let her know you miss her.

The more you pull her away from them, the more you're actually pushing her into their arms. I know it's hard but back off. She knows where you are and will come round when she's ready. At 19 she probably just wants to be accepted by her boyfriends family, she'll know your love is unconditional but theirs is not. I'm sorry you're going through this OP but I'm sure it'll get better (one way or another) soon.

You seem to be forgetting there is a pandemic and as a result she shouldn’t be visiting you or you her and I wouldn’t be wanting her to mix to much with friends or go out partying etc at the moment. Maybe they decided the only way they could see each other and be safe is to live together. I am sure they are not the only ones. Under the guidelines, she wouldn’t be able to see him at the moment if the didn’t live together abd it may be why she is not visiting you so much.

My ambition from leaving school at 15 was to be ‘independent’. I think a lot of girls are like that. They want their own place. I still did plenty of drinking. Again though, she may be staying home because of the pandemic. He friends may be doing the same. Let her enjoy playing house. Not everyone likes the same things. If she wants to party there will be plenty of time in her 20’s. So much is being said about young people being depressed. Be glad she seems happy. Just let her know you are there if she needs you, talk about having a mum and daughter day out when the pandemic is over, even lunches just the two of you when restrictions are lifted.

I know exactly what you mean. Them flying the nest is fine. Finding somebody else's nest more attractive is not!
Hang in there. It will improve.

Take her out for lunch! Say you want to do some shopping together when things open up- (Christmas shopping?) sit in Costa with her, get her a ridiculously sugary drink and just chat to her. Even if you dont talk about the boyfriend or the situation, it'll let her know that youre there and waiting, ready for her if she needs an outlet of support. My mum did this with me once I left home and it changed everything! I appreciated her so much more and was itching to get home and visit in the holidays. Little treats and gestures of kindness to remind her what unconditional love is.

This year has been pretty messed up. Going out and having an active social life has creased of everyone this year(unless they have been happy to disregard social distancing) so going to Tesco has been the highlight of a lot of people’s week regardless of age.

I have sons in their early 20’s and even before COVID they didn’t do they partying and pub weekend thing that I did at the same age. It was all met at the gym and trips to Nando’s or game nights in. From what I see from my children’s social group drinking and pub culture is what us oldies did.

Thanks Charleyhorses! It really does help knowing other people would feel like me and I’m not being a horrible mum! I’m only saying these things in here not to my daughter! Although when she first told me I did say gently that I thought it was a bit soon and might put pressure on their relationship but that I knew it was her life and it was up to her. And I have tried to discuss the risks of her whole life revolving round him without it sounding like a lecture. It prob did still sound like a lecture!! But I don’t go on about it. As a parent surely we have to try and at least give them a little guidance and help them think about things

Scaettpixie - I am fully aware there is a pandemic but not everybody in the world is in lockdown! Also non-cohabiting couples are allowed to visit each other even in the UK

I feel for you OP. Feels like a lose lose position.
To try and be happy for her and leave the door open is the way forward.

I pretty much did this with every boyfriend I had! The first was from lower 6th until I went to uni. He was 4 years older and it was just more exciting. I used to go home from school, then go round to his when he finished work. He used to cook tea for us then I'd do hw and he'd play play station or we'd go the pub or his mates. Some nights I'd see my friends. Weekends we could end up anywhere. It was like being a proper adult, but without any responsibility.